Tell can it ever work out??? My H and I were split for about 5 months--he lived in apartment. Decided that he wanted to make marriage work instead of seeing OW (20 yrs. old)--I'm 28 so is H. Started staying at home some went to MC and was all going well and then in early Dec. tells me that OW is expecting. Thought she was getting abortion-didn't when confronting her about if she was actually took BC that he made her an appointment for-well she won't answer seems like she got pregnant when she realized he was probably returning to his wife and son. Life was going good even after this news until he realized she was really having it. Now he doesn't seem to want to face reality and thinks he should even said at one point he isn't sure if he has feelings for her and this is all very different then when he thought she would do abortion or adoption. I think she thought she would get him to stay if she had a child. Is this workable I thought it was and told him I would stand with him on this but now I wonder. Just looking for all thoughts, comments, and personal experiences. Please help I love him dearly and I believe he loves me but at this point is just running.

Albany

I'm really sorry that you are faced with this situation.


it seems to be the concensus around here that C shouldn't be considered until the marriage is on a smooth and stable path.

Many are torn between C or NC w/ OC. You and your H need to do what would be in the best interest of your marriage and family, if you have children. It is a very hard thing to do, to have C w/ OC, while trying to maintain a healthy marriage much less one that is currently in chaos.

I am of the Opinion that there should be NC if the marriage is to survive. My H & I have C w/ OC and it has not been good for our family or marriage. Others disagree.

Albany,
Sorry you're having to go through this. I just found out about two weeks ago about husband's affair and the fact that they have a 5 mo. old. My husband was never "gone" and it was a physical affair. We are trying to work it out too. It sounds to me like your husband isn't doubting staying with you so much as he is at a loss over how to deal with this. There is alot to consider. How involved will he be with the child? Will you guys (a married couple may be viewed as a more stable envir.) go for custody, visitation? You also need to think about the child support you'll have to pay if you don't have custody. It can def. work. What I have to keep telling myself is that the affair happened and that is the crime. The OC doesn't make that crime more of a crime, it just makes it harder to heal from because it will ALWAYS be there. Judi

I know I think that he is running from the whole thing because he things it is an easier path. We both and especially me let the OW and C consume us and we didn't work on so I think he is running because right now he isn't happy and he says he wants to be happy. He says he looking at a place tonight and is going to see about moving out again--he only moved back in recently. Says he is done and isn't happy and wants to be happy and seems to think leaving will achieve that. HE wants to see the OC and will pay support we had considered all this but in the mean time we let us go--as we were already struggling to put it back together with MC help and we were doing very well but as I said he seems to like the path of least resistance, although in the end if he leaves I think he will be sorry but you see he left in 1999 and I let him return and in 1/2002 we had our first child and he left this June when things were though as we were going through all the things that new parents struggle with--and I'm afraid that if he moves this time it just has to be done.

Albany

I know-- I think that he is running from the whole thing because he things it is an easier path. We both and especially me let the OW and C consume us and we didn't work on us so I think he is running because right now he isn't happy and he says he wants to be happy. He says he is looking at a place tonight and is going to see about moving out again--he only moved back in recently--late November early December. Says he is done and isn't happy and wants to be happy and seems to think leaving will achieve that. HE wants to see the OC and will pay support we had considered all this but in the mean time we let us go--as we were already struggling to put it back together with MC help and we were doing very well but as I said he seems to like the path of least resistance, although in the end if he leaves I think he will be sorry but you see he left in 1999 and I let him return and in 1/2002 we had our first child and he left this June when things were though as we were going through all the things that new parents struggle with--and I'm afraid that if he moves this time it just has to be done. I will say I'm mad that he is in my eyes running from it all.

Albany <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Hi Albany,
Have you read anything about Dr.Harley's Plans A & B? The main thing you need to do since you still love your H is find a way to meet his emotional needs, no lovebusting, but he needs to know that if he wants you and your marriage, the affair must end.

It sounds like the OC is making your H feel guilty. I can't tell you what to do about that, but if the marriage is to move forward in any way, shape or form, the affair must come to an end.

Dr.Harley recommends that you deal with the OW, not your WS--when it comes to OC and any visitation. It sounds like your husband will probably want contact with the child.

I don't know if your situation can work with contact, some do, but regardless of contact, the affair must end if you two have any chance of making things work.

Pray and allow change where you have control, and the rest, you have to let go. I'm sorry you are in this situation, but if you are willing to fight for your marriage, I say go for it! You can win the fight! It's a good fight of faith. Keep the faith! (((((HUGS)))))