H has recently decieded he wants to have a relationship with OC. I honestly don't mind and would love to have in our lives. Thing is OW is saying the only way H can see OC is if she is there. She refuses to let H take OC.

H has a drinking problem. Thing is he doesn't drink at home or around the children. I understand here worry, but she doesn't understand that if it goes to court, the only thing a judge will do is tell H not drink around the child.

She was supposed to bring OC over on Friday and never called/showed up. H called tonight to set up a meeting this week and she is trying to give him the run around. This is the same woman who has complained cause H wasn't seeing his son, now he wants to and she's pulling these stunts. For this week she's trying to say she doesn't have a babysitter for her other 2 children, she can't handle bringing 3 kids out on her own.

How do those that have contact with the OC handle the OW? I think having H try for a month or two then bring her to court.

Be careful if your husband truly has a drinking problem it is very understandable why she would be worried about him around her child, and if he has wanted nothing to do with the child before, I can also understand a woman worrying about wishy washy decisions affecting her child as well. These are good reasons to be concerned.
Why dont you offer to go visit the child there or a near by public place and go with your husband so she doesnt have to worry.

I am sure I dont know your story but is your husband a stranger to the child? These things have to be considered, because before you make a decision to be in a childs life, make sure your doing it for the right reasons and in it for the long haul. Perhaps it would be better to do this when he has received help, and yes a court could very well, require your husband to have supervised visits if they see his drinking as a problem.

"Why dont you offer to go visit the child there or a near by public place and go with your husband so she doesnt have to worry. "

H has had contact with the OC since he was 9 months old. XOW has controlled it since the begining. He would have to go to her place at the time she wanted. She didn't care if he had other plans or not, then would get pissed if H didn't show up. After awhile he started to bring me and the kids along. She would no nothing but belittle him in front of everyone and make it very uncomfortable for him. Then she started cancelling things. So H stopped trying to get visits. This past summer we started to contact her again for visits. We would have a date and time set and she would be a no show. This happened about 5 times. He contacted her last week for a visit, and was a no show again for the day set. He tried one more time and we think the only reason she showed was he mentioned having a christmas present for OC. During this visit she gave another time for friday and was a no show again. So tonight H called and got the run around from her. She claims to be to busy all week and the only day available is wed, but doesn't know if she can find a babysitter cause she doesn't want to take all 3 of her kids out by herself. Says it to much for her.

I told her I understand on the drinking part. I don't allow any alcohol in my house. So when my drinks its not around the kids. And she has every right not to let H take OC if she smells alcohol on his breath. She has been to our house, she knows all of our kids and knows how I run my house. She has also mentioned in a conversation I had with her that she can't refuse to let my H see OC cause all he has to do is take her to court. She knows she'll lose.

Why not go to court and establish his rights and then if she has concerns she can address them there. If there are no concerns she will leave it alone, but your husband will have his rights.


I dont quite understand the part about not taking children out alone, One would wonder why you have children if you can not manage all of them on your own. While I am not crazy about taking all 5 kids with me shopping I do it fairly often. But my kiddos are not all babies either.

She doesnt have to take them out, why dont you just go get the child and take her to the part, offer that as a solution to her having to drag all the kids out, then you can return him/her at the appointed time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> about not taking children out alone, One would wonder why you have children if you can not manage all of them on your own. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I understand this. I to have 5 children and go out often with just them and I. I have no problem handling them. She has always had help. Scarey.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> why dont you just go get the child and take her to the part, offer that as a solution to her having to drag all the kids out, then you can return him/her at the appointed time.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have offered this on more than one occasion. She refuses, but expects me to leave my kids with her to babysit.

Her kids are OC 5, 4 and 2 1/2. She treats them like crap.

<small>[ January 18, 2004, 10:52 PM: Message edited by: Crazymum ]</small>

mum,,,,,,, 1st why don't you get your h to voluntarily gey some help by enrolling in an alchohol abuse program.

2nd go to court to establish your h's rights. he has them and they need to ordered by the coourt or you will forever have these problems with ow.

since she has controlled things from the beginning she has established the standards her way. that is why you need the court to staighten things out for you. you will never change her standards now without help.

it will also be a possitive in your favor since your h voluntarily entered himself into an abuse program.

your ow sounds exactly like my oldest son's mother. amazing i thought they broke the mold on her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by pops:
<strong> mum,,,,,,, 1st why don't you get your h to voluntarily gey some help by enrolling in an alchohol abuse program.

2nd go to court to establish your h's rights. he has them and they need to ordered by the coourt or you will forever have these problems with ow.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Pops is right. If your H is serious about wanting a relationship w/ OC then he needs to put in the effort to get it done legally. It does take effort and lots of time to get these things situated through the courts, I know, we have been there.

It is worth the effort for EVERYONE involved, on both sides because you can't be "controlled" or taken advantage of when your "agreements" are all on paper---court ordered.

Our OW wanted things all her way too, which we did put up with for awhile. Then realizing that she was "contolling" too much we went to a "mediation" and created a "schedule". It was ok for awhile and then we learned how vague it was and how many details it lacked, which we needed. OW may not have liked us having more time w/ OC but she did, at least, appreciate the predicatbility of the situation.

Since that 1st mediation, over 1 year ago, we have had a few more and now we have 40% contact/visitation/time w/ OC. I know that is a lot.

It will help if you 2 can show some commitment to the visitation and you can't if it is not in writing, on paper. OW was able to see that we were not going to "flake out", we were in it for the long haul and were committed to trying to make this work (regardless of our opinions/feeling for OW) I think OW has (almost) given up trying to be difficult since we have put up with so much from her and are still "here" for OC.

Think things through, how serious and committed you are about having a relationship w/OC and start planning around that. Do you really want to be able to "know" OC or do you just want OC to know you "exist"? Depending on the nature of relationship you wnat, will help you 2 to focus on what kind or amount of visitation/custody you would want.

It will be too easy to not gets things legally done and then OW will continue to be "difficult" and then it will be easier for you to justify giving up because it is "so hard". If after it's all done legally, OW is still difficult, her motives will be obvious.

Now, I don't condone taking risks with or disrupting YOUR family, but if you are both serious about C w/ OC then the legal steps should be taken to establish the boundaries between your family and OW.

Best of luck to you and let us know what happens. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

She did again. She was supposed to call today for the time on Wed. Of course she never called. I'm now tempted to call her and say that since she wants to jerk us around on visits that we will be taking her to court.

mum,,,, --------------------------------
I'm now tempted to call her and say that since she wants to jerk us around on visits that we will be taking her to court.
---------------------------------------------

do yourself a favor and no matter what she does just grin and bare it right now. file the paper work or get an attorney but say nothing to her about it. she will have plenty of time to figure things out when the papers are served.

man your ow sounds so much like my exgf. i never complained to her about her hiding my son i just kept on calling and setting up new times. i am sure that it drove her nuts never getting me to the point of flaming her. i was definately ticked off i just didn't let her know it.

about your h's drinking kt is right that it takes alot of work. when my exgf sued me for cs i was at that time of my life (young 20's in the late 60's - 70's <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> ) kind of a free spirit just partying and useing pot along with alchohol. i relized right away that there wasn't a judge in the land that would approve with my actions so i quit cold turkey. i also knew that exgf would use anything she could to make me look bad in court.

Thing is with H drinking. All the judge will say is not to drink while the kid is around. When I seperated from my H, I brought up the drinking. And this is what he was told. As long as he doesn't do it while the children are in his presense, it doesn't matter.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Crazymum:
<strong> Thing is with H drinking. All the judge will say is not to drink while the kid is around. When I seperated from my H, I brought up the drinking. And this is what he was told. As long as he doesn't do it while the children are in his presense, it doesn't matter. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think this would depend on whether OW could prove that H is an "alcoholic" or OW is just against "social drinking". If she proves he is more than a social drinker then.....it won't be so easy for him. He might get a different judge with a different opinion.

I spoke with a lawyer today and was told what I already knew. As long as he doesn't drink around the child or when he has the child there is nothing OW can do.

The lawyer said H has two ways to deal with the visits. Either hire a lawyer and bring her to court, or send a letter to friend of the court for a mediation on the visits.

<small>[ December 02, 2004, 06:25 PM: Message edited by: litlone ]</small>

how about picking child up from neutral place like day care center instead?

In CA, the courts offer "free" mediation services, both parties have to agree to the appt. and it's scheduled about 6 weeks in advance.

If you are going to court for a custody/visitation hearing then the mediation is mandatory. Here, you just have to call the court that has the jurisdiction. I'm not sure if you already have to have a case or not, it can work if you have a CS case on record too.

<small>[ December 02, 2004, 06:26 PM: Message edited by: litlone ]</small>

Can YOU pick up the child? Some BW are strong enough to do this (I don't know if I could, but some can) A third party works well if you can find someone willing to do it because it is a pain in the a$$.

Your husband should NOT be picking up or dropping off OC without you...ever, under the best of circumstances...especially if you are suspicious of your husband's motives in the least.

<small>[ December 02, 2004, 06:28 PM: Message edited by: litlone ]</small>