Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 9
I
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
I
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 9
At the beginging of our relationship it was wonderful romantic and exciting but I got an unexpected pregnancy. The father was great at supporting me all through the process and I am so thankfull that he was strong enough to go through with it.
We decided that the best for the child since we were young, in school, and not married, would be to go to a family who was able to care for the child in ways that we would not be able to at that point in our lives. I love my baby with all of my heart and feel that it was the best for the child. A choice that has caused tention in our families as well.
Now these four years later he has not come to terms with himself and unintentially attaches me to those hurt feelings. He has built a wall around himself from the pain and will not let me in. I feel that I have come to terms with myself about the child and feel at peace with my descion and just wish that I could help him in some way. He refuses to talk about it with anyone but me but I feel that he needs to open up to someone else as well not just therepy but even a friend. I love him with all my heart and care for him deeply.
I am wondering if anyone else has gone through a simular sitution and any advice would be such a relief! Thank you so much!

Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 9
I
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
I
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 9
P.S. Just to let you all know we are neither married still and attending college. There is no other woman involved just us in the relationship.

Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,536
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,536
First, I have to say that I am so proud of you for doing sucha selfless thing like that. It was very brave of you. What a gift you ahve given to your baby, to provide them with a stable, intact, 2 parent home, something that you knew you could not provide @ that time. I am so impressed with you, I can't imagine how hard that was for you, both.

It sounds like your BF might be having second thoughts, although a little late. He really needs some outside point of view on this. Encourage him to talk to a counselor or to seek some support on an adoption web site or something, I'm sure there is one out there somewhere. It's not up to you to make it better for him, although you would like to try.

Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 21
A
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
A
Joined: Mar 2002
Posts: 21
{{{{{{{{In need of help}}}}}}}}}

Both you and your boyfriend did something so wonderful for that child and the adoptive parents. Please try to keep that in mind and keep reminding him. I have not been in your situation so I cannot imagine the tremendous pain you both must have felt. I don't even really have anything to offer you, except hugs. There is a special place in heaven for you two.

Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 9
I
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
I
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 9
Thank you so much for your support! People around us know of the subject but it is almost as if it is taboo to talk about. It is good to hear from the outside confirmation that we did the right thing. The child is in a wonderful home so I know that they are well taken care of. Thank you once again I can not even tell you how even a small positive comment can reassure you! Thank you!

Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 9
I
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
I
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 9
Thank you so much for your support! People around us know of the subject but it is almost as if it is taboo to talk about. It is good to hear from the outside confirmation that we did the right thing. The child is in a wonderful home so I know that they are well taken care of. Thank you once again I can not even tell you how even a small positive comment can reassure you! Thank you!

Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 654
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Oct 2002
Posts: 654
In need....I wish I had some miracle words to soothe the soul of your boyfriend. I applaud his sensitivity to the situation.

My 13 year old daughter is adopted and I cannot even begin to tell you how much gratitude I feel towards her birth parents. I am only privileged enough to raise her.

My goal when she's old enough is to offer to let her meet her parents - she does know she's adopted as we talk freely about it.

Have the two of you tried counseling together?

Prayers for you!

Angelia

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,884
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,884
In need,

Well, this coming from someone 17 years down the road, it is survivable! My H and I were 18(almost 19 me) and 17 when we had our first. We went through much before the final decission was made to put our little girl up for adoption, and much after as well. I can understand the "blame game" that's being played out here. I can understand the feelings of loss as well, even 4 yrs down the road! It does fade with time, the massive feeling of loss, but it's time that needs to pass on it's own.

I agree that he needs someone other than you or a therapist to talk to about what he's feeling. I say this because I was similar with how long it took me to not be affected in such a way about our decission. In fact, my H was just saying so about a month ago, when we were discussing when we would search for sites to add our information to for when she's 18.(she just turned 16 on the 2nd) His words were, "It took you a while to 'get over' all the bad feelings." For some it's harder than for others. Unfortunately, it's not something that you can force the issue on. He needs to get to that point on his own, where he can share his feelings with others, and not just you or a therapist.

Just for an example, most people we now meet, when they ask how many kids we have, we include her. Not that we are raising her or have any contact with her. Just that we had made a bad choice whose result made a family VERY happy, and we hope that some day she will come search for us. Our reasonings for no contact and not searching for her ourselves is that if she's completely happy with her family, we don't want to hurt that in any way. Which is also why we had the papers include that she needs to be 18 before she can come find us. You know how it can be when you're 16 or 17 and fighting with your parents! We didn't want to be the cause of any other problems.

I know that it seems like a long time, but just continue to be there for him, and don't take it personally when he places the blame at your feet. He could have decided NOT to sign the papers, and he needs to get past his anger on his own time.

I applaud your decission, and know that you did the right thing. Take our story as proof that it can be done, as we will be celebrating our 15 wedding anniversary in March! Yes, we've had other problems that have caused us to be at this site, but I honestly don't feel that any have to do with the adoption! I don't know if I can be of any other help, but I will keep an eye out for any posts from you!

Good luck and God Bless!!!!

Tigger4jdt

Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 9
I
Junior Member
OP Offline
Junior Member
I
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 9
Thank you both for your comments as well! It is always good to hear from both sides of adoption. I wish that they would educate you in school along with sex ed that if something happends that there is a alternative that might be painful at first but completly rewarding to you and others in the end.
I know that the family is completly happy and I feel blessed to have been able to help them. The child was born near Christmas so I think this season maybe affecting him we have an open adoption so we are allowed to contact through mail and recieve pictures. I think that this for me has been a huge heeling factor because when the days do come that I breakdown I can take out a picture and see how happy they are.We had a long talk last night which helped alot.
Tigger it is good to see that down the road the pain will fade and that you both stayed together (God bless you and your husband!!).I truely feel that he is the one. But before we can progress healing needs to be done. I can not tell you how much more at peace I feel after being hear at this sight and seeing that others have been there and are happy now.
Maybe I was not as healed as I thought and now I can take the principles and understanding that I have found and apply them to my own life. This is such a support! Thank you!


Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,254 guests, and 50 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5