<small>[ February 03, 2004, 05:10 PM: Message edited by: litlone ]</small>

litlone,

I'm a little confused here. I have not seen Catnip post offensively when replying to you! In fact, I recall her apologizing for not seeing your original post and then posting yet another supportive reply on the same thread.

As for what a troll is, it is a term used on many boards to describe a poster wh
o registers and posts only to cause problems. Now, if you could point out the posts where you feel you are being called a troll, or where Catnip has "attacked you", or even where you have taken your frustrations out on others, I could understand this post.

I'm sorry, I just don't see what you are saying about Catnip, or yourself for that matter! I would love to try to help, but I am not on your side of the coin, and, we do not have any contact with xOM.

At this time, the board has been going through it's odd cycle of change. Often times, when that happens, a new poster gets lost in all the change. Please, if you are concerned about something, or need some advice, don't hessitate to post about it! And, if it seems that your post is becoming buried, bump it up to the top! Please, don't give up on posting! This board IS here to help! And, please don't take this reply as an attack either. I just couldn't find anything to support what you had said about yourself or Catnip!

God Bless,

Tigger

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 10:56 PM: Message edited by: litlone ]</small>

litlone,

Well then. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I know your problem. The trouble I have in losing my mind is I keep finding the same darned one again. I keep hoping to trade up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> How about you?

Speak Litlone, people here will listen to you, it just may take awhile.

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 10:57 PM: Message edited by: litlone ]</small>

Oh You are in trouble now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Someone with a story that they won't divulge. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> The crew will be here momentarily with the bamboo shoots (sp), and the thumb screws to pry it out of you.

Why be hateful, when honesty and a bit of care does so much better???? It lessens the load, allows feed back, and it feels good.

So what is troubling you Litlone?? You know the ladies here are NOT going to let you off the hook NOW. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I am just glad I am a guy and have strong enough survival instincts to know a post like that will bring them out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Organize your thoughts, your guestions, your goals, and where you want to be, and tell the folks here. They will help. You will get help from unlikely places here, very unlikely.

God Bless,

JL

PS: I was wrong once,then realized I had made a mistake and had been right all along. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ February 03, 2004, 07:04 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

Hi Litlone,
I too have stumbled and tripped over myself, ruffled a few feathers... I just keep trying. Heck, it's only a bunch of 1's and 0's, right... they, er we cant really hurt you... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I think practice makes perfect... give us a whirl... you have this JL's attention... that's a good thing... Did you SEE how many post JL has? Take care - Dru

edited to say... hey, this is my post #666... the evil post <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ February 03, 2004, 07:30 PM: Message edited by: Drucilla ]</small>

What did I miss?

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 10:58 PM: Message edited by: litlone ]</small>

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 10:59 PM: Message edited by: litlone ]</small>

litlone,

I was not trying to make you feel bad, just trying to clear the air, so to speak. I still feel that you should continue to post! Heck, my very first post was to a wonderful man who was on the boards to help as many people as he could(sort of like JL, not in and never had been in our situation). I tried, to no avail, to tear him apart, because he was telling my H that he should divorce me!(note my signature line, at that time I was the WS and expecting the OC) Now, if you want to be made to feel like a troll, you should go back(not sure how for my posts) and read my first post and Catnip's reply to me!!!! I tell you, it took quite a while to get her to warm up to me, but she has(it was probably my sharing the photos of my cat with her that did it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )

I think that what I am trying to say is that you should continue to post and express your feelings! There are so many here who have been through if not exactly what you are going through, it's similar enough that help is available if you only ask! One other thing, when venting about your situation, no matter what it is, don't hold back! It's a wonderful way to get the anger out, without love busting(LB) your H! I didn't feel you were stepping on toes or anything, just concerned about how you felt you were treated!

Hope to see more posts, and if I have advice to offer, I will post to you, I promise!

Tigger

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 11:00 PM: Message edited by: litlone ]</small>

litlone

No harm, no foul.

You have to remember we ALL say things we regret here on this site, especially in the early months when we are still very raw and very, very emotional. We are not "ourselves" after we experience trauma like we have all been through...and we find ourselves hyper-sensitive to things that never bothered us before.

I think compassion and understanding is the key initially, and that's why my feelings never get hurt by someone's words because I know that they are either misconstruing something said or reacting or over-reacting to a statement that has hit them the wrong way. And it's normal and predictable. In time this too shall pass.

We all have to give ourselves a break and not beat ourselves up emotionally during this time of crisis and realize that we are just reacting to stimuli, whether it be a perception or reality.

I had forgotten how tough I was on Tigger when she first came here because I never think of her as anything else than one of us in every sense, and haven't for years. I had forgotten how she first came here confused, struggling for answers and (I thought) making excuses, which explains the confrontations early on. But she had grit and I respected that, and she was willing to stick it out despite the "hazing" and dedicated herself to learning and applying the MB principles and rebuild her marriage. I have enormous respect and love for Tigger.

In the early days, I was aligned with a poster here called Bystander (anyone remember him?) who was very pragmatic and unemotional to the situations here on the board but was extremely well-versed on the family court system, the legalese and men's rights and who often encouraged BH's to divorce their WW. Kind of like Lynn's credo on BW's protecting themselves.

Bystander wasn't trying to be mean; his mission was to protect men whose wives had a child by OM and to encourage divorce to extract these men from liability for a child that was not theirs. Bystander's big thing was the grossly out of proportion income shares that were being extorted for child support from men who were not biologically responsible for their wive's offspring, just by circumstance of marriage. He was also a crusader for WH's who were forced to pay extraordinary CS (like my husband).

Bystander was our own "reference book" on CS law, CS and men's rights; an integral part of this site for a couple years, dispensing logical advice without emotion or judgment. I would sometimes get whipped into a frenzy over these injustices, especially mine, and would project my angst on any hapless FWS or FOW who dared to come here and refuse responsiblity and would beat them up in effigy. If it was an "unremorseful" OW who dared to come here and say horrific things to any vulnerable member, I shredded them and enjoyed every moment of it as I sat like a smug, satisfied cat, picking my teeth with the bones from their carcass. (Haha) I was awful.

I was Bystander's emotional side and completely dysfunctional, using my writing talents to annihilate rather than comfort and soothe. I obviously needed therapy.

I have a lot of shame for my behavior during my "breakdown" (for lack of a better word) and it is my obligation now to try to really examine what I read here and responsibly respond in kind without reading in my own biases into something someone else has written. That's why I usually respond with quotes to make sure I don't "bear false witness" against anyone and inaccurately accuse them of saying meaning things they have neither said nor meant. I want to get it right. I read things over on ther "other board" where there are just knee-jerk, hysterical reactions that are completely misconstrued and I wonder, "where the hell did they get that???" It is probably a good thing they have no way to "respond with quote" (and I don't know how to do it manually) over there or I would have had a field day. Besides, I have no business posting over there anymore than they have posting here and we all have to respect that on both sides.

Anyway, I digress.

Don't worry about anything you say here and don't stop posting. Whether you are speaking from an emotional standpoint or by your own convictions, your POV is so welcomed and needed. In a few months, you'll go back and read some of your earlier posts and see how much you've grown and healed...or regressed, I suppose. Anyway, it is a good benchmark to measure progress and very valuable to the healing process. I look back on my early posts from the spring of 1999 and I cringe. I can hardly stand to read them and recall the unbelievable pain I carried.

We do and say things, we behave in ways we don't recognize and are stunned we are capable of such ugly thoughts and feelings. But, they are normal, completely normal. In time, we accept these things in ourselves as just part of what we must go through in order to move up to another level of compassion and undestanding for ourselves and for others suffering.

Well, who put a nickle in me? Shut up, Catnip...shut up!!!!

<small>[ February 04, 2004, 09:46 AM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know I have posted some hateful things; intended for ow, and xow only.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">little trick for litlone?? Write: "VENT" at the begining of the post... you can get away with murder, here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . We've all screamed and typed so hard on the keyboard with tears streaming down our faces... we know sometimes you just got to get things off of your chest.

Close to my dday and in the height of my depression, 2oak, a nice guy and a WS, said something that struck me wrong... I lit into him like a woman possessed. Who was that woman? Fortunately, he's pretty resilient... I did apologize (although I think half-heartedly at the time... I was really in the dumps!). I'm thankful that I didnt get someone in a more frail state... I was lucky.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Most of the time I only speak out as a last resort.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope you mean just here, not like life, in general... that's not good. Take care - Dru

Litlone,

See I told you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> They are working on you, you are going to spill the beans soon. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Seriously, there is one key to venting that I have observed to work all of the time. VENT about YOUR situation. No broad generalities, just YOUR situation, and you will get few if anyone hurt. You will in fact get help from unexpect places.

This site is cool that way.

I told you, they are going to get you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Sooner or later, they will get that story out of you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

God Bless,

JL

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 11:05 PM: Message edited by: litlone ]</small>

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 11:06 PM: Message edited by: litlone ]</small>

Hi litlone,

I'm guessing from your last post, and the board, that your H had an A with his exW which produced an OC? Or you are just having trouble with his exW and his children who live with her?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, unfortunately, I'm almost 40 and still have trouble speaking my mind. But I'm getting better at it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think that is really ingrained... I've been speaking my mind and bossing people around since I was in diapers <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . Please dont feel bad that you are naturally quiet... As long as you speak when it counts, like standing up for your children and yourself, I wouldnt consider it a 'problem'... you know? Quiet people or introverts get a bad rap, and are made to feel guilty that they are not more outgoing... it's a shame. It's not wrong, it's just different.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I never took the chance (in person) to let her know how I felt about the whole mess.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me, I'd have no reason TO let her know. Just give her ammo to use against you, or to her advantage, later. I'd think: 'Screw her! She doesnt give a flip about me. I'm not tell her poop!'

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Tho' I did send her a few words via e-mail. Nothing nasty. Not even close to what I could or should have said. Just nice and to the point. That got her hackles up. She started cursing Me. When it should have been the other way around. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How did this make you feel? Were you upset, or just suprised? I'd have a stupid grin on my face as she yelled... then I'd look at her like she was a sad, pitiful person... that little thing you do with your mouth, like 'awwww.. poor dear'.

No skin off my nose if she yelled at me. But, I am especially 'thick skinned', especially if I know I am in the right or if I've written someone off as an idiot. Why would I care about THEIR opinion on anything?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She actually asked if I knew how to buckle the car seat in the car.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OK, She's an idiot... proceed with this knowledge in the front of your mind... every interaction with her... hear it with a 'I'm listening to an idiot' filter...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just worry that she'll show up. Maybe wait 'til I've had time to settle down and accept everything again; then boom! I feel if there is a next time, I won't be so nice.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of all the things to worry about, you NOT being so nice next time... that'd be pretty low on the list.

And you know what? If you tore her a new one, she wouldnt care, listen, or anything. It'd serve no good except as a VENT for you. It's not like she'd say, 'oh my, I've been so wrong... thank you!' <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> They never do this!

Vent here, or a little to your H IF he's sympathetic, but not to her. We dont want to give her the satisfaction of knowing she can push your buttons like that. Save that anger for something productive... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

And you know, she WILL show up again. It's bound to happen. But you cant live your life worried about what other people may or may not do... you'd miss a lot of good stuff if you did.

She'll show up, and ask for something. You and your H will decide if it is resonable or not, and you'll deal with it. Period. You've survived worse already... please dont let this fear affect your life... You probably have plenty of REAL things to worry about... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (house full of teens... I woundnt wish that on anyone! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ).

Your anxiety is pretty normal. I'd be concerned, but I'd put it on the list of all the other things this situation has you concerned about, and not give it too much of my mind.

How is recovery with your H, otherwise? Take care - Dru

<small>[ November 21, 2004, 11:08 PM: Message edited by: litlone ]</small>

{{{litlone}}}
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Their A started in 10/'02 and ended in 12/'02. OC was born 8/'03. Paternity and CS have been established. His second A. The first one a few years after we married, physical A only. He says this one was an emotional and physical affair.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So, you could not have known about this for very long... you must only be a few months into recovery. You poor dear, you really have been through so much...

You know, for a 2nd affair, I really would INSIST on MC and IC for him. I'd make that a condition of me staying in the marriage, but that's me. There are low cost options, if needed. How do you know you are safe? What has he learned?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">We were already applying some of the MB priciples in our marriage, even before I found this site. Our relationship is better now than it ever was.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is a really great statement... there are so many here who cannot even say that!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am working everyday to accept things and get on with life. Most days are good and then I'll get a little reminder of the affair. I spew about it a 'bit, and pick myself up 'til the next time. Life is mostly good now. We're headed in the right direction </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is the most we can hope for, right now. Good days, bad days... be nice to yourself on the bad days (I like to sneak out for a pedicure and some cheap champagne <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> )... Please try to get him in MC. Please take care - Dru