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Hello all,

I found out three weeks ago that my husband had a one night stand with an old flame that he dated when we separated over a year ago and now she is pregnant. At first my initial reaction was to run from this man as far as I could. I had always told myself that I would get up and leave if he ever cheated and here I am debating what to do. Here's my main issue...when we were separated, he and I got pregnant. And during all the turmoil of the separation we fell back in love with each other after going to intensive therapy and communication courses. A lot of times he directly associates falling back in love with me with the fact that I was pregnant with his only child. So he said to me the other day, he's afraid that he is going to be so moved by the child birth experience again, that he may develop feelings for OW. He says that he feels nothing for her and knows that I am the best thing for him. This worries me...I am trying to stay open to the possiblity of reconciliation, but prepare myself for the worst...that he will develop feelings for her. Granted, it was a totally different situation, we were married and fell back in love and had always dreamed of having babies, but I am still scared. Any thoughts or ideas? Right now, I see him once a week (I asked him to move out for now), and we are on better terms than we have been for years (weird). I thought that distance was the best way to sort out my feelings...but I miss him so badly. Sorry so long...

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my husband had a one night stand with an old flame that he dated when we separated over a year ago and now she is pregnant.
How long were you separated? (At least for 5 months it looks like)
When did he "end" it with her?

So he said to me the other day, he's afraid that he is going to be so moved by the child birth experience again, that he may develop feelings for OW.
He shouldn't be involved in the "child birth experience" in any way at all. He should have minimal (if any) contact with the ow. He isn't gonna "fall in love" simply because she has a baby. They would need to have some interaction for that to happen.

<small>[ January 23, 2004, 03:52 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

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He went out with her 3 times and then we reconciled. He told her that he couldn't see her anymore because of me. They ran into each other one night and he thought to himself, "what if...what would have happened?" He admitted to having feelings for her when they were dating and it only lasted like I said, a few dates. But he confessed that he felt disgusting after he slept with her and he regretted it deeply. He said it felt "empty". He said he knew he made a horrible mistake.

I should have specified...he thought after the baby was born, that he would develop feelings. Not the actual giving birth in the hospital part.

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He went out with her 3 times and then we reconciled.
You split up over a year ago, he dated her 3 times and she is pregnant 12+ months later?

I should have specified...he thought after the baby was born, that he would develop feelings. Not the actual giving birth in the hospital part.
I know you meant that. But again, he is not gonna develop any feelings unless he has contact with her.

Right now, I see him once a week (I asked him to move out for now
When did you ask him to move out?
Where is he now staying? Friends, parents, hotel?

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Originally posted by antoniablaze:
and now she is pregnant.

She might NOT be carrying your husband's child.

Only a DNA test will confirm.


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Already got a DNA test...it's his.

To answer your question...they dated three times. Then he told her that they couldn't keep dating because we got back together. Then they ran into each other this past November and had a one night romp with her thinking "What if??". Then immediately regretted it. He is totally remorseful, I have never seen him this miserable. I am so torn. It's that fear of him falling in love with her. I know that it sounds weird.

I asked him to move out the night he told me. It's been three weeks. He got his own apartment this week. He was staying with his parents until it was ready for him to move in. I can't live with him right now. In my mind, we need to start over at the beginning. He needs to win me back and start the dating process all over again. But I think space is the right thing to do right now. I think...I don't even know which way is up anymore. UGH.

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OW is 3 months pregnant?

Is that correct? Since November?

Pep

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I just checked my pregnancy wheel (used to calculate dates, etc)

and a 12 week fetus weighs 20 grams and is 9 cm in length (average).

Are you sure the DNA was done this early?

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Well, he went down and took the test and she paid for it. She got the test results back in a week. Apparently it's possible to get them done that early.

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I looked it up and it can be done starting at 10 weeks of pregnancy.

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When and how and why did your husband submit his DNA? Was this done via the hospital or somewhere else, such as mail order?

<small>[ January 23, 2004, 05:50 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by antoniablaze:
<strong> Well, he went down and took the test and she paid for it. She got the test results back in a week. Apparently it's possible to get them done that early. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Where did the baby's DNA sample come from?

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Apparently it was done at a clinic, she gets swabbed from the mouth and vaginally, and he gets swabbed via mouth as well.

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by antoniablaze:
<strong>

I found out three weeks ago that my husband had a one night stand with an old flame that he dated when we separated over a year ago and now she is pregnant.

=^^= How far along is she? When is she due? When did she get pregnant?

I had always told myself that I would get up and leave if he ever cheated and here I am debating what to do.

=^^= It's a real grey area when a couple is separated and one or both are dating other people. Some people don't consider dating others as "cheating" if they are not living together.

Here's my main issue...when we were separated, he and I got pregnant. And during all the turmoil of the separation we fell back in love with each other after going to intensive therapy and communication courses.

=^^= That's wonderful you two fell in love again...and when are you due?

So he said to me the other day, he's afraid that he is going to be so moved by the child birth experience again, that he may develop feelings for OW.

=^^= What bizarre rationale. Do you think he meant what you think he meant or what you're saying here? It just seems so silly to love someone just because of something like this when they don't even really know each other. It sounds like he has a strange romanticized perception of motherhood.

He says that he feels nothing for her and knows that I am the best thing for him.

=^^= Hmmmm...this is contradictory. It must confuse you.

This worries me...I am trying to stay open to the possiblity of reconciliation, but prepare myself for the worst

=^^= Didn't you just reconcile when you fell in love again and got pregnant?

Any thoughts or ideas? Right now, I see him once a week (I asked him to move out for now), and we are on better terms than we have been for years (weird). I thought that distance was the best way to sort out my feelings...but I miss him so badly.

=^^= Distance is a bad idea for a lot of reasons if you are back in love and expecting a child. Why did you have him leave? This could open the door for the OW to waltz in. Married couples working on their marriage are far more successful if they live in the same house.

I hope you two can be together and live together and raise your child together. He should have no contact with the OW either.

Good luck
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

<small>[ January 23, 2004, 08:09 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by antoniablaze:
Apparently it was done at a clinic, she gets swabbed from the mouth and vaginally, and he gets swabbed via mouth as well. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The fetus's DNA is not found in the mother's vagina, the woman's DNA only. Amniotic fluid, yes. Vaginal swab, no.

If you have NOT seen proof of this DNA test, I would not believe it 100%.

Sounds fishy to me.

Perhaps your husband is pulling the wool over your eyes as to the "one night stand in November"....

Just seems not Kosher.

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I know I said I would limit my post, but I do know a little about this subject. There are 3 ways to do a dna test. The first two are very expensive and have to be done by a HIGH RISK OBGYN. Not a clinic. It's through Cvs? CVC? and amino. It's over a 1000.00 not including the amino or other the procedure. The first one is done only up to 13 weeks then after that an amino has to be done. The first one has a higher miscarriage rate as well. Both procedures (before the child is born) like I said are risky and most reputable prenatal OBGYN's won't do them unless there is also a medical reason to do so. There are some doctors that will do it just to do and the cost is high. The 3rd is after the baby is born and all three are swabed. Why would she pay for such a procedure if by law the father of the child has to pay the court for the test anyway and it's a fraction of the cost. All three come with legal documentation, but the first two don't always stand up in court as they consider the fetus just that and not a born child. If I was you I would ask to see the documentation and find out where the test was done. Just my thought.
Pep your a nurse right? What is that first test I mentioned called? I know both ways they get it through the fluid. No way do they swab the vagina.

<small>[ January 23, 2004, 07:27 PM: Message edited by: needtomoveon ]</small>

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I am going to wait and see how AntoniaBlaze responds ....

something about this just feels not right....

Pep

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Pep even though I'm on the other end I totally agree with you. I checked into the DNA testing with several differnt labs and my high risk obgyn. They all said the same.

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I usually try to stay naive and trusting, however, Antoniablaise posted on the General Board. It was a post about affairs after the loss of a child.

Why didn't you mention the loss of your child here, Anonia?

If you and your husband lost a child, did you get counseling to help deal with it?
If you didn't then you might want to get that now. You need to find a counselor for both issures in your marriage.
I would also be skeptical concerning the possible OC.
don't do anything until a DNA test is done after the baby is born. Have you seen proof, a document?


TG

<small>[ January 24, 2004, 10:47 AM: Message edited by: Texasgirl ]</small>

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Hi All,

Well, I got a bit of clarification about the whole DNA thing from my husband. All of the things he told me is what OW told him. I never really asked for specifics so he just told me what he "thought" was going to happen. So I guess he went and got blood taken. Not sure how that works. I asked him if she gave him proof and he said she called him to come over and get it. He told her that he was uncomfortable seeing or being around her so she could mail it...needless to say she hasn't yet. So he really doesn't know either what happened. So I asked him if he could please get some sort of proof and he agreed. This OW would pretty much do anything to keep him around, that worries me.

But to answer the last post, yes my son passed in April. I guess I haven't made my original post clear...we separated mutually in August of 2002, then in December 2002 we reconciled and I got pregnant 2 weeks later. I had my son in April due to complications and he passed. We have been in therapy since our separation and continuing through our sons birth. He has taken it very hard. He still has not fully gotten back to a normal life. He has a lot of other emotional issues that have reared their ugly heads. He is living somewhere else because I need time to think alone...and that's really hard for me to do. But I need to focus on what's going to be right for me for a change. I have to ponder the reality of what he has done and if I am willing to care for a child made by someone else and my husband. Initially I say yes to standing by my husband, but he needs to prove to me that he is on the right track and is serious about this marriage. It's what is the right thing to do.

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