I need your advice on something...something's come up in regards to ex-ow harrassing us and my husband is afraid that if we speak up or use an attorney it will piss her off and she'll take us to court to raise the CS...long story...please e-mail me off board at cajun_honeybee@hotmail.com

I need to be able to present some facts to hubby to show him that there are legal recourses we can take without living in fear of her holding the "increase in CS" over our heads because she didn't get her way.

Thanks in advance,
Twiisty
PLEASE RESPOND

I am in the same position. I would be interested in the same type information
Thanks!

First is your child support set up legally, and filed with the courts in accordance with your state law? That has to be first and foremost. If she signed off, she accepted, she can't run back to the well over and over again.

Now, to protect assets in the future, speak to the attorney. Example. Increases. You can have increases held off, or put into retirement accounts instead of actual income. You can have it at the end of the year in a bonus. In our state, OC is not able to get any bonus $$. So needless to say, H had huge bonuses over the years.

If your afraid to confront this woman, you are letting her control you. Set this all up legally and she can't do anything. She can't go for more CS if he has not had an increase. What he needs to do is find creative and legal ways in your state to keep the increase from showing up as income. You can also go to court and try to have cs lowered also. This whole chils support issues has two sides. You can try to get it lowered also. We went a few years where husband had no increase (we had it deferred in bonuses, to money market accounts, billed out separately to a firm that I own), then we had another child. We were able to go to court and lower the CS. This does not happen in a month. It was a well thought out, planned, legal manuver. This CS will go on for 18 years. You have to set it up, and slowly, methodically and with legal representation set everything up to protect your financial well being in the future.

If you are worried about OW, did you not go through the courts for this? If not, then file for a legal separation, and get suppport for your children. You can also on your "separation" have him pay spousal support, house payments, etc. This protects the family income. How can she get an increase if he is paying you??

However, the single most important thing you must do is have everything go through an attorney. I know they are expensive, but they will save you not only money but the frustration of dealing with this whole mess and let you live your life.

Did she sign off on the CS offered? Or was it state mandated? Why can she go after more? Based on what? If she is due more, then you need to speak to an attorney pronto about how you can protect assets

There are loopholes all over the place. Fact is you might lose out now, but if set up properly and looking to the future, you can not only adjusts it downwards, but also end up with a decent savings account out of it. We are short two years and are free of the financial obligation to the OC. The motions set in place years ago have us sitting pretty good today. Money that was set aside is a decent nest egg for retirement. Now that we are 16 years past, retirement is not to far off!!!

This is why I think NC with OW/OC is a must. You can also get an restraining order against her. Not allowing her to contact any member of your family, and if she does, get it set up so she pays YOUR legal fees. IT only takes one or two trips downtown and a couple legal bills for them to understand GO THROUGHT THE ATTORNEY. There is no reason to ever discuss a thing with her. We had it set up that she has to go through the laywers for everything. Since we are not in contact with OC, there was no reason to call us for a thing. She still has leins against her house for a few legal bills. She can run, but she can't hide!!

I cant tell you enough how important it is to do this legally. SO SO SO IMPORTANT. Plus most laywers will give you a deal when they realize what the situation is. Go find a barracuda attorney, and be aggressive.

Lets talk more. I will get a hotmail account and get in touch with you this weekend.

Another thing. Document Document Document. She can't harrass you. Blackmail is illegal in this country also. If she is contacting you. Try to do it via letters or email. Then print it out. Get an aswering machine that actually uses tapes. If she leaves a threatening or blackmailing message it is legal.


Also, if you have no contact, why on earth is she contacting you? Don't let her jerk your chain. Call and get the legal advice. The most important thing is legal legal legal. Let her hang herself. You always take the legal, high road and she will live to regret her games.

I will contact you this weekend.

Lynn,
Thanks for your fast reply.
The situation is this:

I found out on d-day, we filed a paternity suit to establish if the child was hubby's. Turned out said child was.

We were ordered an exhorbiant amount to pay because where we are it's all formula based and the courts didn't care that other children existed. (I can explain more to you in future e-mails).

Long story short, she agreed to settle out of court for a lesser amount (It still affects us financially). Also so got sole care and legal custody of the child. My hubby wants no contact and insists to this day that he wanted to originally adopt her out. (again, I can e-mail you the full situation).

I was not impressed with my husband's attorney the first time around. I am toying with the idea of using my attorney that I have now to reperesent us in future dealings with ex-ow.(My attorney is a no-nonsense hard hitting one)

I look forward to hearing from you. I just want to protect my children and continue to have NC. I think she's just missing him and wanted to rattle our cages...but that's another situation altogether.

Thanks so much,
Twiisty

Stick with the hard hitting attorney. So she is getting alot, and could get more? That is simpy awful. Could be a problem. Speak with the laywer.

Can you file for a legal separation now? With husband agreeing to give you the max? That would certainly alter what she could come back and get? Worth chatting to the laywer with.

You make me want to start a family legal aid society for BW everywhere!! With a little vacation fund built in. You know, send all BW to some tropical paradise to soothe thier hurt and bond with each other. I remember it being really hard the first couple of years to trust anyone with my pain. Eventually, I learned of and met other wives in the same type of predictament. We bonded and took care of each other. They were a godsend. But the early days, are spent alone.

I am going to dig up your posts and try to decipher what is going on. I am going to a dinner party this evening and my attorney and his wife will be there. I will run what I know of your situation by him and see what he says. He laughs at me all the time now. I see him (they are social friends), and since September, when I was asked to come here, I have asked to many "what if" questions! But he understands. He has a few clients with this situation.

I'm going to go and search out your story.

Just a reminder..

If you'd like to avoid posting your email addresses, you can send them to me.

Anyone requesting email contact with another member of the forum can email me with their address & their request,,,I will forword the request to the intended person (if I have their address) and they can make contact if they choose to do so. Much safer than posting it on the forum! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Thanks Justus!
But I created this e-mail specifically for people to contact me and then I give them my "real" e-mail....
I appreciate all you do for this forum!
Hugs,
Twiisty

Sorry if I'm being a buttinsky here, hope you both don't mind but I would also like to know this information.

We just wasted $$$ on a lawyer that seemed to be good and encouraging until we would actually get to court then it seemed like she took OW side for many of the things we were contesting and just wanted us to "agree" to things so we never even set foot in the courtroom.

How do you find a "good" attorney? It would behoove us to get things situated asap since we are still kind of at the beginning, 12 1/2 more years to go. I'd like to be able to plan for the future. OW is on welfare so things are legally more tied up I think. CS is set up through the court, legally and is a "standard" formula in our state but there are "hardships" you can request from the judge, such as if you have other children, but unfortuneately that is an option that is up to the judge to consider.

ANYWAY, if you don't mind I would also like some information/advice if you don't mind sharing it.

PS: my H is in sales so income is variable and the courts did not like that and "compromised" on an income amount that was between what we showed H made and what DA claimed H made! So I'd like to know how to prevent that in the future.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We just wasted $$$ on a lawyer that seemed to be good and encouraging until we would actually get to court then it seemed like she took OW side for many of the things we were contesting and just wanted us to "agree" to things so we never even set foot in the courtroom. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is exactly what happened to us with my husband's lawyer and we blew our retirement fund on a lawyer that wouldn't even let me stand by my husband or even go to court with them!

I was treated like someone who doesn't matter!

twiisty

Interview the attorneys. Let them know, in writing, what it is you are hoping they can do for you. They all want to avoid court as it is expensive. If you feel they have not represented you in the way you requested, let them know.

It is vital that you are aware that this is a process. Nothing happens over night.

I spoke with attorney last night. He said to interview attorneys, discuss your legal status, and financial status. Be honest and let them know you want cs reduced. Find one you are most comfortable with. Usually the best ones for this are divorce laywers as they are familiar with family law, separations, cs, etc. Laywers are like Doctors some are better then others, some listen better etc.

Lynn,

I hope you don't mind me asking, but what state do you live in? Does anyone know about bonus money in FL? My husband gets pretty nice bonuses and we'd like to keep them! We don't have an attny yet, but are planning on talking to a few after the holidays.

I really enjoyed reading your reply, Lynn. You seem to know what you're talking about. I can't wait to talk to an attny and find out how much money we're going to have to pay.

Thanks!

I'm with KTbunch on the OW being on welfare. OW is pregnant now and is due 2/04. We live in CA, and OW is on Medi-cal for her pregnancy. OW is not allowed anything else due to her being a FELON for drug charges. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Even after the baby is born she is not entitled to any cash aid or food stamps for herself. This is a sort of a punishment from the state that doesn't allow FELONS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> to receive help. OW is entitled to cash aid and food stamps for the baby only.

My question: Is my h entitled to pay the county back for the medi-cal she is receiving for her pregnancy? If so, how much ½? See that's were I'm confused if my h is entitled to pay the county for her medical, isn't she entitled to pay 1/2 too?

I don’t understand the County system at all, it's to confussing. Do they collect money from my h the amount of welfare and food stamps OW will get for the OC or will they take away OW welfare and tell my husband ok you now have to pay CS & Health Insurance? I’m confused on the whole welfare system… Any clues, anyone?
OW is not able to take care of herself w/o the welfare system involved.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Devistated Chris:
<strong> I'm with KTbunch on the OW being on welfare. OW is pregnant now and is due 2/04. We live in CA, and OW is on Medi-cal for her pregnancy. OW is not allowed anything else due to her being a FELON for drug charges. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Even after the baby is born she is not entitled to any cash aid or food stamps for herself. This is a sort of a punishment from the state that doesn't allow FELONS <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> to receive help. OW is entitled to cash aid and food stamps for the baby only.

My question: Is my h entitled to pay the county back for the medi-cal she is receiving for her pregnancy? If so, how much ½? See that's were I'm confused if my h is entitled to pay the county for her medical, isn't she entitled to pay 1/2 too?

I don’t understand the County system at all, it's to confussing. Do they collect money from my h the amount of welfare and food stamps OW will get for the OC or will they take away OW welfare and tell my husband ok you now have to pay CS & Health Insurance? I’m confused on the whole welfare system… Any clues, anyone?
OW is not able to take care of herself w/o the welfare system involved. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We also live in CA. We have to pay back the state for ALL the time "OC" was on welfare, which OW is receiving on behalf of minor OC. How much you pay is determined by how much your monthly CS would be. Times that # by the # of months OC on welfare and that is what you will owe the state, of course ALL this is IF you were/are not paying CS while OC is receiving welfare. AND it will be on your (father's) credit record as a "debt" he owes. And for CA CS is "roughly" 20% of father's income. And NO, OW will NOT be responsible to pay for 1/2, father will have to pay back as the "calculated" monthly obligation as arrears. OW will pay nothing because the reasoning (I'm assuming) is if father would have been paying CS then welfare would not have been needed.

I read in the CS handbook that if parent is receiving "aid", CS will go directly to the state and that parent will only receive the first $50 (no matter the amount) of the CS payment, the rest will go straight to the state to pay back the welfare benefits currently being used.

Get prepared, "devastated", the CS system is messed up, @ least in CA.

You’re not lying about the CA welfare system being messed up. My h pays practically nothing in back child support for his other 4 boys and has not been pursued to get health insurance for the boys either? It's literally chump change; I’m nowhere being rich at all to call money chump change but that’s the truth. He lucked out big time. We Love the boys and we always get what they need anyways. I can't image him paying that much more to OW for OC. I'm pretty sure my h will get a sweet deal on CS if OC is his.

The thing about the welfare system is you have to pay the County only what is given to OP and that’s it. OW has to work, she has no other means of income, and after the OC is born she will have to go back. The welfare will not give her any money due to her being a felon. The money given by the Welfare system will be enough for the OC only, which means it will practically be close to nothing again. They will also have to consider her income as well as my h income. I hear these things from a little birdie of mine…

Not only will OW get practically nothing, my h 4 boys are moving in with us within two weeks and before OC is born in Feb/04, the courts will have to consider his 4 boys and our son together.

Don’t get me wrong and I’m not being greedy but it’s the fact that this OW has tried to put a restraining order on me for harassment (it was dropped) I found out my d-day through her when she came to my home to cause a scene, harassment calls, the list goes on. AN EYE <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> FOR AN EYE <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> … H and I agreed to NC with OW/OC. I’m hoping this will be easy for all of us.

The best way to protect yourselves is legally. You really need to call an Divorce attorney in your state and bring in a bunch of questions for him/her. Really hash it out.

Look, many of you have oc's that are on their way, newborns, babies, toddlers. This is not going to end tomorrow. The whole saga will be in your life for years and years. The only way to protect yourself and your assets is legally. In my case, we had an ow who thought she had hit the motherload as my husband and I are successfull. Truth be told, the cs she gets from us is more then she brings home in a month. She has made no move whatsoverto better herself at all.

She spent the first few years trying to become a member of the family, calling relatives, mailing out photos and info on the oc. She was desperate to get into the family. Then she was married and silent for a few years. Then she would come back and want this or that. We aren't stupid. She was trying to get it set up so that we paid her so much that she would never have to work. When oc was about 2 years old was when we decided to get real aggressive and start protecting ourselves legally. Child support is mandated by the law, there is no way to get out of it. So, we looked into it and made dang sure that she paid her fair share also. We made sure that we took every LEGAL means necessary to defer dollars. Yeah, it stunk at times having money in a retirement account, when we could have used it, but in the end we have a nice nest egg.

The oc has cs and better health benefits then OW and her husband and family, so I don't know what she expects. She wants to be taken care off I guess!!!

Anyway, the only and best advice I can give you is LEGAL LEGAL LEGAL. However, you don't have to sit back like a sitting duck, just waiting for the legal system to grab more of your hard earned money. Each state has such different rules, regulations and tax laws. You need to find an attorney and look into this stuff. Call your local accountant and find LEGAL ways to defer money. Then speak to a FAMILY LAW/DIVORCE laywer and get advice on if that is the way to go.

When my husband had increases coming, we always spoke with our attorney and asked what to do.

I know it seems like we are screwing the oc to some. But, the way I see it, we send much more money into his household then his mother has ever contributed, so I don't feel to bad. And since my own income is healthy, and my children benefit from my company, I don't feel one bit guilty either. I certainly do not see where oc should benefit from my hard work.

This is not a form you fill out, or a hidden secret. If you let the court system rule your cs, oc gets more then your own children. That is hardly fair now is it? Afterall, why should your children suffer right?

So, interview attorneys, see what is out there. BUT DO IT LEGALLY.

Merry Christmas.

Thank You! LynnG
I see so many BW out here that are devastated by a situation like this. They feel hopeless and feel as if they have no power in the situation. LynnG you give hope and a chance of happiness. Thank-you.

Ladies in this situation..I hope and pray you are listening to the advice of LynnG is giving. Don't be a victim. Empower yourself.

My story is a little different, because I got custody of the OW child. When I first found out I found myself A "barracuda of a lawyer" and then I proceeded to allow the OW to hang herself. I went through three different lawyers before I found the one I was looking for. Ask around...go to interviews... TELL them what you expect. I can't begin to tell you that it cost alot at the beginning but it literally saved my family for the years to come. I did file for a separation and put everything into my retirement and my business.

And don't forget, always document! document! document!

I know that the OW in my situation was crazy... she would show up at my childrens school..showed up at my H business...

She had the nerve to show up at my in-laws on Christmas morning...I can only tell you; she is a fruit cake. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I felt bad for my in-laws. We put a stop to the harrassment; my inlaws slapped a restraining order on her.

I wish you all the best of luck. And you can get your life back. Don't be afraid...Be Brave!