I'm another who never thought I'd find myself here, but here I am.

My "story" is so long, complicated, and soap operish I don't want to retype it, but if you like you can find it at the General Questions board.(from several months ago, I guess you could do a search on my name)
Anywhoo..here's a brief rundown...
Me 33
WH 37
OW 20 and she's pregnant. (due in April)

WS and I have been married for 14 years (as of November 7) and have 4 children 11, 10, 9 and 7.

WS and I separated in May of 2003, he still lived in the home as he had no where else to go and we wanted to ease the kids into it.

He met the OW in February/March of 2003. I'm not sure if it was physical then, but I'm convinced it was emotional.

We found out she was pregnant in August, when he found out he moved into her home. (technically his...again..the post at Gen.Ques)


My thoughts are swirling at a million miles an hour these days and getting them down is difficult sometimes, I apologize if this post is scatter brained.

After a lot of fighting and tears, WH and I are in a good place as friends and parents.
I am more than willing to work this out, I want my husband home. I miss him so much it hurts.
I have accepted the fact that this girl is carrying his child and that he is going to be involved in her life. (the baby is a girl)
(ok..sort of accepted, I'm not convinced the baby is his, but that's another story <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

He has told me on several occassions that he wants us to work things out. That he misses me and the kids, but he can't do "anything" until the baby is born.
This is what has me so frustrated.

In OK, when a child is born to unmarried parents, the mother is automatically given sole physical and legal custody. I spoke with an attorney about this, and she told me that them living together gives him a better "shot" with visitation and custody. OW has told him that if he leaves her, he won't see the baby. She'll run.

I have talked to mutual friends and they have told me that he is miserable. They haven't slept together since the child was conceived. (I know I sound naieve believing that, but I've heard it from her own mouth...she didn't know I was listening) He's just there to secure his rights with the OC.

I have been advised to go into "Plan B", but I can't do that. We work for the same company, we have 4 children together, and as I said, we are in a good place as friends. I have to see OW everyday since she also works for the same company. It is not feasible for me to find another job, as I am lucky to have this one.
The pay is excellent, my hours are "mom hours", and since I was home for 12 years with the kids, I have no work history. My boss is WH best-friend and at first it was a pity job, and I know it. but now he says no matter what, I have a job with him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm not sure what I'm asking...or why I'm posting this..I guess I just need to "talk" to people who are in similar situations.
And I apologize for the scatter brainedness (is that a word) of this post.

Wow. I'm sorry you are hurting so much.

Who advised you to go to plan B?

ember

On the Gen.Ques. board a poster said

"NOW, if you moved to Plan B and set down some much needed boundaries, ie: "contact me when you get rid of the OW", he would quickly see that she is not sufficient and have proper motivation to get rid of her. But you are protecting him from seeing that by your lack of boundaries"

This was from several months ago, and at that time, things were totally stupid. Neither of us knew what to do or how to handle the situation, so we were doing the best we could.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Squeeker:
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We found out she was pregnant in August, when he found out he moved into her home.

=^^= With all that history and all those kids you two ahve together, are you telling me he felt that he should leave you and move in with her? for what purpose? There is no OC yet to care for.

I have accepted the fact that this girl is carrying his child and that he is going to be involved in her life.

=^^= Why is he going to be in her life? Why is this not part of a Policy for Joint Agreement between the two of you? Why is he sacrificing 4 or 5 people who he has entered into a sacred union with for a girl who is having a child that should not exist? Why is not this 20 year old girl not considering adoption if she is so inept that she needs your hsuband there to console her now?

He has told me on several occassions that he wants us to work things out. That he misses me and the kids, but he can't do "anything" until the baby is born.
This is what has me so frustrated.

=^^= I am so sorry you are going through this, but this is the most absurd reasoning I have heard in a while. What the hell does he mean he "can't do anything until the baby is born"? What possible benefit to this girl (except for keeping her company and consoling her) is he giving? Sounds like an excuse to me, Squeeker. It sounds like he WANTS to be with her. He doesn't have to be with her. After all, the time after discovery and before the child is born is the period of time when a lot of recovering couples take for themselves to realign themselves with each other and begin reconnecting and finding solutions TOGETHER as to whether or not there will be contact or not. The MOST important things in the world should be you and your children together. NOT the OW and the OC. Nothing should be done until the DNA test results are in and you know for sure what the status is...and decide TOGETHER from there. This situation you are in stinks to high heavens...and screams doubt and suspicion.

I spoke with an attorney about this, and she told me that them living together gives him a better "shot" with visitation and custody. OW has told him that if he leaves her, he won't see the baby. She'll run.

=^^= Oh, puh-leeze! Get another COMPETENT attorney this time. For one thing, if the child's DNA results prove it to be your husband's child, any court will grant him visitation and make him pay enormous income shares of CS. Not to worry...if he wants visitation, he will get it...the attorney is a quack if he is telling you that your husband should shack up with a woman who is not his wife and abandon his wife and four kids to get a better shot at playing "daddy" to an OC that shouldn't exist as your husband's child. Did you hear this stuff from the attorney yourself or is this hearsay information via your husband?

They haven't slept together since the child was conceived. He's just there to secure his rights with the OC.

=^^= Squeeker... You can't be serious. If people live together, they are probably intimate. Plan B can work even though you work at the same place. You simply refuse to have any discussion or contact with him under any circumstances pertaining to your personal life unless it is about your kids. And that's it.

Write the Plan B letter describing that from now on contact will be through a third party and he is not to contact you unless it is about the kids. Don't let him come over and hang at your house, don't give him the option of having it both ways...living with tootsie-pop while keeping you on the back burner waiting til he gets inspired to come home. Don't let him treat you this way, S. It is so demeaning.

God bless and guide you, S...I hope and pray that you get fierce about this establish some boudaries and take care of yourself. Get another attorney and file for CS for your kids; since he isn't protecting them, you have to.

Good luck

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I understand what you are saying, I really do and I know it all sounds ridiculous.

I talked to an attorney myself and that is what she told me. You have to remember this is Oklahoma, the legal system doesn't work the same here as it does elsewhere. (What do you expect from a state the allows a convicted to rapist to put off going to prison so he can finish working on his house?)
In Oklahoma, when the child is born, the mother has all the rights. It can take months to get even visitation with the child. The attorney told me that with him being so active in her life now, that it's not as hard to get visitation. If he leaves her, it can be considered abadonment. Lovely, eh?


In a way, I understand what WS is doing. She has a child from a previous marriage, and I've seen the games she plays with her ex.
She had her son on Halloween. Her ex asked if he could come by and see him in his costume when he got off work. She said "Sure..how about 8:30 or so?" When she got off the phone she said "And Alec will be in bed by 8". This has happened on numerous occassions. (I hear alot since our offices are right next to each other)

As far as them being intimate. I thought it was ridiclous as well, until I overheard a phone conversation she was having. "I've done everything I know to do, and he won't touch me"
were her exact words.

I'm not sure I'm ready to bring the court system into this. He is very good at making sure we have enough money. My WH is a truck-driver for the company I work for, so I know exactly what his pay is each week. If I bring the courts into this, and he has a bad week or so and can't make the court ordered amt, he runs the risk of losing his license. That benefits no one.

Plan B...I honestly don't think I'm ready for that. I understand the purpose of it, and I understand how it works. I don't have anyone I trust to be the "3rd Party".
We don't talk much as it is now. When he does call, it's only about the kids (or work) and we've only seen each other for about 10 minutes since New Years outside of work.