Well I don't know even where to begin,I haven't been posting just reading alot, although many times I would like to post but sometimes feel it's too much of an effort.

Sorry pressed wrong keys!!!
Anyways ,I was reading a post from catnip

"If your husband is reluctant to sever contact with the OW, then you have to make some hard decisions, declare (and stick to) some boundaries, and launch into Plan A for a while to see if you can break through his foggy state and bring clarity...that all important "moment of clarity". If you go into Plan A, do it as long as you can stand it before going into Plan B because Plan B is risky, although often very effective "

This is may problem . My H will not tell her they can't speak anymore. He has been telling me what they talk about (probably not everything) ,he doesn't call her. One night he came home and told me he did say something stupid ,like he would love to go to the movies or somthing like that, but he talked to me about it, he said he was stressed at work and when he feels like this it is when he feels most likely to want to see her. At least I felt he was being honest and telling me . He just wanted to come home and hug me. He knew it was wrong to say to her.

We have been getting along great, our marriage seems better than ever ,I would say it is plan A,very extended. But I do feel horrible at times . I get anxious at times, one time I panicked when I couldn't get in touch with him at work ,I drove down there he was in a meeting.He is always home ,doesn't go out,calls me frequently.

It is not fair that i have to feel like this and not feel the security I once had. He is making more efffort to make me feel better except for the phone calls. He says he has not seen her.But how do I know for sure. I did go to talk with her,a few weeks ago, I know it is against everyones advice but i felt I needed to . It probaly didn't make much of a difference though.

My question I guess is like Catnip said plan a for as long as you can, but have boundaries. My boundaries I guess are that he can not see her, but he knows I don't like the talking, I make that clear,but I am not demanding he stop.I do remind him that he promised N/c before she found out she was pregnant. Am I just being a doormat, an enabler? Do I go to plan B ? He tells me we will get through this like we gotten through everything else.

I wish he would give me more concrete plans for what is going to happen . She had an ultrasound and it is a boy. This has been really hard for me to deal with, the whole pregnancy thing .

I'm new here, too, so I can't offer you too much advice. I just wanted to welcome you to the board and say I'm sorry that your situation has brought you here. The board is pretty slow on the weekends, so you may not get any replies from the "regulars" until Monday.

You said that the ow is having a boy. Do you two have any children together? You should definately lay your foot down about him not having any contact w/ ow. Does he want to be a part of the child's life? Do you?

I'm glad that you came here. The women (and men) here have been through a lot and offer really good advice. Good luck to you!

Panda

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cmdp21463:
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My H will not tell her they can't speak anymore. He has been telling me what they talk about (probably not everything) ,he doesn't call her.

=^^= One of the first things that the WS must do when the couple has decided to recommit to each other is for the WS to write a NO CONTACT letter. I believe there are examples of NC letters peppered throughout MB that other WS's have written that can help him design his letter to OW.
In order for this marriage to begin the recovery process, there can absolutely be NC whatsoever. As long as there is any kind of contact, there will be confusion (regarding his feelings), there will be insecurity (yours), the marriage will remain in a state of limbo and continue to disintegrate. Once the WS has mailed this NC letter, from that point on there is absolutely NC whatsoever. Period. End of story.
If XOW needs to contact you for anything, it should be through your attorney or through a third party...even through YOU, if you can stand it. But NOT through your husband.

he talked to me about it, he said he was stressed at work and when he feels like this it is when he feels most likely to want to see her. At least I felt he was being honest and telling me .

=^^= What alarms me is what wimps men are; big babies that have to find a "fix" outside their marriage to cure (temporarily) their "ills"...boo hoo...but that's a overall social malaise/phenomenon and not the point here.
As far as "being honest", um, well OK. I suppose he is being somewhat "honest". Maybe. But, don't get too grateful about these crumbs he throws you and insist on NC. The fact that he feels this pull to see OW when he is feeling "stressed" is unacceptable. He's married. He is married to you and he has no business communicating with this woman if he wants his marriage. The marriage is not going to recovery as long as there is contact.

I did go to talk with her,a few weeks ago, I know it is against everyones advice but i felt I needed to

=^^= It's not against MY advice. I did the same thing and I felt a lot better afterwards, but that is just my particular situation. We each do whatever we must to gather enough imformation to make our decisions.

My boundaries I guess are that he can not see her, but he knows I don't like the talking,

=^^= Then extend the boundaries. Tell him how upset you are that there is communication of any kind and how it makes you feel insecure, unloved, and how much this hurts you. Tell him that any kind of communication threatens you and that as long as this is going on, there will be no recovery. Once you make this stand, you cannot go back on it because he will think he can run roughshod over you and take advantage of your being "understanding"...which is something that goes beyond reasonable. No wife should ever be "understanding" about their husband having contact with another woman who is not his wife.

Am I just being a doormat, an enabler?

=^^= Yes. Somewhat. We all go through that stage too...and we all stay in it as long as we can tolerate it, which isn't long for most. It's too humiliating. Plus, our spouses lose respect and love for us if we are "desperate". Get "undesperate" and you will see changes in him.

Do I go to plan B ? He tells me we will get through this like we gotten through everything else.

=^^= Plan B is very effective in MOST cases. Plan B is designed to sever contact between you and your spouse to preserve whatever love you have left for your hsuband. Usually, during this separation where there is absolutely NC between you and your spouse, your spouse has the opportunity to see what life is like without you, and most of the time the spouse wakes up out of his fog, experiencing that all important "Moment of Clarity" and comes home and recommits to the marriage. We have seen a couple of exceptions here, but MOST of the time, this is how it plays out. It's a risk.
As long as he has contact with the OW, there will be no recovery...this is something that a couple cannot "just work through" (as much as your husband wants to believe it is)

I wish he would give me more concrete plans for what is going to happen. This has been really hard for me to deal with, the whole pregnancy thing .

=^^= Stop giving him the steering wheel; stop giving him all the power. YOU have to make the plans. YOU have to make the decisions whether or not this marriage is heading for recovery by extending your boundaries of what you are willing to live with and what you refuse to live with. Don't wait for your husband to "give" you concrete plans when he is incapable of any coherant thought process...he isn't thinking clearly. It's like asking a blind man what color your dress is...he can't tell you anything. He's blind.

Of course this pregnancy thing has been hard on you, Honey. This is the worst possible thing that can happen to a marriage. An Affair is soul crushing enough, but add an OC into the mix, and you have "pain squared". And there is nothing like it.
You have to think of yourself now and concentrate on what you need and what you want and make some hard decisions while your husband is on the fence, fogged in and vascillating between heaven and hell. Plan B often saves marriages and ends the pain. If you go into Plan B, you will not be speaking to him and then he won't be able to hurt you since you won't be witnessing this insanity every single day while it crushes your spirit more and more.

Do you have children together?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Catnip =^^=

cmd, one more thing--are you getting any counseling? Reading recovery book(s) and all the MB principles and articles and quizzes here at MB? They can really give concrete ways of "working on" a marriage.

Until H's A, I was always willing to "work on" our marriage, but I really wasn't sure what the heck that meant. The first book we got was After the Affair by Janis Abram Spring and it gave us lots to work with and work on, lots of excellent recovery tips.

It sounds like you've been running a good plan A. I wouldn't go straight to a plan B separation unless you give him fair warning. Like, you've been putting up with him talking to OW, but you can set a new boundary with new consequence.

Welcome to the board. So sorry for your pain. Catnip and others give great advice. I'm usually short on time.

Keep postin'!
J, in recovery 5y and glad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi , Probably confused everyone, but I am not new here. I have posted in the past,just recently haven't been posting ,just reading.I just felt really down the other day. I maybe feel that I have nothing really new to post, my situation is the same.
I know the contact is wrong and I know I have to be stronger ,set boundaries, but it seems the only way he will end contact is if I demand it to stop, and if he won't then what.. plan B is the only option.
I really feel that he is waiting for her to stop calling, he is taking the wimpy way out, doesn't want to hurt her anymore,he feels tremendous guilt because she is so young and now pregnant.
Yes he does feel guilt about what he did to me and our kids. He said the worst thing about this whole mess is knowing how much he hurt me. So why does he continue the hurt by talking to her?
We do go to MC but he only sees us once every 3 weeks ,I don't think its enough. I wish I could find someone who specializes in infidelity in my area. I do not go to IC ,but really thinking about going. My H last appointment in IC is coming up . I really would like him to continue. Its the whole insurance issue, and I can't use the Harleys because of the money issues we are facing right now. In fact we have appt with MC tonight. If anyone can recomend someone in Boston area feel free.

I remember you and know you are not new.

I know it feels so lonely @ times. Try and stay focused. What would happen if you did demand that he never speak to her again?

I think you said you have spoken to her right? Is there ANY way someone can convince this young girl to give the baby up for adoption to a lovng 2 parent home? I know no one is probably thinking rationally right now. Has H done a NC letter to OW? Maybe if he really does then she will wake up to the reality that he is married and plans to stay that way.

OW, especially being so young, might be confused, hoping, since H still has C with her, that they can still end up together.

I know this is all so depressing and complicated. It's also paralyzing. I think everyone walks around in a paralyzed state unable to make decisions @ times, just hoping they'll wake up and it will all be magically gone.

May be the time for being "understanding and supportive" to your H pain is over and the time to shift into pro-action gear instead of reaction gear is NOW. You can firmly and still lovingly let your H what you NEED and WANT to feel secure in his love and marriage. Part of that is to end ALL C w/ OW, regardless of her hurt feelings. YOUR hurt feelings should be more important to him if he is to save his marriage and family.

It sounds like he is still in EA if not a PA. That is not fair to anyone much less decent! If he is serious about keeping his marriage together then he needs to start acting serious! I would go so far as to pack everything up and move away with no forwarding address or phone #!!!! I know that might be impulsive but what else can you do?

This might not be the right advice since it is just my opinion but BS need to start standing up for themselves! If H is sorry then he needs to stand up and FIX it not depend on you to clean up his mess.

Maybe you should tell OW yourself to stop C and leave your family in peace. I know she is young but her actions of having sex w/ a married man sure did show some maturity! You are the WIFE and YOU have that working in your favor. I think you should start showing some authority in your life and take control. Look @ all this time that is being wasted just "waiting" around. IF H is too weak to make decisions right now then YOU do it. Put up a fight.

Is your marriage worth fighting for or what? Forget about being PC or showing sympathy towards this "young" OW, she's not feeling sorry for your feelings in this. You need to take care of your BC and fight for your marriage. NO ONE ELSE WILL!!

Be strong.

YOU ARE NOT A DOORMAT. YOU ARE A WIFE AND DESERVE TO KEEP THAT POSITION!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />