just an update. h finally sat down and read all of Dr.Harleys concepts. we took the boxing gloves off and seem to be moving in the right direction. i asked him about the nc letter to ow and he agreed. he asked me to type it up and we would deliver it to our lawyers office to be forwarded. we also agreed on nc with oc for now so we can work on us. so far so good... does anyone have any suggestions of how to word this letter ? ow has no idea this is coming and she will be livid that we are putting ourselves above oc-let alone her. we expect some trouble back from her in one form or another. i want to thank all of you on here. all of your responses and thoughts have helped me tremendousely. i wish i could give advise as well...maybe one day i can.

how about this..........

dear ________,

i have decided to repair the pain and damage that i have caused to my wife and my marriage. because of this decision i will be having no further contact with you.

i would appreciate it very much if you would make no further effort to contact me or my family.

i addition i will not be seeing _______ (oc name) for _______ (how long) when i feel that my wife and i are back on solid ground.

sincerely,
___________ (your h signature)

*note here... please be careful with this part for several reasons.
1 - you are talking about a child and you don't want to be just coming and going in and out of this childs life. that is not fair to oc. it is fine to exit for awhile to get your marriage back on track and even permanently if that is your decision with your h. but be careful not to let being in the childs life be the whip to keep your h in line. PLEASE remember that i mean this statement in no accusing manor. my concern is for the children involved incloding yours.

2 - if your h has formed a true bond with the oc it will be very hard for him to break it. nc may be the wedge that never allows him to reconnect with you. NOW after saying that i want to say this and again PLEASE don't take this as an accusation towards your h but. from what you have written i don't think your h has a TRUE bond with this child. i think the c was just the excuse to stay attached to the ow. i hope i am wrong but that is just my gut feeling.

3 - if contact begins again or continues there is NO reason that your h needs to be involved with ow. YOU should be the one that picks up oc and drops oc off for visitations. when om calls fh she tells me and i am the one to return the call to him.

for us om picks grace up at my daughters house during the week and I or our kids do most all of the other exchanges.

good luck, pops

Ok, I wasn't originally going to reply to this thread, but this is really bothering me so I feel compelled.

I feel for your situation, I really do. Any ex who is a manipulative pain is a terrible strain on a relationship....HOWEVER...(and I have a hard time beleiving no one else has pointed this out) this child is NOT an "OC", it is a step-child, and should be treated as such.

You say yourself that your now-H was having two seperate relationships with yourself and another woman long before you were married. Children resulted of both of those relationships. Yes, you are married now, but by your original post, you knew the child exsisted. I can imagine the disruption the situation has caused you, but I think you need to look at it in terms of your H having an ex who wants him back, not an OW. As a matter of fact, just to play devils advocate, how do you know she doesn't view YOU as the OW, and YOUR children as the OC's??? I mean, you were both unaware of each other, and neither of you had a marital claim to this man.

Maybe you should adjust the way you perceive the situation?

Mind you, I speak from the experience of having had a long relationship years ago with a man who had two children and the worlds MOST obnoxious, manipulative, difficult ex, and I TOTALLY understand how damaging that can be to a relationship, and how stressful. However I don't agree, in this situation, with keeping this pre-existing child from it's father, even though it's an awful situation you're in.

There are ways to have contact with this child while minimizing this woman's contact with your H, even though I realize that is not a popular notion with some here.

I say all this with respect and sincerity, and hope that you can work it all out. (But I'm with Pops, the guy sounds like a pretty big creep)

sofar,,,,,,,,,,,,, you are absolutely right. after going back and rereading the original post i can't believe that i missed that. old age i guess. so many of my replies here come from my experiences with my oldest sons mother who was not an ow.

with that said i will suggest that thesample letter i wrote above be amende to strike "i addition i will not be seeing _______ (oc name) for _______ (how long) when i feel that my wife and i are back on solid ground." and say something to th effect of " in addiation i would like to continue contact with _________ (childs name) on a regular visitation scheduleof ________ (times and dates). these visitations will be done away fom your (ow) house anwith my wife and family."

..............................
As a matter of fact, just to play devils advocate, how do you know she doesn't view YOU as the OW, and YOUR children as the OC's???
....................................
sofar this i an interesting scenerio given the specifics of thi prticular situation. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

i guess i look at it differently. she was a few night stands. he and i seen each other alot until it all came out in the open. then he went his seperate way until the boys were 5 and 6. he had nothing to do with her or the oc until she found out we were together. even after we started seeing the oc at what 7-8 yrs old we only had her a hand full of times. so to me its like an oc because here we are going along in our life with no plans on seeing her and she starts pushing her down our throat. i think h only seen her to look good. anyway i do see what you are saying but i still cant look at it that way. if he would have had a relationship with oc before we got together that would be different. he paid child support and thats the way he liked it. and until he had his affair with her recently i really didnt give it much thought. all ive ever seen is how much this woman uses this child to get what she wants. if it werent for the mother id take her in a minute. but to have to deal with this physo for the rest of my life is something i just cant fathom. we sent the nc letter via our lawyer. we didnt say we werent going to see oc yet-we said we would be in contact through a third party to let her know when we would pick her up. within 3 days we got a review letter from child support to up the support. she will do all she can now to bury us. havent heard anything yet about her thoughts on us getting her again. im sure that will follow. if i can make myself look at this the way you perceive it...as a step-daughter and not oc....how do i get beyond this affair because everytime i think of her its all i see?