T-girl, on the tell-the-kids-of-the-marriage issue, how did it go for you when your kids are spread out in age? I think you have told the adult one or two, but not the younger ones? Did the older one/s have feelings about not telling the younger ones?

I'm curious because my kids are so far apart in age... 10y from oldest to youngest. Though our counselor recommended telling in the teen years, ours will not all be teens at once.

Thanks,
J

Jenny, We really haven't told them. The oldest knows of the affair, he is 27 now, I told him by accident when he was 21, he hasn't dealt with it I don't think The others haven't been told.
My H didn't want to tell them when they were younger and as they have grown we didn't want to tell them as they were leaving for college.
sorry that doesn't help you.
Personally I feel we are sitting on a time bomb waiting to go off any minute.
Now that three are in their 20's I want to tell them, but then he says why ruin their visit home with news like that.
So I just wait for "the right time" but we all know there is never a "right time" to share this information.
Just do what is right for you and your family.
Knowing how I reacted, I would have a counselor available for your kids to talk about it. Be open yourself to talk about it. To me when it happens I know I will have to ready to listen to them and their questions.
Hope I helped some, I know it wasn't what you wanted to hear. Maybe someone else will read this and give a better response.
When you tell your children let me know how it goes. If I can help let me know.

Texasgirl

We don't have to tell oldest yet, unless something weird happens. When dealing with unstable mother, you always wonder.

Thanks Tgirl.

Jenny as I said do what works for you. Someone else said that a lot depends on how the BS handles it. I know when we deal with this with our children I want them to know that I forgave their father for what he did, but I do not condone. It is unacceptable behavior.
I love my husband and realise he is imperfect.He has also done his best to make up for his actions with the OW. That to me counts for a lot.
As far as the OC, a lot will depend on her. If she contacts us in the future and wants to meet her 1/2 siblings then they can decide if they want to meet her. I feel her father should meet her when she requests it.
As far as a relationship, again that depends on her attitude to all of us and whether we are ready to take on someone who has been raised differently from us. She will have the advantage because she will have grown up knowing about them, but she will be a new revelation for them. I hope it will be a very long time before we have to face her, if we ever do.
But I think we will one day have her suprise us. I think it is natural to be curious about your "family", your parents. Her mother sent my H a letter several years ago saying she knows she gets her eyes from her daddy. There are things she has "made for her daddy". All he has to do is ask for them and she will send them to him.
That's where we are now.
Later
T-girl

I think I can relate to your "spread out children" dilemma. H and I have 3 children (11yo boy, 3yo boy, and 19 month old girl) PLUS 6 yo OC.

We never intended to tell any of our children because NC was originally decided by OW, we went along with it. Never intended any future C and didn't even think about it. No other family was told (grandparents).

When things changed, OC was 4 1/2 and BC were 9 1/2, almost 2 and just born.

Knew we had to "tell" with C now being chosen (big mistake just for the record). We told older BC and he was just shocked. Didn't handle it very well. Rest of extended family was hurt but all have "accepted" it.

Of course no explanations have had to be given to younger BC yet and I'm not looking forward to the day when question start to arise. I think OC has had some questions which OW alludes to, (I will tell her the "truth", which means OW version) WE only answer what is asked and don't volunteer info.

We did make sure to tell older BC it was wrong blah blah blah. And I make sure to tell all the children how much I love daddy and older child how I have forgiven daddy ect. Age appropriate information.

It's hard with older boy starting hormones and everything, understnads more but not everything <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> but that's another topic altogether I think <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

If C was not chosen I don't think we would have ever told any one if we did not have too.

Thanks guys.

KT, your kids are similar in age to mine. I'm sorry contact is so hard on your oldest... I can easily imagine that with my own 11yo old son. These things are so darn messy...

Best wishes,
J