I found out Sunday, that my husband of
10 years had an affair. It started around my 7th anniversary and lasted for a
year (if that part of his story is true). It lasted through a separation,
through marriage counseling (my original goal was to get help to leave him) and a reconciliation and according to him it
basically ended when he found out she was pregnant (shortly after the counseling started, he can't remember when). But apparently he kept in
touch with her (this entire time) and according to him, the baby is most likely his (I can't understand his certainty if they only slept together 4-5 times as he claims). I am devastated. I have worked
so hard on my marriage. I have forgiven an internet porn addiction and A LOT
of lies. I even suspected an affair and convinced myself I was wrong. But I
was right. The worst part is I had relaxed. I had hope my marriage was
working, I even went off the pill two weeks ago because I thought my marriage was ready for us to start a family. And wham,
while looking for a receipt in his car Sunday, I found a birthday present to "My
dad, from Juanantonio". I didn't understand it at first, but it clicked when I
remembered seeing a picture of his friend from his last job with a baby. He
gave me an excuse for having it (the picture) and I believed him. I feel like such a fool
now. All of the signs were there and I just wasn't ready to see them.
Besides the unending pain, the hardest part is not knowing what to do. I kicked him out on Sunday, but I want to know what he's doing. I'm insisting on a paternity test, I want him to see a counselor, but I've told him for years the ONLY possible outcome to something like this would be a divorce. But I'm not sure. I still love him. BUT I don't think I could live with him having a child. I think I could get over the affair, but a child would be a constant reminder. I am very confused right now. I've realized that I am not in any frame of mind to decide anything. I've got his assurance (for what it's worth) that while a divorce is pending he will not do anything to harm his future or to cause me more harm. So I'm going to try to cut my contact with him for a few days (we've been in email contact about the practicle side of separating and I've sent him info on paternity tests and on counseling AND one huge no no....an email with all of the torture questions I have about the affair...you now...did he initiate the sex, did he enjoy it, was she better than me, did he do things with her that he did with me...I need to believe it was emotionless and guilt ridden sex. I can't believe that he enjoyed it. It just hurts too much). I'm going to check out websites on surving the affair and on surviving a divorce (a thought that scares me to death...I'm 34 1/2, I want to be married and having babies....not dating). I'm determined to not decide anything until at least January 1, but even that is hard. I am not what a consider a weak person, but I can't seem to control anything right now (and I'm a control freak, part of the problem).

My family and friends are trying so hard to help, but they don't understand and I'm starting to feel like a burden. I'm so needy right now, especially with the holidays rapidly approaching. Can anyone suggest anything that will help me be patient with getting some kind of resolution. I hate not knowing what to do.

Lori

I am sorry I cannot be of any more help to you, as I am pretty new here too...but I do feel for you. This is an awful situation to find yourself in. I am sure some of the members who have had more time to deal with this can be of more help.
You are not alone.
I come here often and just read, read, read. I hope this place will help you as much as it has helped me.
Please take care and good luck to you.

aghhh!!! My 1yo d just smacked the keyboard and erased all I wrote. I'm sorry I don't have time to rewrite everything.

Well, I know this really sucks for you right now. It will be a whirlwind for awhile. Do what you need to try and take care of yourself and stay focused.

What does your H want to do? Does he want to stay married?

If you both decide you want to stay married you can make it. It may be harder than ever for awhile but there is light at the end of the tunnel and you two will emerge better than ever.

Expect to feel like everything is out of control; your emotions, thoughts and life. It has all been turned upside down.

I'm sorry you have to be going through this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ December 13, 2003, 08:31 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

I honestly don't know what he wants. I have always told him if he did this it would be the end. I never thought I would waffle like this. Even with their being an OC. I feel like I am co-dependent and have no self-esteem for even considering staying married. I went to the bookstore tonight and one of the books I picked up said it never works out if there is an OC.

When I kicked him out on Sunday I thought that was it, but we've talked or emailed most days since. Except today. Today I don't know where he is. I'm panicked. He says he is not seeing the OW, but I can't trust that. He wasn't where I thought he was going to be, he hasn't answered my email. How can I do this?

Hi Lori,

I'm also new here, so may not be much help. Coming to this site and reading the posts has helped me a lot. It helps to know that others are going through this.

Dr. Harley's book, Surviving the Affair really help me, too. It also helped my husband. There is a bookstore on this site and Dr. Harley has written several books. Your marriage can work even if there is an oc. There are people here who are proof that that is true.

I also wanted to kick my husband out when I found out, but I also wanted to keep tabs on him, so I let him stay. It's been several months now and things are much calmer now. It does take a long time to get that trust back. Although things are much better now, I certainly don't trust him like I used to.

Good luck to you!