I am upset because I have been lied to, and I am having a hard time dealing with how it affected me to be lied to for 10 years. I saw OC almost everyday and didn't even know she was my H's child. I saw FOW almost everyday too, and I never clued in. How can this be real?

I don't know the man I married! He is not who I thought he was at all. So many memories of all the happiness I thought we had, and it is all lies. Because he had A's with my best friend, I feel like I can trust nobody. I am so sad. It is like I am having flashbacks of my whole married life...

How do you trust again after that?
How do you forgive?

It is daily an internal struggle that I am having to deal with. My H is very sorry and remorseful, yet he never has a bad word to say about FOW. I want to hear him say something awful about her, I think that would help me, but he just says it was HIS mistake and he won't blame anyone else for it.
Yet when we have arguments, he has no trouble putting me down. His FOW is a tramp! She even slept with her own BIL. OH, I am so weary of all of this, I do want to, and am trying to give him another chance, but don't know how, when, or IF forgiveness will ever come even though I do want so badly to forgive him.

I am feeling like I will never be happy again. My family has abandoned me for staying in my marriage and trying to work it out. I feel so all alone. Everyone has judgments about what I am doing by choosing to stay. Sometimes it feels like nothing is going right at all.

Boo hoo hoo...
Does anyone else ever feel like this?
I know it has only been 3 and a half months since Dday, but oh! I just wanna be happy again!

You can't rush reality. I know, I wish I could too. It will take time. You can't make a wound heal any faster than it's natural rate.

It is a very hard thing your going through, cut your self some slack and let yourself go through the stages or else you won't be able to progress and heal fully.

The trust will come back in little stages and baby steps but it will.

My H never said anything "bad" about OW either, and I used to feel like he was defending her. He would say the same thing, that H was wrong and he took all the guilt upon himself. Finally when he saw OW "part" in it, he knew he was still wrong but it relieved him of some of the unneccessary guilt. OW doesn't take any responsibility so it doesn't even really matter. But I considered MYSELF innocent so I didn't want OW to be categorized as innocent too, in the same category as me. I had to feel I was better than OW somewhere in this whole mess. Maybe they don't want OW to be something "bad" because then what does that say about them to be attracted to "that kind" of woman?

This is just so terrible, I know. All the good memories you had w/ your family and H were still good times. You still experienced fun times, those WERE sincere feelings right? So don't let HER rob you of all the sincere emotions you had. I know they feel tainted but if it's too painful to think of the memories, then make some new ones.

The rest of your life will be divided into "before" and "after". Your at the "after" so start filling it with some silliness. I know this seems impossible right now but you need to laugh and enjoy your d. Even if it's just you and your BC getting out together for awhile.

Take things easy. Make some new traditions. Too worn out to cook dinner? Eat a giant bowl of popcorn, string some while you munch. Anything to make things easy for a moment and forget, if even for a moment. You have enough to worry/think about so make everything else as easy as possible for now.

Eventually all these months will just be a blur in your memory bank. One big grey, blurry spot. Chin up, your a good person and a terrific wife and mother. Your H knows that which is why he is w/ you. You will win this situation. You will survive it. You can make it. You will be dignified and people will wonder HOW you were able to make it work and you will be able to tell them and they will see (if they don't already) all the strength you have. Your d will be so proud of you, and when she gets older she will really respect the woman you are and the woman you helped her become and the way you helped your BC keep the father they love.

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

My H had many opportunities to "come clean", which he chose not to take, and the reason he had so many chances was because he was dishonest so many times about the A. But eventually it all comes out and you then can rebuild the trust. I have more respect for my H now than ever and I actually "admire" him now which is something I never had felt for him before.

It will get better.

<small>[ December 15, 2003, 12:31 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

Hang, I am sorry your family is not supportive. My family stood with me and all my decisions.

You are in a tough place. If your H is really sincere, get counseling, for the whole family.

Wishing you well, ember

Hangin,
You are about where I was 3 months post d-day.

I also wanted to hear what a bad person ow was. It took H a long time to finally see they were both such selfish people!

Even after ow did tons of things to H and our family, he would not say a bad thing about her.

It wasn't until this past year, that he suddenly came out of his trance and when we discussed things ow was still doing that he said he couldn't stand the sight of her. That he couldn't believe he was ever with her.

I think because of the numerous things she did so vindictivly, he finally saw her for what she is.... a spoiled person who acts up when she doesn't get her own way. He's actually apathetic toward her which is better than hating, just acting as if she never existed if and when we see her.

Your feelings at this time are within reason. Be careful not to act too angry if he won't say anything wrong about ow. That may come in time.

As far as your family goes, that's too bad. I had nothing but support from both sides and that helps a great deal.

Blessings and prayers.
love
Debi

I know what you mean about him not being the man you married. My husband was all about family values. If you knew him, you'd think he was the last person in the world to do something like this. I just think that he's done a very bad thing, but that doesn't make him a bad person. My husband also used to defend the ow. He doesn't now. I think he blames her for this mess. I think it's easier to blame others.

I'm sorry about your family. We haven't told ours. We're only 2 months into this, so we don't know what we're going to do, yet. H doesn't like to talk about it. He's really embarrassed and ashamed. Wish he would have felt that way sooner! I know my family will hate him, so I'm not in any big hurry to tell them. I haven't told anyone! I think all of this just takes time. Your situation is very difficult because you were betrayed by two people that you trusted, not just one. Have you read any of Dr. Harley's books? Surviving an Affair (I think that's the name) is really good.

I probably didn't help much, but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. It's hard to trust again, especially after only 3 months. We'll all feel better next year this time!

Good luck to you!

I guess I was just having a really crappy day... I had a hard time finding any reason to smile.

Thanks so much for the responses, it helps me tremendously just to know that others care. I still cannot believe the horrible reaction of my family to this. I didn't do anything wrong, I am trying to be a forgiving person and even though I am hurting, I love my husband so much. If I didn't love him, this whole unreal experience would not hurt as much.

I still have lots of issues... I haven't even asked my H for too many of the details of his A's with her. I probably never will because I know it will hurt too much, but I also now have so many unanswered questions. It is just that I don't think I can bear to know anything that I find out. My mind still spins with images of them together, I know they did things in our house... oh, how I wish she was some faceless stranger! I know when I asked my husband how the A ended he said it was a mutual decision, both of them agreed on. But when I went to confront FOW she said she was the one who ended it (I didn't even ask her)-she was even going to give me the date she ended it on... but who do I believe? they are both liars? I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter, I just need to go on from here and not look back, but is so hard.

Also FOW is soo incredibly callous, when I went over to her house to tell her that I knew about her A's with my H, and she said how fitting it was that I would come and tell her on that particular day because it was 10yrs to the day that her OC was conceived! Why did she have to tell me that? She just hurt me so much! She tried to tell me other hurtful things and I just told her to please remember that I was still married to this man, and that I didn't want to know all of the details. I was very polite to her and I still can't understand why she wanted to hurt me? Even when I found out about her secrets and lies I never hurt her, either with my actions or words.
My heart can't take anymore.

I feel so bad for all of the BS on here that are just finding out about A's and their spouses are still involved with the OP, or OC hasn't been born yet. I don't know how I would have handled that at all.

ktbunch said something that really helped me. Maybe that is why I feel my H needs to say something awful about her because I am innocent too and don't want to be classed with her. His silence does make me feel like he is defending her. Even though our whole community is talking about how trashy she is, I just want to hear my H say something horrible about her!

Yes my H and I go to counseling individually and as a couple and our children are in counseling as well. I have done a lot of reading but not that particular book.

Thank you all for being my main source of help and encouragement through this. You are much appreciated.

I wouldn't take what that ow said to heart. That was cruel to say to you and was probably said out of hurt, anger and guilt on her part. Some women are just vindictive; her game is over and you've spoiled her fun.

I want to bad sometimes to go up to my h's ow and just introduce myself. Sometimes I feel like it would be better to just get it out in the open with her. My h is strongly against us meeting and has said to me and to the mc he doesn't want us in the same room. He has told me she is a brute basically and hits people. I am a more passive person, but I can say in the last 2 mths I have grown stronger than I ever imagined. Most of the time though I run, avoid and hide like I am the one that mucked everything up.

Ignore what OW says! She is just trying to hurt you. She is evil and cares about no one but herself.

OW in my life tried to tell me the same kind of things for no reason. (that OC was concieved in my home, that H didn't believe BC was "his" child <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) They hurl insults as their defense because they know they have no defense because they know they are totally %100 wrong. All they can think of to say is another insult, they just try to attack.

Don't waste another breath on or to OW. She is nothing. You ARE better than her, especially since it sounds like she still cares for no one but herself.

<small>[ December 16, 2003, 07:19 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

I think that maybe I am mourning the loss of FOW's friendship? (or the friendship I THOUGHT we had). We were so close. I just feel so used. It is so hard to believe that our friendship meant nothing to her, that she used me to get to my H. I will try not to worry about what she said to me, I obviously didn't know her at all, and now her true nature is coming out.
My Mom died when I was only three years old and I just wish she was here to give me a hug and help me through this. Even though I did not know my Mom, I miss her so much. And now with the rest of my family not even concerned about me or my kids I am so sad and unhappy. I know these feelings will not last forever but while I am experiencing them it is all I can think about.
My H does not communicate with me very well, probably because of all the secrets he was hiding from me over the years, he has learned how to close off his feelings. With the counseling he has opened up more but I know it will take time. Everything will take time, this much I have learned. For now I just want to get through a day without thinking about the OC and their lies and A's at least a 100 times! It seems there are reminders everywhere. I was unpacking my Christmas stuff and came across more pictures of her. I have gotten rid of most of her pictures and now I can't even look at my wedding
photographs because she was one of my bridesmaids.
Guess I am still feeling sorry for myself...
I think I will go now and give all of my kids a big hug. I am blessed to have them.