I'm new to posting here although I have been reading for a while now.My situation is that my wife and I are trying to rebuild our marriage after the affair and subsequent OC.
What has prompted me to post is that the man my wife had her affair with is now seeking visitation. The thought of this makes me sick. A problem is we can't legally deny him visitation. Neither one of us wants to deal with this. I'm afraid that this added stress is going to destroy what we have already rebuilt.
Anyone else in this situation?

7yr:

My wife had an affair and ended up pregnant as well---and our third child is the result of this affair. The good news for us was that the OM did not pursue visitation after having threatened it (while my wife was pregnant), and we've not heard from him since (the child is now 5 yo).

From the standpoint of rebuilding your marriage, I would suggest that you spend time reading the concepts here; especially the policy of joint agreement (POJA), lovebusters, how to negotiate successfully, and how important meeting needs are to rebuilding love. If you and your wife can get on a program to:

1. Protect...
2. Care...
3. Be Honest...
4. Spend time with...

...each other, you will be well on the road to recovery. I highly recommend that you call the MB office and make an appointment with Steve or Jenn Harley for phone counseling (888-639-1639 to set it up). Steve helped me through dealing with my wife's affair, and both he and Jenn helped my wife and I with our recovery efforts. They're both terrific counselors, and it's money well-spent.

As to your situation:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A problem is we can't legally deny him visitation. Neither one of us wants to deal with this.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can believe that you don't want to deal with it. Where are you in the process??? In general, a child born in a marriage is considered of that marriage UNLESS paternity has been established by DNA testing. How old is the child? Did you do DNA testing?? Is the OM suing you to prove paternity?? Is the OM currently paying child support?

I would suggest that you get a very good family lawyer involved, and see what you can do to block progress here. It is true that you cannot "legally deny" the father access to the child---but only if he meets a number of serious legal hurdles (in most states). He needs to do a lot of legwork to prove that he is the father, and then by doing so he will incur the "right" to pay child support. If he is willing to do the work and is doing so because he feels an obligation to this child---he will probably be successful in being granted visitation rights. But this may not be a horrible thing for the child. If, on the other hand, he is doing this to be spiteful or troublesome, he's probably going to give up before any damage is done.

Let us know where in the process you are, and perhaps what state you're living in (we have some people fluent with the legal processes state to state). You can get through this, but the essential thing is that you and your wife discuss things calmly (no lovebusting) and honestly, and then come to a joint agreement (POJA) on how to handle it. When you do that---you build love in a marriage. Even (or especially) when you're handling horrible situations.

7yrs


Have you checked with the laws of your state, in some it is only two years and the om can not even try to get visitation. Unfortunately where I live it is 4, so he will still have the option of taking me to court if he chooses.

Not sure if that will happen or not.

However we do have visitation, very liberal, and he pays almost next to nothing for support. I am counting on the fact that they like money more than me, and will not want to pay 20 percent of his salary.

Get a good attorney and explain everything, including his lack of involvement and your feelings on the matter, find out what your rights are.

He may be able to get visitation, but it will most likely be supervised and slow, considering lack of involvement thus far.

As far as the relationship with your child., My daughter loves my husband and vise versa, they are very close, and having om involved has not changed that for her. She loves om, but it is different and you can see it.

If you have to be involved in this, please remember what is best for your child, It wll ease the childs tensions and fears, if mom and dad are comfortable or appear comfortable with this.

Good luck

I understand the thought of it making you sick. Your scenario is one of my worst fears.

Follow what K suggested for your marriage and the added stress will hardly be a match for the strength of your unity. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

A couple questions for you, K...(In the same vein as most if not all states recognize the OC as a product of the marriage)...I believe I've heard somewhere, that only the H can try to dispute paternity, not the x-om. Is there any truth to that? If it's true, could the x-om only go about it by bringing a law suit? Basically, I guess I just want to know that if H refuses to contest paternity, would the x-om have a real hassle on his hands and would be forced to take it to court? Also, would waiting till after 2 years, make it pretty much a losing battle for x-om?

Thanks

Thank you all for the replies.
The baby is only 3 months old and the biological father is fairly anxious to be a part of his life. Yes, even knowing that he will be paying child support.
My wife is an attorney so she has been busy researching different issues, although we have retained separate counsel to get us through this.
When I say that neither of is wants to deal with this, I think I mean that I would rather just have this baby be "mine". We have other children together and this baby looks just like the others. I did not expect that the X-OM would be so persistent in establishing a relationship, as he is also married with young children.
My fears are that he still has strong feelings for my wife, and that somehow he can try to continue a relationship.

7yrs,

If your wife is an attorney and you're working through another firm---I think I'll leave the legal advice to them. I assume that you are positive you are not the father, correct??

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When I say that neither of is wants to deal with this, I think I mean that I would rather just have this baby be "mine". We have other children together and this baby looks just like the others.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There's no doubt that this is the easier route to go. If you really feel that the OM is more interested in trying to manuever himself back into a relationship with your wife, then I'd choose a strategy that makes this as difficult as possible for him. I would assume that you're forcing him to sue to prove parentage. I would also encourage no contact with him---let the meanest lawyer you can find deal with him.

Autumn: I don't know enough about all state laws to say, but I would think in most states an OM can sue to prove paternity. I would assume that he would need to provide reasonable evidence that he and the woman in question were having an affair, but if this burden of proof was met, the next thing would be to do DNA typing. And in general, if the OM KNEW about the pregnancy, suspected paternity, and did nothing for two years---the assumption is that he would have little grounds to revisit that. This is more based on case law---as a parent, you never "lose" your rights to your child (as in a statute of limitations situation). But the court can take them away.

7yrs~

That stinks if x-om is looking to have contact w/ your wife but disguising it with wanting contact w/ OC. Do you know how his wife feels about all this, where she stands? Smart to have the attorney on this.

K~

Interesting about x-om probably having to establish proof of A. If no proof, would it be a matter of he said, she said? What would be considered reasonable evidence?

Also, what if x-om claims he never knew of pregnancy? How is that proven and would a judge take more pity on him, (if he believed x-om) even at the 2 yr. mark or beyond?

One more thing, are you saying a man can try to claim paternity at any point in a child's life, but case law or some precedent shows that it is very difficult for him to win?

Sorry if I'm a pain in the you know where with all these questions, but they're always "out there" for me.

There have been cases in which an OM sued for paternity at a later date, and been denied visitation because it was "too late" in the judge's opinion for him to be considered the "father", even though he was the sperm donor.

I've also heard of a case in which the OM sued not only for visitation, but for fraud because he was denied a chance to know his child. If I recall correctly, the judge ruled in favor of the OM in that case. I think this would be the extreme minority. I'm sure that there are plenty of OC's in this world that are being raised by non-biological fathers who don't know any differently---and in many of those cases, I bet the mother doesn't even know "for sure".

I'm not a legal expert (nor is my degree in law)---these are just cases that have been in the news or brought to my attention. I don't worry about this stuff. The longer the time passes, the less likely there is to have any substantial damage done. If I go home tonight and the OM is waiting at my house to see "his kid"---I'll just ask him to leave (well, maybe I'll have him unload groceries first), and then call our lawyer. Our lawyer was firmly in the camp of "let it lie, and take no action unless forced to."

Ok, I'll try to relax, and not worry so much. I do like having some knowledge of what could play out if... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I like your attitude. Heck, with the weather we've been having, you should ask him to haul in the wood and start the fire too!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />