This all started with me as the BS. Several times actually. Time came when I too had an affair about 15 yrs ago. No excuses. I took responsibility for my choices and told my H so. H latest A is recently.

We are separated and are in counseling. We have been being honest as stated here on MB about past A. Which I thought would be the end of everything but it is actually helping.

My H just told me he thinks he may be the father of a friends (now grown) child. My questions is should he leave it alone or try to search for the truth? He said leave it alone because what if he isn't the father and he stirs everything up? I asked, what if you are? We used to even joke that she looked like him.

Situation #2. I am only 90% certain he is the father of our oldest child. Birth control was used but failed. I've only recently let myself rethink the time frames etc. and about the possibility. He looks like my H, acts like him etc. Should I tell my H about this concern or leave it alone? I think this would kill our son.

H is trying to cope with the fact that I had an A on him and has said his pain is probably his payment.

Anyone have any thoughts?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by confusedmom4:
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We are separated and are in counseling. We have been being honest as stated here on MB about past A. Which I thought would be the end of everything but it is actually helping.

=^^= If the two of you are in complete agreement about MC, then you are actually engaged in a POJA (Policy of Joint Agreement). And since it appears you are in alignment, and agreeing to work out the marriage, then the Radical Honesty won't hurt...it can only help. So far, it sounds like you are both doing what you need to do to start the healing process using MB principles and policies...without even realizing it. My advice is to continue this process and implement the rest of the concepts, such as; (each of you) making a list of your Emotional Needs and exchanging your lists and discussing them in detail. There are always surprises there when a couple finds out how important something is to the other. Once you know how important something is to your spouse and vice versa, then you can meet those EN's. You won't believe how meeting those needs will enhance your marriage.

My H just told me he thinks he may be the father of a friends (now grown) child. My questions is should he leave it alone or try to search for the truth?

=^^= He THINKS he MAY be the father....two key words. To me that means; leave it alone. Let sleeping dogs lie. Don't upset the apple cart. Don't borrow trouble. Can you think of any more old adages that have these elements of truth in them? The reason why these old adages hold firm and are repeated through the centuries is because it rings true. Unless he is absolutely certain beyond a shadow of a doubt, then...Let It Be. (Beatles)

He said leave it alone because what if he isn't the father and he stirs everything up?

=^^= Exactly. Is your life dull? Is there a need for heavy drama in your life? I think not. I can guarantee you that if you start "investigating" and asking questions and pursuing this quest, you will rue the day. Not to mention upset a lot of people; innocent and guilty.

We used to even joke that she looked like him.

=^^= My son resembles my old boyfriend, but he also resembles my ex-husband, his bio-dad. All this tells me is that I am attracted to the same kind of guy over and over again.

Situation #2. I am only 90% certain he is the father of our oldest child. He looks like my H, acts like him etc.

=^^= Close enough.

Should I tell my H about this concern or leave it alone? I think this would kill our son.

=^^= I suppose you could tell your husband that you have fleeting moments of anxiety about this, but it could be your over active imagination. If this would "kill" your son, I think this pretty much answers your question anyway.

H is trying to cope with the fact that I had an A on him and has said his pain is probably his payment.

=^^= It's ridiculous how we all continue to hurt each other and even more ironic that the serial cheaters who have bedded a cast of thousands are more obsessed over their spouse's ONS or one time affair. Just like you, in time he will get over all of this once your marriage is in recovery and you are meeting each others' emotional needs. Work the Harley principles and adhere to the policies and focus on each other and your love for each other and consider your own long history together and be grateful that he is as interested in preserving the marriage as you are.

Anyone have any thoughts?

=^^= Don't listen to anything I have to say because I may have given you the wrong advice. Wait for others to come along and offer their input. These are just my opinions and what I would do if I were in your situation. Trust your instincts and trust logic and pray for guidance.

Catnip =^^=
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<small>[ January 31, 2004, 10:06 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

It takes more than an egg or sperm to be a parent. If there is an adult child out there, your H thinks is his, why go there? That person has a life and might not appreciate having his world rocked like that.
As far as you child, I'd leave that alone also. For all intents and purposes he is your H's child, whether your H really produced the sperm that created the baby. He has been the father your child has known. Why take that away from your child?
What will you accomplish that will make their lives better? In my opinion everyone will suffer, so why do it. In most cases the person with the secret is publishing information that will only hurt other people while causing immense pain for the others involved.
Only if one of these children needed something genetically, if one could have inherited a genetic problem or need a transplant would I disclose any questions of paternity.
Just my 2 cents.
Good luck,
Texasgirl

it sounds to me that you and your h's are in a tit for tat life style. he has a couple of A's so you have an A. he's not sure if he has oc now you are not sure whether your child is his.

seeking out the answers to the parentage of these children can only hurt the c's and those whom they believe to be their parents. and for what? so you and your h can say "take that" to each other. and where was all this concern years ago when these 2 kids were just small? my suggestion here would be to close the file on this what if section of your lives. don't throw this wrench into the lives of these innocent kids.

as far as you and h are concerned i suggest that the 2 of you have a session or 2 with your mc focused on whether you love each other enough to stay married. if the answer is "no" then seperate perminately and leave all other innocents out of your insecurities. if the answer is "yes then you and your h need to put all this garbage and "i'll teach you" crap behind you never bringing it up again and start building your life together with the FUTURE as your primary interest.

start concernimg yourselves with how to meet each others emotional needs instead of how you might be able to find some little dig to get back at each other.

ask yourself this, your h fooled around so you fooled around and then he fooled around and he may have an oc now your c may be an oc. what's next, are you going to continue the cycle and fool around again? someone has to step up and take the lead here.

just mho from the outside

Catnip and texas girl
Thanks for your advice. It always makes sense when you hear it from others. I do agree with you both. MB has been such a blessing in my life. I am grateful for your support.

We actually have been working on EN. (We will do a written list)I can't tell you what a difference that makes. We are just starting into recovery but I think we are making great progress.

Pops
At one point I would have agreed with you re: the tit for tat behavior. (I don't know how to do the cut and paste thing) I actually thought I had nothing to lose and allowed my A.

A far as the concerns re: the children involved that is a reality and not a get even behavior. Just trying to do the right thing at this point.

Some history for you is that I did stop the behavior, but my H was recently involved heavily into internet porn, chat rooms, phone calls and web cam sex etc. Clearly we have ongoing issues to deal with but he says he is no longer involved with porn/other women.

The good news is, our church family (only a few key people are aware of this), instead of rejecting my H have surrounded him with love and strong accountability (sometimes difficult for him). I thank God for their love and support or I'm sure we would have divorced.

Yes we have questioned our love for each other and that was truly a painful time. We know we do love each other and are now dealing with the consequences of our past behavior. Thanks for your input. Made me think.

............................
A far as the concerns re: the children involved that is a reality and not a get even behavior. Just trying to do the right thing at this point.
.............................
i understand that the c's are real. what i was refering to is the fact that since your h told you about possibly having oc that now you may be saying that you have oc. if that is not the case then that is ok no more questions on it from me.

i am asuming that your the kids in question are older. and if that is so i have to ask what good will come if all this confusion between you and h is brought to light. and after all it is just speculation.

remember that whether this is true or not, once the questions are asked two families are going to be turned upside down forever.

the deal with your h using porn sites and other computer sex sites has me baffled. i have to admit that when i first found of these places (porn sites) i viewed some of them. but realized that it was all the same stuff you can see in magazines and the interest wore off immediately. they are just PICTURES of people you don't know and can't touch. how totally frustrating. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> and i would rather be acting out my own porn scenes with my w. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> if you know what i mean. i have never really understood the continued addiction some men get from this.

wanted to add...... it is very good to here that the 2 of you are getting positive support from your church. that is a huge plus.

we were attending a very large church (20000) with all sorts of counseling ffor it's members. when fh and i went to counsel with them about this they were baffled as they had never run into this situation before.

<small>[ February 06, 2004, 08:03 AM: Message edited by: pops ]</small>