If there are BS (preferably the W)here who are actually having C w/ the OC, I want to know how it really is working out. I would think you obviously have to have C w/ OW too (we do).

How did you and H come to this decision?

How do you deal w/ the necessary C w/ OW?

Who "does" most of the C w/ OW(H or BS)?

How does OW handle this?

How old was OC when C started?

How does OC fair in going back and forth?

What kind of "issues" have you had to deal w/ to make this "work"?

How do you even deal with "issues" or problems that arise w/ OC or OW?

How often do you have C w/ OC?

Do you have BC?

How do they feel/react to the situation and OC?

Do you, as BS, struggle with any particulars?

How do YOU handle it?

What does OC call you?

I don't think I will get many replys because I think most of the C on here is from BS who are male, but I'd like to hear from BS who are the wife, specefically, but all comments are welcome. Thank you.

<small>[ December 29, 2003, 10:46 AM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

kt,
You are problaby right, you may not receive many reponses... but there are a few of us BWs that do have contact...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How did you and H come to this decision?
We came to the agreement because H wanted contact… I didn’t at first, but when I found out OW’s history of abuse and domestic violence towards her other child… I couldn’t turn my back on Lil Bit.

How do you deal w/ the necessary C w/ OW?
It’s not my favorite thing… but I feel I have to deal with her because of Lil Bit. It’s in Lil Bit’s best interest that I deal with her myself.

Who "does" most of the C w/ OW(H or BS)?
I am actually the main contact with OW. She finds it easier to deal with me. I guess because I have a more level head, then either her or my H.
Now that we have custody, its much less than it used to be.

How does OW handle this?
She seems to handle it well… UNTIL she sees H, alone. When she brought Lil Bit home on Christmas day, I had H go out to meet her. I watched from inside the house. She was definitely trying to give him the “I’m still interested” signal… but he ignored her. It was a test… she failed. Maybe a silly one... but I felt it necessary.

How old was OC when C started?
5 wks old.

How does OC fair in going back and forth?
She seems to do fine. She does better now that there is a CENTRAL home.

What kind of "issues" have you had to deal w/ to make this "work"?
OW’s thinking that she still has a shot with H… She had a friend of hers, I call her WANNABE, call me and tell me that she was in love with H and H with her… took me 3 days to trace the whole mess back to OW. OW thought I was pregnant at the time and put Wannabe up to this so I would miscarry.
Her son feeling left out and asking to stay with us…

How do you even deal with "issues" or problems that arise w/ OC or OW?
My taking the lead in the contact, becoming the MAIN contact, has solved much of the problems.
As for her son wanting to stay, I/we offered to let him stay with us. She has kept him away from since the last time he asked.

How often do you have C w/ OC?
Now we have custody. OW gets her every other weekend and every other week in the summer months.
Until we got Primary custody, we had Joint Custody. The time was split nearly down the middle. 49% for OW and 51% for us, each week.

Do you have BC?
H has a son from a previous marriage. He is now 19.
We now have a son together. He is almost 3 months old.

How do they feel/react to the situation and OC?
SS was very angry at H for even being involved with OW. He hated her and still does. As far as Lil Bit, he barely sees her, as he is too involved in his own life.
When Baby Mac was born, his reaction was “There goes my inheritance. First Lil Bit and now Mac!” Way too self centered.
Marcus only sees Lil Bit as his sister, and he loves her dearly. You can already tell.

Do you, as BS, struggle with any particulars?
My main struggle is the pain still rears its head at times. I love Lil Bit very much, but at times the circumstances surrounding her entrance into this world are painful to remember.

How do YOU handle it?
By knowing that H and Lil Bit love me very much.
I love them both. I had been a stepmother for nearly 8 yrs before she came along. And dealing with H’s xW was a good training for dealing with OW… but dealing with the residual pain of the A is totally separate.

What does OC call you?
Lil Bit calls me Mommy. She has from the moment she began to speak. She now calls OW by the nickname that everyone in OW’s “world” calls her. We didn’t encourage it, in fact I still refer to OW as Momma when she comes to pick Lil Bit up… but Lil Bit insists on calling her by her nickname. She used to call her Momma OW, but now its just OW…
Lil Bit rarely speaks of things from OW’s side, other than her brother Will.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Thank you very much for replying. I really appreciate it. I don't think I will get much, if any more responses.

We have C w/ OC but......we will see how it goes.

I'd say we have a 40/60 split w/ joint physical and legal custody, which I think is a lot, comparatively.

I wanted to see how our "ralationship" stacked up and what "seemed" normal. I do most of the "dealing w/" myself too. I am more comfortable w/ it but wasn't sure if it was the right thing or not. OW sees it as my H not putting in effort.....lol...I don't care, neither does he....his effort is strictly towards OC and wants nothing to do with OW ever. So that leaves me to deal with the "details" for OC.

Thank you very much for sharing, I REALLY appreciate it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well I think you're both amazing people.

kt,
Our original custody arrangement was from 7pm on Wednesdays until 9am on Sundays. In keeping all documentation I kept up with the total amount of hours that we had Lil Bit and total amount of hours OW had her.
During last winter OW was afraid of the weather conditions, snow and such… but last year was extremely mild! Because of her weather worries, we agreed to switch the Sunday Exchange time to noon.
Our total time had begun to rise even before that change… OW needed a sitter for while she worked… So, during the 3 days of her Parenting time that she worked (Mon-Wed) we became the Daycare provider. I was laid off during that time frame, so that meant I spent the bulk of the time with Lil Bit.
Of course OW offered no money. She had it made. No Daycare costs and tons of FREE time. She had somewhere she could just leave Lil Bit.

After she quit her job, she then dropped back to the original times, except for the Sunday Exchange. Then gradually it increased again, excuses on top of excuses for why she couldn’t take Lil Bit for her parenting time. Then this summer she left her with us from July 23rd through Oct 12th, only seeing Lil Bit for 6 hours during that entire time.

Documentation of everything is what helped us show OW’s patterns. We were able to file pro se (without an attorney) to modify custody and OW actually agreed to the custody change. I truly believe that OW doesn’t care about Lil Bit. I believe once the child support is levied against her she will look for a way out.

ST,
Thank you. I must say that there are many women on this board that I admire. Even without contact. Contact is a difficult thing. Sometimes the OW makes it impossible and it takes a strong couple to decide on No Contact. It’s a difficult decision to make.

In our case, with a psycho OW, we HAD to have contact. Someone had to take care of Lil Bit. She needed someone to be there for her… H made it clear that he wanted to be involved with Lil Bit and I agreed only after finding out about OW’s history.
I am sure that had OW been a “stable” person and had H still insisted on C, then I may not be here today. I would have felt no urgent need to be in the child’s life. She wouldn’t have been in such a horrible situation.
Had H tried to force me into C, in those circumstances, I am sure I would have left the marriage.
So, as you see, it’s ALL the circumstances that shape the outcome. And ours is no exception.

I wished and sometimes still do that OW was a real psycho (not just acting like one lol) or drug addict just so we could have OC full time. H and I know that would not be best for OC but would be easier for everyone if OC could be in 1 home predominantly.

While OW has majority of custodial time, we probably spend more time w/ OC because OW working hours. OC has to go right into daycare after school w/ OW but we p/u right from school and come home. It's what OW has to do I know (but she only works part time, anohter sore spot for me), I wish it were different or OW could see us as more of a "help" then a "hinderance" to her life.

We are blessed to even have OC as much as we do, I know, because we met OC (OW choice for initial NC then C)when OC was 4 1/2 and OC is now almost 6 (next month). OW wanted us to not spend as much time w/ OC. OW only thinks about how it impacts OW life. If it "works for her" and that is where the frustration comes in.

I actually invited this woman into my home a few times to facilitate "visits". I regret that. Who does that? She wanted to "see" how we were, how we lived, how we acted w/ our kids. It was a load of bu!!s..... I think because my H is OC father, it doesn't matter, it's too late for OW to try and give "approval" now! OW still maintains attitude that she prefers OC in daycare then w/ us. It's crazy.

But with the agreement we now have set in place..it should be better. OW is still who she is and her personality is quite disagreeable to us, in another life this is someone I (and my H since he can now see who she really is) would NEVER have had a friendship with. Currently, we do not have to see OW at all excluding holiday times. ALl p/u & drop offs are @ OC school. IT's a lot of driving back and forth for us but it's worth the pay off of not seeing her and being "triggered".

We've gone to numerous mediators and couselors. They all say the same things we do but I guess since it's NOT from us then she listens to it.

I regret us getting involved @ all but here we are so we are doing the best we can w/ what we have. We still have some major/minor issues but we have a few months to work on those. OW is just so different and a bit wacky in her opinions and views, even parenting style, but oh well.

That is really great of you to take on that responsibility, of a baby, they are so demanding of themselves as it is. I think in some ways it may have been easier (if there ever is an easier side)to be there from the start and to have baby so much to really have that bonding and relationship.

this is in reply to ktbunch
Well I love my husband, but only agreed to contact with the oc because i know that was what he wanted. well, the ow has made visitation a terible event. my ow does want oc around me because she thinks I will hurt the child to get to her, so on weekend visit days the child is either sick or getting a spinal tapp. my husband has decided for the second time to revisit c then the ow told the courts she move 1,000 miles away and h did not see child for 8 months. then ow decides to file for child support after seeing me in the store and then h decides he wants to revisit c. i wish he would leave well enough alone because I don't know how much of this i can take. on and off again thing. I wish that we could take sometime to work on our family, but he is so consumed with the oc because it is a girl and we have six boys.

Hello KT, this is my first time ever on any forum. I am here to help my healing process by finding out I am not alone.(I do see that I am one of so many)Let me get to your questions.

How did you and H come to this decision?
It was never even a question. As soon as we heard about H 15yo OC we knew we had to meet her. It was not her fault, she did not ask to be born into this situation.

How do you deal w/ the necessary C w/ OW?
I do not feel threatened by her but I hate the fact that she is in my life at all. I knew about the OW 16 yrs ago and forgave H and never thought I would hear OW name again.

Who "does" most of the C w/ OW(H or BS)?
I never have C unless I happen to answer the phone when OW calls, then I give the phone away.

How does OW handle this?
We are polite to one another but because I do not talk with her we have no problems.

How old was OC when C started?
almost 15

How does OC fair in going back and forth?
She enjoys being here but was raised in a different environment. H and I have changed our livestyle but OW remains same. H picks her up on weekends.

What kind of "issues" have you had to deal w/ to make this "work"?
Our BC is only 6 wks younger than OC, so we have delt with lots of talk and whispers.

How do you even deal with "issues" or problems that arise w/ OC or OW?
I do not deal with them H does. I prefer to be on sidelines.

How often do you have C w/ OC?
We see OC as much as possible. OC was here entire school break and hopefully will move here in summer. I also e-mail OC at least several times a week so OC will know I care and this way I have no C w/ OW

Do you have BC? 4--- 15,10,1 and 7wk

How do they feel/react to the situation and OC?
15- accepting, understands God does things with a purpose even if it sometimes hurts.
10- OK with the situation, looks forward to visits

Do you, as BS, struggle with any particulars?
Sometimes my heart aches terribly. I forgave H so long ago and now the pain has resurfaced. I love him but hate the situation. I just tell myself OC needs us so we have to do whats right for OC not what is easy for us.

How do YOU handle it?
Sometimes with tears but always with strength from above. My H is also very understanding to my feelings until now H is the only one I talk to about my feelings. That is why I found this site so I can be as open as I want.

What does OC call you?
by my name, but of course OC is not a small child