I did not want to take up the other thread, and thought I wanted to comment on your post only.

I am so sorry of your double betrayl. How awful! I would not want contact with OW either.

However, I find your situation unique. Both 10 year old D's, who are best friends from birth, are bonded with each other already. I would not keep them from having contact with each other. Maybe once, or twice a year, they could visit with each other for a week. They could go by plane. This would not involve contact with OW at all. This is just a thought.

Also, you said OC has a daddy in FOWH. Does he know the truth? For how long? Did he know he was not the bio-father at birth? Did he just find out when you did?

I am so sorry for your situation. I agree, I would move. Are you and H in counseling?

ember

Dear Ember;

I still can't believe all of this has actually happened to me. I only found out about all of this 3 months ago. Yes, my H and I are both in counseling, separately and as a couple. This has helped me tremendously, but I still struggle everyday with horrible thoughts that will not leave my brain. I cry a lot of the time. There are reminders everywhere of this deceitful thing. I can't believe I was lied to for all of that time, and I never had a clue. It is so mind boggling!

FOWH has known that this child was not his from the beginning. The three of them (my H, FOW and her H) made some sort of an agreement to never tell anyone of this - is the story I get from my H. I still don't understand why I was the only one who was not told. These three people lied to me for 10 years! What bothers me the most is that because I was never told of their first A, I allowed that woman to remain in my life, and my H and her had a second A after the OC came along. The relationship FOW has with her own husband is so strange. He knew that OC was my H's, yet all four of us remained friends!? I am so angry at them all. I feel I have been made a fool of because I never had the faintest clue about it. I want to smack them all. I should have been told!

The relationship between our D's is close and I agree that they should continue to visit. I love this child too and I would miss her as well. She is an innocent victim . The least contact I have with FOW the better! She has gone completely wild, about 2 years ago she was caught having an A with her BIL, (her BIL's wife found out about their A and now they are divorced)and FOW is now involved with another married man. I feel she has learned nothing from her past, and that she is only out to hurt more people.

Because I see absolutely no remorse for any of her actions I am having a hard time forgiving FOW. My H is so sorry and ASHAMED at what he has done. I can see all of the pain these secrets have caused him and he is now willing to do anything to work on our marriage. He has started going to AA (I think that 10 years of guilt is one of the main reasons that the drinking got so out of control) he sees and alcohol counselor and goes to counseling with me. Because I see him really trying, it is easier to forgive him.

This is all still so much of a mess. And I wonder if I will ever be a normal person again? Almost my whole married life was a lie and I just hope I can move on and go forward from here. It is hard though.

Thanks for letting me talk. I really have no one to talk to. My family was devastated at the news of his A and OC. They feel I should leave him and now they don't even call me in case they get HIM on the phone. For someone who has done nothing wrong, I feel abandoned by them.

Well, enough wallowing in my own misery! I try to tell myself eachday that although this was a terrible, horrible, painful thing that happened to me, at least nobody died! I have my 3 healthy, beautiful kids, my H has never treated me better, (amazingly our love life has never been better! weird, eh?!) and I can hold my head up because I didn't do anything wrong.

<small>[ December 07, 2003, 04:47 PM: Message edited by: Hangin'InThere ]</small>

I found out in 1996. OC's were 10 and 14. OW left the state in 1992, and H never did confess. I found out by mistake. We were married for 23 years when I found out. Now it is 2003, and we have been married 31 years. We have never had contact since my visit to OW in 1996.

After all these years, I can say that I love and repect my H. I am now glad that I stayed.
my H is a very different person today. I say, new, and improved!

Your pain is still so fresh and raw. Focus on healing your M, and forget contact for now.

Wishing you well.

ember

A double betrayl is awful. I can't even imagine.

Have you ever asked the FOWH why they chose not to tell you?

At least you have your choices back. I am so glad that I found out.

Yes, you, and all the children, are innocent.

I don't even like to talk to FOWH. Over the years he has become a very angry man and he has tried to hit on me sexually! Now that this is all out in the open, I think he figures he can try again. It really is sick. So I keep my distance. There are so many things I don't know about, and I don't think I ever will know the answers because the three people involved have been lying for years and I don't think they even remember what the truth is anymore.

How did you find out after all of those years!? I am glad that your marriage is good now. If your family knows, how did they take it? My family wants me to leave my H. Do you have any children with your H?
Thanks...

HIT, you know what I am seeing here? your OW is a low quality tramp. I know you are stunned by the betrayal and all, but geesh, this woman is such trash and so loose that your husband is probably one of many who had an affair of opportunity. Meaning this tramp made it so easy he thought why not?

Of course the OC then comes along and then they all lie to you. How hidious. But can you imagine having to admit having an affair with the likes of her?????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I wish I could give you a hug. You deserve one.