When did you & husband/wife decide to sue for primary custody? How difficult was it to gain custody? How long did the process take? What did you have to "prove" in court (ie: What if OW isn't unfit?)? What lead you to try to obtain custody?

I don't think any of the Betrayed Spouse on this site have ever sued for custody except for one and in this case the OW is extremely unfit and practically handed the kid over on a platter.

What's your story? Why would you want custody and tear a child away from its mother if the mother is not unfit?

We need more information to give any advice worthwhile.

On the contrary, I'm the pregnant OW.

I've been hanging out at TOW website and everyone has me scared to death that they'll try to sue for custody.

I wouldn't think it can happen but I've been hearing horror stories. That's the last thing I want is to have my baby taken away from me because I'm raising it as a single parent (that would be my only fault).

I'm also curious as to what would make the husband and wife want to file for primary custody. I would think the child would be very hard for the wife to accept, much less want to raise. I can see if the mother is unfit, or if the child is endangered, but would a husband and wife try to file for primary custody just so they could raise the child without having to deal with the OW ever again?

The MM in my case wants to raise this baby, but with his wife, and without her knowing that it's his child out of an affair. In other words, wants me to hand it over in adoption, in which I refuse to do. I love this baby, I want to raise it and I've encouraged him to have a relationship with the baby when it arrives and throughout it's life. He thinks it should be raised in a two-parent household...and that would be ideal for any child, but it's not the case here and I'm not sure if that's grounds for a custody battle.

I have to wonder that if and when the wife finds out about it, he'll try to convince her to get full custody. If that's the case, what chance do they really have?

As a BS, the last thing the wife would want is to deal with YOU and OC, if her H wants to she might put up w/ C for OC sake.

I think it is very hard to take custody away from a mother and give it soley to the father.

They truth is, if you must know, YOU have all the power and choice. YOU can do what you want and the "father" will just have to accept it for the rest of his life no matter what he wants. I don't think he can even get joint custody unless you agree to it.

Although he may share "responsibility" for this child, he will have absolutely no say about HOW to be responsible for this child and will spend the entire child's life just "visiting" and paying a nice sum of his income based on his percentage of "visiting" he does with "his" child. You will spend the rest of the child's life "sharing" the child if this "father" chooses to be involved.

Hope your ready to spend only HALF of the child's weekends, all major holidays, birthdays and other special events with your child. Oh but you will get EVERY mother's day.

PS: filing of custody "just to be rid of you" would not work since you would still be allowed "visitation", more likely it would be to give this child a stable, intact, 2 parent home, something that you, currently, cannot give.

Sounds like MM is just thinking of what is "best" for the OC.

<small>[ January 11, 2004, 08:13 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

<< Sounds like MM is just thinking of what is "best" for the OC. >>

Yes, but in a twisted way as he does not want the wife to find out that this is his biological child...and would never tell the child that he's the biological father if he adopted either.

He wants his son, and he wants him to be raised in a household with a mother & father, but doesn't want to own up to having an affair in which resulted in my pregnancy.

I'm not giving him & his wife the baby and he knows this.

She doesn't even know the baby & I exist...and he plans to keep it that way.

ktbunch - I disagree with you. The OW most certainly does not have all the power. While the father in most cases will not be able to take the child away from its mother unless there is abuse, the courts look very favorable on joint custody and the wife will be involved whether the OW wants it or not. She may get CS, but the father will get joint legal custody and have a say in every major decision in that childs life - with the influence of his wife. And he will get visitation in his house - of course how much will depend on the judge - and the OW can't do anything about his wife being there again unless there is abuse. The wife will have influence over how that child is raised, whether OW likes it or not. When the child is in the fathers house, who is that child going to be with when the father is at work - his wife. The OW will get $, but she will lose a great deal of control over her childs life once the father's family is involved. Is is worth it to the OW - in some cases it is but in some cases I think it turns out to be as much of a nightmare for the OW as it does for the BS when things don't work out.

I don't fear a joint custody. If his wife is as great as he says she is, then I think it's great that our son will have a good role model while spending time at their home. My son deserves to know his dad, and that's what matters to me.

I just don't want them to try to gain full custody, in which I'd never see my child. This would crush me.

I think, if she could accept the affair & child, things could work out well...However, he's convinced she'll leave him once she finds out. If that's not the case, I just don't want them to gang up on me and try to take the child away. I think we can all be a part of the childs' life...if she can handle it...

There is no way they can take your child away so stop worrying. Just realize that she may be a great woman, but they are probably working on rebuilding their marriage. Putting an OC into that situation is not always healthy for the OC or for the marriage, at least in the beginning and maybe not ever. What he says now will probably change as time goes by, so just take care of yourself and don't worry about anyone taking your child away - and don't interfere in their marriage. Let the poor woman heal, and realize that he is making idle threats.

Thank you...

She doesn't know about the affair...or my pregnancy.

It's not my place to tell her and I won't interfere in their marriage, especially if he wants things to work out with her.

But, someday, the truth will come out. It's inevitable.

The truth will and should come out, but it should be from him. And the truth should come out to his wife - that is it! As far as anyone else in his family ever knowing - his kids, parents, sisters and brothers - that should be up to him and his wife because they are the ones who will have to live with that. Remember that his wife and children and innocent too, just like your child is. Do what is right for you and your child - he can do nothing to take that child from you. Please let him make the decision on how to tell his wife - it is a terrible thing to hear. It has been almost a year for me and you can read in my posts how angry and hurt I still am. My H sees that time as the biggest mistake in his life - he made no promises to her and she made none to him as she was married also. Although he feels an obligation to his child, he does not want to have anything to do with the OW and is trying very hard to save our marriage. Affairs destroy lives - everyones. We all suffer, and your child will too just as my family is. Go on with your life - I wish all the OW would realize that it is a mistake for all involved and trying to combine families sometimes causes more pain. I don't think biology makes a parent - raising a child everyday makes a mother or a father.

Yes, someday the truth does come out. I hope that you do let the MM tell the wife and not you. I can tell you from experience, since my H's ex-ow called me.

If there is any hope of your child's father's involvement in your child's life and with the wife as step-mother, let him tell his wife.

My H's ex-ow practically ruined contact for her own child for a variety of reasons and one of them was calling me and telling me herself instead of letting my H tell me.

However the wife finds out, it will be painful.
Twiisty

ots,,,,,,, i doubt that the mm can take your c away from you. it may be said that the father is equally responsible for the baby, but the way the courts see it today that means $$$ for his involvement. with $$$ he will get visitation rights.

why would he even want to get primary custody? $$$$$$$. it will save him money. in most states the more time he spends with the c the less he has to pay in cs.

how to keep him away? move on with your life and leave him alone. don't seek cs or press any issues like "he should be part of your c's life".

if you seek cs it will open the visitation door for him and allow him to press you on the custody issue.

love your baby and some day you will meet a nice guy where there are no ugly affair issues and he will accept you and your child.

do i agree with the advice i just gave you. NO. but it is what will work if you want to resolve your fears of loosing custody of your baby.

if you just disappear from his life right now he will never know where you are or get to know the baby.

don't file for cs and it will be his burden to find you and sue to prove he is the dad if the courts will even allow him to do that.

Why should I deny my child the dignity of having a father listed on the birth certificate? Why should I run? My home is here, my family is here, my support system is here, my friends are here, my career is here.
Why should I raise the child on my income alone whne he is just as much responsible for creating this child?

All to save his hide, save his family? I don't think so. He made his bed, he can lay in it. I didn't make this baby on my own.

Whether or not he wants to be a part of the child's life is his decision, and it will ultimately affect the child....I can't predict what he'll do as it's been his lifelong dream to have a child of his own. He was told he was infertile...maybe he'll decide to be involved, maybe he'll sweep the child under the rug....who knows...but it's not my place to deny him the opportunity to make a decision about his son.

And when my son grows up..."Why didn't I get to know my dad?"

"Because I took you and ran...to 'protect' you & him both"

I certainly don't think so.

This is NOT the right thing to do. Every child deserves to know their parents.

this is full house speaking, again i am too lazy to change to my login. you are opening a can of worms, you dont know what heartache you are asking for. you are single and able to raise a child on your own , especially since you have stated you have so much family and friends supporting you. your child will know about his bio father because you can tell him about him. but you may meet someone whom you will spend your life with and he will love your child as his own, without extra complications. i have been the stepmom to a wonderful son, but it was very hard on him being torn between two households and the anger his mother put on the situation, plus it was always so hard on me knowing another woman had pops first child. i do understand how that feels. i am now a ow, i would have loved to have raised my daughter without any involvement with oms family. think how its going to feel when your child leaves your home to stay in another, or your child calling another woman mommy and her raising and loving your child as its mom. you not being their to see how your child is treated,,, not being there if your child is crying or wants you. there is a lot of heartache of not being able to control whats going on in your childs life. i am lucky that my oms family is very loving and caring, but that doesnt stop your fears, concerns and normal mothering instincts. i have always had my children with me, it is so hard to let them go overnight (which i dealt with for the first time this weekend)never have i had one of my children away all night at this young age. no if your a good person they cant take your child away, and its also very hard for them to get equal custody unless you agree to it. my om tried. he ended up with joint legal custody with no stipulations, which means nothing. i dont have to consult him on any of my decisions, it just makes him feel like he won something, the only thing this does is lets him get our child medical help in an emergency with out having to contact me. i have primary physical custody and he has visitations. and the only holidays he gets is easter, thanksgiving , christmas eve and christmas (everyother) and of course fathers day. its a hard situation, but you learn to deal with it. if you have followed my posts or pops you know that it was only because of pops that i went for cs and visits. otherwise i would have never ever opened that door. i would have been happy to let him and his family sail off into the sunset and live their lives. as for single moms, my sister is raising a child on her own, (not from an a )and he has never met or known his father. he is well adjusted and she has just recently become engaged and this man treats her son as his. he is 9years old now. she does have all the info on his dad and through the years has answered any questions he has asked with honesty. really to me from the way you are posting and this is only my feeling, you are trying to hang on to this man, maybe in the back of your mind hoping someday his marriage will disolve and he will join you. dont keep your hopes up, even if this did happen, most a relationships fail too , once the mystery and excitement goes into a daily routine, most find out it wasnt really love, but a subsitute that was filling a need at the time, and these also crumble away. you just need to step back and really look at the choices you are about to make , this is for the rest of your life. dont make these decisions on feelings--seperate yourself and make them for your child and the long term to come.
good luck
full house

<small>[ January 12, 2004, 12:03 PM: Message edited by: pops ]</small>

On the sidelines

Dont panic, he is blowing smoke, he is in a bind and trying to figure out how to get out of it, He can not adopt your baby with out every one including the wife knowing where she came from. Just take care of you and go one, and when the time comes make a decision if you want support or what and go from there.


Do not let any one convince you of something just to save their own hide, He is only thinking of himself and frankly not doing a good job of it.

Pops/Fullhouse...
Twice now you've stated that "another man will come along to help raise the child."
First of all, I wouldn't spend my time "waiting" for some man to come along and take care of me or my child.
I have a ten year old son, and I've raised him on my own. He does know his father, he does get financial support from his father, but I've raised him.
No man has ever supported me, nor ever will. I have absolutely no interest in ever being married. I'm as independent as they come.
Whether or not I can do it on my own isn't the issue, the father has a moral and financial responsibility to this child he helped create.
Looking for "another man" to fill his shoes is absurd in my humble opinion.

OTS:

If you pursue child support, you bring the MM and his wife into this child's life. For better or worse. What some people are trying to warn you about is that IF you don't need the financial support, perhaps your child would be better off not involved with this "father".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whether or not I can do it on my own isn't the issue, the father has a moral and financial responsibility to this child he helped create.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you had followed your "moral responsiblities", this child wouldn't have ever been conceived. I'd suggest that you look at this situation as practically as possible, and weigh the benefits of having the MM and wife involved versus the potential risks. There is virtually no chance that the MM would be able to sue for primary custody---so I wouldn't worry there. But having someone involved with a child who would threaten it, as well as continue to deceive his wife---I'm not thinking he's a great role model here...

<small>[ January 12, 2004, 03:20 PM: Message edited by: K ]</small>

ots,,,,,,, first, i never said for you to run and hide just to save anyones hide. what i said was "move on with your life and leave him alone". as a simple answer to keeping him out of your life.

second, fh and i never said for you to seek another man to support you. what was said was "some day you will meet a nice guy where there are no ugly affair issues and he will accept you and your child." and "she has just recently become engaged and this man treats her son as his." meaning that your life may be blessed in that someday you MAY meet a man who LOVES both YOU and YOUR BABY. it has NOTHING to do with whether or not you are independent.

third, obviously you only read the parts you want to and pay no attention to all that i wrote. what i said was "do i agree with the advice i just gave you. NO."

what i think should happen is your om should pay child support thru the nose. that is the consequence of having sex outside his marriage. i could care less whether he was supposedly sterile or not. he still took the very real risk of exposing his wife to potentially DEADLY std's with a woman of obviously low moral fiber that she would consider having sex with a MARRIED man for any reason. the mear thought of any woman thinking that her love bush is capable of saving every poor MARRIED MAN that has an arguement with his wife is appalling.

then i think that your MARRIED MAN should not sue for primary custody but instead seek JOINT PHYSICAL and LEGAL CUSTODY. that would mean that YOUR precious baby would most likely spend almost 50% of it's time in MARRIED MAN"s house with HIS WIFE being your childs MOTHER.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

and if you areso independent then wh do you need your MARRIED MAN to pay you cs? is that just away of you proving your feminine power and independnce that you can control him?

this is full house speaking,
what is your problem with marriage, you just like going out and getting pregnant by married men, that is your independent moral goal in life. and i would like to know what you are doing on this site since it is for people who are married and working on rebuilding their marriages. doesnt look like your rebuilding anything, sounds like your more of a destroyer. we have all made mistakes and are all trying to do better with our lives. i am sorry but all i see is someone trying to start conflict, because the people who have written to you are only trying to help, but seems like all you want to do is tear them apart, you dont want answers, you dont have morals, sorry i am not getting sucked in any more by your fake plea for help, i think you know how to help yourself.

First off, I never said the man told me he was married, and that I went into the relationship KNOWING that information...thank you for jumping to assumptions and reaming me though.

Secondly, I don't have anything against the married wives. I'm not against marriage...it's just not for me *personally*. I'm here to find out what you are all going through to prepare myself for the future, and hopefully make things easy on the MM's wife when she does find out.

I'm trying to learn how to make the best of a tragic situation.

Thank you all for your kind welcome...I'll be sure to recommend this website to anyone needing information, support, and real life experiences...you're all gems.