I don't know what to do about this, if anything.

W broke down and confessed everything to me in August. 3 affairs, one right before we married, another right after we married, another in 2000. I moved out on November 1 and we will be divorcing.

One thing I don't know how to deal with is a question about my daughter. She's 6, and she was conceived right around the time that W's PA with OM#2 ended. Supposedly, she ended it right after she found out she was pregnant. In August, needless to say, I asked her if the kids were mine. She said they were. After much questioning, I finally got her to admit that it was possible that my daughter was actually his.

We haven't gone for DNA testing or anything like that. Part of me wants to know but a larger part of me doesn't -- as far as I'm concerned, she's my daughter, PERIOD. I'm her Daddy, and I love her to death. I stayed at home for a year to be a full-time Dad when she was 2-3 just before I returned to school (which, incidentally, despite her enthusiastic endorsement of this arrangement, caused W to lower her estimation of me, such that she had PA #3 near the end of that time period).

What's bugging me is, it's possible that she could someday find out that she's not my child (and I don't know for sure if she is or not). Some people have told me she looks like me, but every time somebody remarks how much she looks like W, I die a bit inside, because they're NOT telling me she looks like me.

I made W promise me that, whatever happens, and whatever we may or may not find out, OM#2 will NEVER know about it. I've told her that I will not allow my rights as my little girl's father to be usurped in any way by that piece of sh*t, and that I will take steps, if need be, to prevent that from happening.

I won't go so far as to say that this is eating me alive or anything -- it just crosses my mind occasionally, mostly because she's still a small child. I want to do the right thing in this frigging mess but I don't know what that is. If she someday finds out that somebody else is her (biological) father, I can only imagine that she'll be devastated, and I will have been complicit in keeping that possibility from her for her whole life. All I will able to say (and I hope it's enough) is that I love her, that she'll always be my little girl, etc. Or is it better to head it off now, find out for sure, and come up with a strategy knowing all the facts?

I told W a few months ago that she'd better start coming up with some plans as to how she'll explain her screwing around to the kids, because obviously if it turns out my daughter is not mine, that whole stinking business will become known to them too.

(And, BTW, I'm not worried about my son's parentage; he was conceived about a month after A#3 supposedly ended, and he's a spitting image of me.)

Any thoughts or suggestions?

Thanks.

dog,

I'm not sure that I'd do anything, given your situation. You love your daughter, and I don't think she's going to find out anything different about her parentage unless you need to be genetically typed for a transplant for her (or vice versa). You're going to be divorcing, but you're not contemplating on suing your wife to reduce child support (I'm assuming that she gets the kids here...).

I laugh (sorry) when you describe how it hurts when people say your daughter looks like your wife. My third child is definitely an OC, and I crack up when people tell me how much he looks like me. Or looks absolutely nothing like me. I wouldn't let it eat you---you'll find this passes with more time.

Just go and love your kids. They'll be much better for it, and so will you.

K -- thanks for the response. I guess part of my concern was sparked by something my high school biology teacher said to the class years ago that stuck in my mind; something about a teenager learning about Mendel's fruit fly experiments and blood typing, doing a classroom experiment where they take blood types, and determining that their father is not who they thought. I don't know how likely this scenario is, but it's given me cause to think. Maybe I'm just being paranoid.

And no, there's no thought of suing to reduce child support or anything; we're basically doing a 65% her / 35% me split, timewise.

Sorry about your situation, but I'm glad to hear it passes as time goes on. In my case I don't know for certain, so maybe I can just learn to forget about the lingering possibilities. I do love my daughter dearly, so she'll always be mine, whatever happens.

I just wanted to give you a little different point of view.

My parents told me when I was a child (around 9 or 10 yo) that my dad was not my dad. I really didn't understand @ first and the situation is different (teenage pg. not A) but the information did nothing positive for me. As an adult I don't see my dad as anything but my DAD, the best dad in the world. The "other" is just a sperm donor nothing more, nothing less. So depending on when/if your daughter ever finds out I don't think she will be that devastated by the "genetic technicality" as much as she would more by the fact that her mother is responsible for turning her home/life upside down.

And just curious...if your W is so irresponsible to destroy her marriage this way...why does she get the kids? (majority any way)

I hope this at least comforts you about that.

One more perspective. I am an OC conceived of my mother's affair. She was married to my dad, the man who raised me, the person I love most in the world. My mother separated from my father, conceived me with a previous (pre-marriage) boyfriend. My father wooed her back to the marriage and adores me. He says he was there for all the important moments of my life (first words--ones he taught me, first day of school, graduation, wedding) EXCEPT the least important--my conception.

However, it can and does come out sometimes. My family had to go through genetic testing for a rare illness when I was 35. My parents 'fessed up before the testing in fear that the truth would come out.

I was devestated. I felt like my whole life had been a lie. It took me about a year to put my head back on straight. I found it as painful as learning of my H's affair and child.

I am not saying that you have to tell. When both parents know the true biological facts, I encourage them to tell because I think that secrets warp family relationships, but you don't know. It seems just as likely that she is your biological daughter. We know that she is your daughter in all the ways that count though.

Wishing you peace and recovery,
MJ