I just found out 3 days ago that WS had an OW and produced a now 5 mo. old child. It ended a year ago, shortly after she got preg. My big concern here is our kids. Daugh. 7 and Son 4. Do we tell them now and let them know their 1/2 brother. Or do I become part of the lie and they find out many many moons from now. Whether our marriage continues is something we're working on.
Please help.

<small>[ January 15, 2004, 09:02 PM: Message edited by: Speakpp ]</small>

Your decision to tell them will be based on whether you and your H decide to have C (contact) with this OC.

We were not having C with OC so we did not tell our (then) 51/2 yo son. Years later we have C and then chose to tell our son, he was 9 1/2 by then and we had 2 more kids (toddler and baby). The entire situation was painful for him but he's starting to "accept" it now.

If you choose NC then I see no reason to not wait until they are adults. That is just my opinion. There is not much they could understand about it right now really anyway. I think they would be confused to hear they have a sibling that they do not see.

That is just MY opinion.

It would not mean you are part of the "lie". I think of it as a situation between you and your H. Your private business. If you need to confide in a girlfriend or family member to get support to help you through this then go ahead but you don't need to tell anyone you don't want to.

This is just my personal opinion is I would tell your child in an age appropriate manner. My kids have a 1/2 sibling that they have never met. But we have told them about their older 1/2 brother since they were young. At different times throughout the years they have asked questions about him and why they can't see him. I try not to give them too much information that they don't need to know...they don't need to know all the ugliness. But I do tell them when they ask if they will ever get to see him that I hope they do get to meet him someday. This 1/2 sibling is not an OC but the circumstances around the NC has a lot of parallels as if he was. Now dealing with my twins (OC) their 1/2 brother will learn about them...but it is still up in the air when his parents are going to tell him. My personal feelings are younger children deal with it better, they kind of go with the flow of their parents attitudes about it. Another thing to think about is sometimes kids are excited they have a brother or sister...even if it is 1/2 sibling. So they might blurt out that they have this sibling when you least expect them to so you might want to address that if you tell your son. It is a hard decision but I think one that is very personal. You will have to listen to everyone's opinions and make the best one for your family. There is no one decision that works for everyone.

Speak, 3 days is way too soon to involve the kids. If they sense you're upset (they probably do), you can say something like I'm sad/angry about a grown-up problem, but assure them you and H still love them and will care for them and they did nothing wrong. (Kids always think things are about them.)

"Keeping the secret" for me is called "protecting the kids".

Regulars must be tired of hearing it, but once again, our marriage counselor 5y ago told us not to tell kids under 12 unless we had visitation . In his opinion, telling young kids brings up fears of divorce, fears they or OC did something wrong, confusion about marriage/sex/where kids come from, etc. etc. In short, they need a stable, normal life.

He also described meeting with a couple who brought in their two teens to tell about a 8-9y old OC with whom they were no-contact. The father cried as he apologized for setting a bad example, for hurting the family, and for creating a child he could not raise. The teens understood that sex outside marriage was wrong, and here was one reason why!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> The counseling support made it smoother--it went really well.

BTW, this was a counselor on a military base who saw this quite a bit in his 30 years of counseling.

I hope you get a good marriage counselor, read all the MB principles on this website, download the LoveBusters and that other great quiz available for free here.... Fake it 'til you make it, and I hope your marriage makes it. If it doesn't, you can tell your kids as a part of the divorce, but I hope you give it time.

I hope you keep posting. It's great not to be alone when you feel like you're on the Jerry Springer show.
J

Work on the marriage first. Keep OC and OW away from your family and your marriage until you are healed. Find out what you both need and want and work it out from there. Why tell these children anything? They are so young that they wouldn't understand anything anyway.

Your feelings must be raw and you must have anger simmering out. Why bring your children into that right now? That will only be confused and upset the upheaval right now.

Deal with the marriage right now. What do you want? Do you want contact with the child? Does he? Does he and you don't? All of these issues need to be dealt with.

Take care.