Say there has been NC with the other child since its birth. Both WH and BS agreed that NC was in the best interest of everybody. Currently both parties are working very hard to save the marriage. The affair was a HUGE mistake nothing but regrets in fact the thought of the other woman and his actions make him literally sick.

One day this man fears the other child will come looking for answers. The other woman has made it clear she will tell this child how to contact him. This child could be 8 or 18 when she comes looking for answers.

This man would have a very hard time rejecting the child or adult to its face or even on the phone.

Say after a number of years go by would you be okay with some casual contact with the other child? Of course the WS would see to it that the other woman was not involved with this. Hopefully by then she would have moved on with her life. In fact the WS would be more than happy to waive his parental rights if she found a man to adopt the child.

Let me know your thoughts.

Thank you

Tony

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 12:55 AM: Message edited by: Lovely ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Currently both parties are working very hard to save the marriage. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If this is the case, then absolute (radical) honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement are the two areas that the couple should be working on. If no contact has been the "enthusiastic" decision, then that's what it should be. Any violation of that should be immediately disseminated to the wife. If the OW has threatened with revealing the father to the OC, then eventually the couple should discuss this and formulate a plan on how to handle it.

These decisions are not set in stone (contact, no contact). What DOES need to happen is that any changes in the decision(s) need to be made through the POJA, so that the couple enthusiastically agrees that this direction is the way to go. When you do that, you build love. When you lie and hide things from your spouse, you tear love down.

Tony, you sound like someone I know. Anyway....there is no gaurntee that the child won't call down the road or show up. Even adoptive kids seek there parents out. Not most will agree that oc has the right to an identity. In some cases, the w is the wondering one and having a husband is who they choose to be that father. I think the child has the right to know the bio-father. Not to say if the ow found someone down the road and they decided to raise that child and possibly even adopt the child to the man that would be fine, but the child in my thinking should know who his/her bio-father is. If you choose no contact that is fine for you and your family. AS I'm sure you read everyone has different thoughts here. What is important is that if there is contact all the adults act like the adults and they all keep there place in the situation. It's not a game rasing a child, nor is a child a ploy to get someone or hurt someone. There is already hurt feelings in this. Also, I think how the ow handles the nc with the bio-father regarding letting the child know is important. This child is innocent and although she may hate his guts for abondanment you don't want to bring that on to the child. Kids are sensitive and need to feel good about themselves. Just my thoughts.

tony,,,,,, i don't have the answers but my suggestion would be to form a plan with your h in case of oc seeks him out down the road.

maybe some simple explanation to oc from your h like he made a tremendous mistake when he had his A with oc's mom. then go on to say that the best thing or him to do in order to rebuild his marriage was to go on with nc with the child. explaining that to rebuild the marriage with the oc's mother involved no matter how miniscule the contact would have been almost impossible for you (his w) because of all the pain that an A causes.

the explanation doesn't have to be condeming of oc and it doesn't have to be a reconciliation either. just an explanation that your h did the best he could with the circumstances he created.

<small>[ December 21, 2003, 07:15 PM: Message edited by: twilight ]</small>

Tony, sorry, you are wrong on assumptions. My H did hang up on 19 yr. old OC, when OC called my H.

This upset me, as I would have accepted contact. Also, I felt compassion for the rejection OC had to have felt.

K is correct. Absolute(radical)honesty and POJA worked for our marriage. We have NC. I support my H's wishes.

ember

PS. If anyone wants me to list the reasons H pointed out, for NC, and convinced me to agree, I would love to share.

ember

Tony,

As "K" previously posted, the MOST important issue here is HONESTY (RH) with the BS, and a joint decision (POJA) between the H & W as to an acceptable response to the contact.

What exactly are your fears regarding a possible future contact with the child? Are you afraid you aren't going to be able to explain your reasons for no contact? Fearful of your spouses reaction to the contact? Or afraid it may be an attempt by the OW to reestablish a connection? All perfectly understandable concerns.

Can you discuss this with your spouse? How long have you been rebuilding your marriage and are you in counseling?

I can't imagine being a MM with OC having to make a decision on how to deal with the situation.

We all know the extreme pain of the BW, and even the OW in this situation.

I'm trying to picture the feeling of "panic" that must be inside the MM as he discovers that he is having a child by somebody other than his wife.

BUT, that being said, it is HIS child. HIS CHILD!!! There are responsibilities here. Financial, OF COURSE!!! When the dust settles after d-day, and the married couple begin to understand that there is another innocent person in the former triangle (now a cube???).

As horribly difficult as that must be (and I don't have first-hand experience in this) I imagine that it is absolutely necessary for the married couple to come to absolute terms on how they are going to deal with this situation that the MM/OW created.

Getting everything done legally, and quickly, is the first step that should be taken. The OC needs food, diapers, medicine, and no matter how painful it is for the married couple, it is absolutely necessary. But to me, that is a no-brainer, of course this must be taken care of.

However, quickly after that, there should be some sort of concensus on how they are going to deal with contact vs no contact with the father/child. ALL adults in the situation need to put aside their jealousies (even though warranted). And it has to be absolute...."yes, I will see the child on a consistent basis" or "no, I want no contact".

But as this poster recognizes...even though they have decided that "no contact" is the route they want, they are not the only two people in this "cube". But, the two most important people, in terms of this particular situation in discussion, is the father/child. And "either" one of them may attempt contact at some future time. The father may change his mind (selfish), or the child may be seeking his/her roots (understandably).

It is for that reason that I think that the bio-father should not be a no-contact man. Contact must be made in a way that is not threatening to the marriage relationship (i.e. OW is not seen by the BW if that is what she needs)...but the contact should be there.

I feel for all the players in this type of mess. The answers are not easy. But, there is a child here, an innocent child. That child's needs (financial AND emotional) need to come before any of the needs of the adults.

It's painful just thinking about it. I'm just pleased that as far as I know, there is no OC from my h's affairs. I'd have to take my own advice.

Tony, why do you not want contact with your own child? Why does this child not deserve your love and attention?

First of all you are a cheater. And now you are advocating abandoning your own child. You sound like a great person.

I am wondering if it is really you who doesn't want contact, or whether you are being pressured by other people. The child has done nothing wrong.

If you can give love to this child, and you can financially contribute to support this child, then what sort of reason is OK to dismiss the child? I gather you are aware that sex can result in pregnancy, so you were willing to take that risk outside of your marriage but now you want to brush your hands off and walk away. It's not like returning a dress you know, we're talking about a real live human being who will one day carry feelings of worthlessness about him/herself because of the predicament you helped place him/her in. YOU are responsible to this child.

Divorced parents (myself included) manage to foster love and attention on their children while having minimal/nil contact with the other parent. It is possible.

Edited to add the following questions:-

Did you always state to the OW that you NEVER wanted this child, or did you look forward to it and make promises to OW that you later renegged on?

You were more than willing to place your wife in this unenviable position to start with - by having an affair behind her back and by having sex with somebody other than your wife - so I'm interested in how you now correlate that to walking away from your child now. You seem to have a history of walking away from problems. A real man faces his problems and owns them.

If your marriage is about to crumble because you are considering being there for your child, well that is YOUR fault alone and part of the consequences of your choices. But it seems that you are hoping OW and OC will just shut up and fade away to make your life easier. Welcome to your life and your mess - would you like to lend a mop?

<small>[ December 21, 2003, 06:16 AM: Message edited by: Still Trying ]</small>

This child could be 8 or 18 when she comes looking for answers.

"Answers" is not the same as "relationship". If a child seeks answers, it is usually meant to satisfy some dangling threads of curiosity about the missing bio parent, not to find "daddy".


Say after a number of years go by would you be okay with some casual contact with the other child?

By "casual contact" meaning answering questions? This should come after the OC is of legal age. No minor child deserves "casual contact" with a parent. You're either in or out as a parent while the child is growing up.

If a grown child seeks contact, then it is often for filling-in-the-blanks purposes, but sometimes a real friendship can develop. But parenting is hands on, that's for sure.

My sister had a desire to find her bio-dad, even tho our Dad was the man she loved. She met her bio-dad one time for lunch. They talked, cried, traded stories, and they never saw each other again. There was no relationship beyond their one meeting. There was no THERE there.

Pep

<small>[ December 21, 2003, 11:12 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

***You seem to have a history of walking away from problems. A real man faces his problems and owns them***

Still trying,
I'm not about to get into the contact no contact argument but I think you need to reconsider your statement above.
OW willingly and knowingly enter into a relationship with a man that they are 100% aware that he is running away from his problems. Why the he!l else would he be involved in an affair ?! But because of the love, lust or whatever it is they are feeling it is not only OK, but completely justifiable because his wife must not be meeting his needs. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
Then BOOM, all of a sudden OW is not meeting the needs he placed on her because now instead of a fantasy relationship it is real, there is a child involved and the fantasy flies out the window.
Then all of a sudden this SAME man is a piece of [censored], just because he is doing the same thing to OW that he did to his wife.
So before a OW starts telling a man he needs to
face his problems and own them I think she better stop and ask herself why he didn't need to do that BEFORE she became involved with him. Makes HER sound a little hypocritical, don't you think?

<small>[ December 21, 2003, 01:19 PM: Message edited by: Jtigger ]</small>

Gee Tony, don't you wonder <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> how a couple of these angry women seem to know your situation so well? Could it be your ex-floozie and her friends from the ho board <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ? I for one can smell the desperation and petty anger just oozing from their posts.
Hey ladies...er...females. Tony is requesting opinions from BS's, not floozies who wish they were wives with an opinion that matters to him.

<small>[ December 21, 2003, 07:16 PM: Message edited by: twilight ]</small>

I for ONE... Would like to hear Tony side of the story. I don't beleive for one moment that twilight is leveling with us here. This man has the right to come on without people jumping on his back.

Tony, I would like to know your side. I am sure that the OW is NOT so innocent here. I believe just by following her story for a long time. She is very manipulative.

I think she didn't get her way; she got mad. Now she's making you out as the evil one.
Well, I for ONE am going to speak up...she was advocating this particuliar man..to move from his country and abandon the two children he made with his wife. That seemed to be ok with Twilight.

Please other readers, there is TWO sides to every story. Lets listen to Tony side?

First thing - I'm a BW without an OC in my situation. I believe the thread was a question to betrayed wives.

Why doesn't Tony come back to respond to his own thread which he started? Could it be that he's following his pattern of not wanting to face the truth about things?

I, for one, would be interested to hear what Tony has to say about finding out about the pregnancy, and what he said to OW throughout, a time after which it was too late for her to have any option except to birth the child. Don't even mention adoption unless you've personally done it yourself. There are lots of babies born in less-than-ideal circumstances who are loved and cared for by both parents.

When Tony went outside of his marriage, he consented on behalf of his wife and children (if he has any other children) to consider the possibility of a child. It's a risk we all take when we have sex at any time.

Anyone would think that the OW is not taking any responsibility at all. Anybody who has had a baby knows what utter rubbish that is.

I'd be interested in hearing how much Tony has paid so far in supporting his child. If it's nothing so far, who has been responsible up until this point?

That child deserves to have the best of what BOTH of it's parents can provide.

And as for OW knowing she was getting involved with somebody who was a liar or not able to face problems, well we can say the exact same thing for BS's after dday. We know we are married to a liar and somebody who thieves important things from us like trust, respect, and honor - yet we choose to stay. I don't see any difference except one knew beforehand and one knows afterwards. The character of the betrayer is STILL the same. An OW can make a choice before getting involved, a BW can make a choice after finding out. If acceptance of an OC is not possible, the wife has options and should blame the ONLY person who was happy to risk her lifestyle and financial position.

The simple fact is, if he'd kept it zipped in his pants like he promised to, nobody would be in this situation.

The baby is here. Let's deal with that.

Hi, everyone
I am new to the board. My husband had an affair two years before we were married. As a result of that affair he has a daughter almost 2 year old. Eventhough I am hurt that this oc was born. I could not think to tell my husband not to have contact with the child. when I first found out about the child i was angry and said that I never wanted this oc to enter my life, but as time went on i changed my mind. The ow let the child come around after she discovered we were married. and then stated she was relocating because she felt her child was in danger being around me because i was biiter she had a girl and my husband and i have 2 sons and i had a tubal and we can not have anymore children. Eventhough all of this i still incourage my husband to try to have some type of relationship with this daughter, but in our case the ow is making things very difficult. she won't answer the door on visitation days. she has told the courts she has gooten married and relocated 1,000 miles away, but she lives less then a mile from our home and we see her on a weekly basis. I beleive the child and the father deserves a chance at a normal relationship, but sometimes when the ow don't get what they were after they tend to make things very difficult.

Tony time does heal all wounds. But work on your M first that is the most important.

<small>[ December 21, 2003, 07:17 PM: Message edited by: twilight ]</small>