I feel like my "healing time frame" is a little skewed since my H wasn't honest in his confession up front.

H and I have been married 11 yrs.

(about) 7 yrs. ago--H has A w/ co-worker

(about)5 1/2 yrs. ago---He "confesses" A when OW legally contacted him concerning name change of OC. H says it was a "one night stand" and that he did not know she was ever pregnant. OW says NC, wants "nothing" from MM.

2 yrs. ago---legally contacted again, being sued for CS(OW had started "paperwork" 2 yrs. prior but it took that long to "find" us)

1 1/2 yrs.ago---- right before CS hearing H "confesses" that it was "more" than a 1 night stand, knew she was pg. says A ended when OW told of pg., says he "knew" @ that split second that he "wanted" me and son NOT OW & OC, says he was afraid of "losing" me that's why "lied" about true nature of relationship w/ OW---- meet OW & OC (OC in our lives ever since, will be 6 yo next month)

one month later(my)baby #3/(WH)child #4 born. I am in a fog and it takes a few weeks more for the dust to settle and I feel devastated @ all that has transpired in past few weeks!

H & I were doing okay when we got the CS notice. I had just found out I was "unexpectedly" pregnant w/ baby #3 when we got the mail. I had been feeling a little "wacky" and concluded I had postpartum depression after baby #2 so things were kind of wierd but nothing major. Baby # 3 was not "planned" but not a big deal since we were/are married but only could enjoy that "surprise" for a week before CS notice. Then I was very scared about our financial future. 3 children would be tight but to suppport 4!!!!! Insane!

Then, to drop another bomb right before hearing. (another "forced" confession).

So to me, it feels like A was just 1 1/2 yrs. ago. I know I/we have come a long way in our marriage just in the past year. I know how I felt and what I thought @ the beginning of the news and how I am now.

...BUT....still I feel depressed about the situation sometimes and I can recognize "triggers" sometimes. My H, although he is much better towards me too, still seems like he has an attitude of, "get over it already" sometimes.

I've come to the conclusion that he just doesn't want to be reminded of the past or anything negative, then I feel like I am alone, doing all the healing by myself. I know from H POV A has been long gone & over for more than 6 yrs. but for me it feels fresh since the final "confession". It didn't help to now have OW in our lives @ the same time. She of course had to add her POV of their "relationship" and it is "typical" OW story, (not her fault, all MM, "said he was seperated") which bothers me because it is %100 opposite of H story (both at fault, both fully aware of situation and marriage), which he swears is completely true.

I am much more optimistic @ this point then I was @ the same time last year. We have more "control" over the situation now since we have custody/visitation issues settled w/ OW. There are just some things that STILL bother me. There are some details/questions that I was obsessed w/ in the beginning that I was smart enough not to ask, knowing it would just be worse for me, I have gotten past them.

But what about other things that come up or I find bother me? Should I just ignore them and "let them go" until it just fades w/ time or should I address them? I hate the fact that I even have a "thing" to "deal" with.

I know that this is not a "just found out" kind of issue but how long do the "lingering affects" haunt you? Maybe I SHOULD be over it by now and stop whining. One time, my H even asked me what the big deal was that he confessed that it was more than a 1 night stand, H POV was that it was still cheating whether it was once or if it was more so why would I be more bothered by it?

Is he right? Maybe he's right. I do love my H dearly and I know he loves me and he has been very patient. I really respect the effort he has put forth in being willing to do what it takes to earn my trust and love back again. I have to give him credit for that and say how I admire that. (I have told him that myself to encourage him)

I think he may be getting tired of "it" soon.

It seems that having OW in our life threw our/my trust WAY BACK to almost nothing and I feel so insecure, like a consolation prize or something. I've never been so insecure before. I think it's because I feel I have more to lose now w/more responsibilities of 3 kids.

Is this normal or am I just overreacting. I can handle it if I am over reacting. I would like to hear other BS perspective on this. Does it sound like I am just whining and just need to start accepting and getting over it or am I being fair minded in still having "issues"? Maybe I'm fair but still need to just get over it already?

(sorry, maybe this is the wrong "place" for this topic but I felt it went "here" because this situation has become so complicated this past year due to introduction of OC which results in necessary C w/ OW)

<small>[ December 09, 2003, 07:24 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">(about) 7 yrs. ago--H has A w/ co-worker

(about)5 1/2 yrs. ago---He "confesses" A when OW legally contacted him concerning name change of OC. H says it was a "one night stand" and that he did not know she was ever pregnant. OW says NC, wants "nothing" from MM.


Kt, did you go to counseling after that d-day? Did you get to the bottom of why the A happened?


2 yrs. ago---legally contacted again, being sued for CS(OW had started "paperwork" 2 yrs. prior but it took that long to "find" us)

1 1/2 yrs.ago---- right before CS hearing H "confesses" that it was "more" than a 1 night stand, knew she was pg. says A ended when OW told of pg., says he "knew" @ that split second that he "wanted" me and son NOT OW & OC, says he was afraid of "losing" me that's why "lied" about true nature of relationship w/ OW---- meet OW & OC (OC in our lives ever since, will be 6 yo next month)


Again, did you counsel together? It seems as if the years went by and you had to stuff-in your feelings in order not to anger your H. Did you negeotiate a POJA about contact? Were your feelings about it all taken into consideration or did your H force the issue telling you A was over and it would be ok?


one month later(my)baby #3/(WH)child #4 born. I am in a fog and it takes a few weeks more for the dust to settle and I feel devastated @ all that has transpired in past few weeks!

H & I were doing okay when we got the CS notice. I had just found out I was "unexpectedly" pregnant w/ baby #3 when we got the mail. I had been feeling a little "wacky" and concluded I had postpartum depression after baby #2 so things were kind of wierd but nothing major. Baby # 3 was not "planned" but not a big deal since we were/are married but only could enjoy that "surprise" for a week before CS notice. Then I was very scared about our financial future. 3 children would be tight but to suppport 4!!!!! Insane!

Then, to drop another bomb right before hearing. (another "forced" confession).


Your H seemed to lie to protect you as WS sometimes do. You need professional counseling to teach each other the way to deal with his lies and your distrust. He withheld the truth far too long and you deserve to know some answers. Forced confessions are not the way to heal. Your H must know that lying about a detail and then telling the truth later by force and fear sets you back in time.

The Harleys can let him know that. They can help with this as you and H DO want the marriage.


So to me, it feels like A was just 1 1/2 yrs. ago. I know I/we have come a long way in our marriage just in the past year. I know how I felt and what I thought @ the beginning of the news and how I am now.

...BUT....still I feel depressed about the situation sometimes and I can recognize "triggers" sometimes. My H, although he is much better towards me too, still seems like he has an attitude of, "get over it already" sometimes.


The Harleys will help with your H's attitude. You cannot have so many d-days and "just get over it" That is selfish thinking. H must come clean about the length of A. He must answer any question about the A honestly. Even if he thinks it will hurt you. You can tell him that. Honesty just builds trust and each time you find out another fact that you thought he told the truth on, but lied, it can throw you back in time.


I've come to the conclusion that he just doesn't want to be reminded of the past or anything negative, then I feel like I am alone, doing all the healing by myself. I know from H POV A has been long gone & over for more than 6 yrs. but for me it feels fresh since the final "confession". It didn't help to now have OW in our lives @ the same time. She of course had to add her POV of their "relationship" and it is "typical" OW story, (not her fault, all MM, "said he was seperated") which bothers me because it is %100 opposite of H story (both at fault, both fully aware of situation and marriage), which he swears is completely true.


The truth is probably somewhere in the middle of both stories. Counseling will help....


I am much more optimistic @ this point then I was @ the same time last year. We have more "control" over the situation now since we have custody/visitation issues settled w/ OW. There are just some things that STILL bother me. There are some details/questions that I was obsessed w/ in the beginning that I was smart enough not to ask, knowing it would just be worse for me, I have gotten past them.

But what about other things that come up or I find bother me? Should I just ignore them and "let them go" until it just fades w/ time or should I address them? I hate the fact that I even have a "thing" to "deal" with.


We all hate the fact we have to "deal" with this. Your questions are completely normal. In order to heal you two must deal with them honestly! They won't fade until they are addressed.


I know that this is not a "just found out" kind of issue but how long do the "lingering affects" haunt you? Maybe I SHOULD be over it by now and stop whining. One time, my H even asked me what the big deal was that he confessed that it was more than a 1 night stand, H POV was that it was still cheating whether it was once or if it was more so why would I be more bothered by it?

Is he right? Maybe he's right. I do love my H dearly and I know he loves me and he has been very patient. I really respect the effort he has put forth in being willing to do what it takes to earn my trust and love back again. I have to give him credit for that and say how I admire that. (I have told him that myself to encourage him)

I think he may be getting tired of "it" soon.


Harleys, Harleys, Harleys.... They will teach you the way to discuss things. Before he gets "tired" of it he must talk to you about everything you and he are feeling!


It seems that having OW in our life threw our/my trust WAY BACK to almost nothing and I feel so insecure, like a consolation prize or something. I've never been so insecure before. I think it's because I feel I have more to lose now w/more responsibilities of 3 kids.

Is this normal or am I just overreacting. I can handle it if I am over reacting. I would like to hear other BS perspective on this. Does it sound like I am just whining and just need to start accepting and getting over it or am I being fair minded in still having "issues"? Maybe I'm fair but still need to just get over it already?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Again was having oc in your life a POJA? Did you agree too soon out of fear of losing H? I can understand seeing ow would conjure up bad feelings so soon after you had all of this happen. Do you fear "no way out" now?

All of this must be address or you two will be living in a state of conflict avoidance. You won't be having an honest relationship. You will not trust again from fear.
KT these things have to be worked out.

It seems you started contact before anything in your marriage was solved.

You put the cart before the horse and now are stuck at what to do.

Since you both want the marriage, I'd lovingly tell your H you are having a hard time and would like to counsel with an expert so your marriage will become healthy again. Without that the grounds for the A are never met or discussed and that isn't a good thing.

Hope that helped, KT. It would seem you are only 1 1/2 years into this, but 5 years ago it should have been addressed.

love
Debi

We did go to counseling initially but it was not really that good or thorough. The counselor did what he could but we have always felt that we basically had to "work it out" on our own.

The second "true confession" was such a shock, we did start some marriage counseling again at first but then the baby was born...and then we just ended it too soon, before I really realized some of the heavier issues.

We can't afford Harley counseling right now but I have been going through the web site and reading as much as I can and taking a look over the questionairres and encouraging my H to do the same w/ me.

We chose C together but we really did not know what we were getting ourselves into. (very uncooperative OW) I would never advocate it for anyone else in a situation like this, in the future. I regret the decision and I believe my H does too but now, since we are so "into it", we're hoping things will either go smoother w/ finalized parenting agreement or we will move away completely.

H would not share any information @ first, it was like pulling teeth. He just did not want to think of A or be reminded of it so he wouldn't put any thought into the "whys" & "hows" of the situation. I think I am pretty clear now about what was going on between us @ that time in our marriage. We were both very young and didn't have any idea what we were doing. Even though I was totally taken by surprise, looking back I can see the problems. I am pretty clear on how his needs weren't being met, neither were mine, I just didn't choose to have an A to get them met. I know how I wasn't meeting some of his needs but it's very disappointing that he didn't try to let me by letting me know about them...but I try to make sure we are aware of each other more now.

He does try to relate what he was feeling/thinking during that time sometimes. Some of it will just never make sense.

Some things have (naturally) become less of an issue over time and reading around here has helped too.

But other things...maybe this is silly...but currently...I can only wear part of my wedding ring. It has 3 pieces, the engagement ring, the band AND another piece that he bought me for a birthday years ago.(I only wear the band now) He gave the b-day present piece some sentimental symbolism declaring how much he loved me @ that the time but now knowing the "time frame" of the A, H bought it for my birthday and OW was getting pregnant the SAME month. How could he be getting OW pregnant and declaring his undying LOVE for me @ the same time? I told him it was probably out of guilt OR was he trying to come to his senses and realized the A would end and wanted to get "back on track" with us? He says he can't (doesn't want to) remember but just knows he wanted to give it to me because he "loved" me!

AM I being silly? (I think Kobe's wife deserved every carat he gave her after his A <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> and so do I <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) It's dumb stuff like that that still bothers me. Then when OW said HER side of the story....I think it shouldn't really matter because I am choosing to stay in the marriage and I know, of course, he had to be saying negative things about me in order to "justify" (he hates that word)being w/ her but OW story makes the time frame a bit different and she cites incidents that he swears never happened and specific things (about BC)he swears he never said. (I did not nor would ever have asked for this information, OW told me these things during an argument (in her defense) but claims, of course, they are all true.)

I guess, I just think that I will have to ignore these issues until they just fade w/ time. I don't want to be whiny or make a big deal out of minor issues but it is hard for me to hide how I'm feeling. Thus, the rambling on and on... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I apreciate the feedback though.

Like everyone else, I'm sure, I wish there was a specific time frame that you could know all your issues would be gone by then. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> But I do see the improvement so I'm glad we are as far as we are and not @ the beginning still. Thanks

First my dear, these are not lingering feelings, but dead in the bullseye feelings. You are not past anything since all the turmoil is still going on.

You were shocked over and over again, gave birth, shocked more, made angry, then hurt. And that was before contact. With contact, you have seen your own children upset, have tried to put up with this womans nonsense, then had to drag it all into court. Honey, this isn't over at all, it is still going on. So, NO you are not overreacting at all. You are waking up to what has happened and what is happening. Part of your awakening was when you decided if it doesn't get better, you are going to move away.

So, how does this ever get better? Well, it is obvious that your husband does love you and did not want to tell you things since he is afraid of what you will do. So, calmly tell him that you need the whole truth. Write down the questions and give them to him. Give him a day or two to answer them. If that is what you need.

Personally, I think you are still on sensory overload. That you have had so many body slams and ups and downs that you are unsure of where your footing is. What you need to do is take a deep breath, calm down and relax. Then you need to look at the energy that has been taken from you and put into this issue (OC and OW) and put it back where it matters and that is on you, your husband and your children. First, why not take you, your H and kids on a fun getaway? I know it is hard to swing at the Holiday time, but what about a night out driving around looking at the decorations and lights?? Make it a fun, family friendly outting. Then get a sitter and you and he hit the town for a night of romance and relaxation. You both deserve it. No talk of children, none. Have fun, hug, snuggle, do whatever it is you used to do before you had kids.

Recharge your life. Put your energy into feel good things for you and your family. That would be a good place to start. Sounds like you don't have good therapist in your area. I can tell you some of what ours said to us.

ALWAYS put the marriage first. Sounds simple doesn't it? But it is actually hard. With jobs, laundry, dog, groceries, etc. Who has time? YOU DO!!!!! One night a week to rejuvinate yourself. This is not a luxury, but a must. Get a sitter go out to dinner, to a movie, for a walk, anything where the focus is on you two. Not on the kids, or the house or the bills or anything. Make a decision that during these outings you do not discuss anything about the affair, the oc. This is YOUR time.

Once that is set, take two hour time slots in the week and that is when you discuss the affair, the oc. This is when you discuss the problems with visitation, how it is affecting you, your kids, etc. When you both know this time is scheduled, it keeps him from feeling attacked and blindsided by rage and allows you the comfort of knowing that your concerns and feelings are being addressed or listened too. Both are prepared going into this discussion time. Both need to realize that this is huge. This is the pink elephant in the dining room and it needs to be heard and addressed. Once your two hours is up, they are up. Walk away from it. Force your mind to stop churning. Then go do something else. If you come up with thoughts or questions, write them down. Slowly, you will get back your romance, your marriage and the thoughts will slowly ebb away. See, once you feel heard and that he really gets it, you will be able to slow the thoughts down. He will never get it if he has to be on the defensive 24/7. Never knowing when the conversation is going to turn to the affair. If he knows about this time, he also has a safe place. A good way to learn and teach empathy is for you to write down some really detailed questions about his affair and have him ask the question,pretending to be you. Then you answer them. As they say the question, their mind hears and can feel what you are asking. They gain empathy and understanding pretty quick with this exercise.

The main thing is to not have the affair, and the oc and the oc visits to be the only thing you discuss in your life. The oc is a mere part of it, not the whole part of it. In time you may decide that oc isn't such a problem afterall and all will work out fine. Or you may decide that contact is to much and end it. But by spending quality time with your H, the bond will deepen and the "team" will be stronger for it. Now, for a little nasty!!! I read once where to reconnect, you need to have sex 35 days in a row. It may be long and lingering one night, a quickie the next, etc. No matter what, make it a game with each other. 35 days in a row. This will connect you. A little goal for the marriage!!! Seems stupid? Well, this little goal will be something that only the two of you share and it will be a fun goal to achieve!!! Plus the act of love, with the skin to skin will create intimacy and a closeness that has been missing while you ruminate over all these kids and the situation. So, go for it!!!! Plus who couldn't use the afterglow this time of year!!!!

You are normal. You are fine. You are going to make it, I can tell.

Dear ktbunch;
I can relate to so much of what you are saying.
It has been almost 3 and a half months since I found out H's A and OC. He too sometimes tells me that I should be over it already. Just because he has put it in the past. One month past initial Dday H told me of the second A he had with this woman.(my best friend!!) I went right back to as if I had just found out about it. Any ways....
I am curious too, about the lingering effects and how long they typically last? I still cry every night and every day over this hideous thing that has happened to me.

Kt and hangininthere,
Typically the intense sadness lasts for about a year and gradually gets better with time and the WS help.

LynnG hit it again! Kt you must address what has happened and quit putting your feelings aside.

I like the 35 day intimacy program.... For you KT it will increase your ability to not feel as second choice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Or a concilation prize.

Now about that jewelry.... My H gave me a five carat tennis bracelet for our 25th anniversary, right when A was going on. Last year I pawned it for about 150.00. I could no longer wear it without a trigger and the whole time frame thing.

I told H. Do you know what he did? Last Christmas he replaced it with a carat smaller but a style I liked better. He understood me....it wasn't the money he spent...it was he was hot and heavy in the A and bought it from guilt. I couldn't wear it knowing he was with ow during that time. The new one is a pleasure to wear.

While our friends traveled for their 25th, we spent the day at an out-of-town mall OW suggested to us! It was full of Saks 5th Avenue and Banana Republic, and other high end stores where I couldn't buy a thing. I did buy a summer skirt at a "fancy store", J Crew, but soon after d-day tossed it out along with the clothes I had on when he confessed...... I know I'm a lunatic, right? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I understand the jewelry thing KT.

I sure hope you follow my and LynnG's advice. You are normal!!!!!

love
Debi

<small>[ December 10, 2003, 09:06 PM: Message edited by: gemini1 ]</small>

LynnG.---you crack me up. That was a good hearty laugh you gave me plus the good advice. Thanks. I'll follow it (ALL of it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

HIT; it does get better, I do remember when I used to cry all the time. After the initial "confession" I used to wake up in the morning DISAPPOINTED because I didn't die in my sleep! I don't cry so much any more. I hated it too because I've never been an "emotional" person and now....I've been all over the place w/ this thing. It will get better.


I guess I've been extra sensitive the past few days because I got a really bad haircut and I look like a man or a really unnattractive old lady. It's a little bit better today though, a little more feminine looking. I actually went out in public again.

I like short hair and my H LOVES short hair (he's attracted to my neck that I have always thought was very "giraffe" like and 2 long...a match made in heaven) I got it cut (from 2 ft. long) in Oct. and it was past time to get it fixed up but this time it was way TOO short and just ended up manly! I finally figured out how to do it (there wasn't much to work with <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) to make me look like a girl again. LOL Thank God. Of course my H (so loving) couldn't stop telling (a good, acceptable lie) me how sexy he thinks it is.

THANKS FOR THE ENCOURAGEMENT EVERYONE <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Debi: I threw away the clothes I was wearing when he initially told me too! I thought I was so wierd for "having" to do that! It was one of my favorite outfits too because I thought we were going on a date. lol

<small>[ December 10, 2003, 09:20 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

A YEAR!
YIKES! I keep thinkin': there oughta be a law against causing people this much pain.
Thanks...

I wrote my H a short letter and I started by letting him know how much I love him, thanked him for being so patient w/ me, appreciated his honesty and especially all the effort he has shown in helping me work through this and working so hard for our marriage.

I told him how I recognized how I probably contributed to his defensiveness by bringing up issues that bother me wherever & whenever and let him know about setting aside a specific time out of the week to discuss these specific issues openly & honestly. I made extra sure to let him know (again) how much I admire H (something I never felt for H before) for continuously putting forth so much effort.

I think he was really touched and said thank you for all the "nice" things I wrote (the delicious soup I made helped too)....I had to hold back when he said ok we will plan a time, instead of just saying a day/time right then and there, but that is just how he is.

I didn't give him my list of questions then either because I didn't want to overwhelm him all @ once either. I'll wait a few days until it seems like he's gotten the "total honesty" idea in his head a bit.

This seems like it calmed me down but @ the same time I struggle w/ being so sensitive to his feelings and resent that he wasn't sensitive to mine w/ regards to the A and being honest from the beginning. I'm trusting (hoping) that being sensitive to H will create an atmoshere of sensitivity towards each other in BOTH of us.

And that's a good start KT! The time will come and you will discuss what is bothering you with your H.

Try not to attack him, allow him a safe space to come clean.

I know, sometimes an attack is good for OUR souls, but a major LB!!!!

HanginInThere, there should be a law about that painful first year, but it does get better with time.

BTW ktBunch,
I wonder who else threw away the clothes they were wearing on d-day? I thought I was alone in that one! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

When I think about it, it was probably because those clothes were going to be the first of so many triggers! At least I got to throw away one trigger!

Here's hoping the future talks with your H will prove to be the trust building you so desperately need!

love
Debi

The trick to short hair and long neck is the gamine effect. You need to have well done, smokey eyes!!! Might I suggest a facial, new makeup and a killer eye shadow, deftly applied over a liner? Earings that sparkle will illuminate your beautiful face. Real or not, diamonds really add sparkle to the eye area. One trick, after putting on the eye pencil, then smudging it with a dark eye powder: dab a bit of much lighter eye shadow directly above the pupil, just a little dab will do it. Instant eye brightner!!!! Then of course make sure you have your skin dewey with a fab body lotion. For winter dry skin, has everybody tried Bath and Body Works Body Butter? Real rich and not for everyday, but to help get that 35 day workout started, you will be smooth as silk and smell fab!!!!

KT, you are going to be so happy in a few years. I promise you. I am!! I love to see people walk out of this fire intact!!!!! I also promise you that someday this will be just a thing in your life. It wont hurt. You will meet some young woman, with a couple of kids and she will be right were you are now. As you hear her tale, you are not going to be triggered at all. Instead, the empathy and compassion from lifes experience with the same pain is going to allow you to speak of your own trials. Letting her see that this is not the end of the world. THEN you will realize you are healed. It will never be pleasant memory, or something you are happy you had to go through. You will be angry when you see the wolves stalking the fawn. You will be angry for her, you will try to uplift her spirits. You will be the one who can listen endlessly as her mind goes over and over and over what has happened. Cause only people who have lived through this have the patience to do so, understanding the need. Yep, you are going to be (heck you already are), one stong woman with a gift to help others. I had a woman, in the early days who let me vent, vent, vent. She had lived through what I was dealing with. Today we are the dearest of friends. I have met some wonderful friends over the years who have been through this. Funny, how we find each other.

So, quit reading and go for your 35 day workout!!!!

LynnG, you are such a joy to read!

The encouragement you give to people here is truly YOUR gift for having been through this so long ago.

The beauty hints are teriffic too. Love that body butter...Ahhh... Bath and Body Works has candles too, splurge!

Kt, the haircut sounds wonderful. Good for you spending time on YOU. I just had my hair colored and cut (long) last Thursday. I'm a million shades of blonde and the cut is a longer updated 70's shag-cut. LOVE IT!!! and so does H!

Have fun on your workouts, kt. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks again, LynnG!
love
Debi

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ahhhh shucks, Gemini, thanks!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

okay.....I'm trying to be patient here. It's been a few days (ok only a week since I 1st posted this topic) but still no "talk". This is unlike me not to be able to talk things out and about the things that are bothering me.

This is when I start feeling taken advantage of. I said I would wait to discuss "things" at our specific time and place but still no time has been designated or set aside.

Having all these things on my mind is not helping me deal with "triggers". Last night was OC Christmas program. It was our "time" w/ her so we had control this time of taking her and leaving when we wanted w/ her. That was good.

We left all our BC w/ grandparents because of treatment by OW family @ last school "event". We asked OW if her family would be attending or not, when she finally replied, OW said she didn't know. We didn't want to risk it so we left them behind. They were not to happy about that. I hate that we have to do that. Turns out no one but OW (not even other sibling) was there, so we could have brought them any way. Stupid stuff like that annoys me. I feel like we are being forced (manipulated) to "choose".

I can handle annoyances though, I just don't like it. It was a long night to be away from BC and since it was "our time" it meant 3 trips back and forth of driving to and from school. (priviledges of homeschooling that we get to avoid! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

I'll stop whining and try to be patient a little while longer I guess. I was nice and offered to take OW picture w/ OC for her. I was tempted to cut her head off in it though! LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

My hair looks great now and better than ever BTW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (which helped last night having to see OW!)

<small>[ December 16, 2003, 07:49 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

Well if they have different stories, you could always suggest that the 3 of you get together to get the stories straight! You obviously will have some contact with OW due to the child, so it's not like you're digging up old news or anything..........just a suggestion. And I'd love to see the look on his face if you did suggest it.

You'll be able to tell by watching both of them who is lying and who isn't.

I don't think the OW has anything to gain by lying, but your H has lots to lose if he hasn't been completely honest with you.

jmho

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Still Trying:
<strong> Well if they have different stories, you could always suggest that the 3 of you get together to get the stories straight! You obviously will have some contact with OW due to the child, so it's not like you're digging up old news or anything..........just a suggestion. And I'd love to see the look on his face if you did suggest it.

You'll be able to tell by watching both of them who is lying and who isn't.

I don't think the OW has anything to gain by lying, but your H has lots to lose if he hasn't been completely honest with you.

jmho </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I have thought of doing that but then why argue? And it would takes lots of planning since OW schedule is so "hard". And actually I have had the opportunity for a "face to face" and it had potential to come to "blows" which was not good for any one, especially MY kids who were there that she was insulting. It seems I am more "level headed" and "self-controlled" because since ALL the children were there I had the common sense NOT to say everything I had always dreamed of saying to her while SHE seemed to be waiting for this opportunity to let out what she had been dreaming of. So instead of trying to "argue" w/ OW or wanting to hear all the blah blah blah my H obviously must have told her to justify A, my point was and always will be, "YOU KNEW HE WAS MARRIED!" To which OW had no comeback but to reply w/ an insult about my 10yo right in front of him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

duh! What do you think OW has to gain? MY H or else at least guranteeing that I don't have him or a healed marriage. OW wants to cry complete innocent victim! Big Fat Lie.

And my pride in the matter why I won't have a face to face, I don't want OW to get the satisfaction that she accomplished her goal of planting the seeds of doubt in my brain.

BTW I read your O on the tony46 post: My H and I have generous C w/ OC and I STRONGLY suggest no one EVER go that route if they want to protect their BC AND their marriage.