My H has not ever confessed anything w/out being caught first. The other day something else/new was revealed. (because someone else found out and confronted him) In a marriage w/o our history it would have been minor but w/our history it's major. The incident itself was not a big deal but more the fact that he purposely chose to hide it from me!

I just don't know what to think. He swears that he will do whatever it takes to earn back my trust, love and respect....that he's so sorry...for everything and that "it" was just something "dumb".

I don't know who he is! How many times must we go over/through these same dumb trust issues? I don't want to have to be his warden. Why can't he make good decisions on his own? And then come to me when he's messed up BEFORE getting "caught"?

I feel like a total idiot. Like he is never going to change and I better just realize that and get out now or I choose to live w/ this dishonest man. What else is there that I won't ever know unless someone else does first?

I love him and I have been praising him for all the effort he has been putting into rebuilding our marriage & relationship and then....this stupid stunt!!!! What else can I do? I don't want to force him to be what I want. That would never last anyway. I want him to choose to be a better person on his own. He says he will/is. Should I believe him?

The other day I thought I had just had enough and told him he had to move out. I told him I wanted to stay married but we needed to separate so HE could decide for himself what kind of relationship he wants to have w/me & the "kids" w/out pressure from me. If he wanted to see them, then he would choose that for himself, ect. I told him I was/am just tired of cleaning up after everyone elses messes and mistakes and dealing w/ everything, trying to make sure everyone else is "ok" and taken care of.
(re: BC & OC & H) Why do I have to be the one to have all the "talks" w/ everyone.....I didn't do/create any of this so why am I doing it all. I feel like I've made everything too easy for him. He gets to enjoy his life while I'm accepting and fixing it all for him. That is just how I was feeling.

I was just so upset and at my wits end. He immediately acted like I suspected he would.....defensive and angry. (this conversation was happening while he was at work, over the phone) Then he hung up on me, I didn't realize it or else I would have gotten REALLY MAD!(I thought baby hung up phone)

Later we talked again and he was more level headed and calm and made all his promises and said how much he wants all of these things (relationships w/ kids, me, "us") and how he can't do it alone and doesn't want to, how he needs me to help him and needs me, wants me, loves me. Crisis diverted.....

Am I just stupid? What am I to think? Am I supposed to just wait until "next time"? How do I know there are not more secrets? How do I know there are not more lies lurking around the next corner? And why does he want/need me so bad if he can't be honest & upfront w/ me? I feel like we are living in some state of denial.

Now it seems like we are in this "mode". He comes home and does all this "stuff" (helping out around the house) and I just want to relax or he can do it and I'm waiting for him to lose it and get upset that he's doing it all alone but I know he won't get mad because he's trying to "prove" something. Like I can be the jerk for awhile because.....because....I don't know, because I know he won't get upset @ me for anything right now. This is not what I want.

I just want my "life" back. I feel like all my hopes and dreams for my life are gone now. I have to "settle" for what I have or what? be a single mom w/ 3 kids?

I love my H and I just don't understand his actions. It's like we just keep taking turns checking in & out of our marriage. I don't want a divorce, I want my H.

I just feel like things are just "not right" and I'm afraid and insecure that another bomb is about to drop. I don't like this feeling. His actions make me feel so insecure and edgy. One minute we are fine and the next? What is the deal? If it was just something that was "no big deal" and just "dumb" why is he hiding it?

It sounds so obvious doesn't it? He sounds so sincere, I want to believe him. I think I feel like I don't believe him at all but what am I really going to do about it? I think he knows that, at least he should by now with all these things I put up with finding out about.

I don't think there is an answer but I just needed to get this out of my system I guess. I hope you don't mind.

Maybe I will talk to him tonight after work and see if we can come up with some kind of solutions together instead of me just giving him this "list" (that he asked for) of things to do to convince me he is sincere.

I don't want to go through another year like this. I want this year to really be different for us. I feel like such a FAKE!!!

It seems like me just talking is a LB in itself, for him!

I feel like I'm just being "weak". I don't know what to do or think.

<small>[ January 01, 2004, 07:17 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

ktbunch,
The one thing that stood out to me was that "not right" feeling you have.

When I still felt that way, things were not right. H pretty much acted as yours, but that was a couple of years ago.

When finding out "new" information, I was advised by someone here to explain that if it's no big deal, H must tell you about it because after all of this time, it's silly to lie over something so small. It's the LYING that makes us fearful. We often wonder what else could he be lying about? It sets us back to d-day sometimes and makes us feel all of our trying just isn't working.

A session with the Harleys would give you great ways to communicate with your H if he's willing. If not a session for yourself will do a great deal in helping you "talk" to your H.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't ow want visits to stop? Have you and H discussed that? I think you two need to work on fine tuning your marriage and helping your children get emotionally healthy first.

Is that a problem for your H now? I've read how visits upset you and your C's. How you are having depression. You can't go on pleasing your H at the risk of your own sanity, kt.

Take it one issue at a time. By eliminating visits, you can begin to counsel and clear the air with your H without having outside interference for now. That may or may not change in the future, but for now visits and lying are things that need addressed.

I'm pulling for you kt.

Prayers for peace in this upcoming new year.

love
Debi

Thanks for your concern and reply. I talked w/ H last night and he said he understands my position/POV. I asked him to think if I were his sister (the one he likes LOL) or a good friend and what advice he would give them. He said he would have told them to "dump that loser!", he might have just said that for my benefit. But anyway he said he understands and he PROMISES that he is going to do everything and anything so that I will no longer feel insecure and be able to trust him. He said that he realizes how stupid the lying was/is, even about stupid "little" things.

This incident had nothing to do w/ A, OW or OC. (which makes the lying even more senseless) OC is w/ OW for new years. We had OC for the first half of Christmas break and now back w/OW 'till school starts again and the normal routine/rotation. Things are calm in that area for now.

This encompasses more than the A but starts from there. I will just have to "see" if this lasts or what. How would I really know? I told him how I feel and how I feel there is "more". Only God knows and maybe now H is finally willing to submit fully to God's will and do some growing up and changing.

I will be hopeful for the New Year. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

PS: jftr: I don't think I have "depression" any more. I did in the past and if I recognize those "deep feelings" again then I would recognize it coming back (as I have before)but my little demons have been gone for awhile and I've come a long way since.

<small>[ January 02, 2004, 01:24 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>