Jenny...ever been abandonned by a parent? As posters here love to say...if you haven't experienced the situation then you have no business telling someone who has if it is ideal or not.

Twilight,

I have been abandoned by my father. He was rarely in my life.

My ex-husband abandoned my two older children since they were 18 months and 3 months old and then decided to "play daddy" just about two years ago. I cannot begin to describe the emotional turmoil that my ex-husband has brought on my two older girls from their conflict of loyalty (their thoughts, we've tried to help them adjust) to the games that their bio-dad has played with them...and the upset it caused our household.

My thoughts?

In regard to my father, he should have stayed gone, not pop in and out of my life, leading me on to false hope and always putting me on the back burner. I think I would have felt better had he just stayed out of my life instead of playing games.

In regards to my ex-husband, he should have stayed out of the girls lives if he's been out for almost 8 to nine years already. My Husband now, Mr."T" wanted to adopt the girls, and we had that small window of opportunity until this crap with ex-ow and my H happened and then my ex-Husband decided to be spiteful and renege on the adoption part. Mr."T" was the only dad that my two older kids from my first marriage knew.

To sum it up...I'd rather have not known my dad and moved on, instead of hoping etc.

and for my children's sake, I would have liked to see my ex-H (who screwed us in the CS department---another thread in itself) stay gracefully out of the girls lives since he seems to decide not to be a team player and try to be adult about it all.

It's a mess all around and one I've personally experienced. I say NO CONTACT. unless done so from the beginning and legally. You can't just pop in and out of someone's life or years later.

IN regards to my H's OC? If she comes looking for us in the future, we plan to sit down with her and tell her the truth. From there, we will have to see. It all depends on what poison the ex-ow (who is a psycho nut in our case) fed into the poor little gal's mind.

Twiisty

Amen Twiisty, and Happy Holidays!

OKAY...the voice of experience..I was "abandoned" as a baby, before I was even born.....My mom was not an OW but a teenage mom. BUT by this sperm donor "abandoning" me, my mother was able to rebuild her teenage life, as much as she could, find REAL TRUE LOVE with my father, that she probably would have never found had I NOT been "abandoned", and build an intact, loving home and family w/ my FATHER!

It's how you take it! I'm glad my father is who he is and that my sperm donor, for whatever his reasons, was only my sperm donor!

The sperm donor really abandoned and rejected my mom, I was a baby, he never really knew me so I don't take it personally. (yes, there was a brief time during my immature, self-centered, teenage years that I had dreams of the grass being greener on the other side but that was short lived as I GREW UP & MATURED!) He knew my mother and didn't CHOOSE her, she was hurt by it, but I know she has no regrets for how it all played out, I had/have a real DADDY!

Tony, if you make the decision (no matter what it is) that is BEST for you and your family, all things considered, you CAN look yourself in the mirror everyday and you CAN live with yourself and your lovely family!

You do what you can and have to to save your marriage and family. You already made the biggest mistake of your life don't add to it, you almost lost your wife/family once....listen to your heart and your wife and live your life.

So this child finds you one day and has questions....1)the child will already have heard mom's side of the story so loyalty will be there (where it should since she did all the raising) so it won't really matter what you say. and 2) tell the truth. you had sex w/ OC mother outside of your marriage, it was wrong so you chose to correct it and stay w/ your wife, as you should. You rejected the child's mother and that happened to include the child, nothing personal having to do w/ OC, it was between you, OW and W. As a result of your selfishness, every one was hurt and you are sorry for their pain.

Why is the TRUTH so hard for some of you people to get or understand?

There are no easy or black & white answers. This is reality NOT the Brady Bunch!!!!!!!

Tony

Don't even feel guilty about the "NC" issue. In most cases its seems to work best. You are NOT abondoning this child. It sounds like you are leaving her in good hands and you are supporting this child. Many women give up their children for adoption; I am sure that they are able to move on and look themselves in the mirror everyday.

And this Bull Sh*t, some would like you to believe... that you will have a difficult time looking yourself in the mirror...is a TOTAL Crock! Thats just ploy that the OW would like to tell you. Its way to control you and make you feel guilty. Don't fall for it. She is just as much to blame for it. They use the child to control you. Punishing you for not leaving the Wife.

This situation is never going to be idea...but you have to look at everyone that is involved. Your Wife and your family. Your loyalities lie first with them.

I have custody of our little guy (OC) only because the OW in our situation was trying to bully us... nothing was ever good enough. She wanted to call all the shots but I would not allow it. I hope you have good lawyer and allow him to handle this. LynnG is right on the mark.
If you are having nightmares about the OC showing up at your door step years later; the simple truth is all you owe her.

I am curious Tony; when you found out she was pregnant what was your reaction? Was this "a plan pregnancy?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wiz:
I am curious Tony; when you found out she was pregnant what was your reaction? Was this "a plan pregnancy?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I thought my life was over and no it was not a planned pregnancy on my part.

Tony are you saying it was planned on her part?

Tony
Thank you for sharing your story. And needtomoveon; I don't think he was referring to the OW planning this either. He's only stated that this wasn't planned on his part. I believe he's only speaking from his side.

Tony; was this a long term relationship? My H's affair only lasted a few months. Like you; he thought his life was over too and in our case the OW planned to get pregnant. Well, Tony...your life isn't over. This isn't going to be easy but you can rebuild and live long; happy life.