Found out last week my H had been having an A with a co-worker. I caught him 2 years ago with same one and thought it was all over. Well, she just had a baby on January 6th and claims it to be his. I was devastated. We have an 11 year old daughter. I told him to stop all communication with her and let me handle it. I called to tell her we would have a paternity test done. She said I didn't have to agree to anything that she had already talked to a lawyer and he was going to have to pay. I understand that part. We have agreed to have NC with OC or OW (she wants just the opposite). Problem is they work at the same place. H has agreed to look for another job. The last time I called her to see when it would be convenient for her to take the test she became surly and proceeded to try and lay all kinds of details about the A on me. I have reconsidered now and made an appointment with a lawyer. It appears she is going to be vindictive since I did not throw my H out to run into her arms. I have read about the legal separation and that is what I am now looking at. Question is since she is being such a bitc* can she check to find out if H is still living at home and do something that will make my plan backfire on me? Do I wait and let her force the paternity test or offer it through the lawyer. If my H has to give me 20% child support how much would be left for her? Sorry for all the questions but I think I need to act on this before she does.
Thanks for any help or advice.

I don't know exactly and others around here might be of more assistance......but...

Even if she did "check up" on him how could she prove he was still "living" there? I mean just because he is there in your home doesn't mean he actually lives there. ANd since you would still legally be "married" even if she staked him out all night ans saw him spend the night, now a days, that still doesn't mean he "lives" there.

As far as CS goes, OC would get 20% of what is left over after your child's 20% is deducted, at least that is how it is supposed to work, if you get yours court ordered FIRST. If not, then your child will get what is left over after OC.

I am very sorry to have to welcome you here but you are in the right place to find support for your marriage.

When things got to be too much for h and I with his work situation, (in relation to A)he found another job THAT same DAY to support my feeling secure and to support my healing. Another woman I know, her H did the exact same thing.

Your husband can use a relative or friend's address for his mail for a few months, or rent a PO Box. He doesn't actually need to leave your home except by filing a change of address for his mail...and if you have children together, it would make sense he would be around to see his daughter and even spend the night with you, if you are talking reconciliation. Nobody cares where anyone sleeps anymore anyway...obviously, or we wouldn't all be in this situation. Why shouldn't it be you?

There are lots of ways to explain this in court...if they even ask or care. The only thing the judge will be looking at is that you two are legally seperated and you have filed for CS...and were the first one on the docket. Leave the rest to Heaven and do whatever you need to do to protect yourself and your daughter. It's like buying a security system after you have been a victim of a break-in by vandals.

It's what poeple do when they have been violated...they protect themselves and their young.

Catnip is exactly correct. Please listen to her. And also, you may wish to speak to LynnG. She has alot of experience on this exact topic. But, you MUST, MUST, hire a lawyer and discuss the issues with him. I hear so many people say, I can't afford to do that. But in the long run, you will save thousands over the next 18 years by doing just that! Protect your family first. That is your responsibility. Don't procastinate on this or it could come back to bite you in the end.
Also, have you talked to a IC about your feelings in this? It may help you deal. It is so hard on all. God Bless!

It is absolutely vital that you handle all of these details within the legal system. That is your only way for true and lasting peace.

1. Talk about a legal separation with a experienced divorce attorney. Get the support order for you and your children in place, according to your state law. NEVER assume what is legal in one state, will be legal in another.

2. Can he use his parents address? Sibling?

3. This is not an issue that will go away the day the oc is born, and cs is set. Hardly. You are looking at 18-21 years of legal dealings pertaining to oc. The only way to assure that you will be fine is to have everything done legally. If you are choosing no contact, stipulate that she is not to contact any member of your family for any reason. That includes children, parents, grand parents, etc. If she contacts anyone of them ONCE. Call the police and get a report for violation of the court order. This should teach her that you are serious about no contact. Do not mince words. If she hassles you in anyway, shape or form, turn her in.

4. Live your life. Be happy. Go on vacations with your children. Go on romantic get-aways with your husband. If he is truly sorry for the damage he has created, let him woo you!! Then enjoy it!! Let him romance you off your feet and love every second of it.

While this looms large now, as the time ticks by, it will be a distant memory. By having every detail taken care of legally, you really don't have to worry or put up with any drama.

5. There are ways to protect future income also. Speak with a qualified tax attorney about this also. Can you put more into a pre-tax retirement account? Does your state allow that, and will it adjust your cs accordingly? See, as the years go by, she will come back to have her cs adjusted. Thus the need for qualified legal advice. Even if you are paying $500.00 a month now, you are looking at $108,000,00 for 18 years. Obviously that will go up over the years. Qualifed legal advice is mandatory.

The most important thing you need to worry about is your marriage, your family and your future. Always think and do what is best for those three and your life will be fine. You will be happy.

Just always always always plan ahead. If your H should get a huge promotion, with income to match, what can you do LEGALLY to protect assets? Speak to the lawyer about it BEFORE anything is signed.

For our CS, we have it transfered into her account the first week of each month. We have never been late. Not once. We give her no reason to have to come after us. We have followed the advice and the court ordered CS to the T. By following the law, as stipulated, you will have peace.

So, get a laywer and then go on and live your life. They are expensive, true. But look at what they can save. Ours has saved us so much over the last 16 years that the fee was worth it. And I am not talking just about money either. I'm talking about my family and our right to live in peace.

Get a notebook and start writing what it is you want. Be aware, you WILL be paying cs, so dont' even try to get out of that. My list was:

1. We will pay cs.
2. We do not want to hear from OW at all.
3. No family members are to be contacted.

Financial.

1. If I have monies put into a retirement account, does XYZ state consider that income to be included for CS issue?

READ READ READ.

But most important, live and love your family and your life. Let that husband of yours make it up to you. Enjoy the little trinkets of love he gives you (bracelet? card? flower?) If he wants to steal you away for a romantic weekend and seduce you and to show you his love, totally and 100% enjoy!!!! No reason not to!!!!