I am the OW. A man I was dating did not tell me he was married. In fact, he told me he had been divorced for a year and a half. One day he disappeared and wrote me a letter saying he was going to try to work things out with his wife. 3 months later he told me things didn't work out and he thought about me all the time. I found out I was pregnant and he disappeared again, disconnected numbers etc. I wasn't able to go through an abortion alone. I found out he was still married and have never been seperated let alone divorced. I tried so hard to be understanding but I was devistated and alone. I wrote him saying although I didn't approve of his actions he was always welcome to see his daughter. My pregancy counceler contacted him when the baby was born and he wanted to be responsible and pay child support but is to emotionally traumatized to hear about the baby. He said he doesn't want to tell his wife because she is going through so much he doesn't want to hurt her. She doesn't know about the affair or the baby. It's obviously not my place to interfer or tell her but for his sake isn't he making things worse by trying to hide it? He feels alone and won't talk to anyone. Is there any way to help him and support him fixing his marriage? I've moved on but he seems to be suffering to the point of depression and endless fear about this secret he is keeping.

<small>[ February 05, 2004, 03:56 PM: Message edited by: trustagain ]</small>

I would suggest that you do not interfere or even try to "support" him in any way. This is only my opinion but you should have NC unless absolutley necessary, even going so far as to hire a lawyer to handle everything.

It is not your responsibility to "help" him repair his marriage. He knows what he is doing. Leave him alone and go on with your life. Get CS if you want but let the lawyers and the courts deal with that.


None of this is "fair" but it's done now. His marriage is his business and no matter what you or I think of the way he handles it, it will not serve any purpose for you to get involved in any way now.

Avoiding him @ all costs is the best way you can help his marriage. If he contacts you, hang up and let your lawyer handle it. This will protect you from any unwanted advances and from being any further source of contention in his marriage.

Just focus on taking care of your baby.

Take care.

I agree leave him/them alone. Sounds like he is horrifed at what he has done in creating this child. Sounds like he is willing to suffer to aviod hurting his wife. Leave them alone.

As a BW, I would rather know of the A. I say, tell the wife. Give her, her choices back. I certainly wish I had known, at a much earlier date in time, about my H's exOW and 2OC's. I would have thought it a kindness if anyone would have let me know, even anonymously, of my H's affair. I am only speaking for myself.

Some of the responses seem to favor secrecy, and never giving the wife her choices back, because that is up to her H.

I do not know how any marriage is "real", when so much deception takes place. I am surprised some on this board would rather keep the wife in darkness because the truth must come from their H's.

I would have appreciated the truth, way back when, from anyone.

At least this would give the wife her choices back.

ember

IMHO it is not your place to tell wife nothing thats her husband job.

Don't focus on him or his marriage...that's his life and his struggles. Do get yourself a good lawyer and get CS and such settled in a court of law. This is your child's rights and you need to protect those rights.

Rather he ever steps up to the plate and faces life head on is his choice. I would think that having this type of "sword" over his head would be reason for depression, fear, and possibly anger at life, you, and himself (where it actually belongs). The less you are dragged into his problems...the better.

I agree with kt...go into NC as much as possible to avoid being confused by his conflicting actions/words. You're moving on with your life and making a home for your child...that is where your focus should be.

May God guide you down life's paths and give you wisdom and courage.

The following are just my own opinions and observations.

It's one thing to have known all along that MM was married, but to HONESTLY believe that MM was always single is quite another. It pretty much absolves you of any guilt, IMO.

Sue for the CS that your child is entitled to. By suing for CS, his W will find out all in good time to make her choices. I agree with the general consensus here that it is not your place to tell her anything. Let the attorney send the torpedo.

And, Ember, it has nothing to do with "secrecy" and no one is trying to "keep BW in the dark" except the H. It's H's place to fess up, or for BW to find out through the natural process of consequences. The BW can make her choices when she hears the horrible news from the attorney that there is an OC and there will be 18 years of CS added to the monthly budget because her husband was a deceptive snake living a double life.

Any man pretending to be single to score with some woman who would otherwise spurn his advances because he is married is the worst kind of man...THAT'S a coward, because he knows that any woman of substance would NEVER become involved with him under any circumstances if she knew the truth.

On the other hand, the run-of-the-mill MM-WS who gets involved with a willing or equally aggressive OW who knew ahead of time he was married is every bit as cowardly as the WS because she doesn't have the courage or the confidence to map out a future with someone available. JMO.

I get so weary of reading that tired old mantra how the WS-MM is such a coward when he has done the bravest thing by returning to his family and facing the horrible consequences of everyone he knows feeling differently about him. The irony in all of it is that the OW are so outraged that the MM returned to his family, the only thing she can say about him is that he is a spineless coward when in reality, he just plain doesn't care that much about her or the OC in comparison to his own family. And I'm not trying to be mean, it's just the reality. In most cases, he just doesn't care anymore than the OW cared that he was married and that her actions would hurt a BW. It's pretty much the laws of karma, I suppose.

Go for CS and let the natural consequences take care of everything else, including D-Day.

catnip,,,,,,,,,,

...........................
when he has done the bravest thing by returning to his family and facing the horrible consequences of everyone
...............................
i agree whole heartedly with this statement. one of the things that helped me me start reconnecting with fh was that she was willing to go to family functions (on my side) and face whatever they had in store. my family is quite large ( easy 50 - 60 for a thanksgiving or christmas). fortunetly no one bached her. and i knew they wouldn't as told me they would just follow my lead on things.

This is such a tough position for you to be in.
I did not find out about my H's A and OC until 10 years later, and I saw FOW and OC almost everyday during these years because she was my best friend. Our daughter's are 3 months apart and they are best friends.
I wish someone, ANYONE had told me the truth. For 10 years I believed my H was someone he was not. I thought he was a faithful and honest husband. Now I feel like 10 years of my life, 10 years of my memories have been robbed from me. My whole perception and reality has been forever altered.
I can't tell you the pain that I still have in my heart for being lied to for soooooo long.
I don't even know who I am anymore.

Hanging in There...you break my heart. I am so, so very sorry.

Love

Cat =^^=

Hanging, I empathize with you. My H's affair was 10, or 12 years long with two OC. I also had a very good friend, who knew, and betrayed me also.

You stated that sometimes, you do not know who you are anymore. I can relate. How much pain can a person withstand?

Sometimes, I feel this must be God's test.

I couldn't agree with your statement more, of anyone having told you the truth. How I wished anyone, even anonomously, would have let me know.

I am so sorry for your hurt.

ember

God's test... I think I failed it...
I am, or I WAS a Christian. Now I am not sure what I believe in anymore. What's the point? I have always been an honest person. A good person. A faithful person.
But what did being this way ever get me?
Just unbelievable pain.

It ain't right.

To Ember & Hanging in there... I want to ask didn't you feel something was wrong? Me, my vibes would have told me something. Now whether I choose to ignor the signs is a different story. In my situation whenever my H was cheating, I felt it strongly and wasn't wrong in what I was feeling (gut instinct). I became a detective.
Sorry you had to go through this.

hit,,,,,,,, i was very sorry to see your post. please remember that Christ had nothing to do with the deception and lies your h and frind garnished you with.

.............................
I have always been an honest person. A good person. A faithful person
...............................
and you still ARE all of these things.

i and probably almost everyone else that has been put in this situation by a loved one has most likely thought the same way you are feeling. that "what is the use and why did God let this happen to me" feeling. please remember that God didn't do this to you, your h and friend did. the one bad thing that God did for us all if you have to pick something is He gave us free will. some of us choose the right road to follow and some of us fall into temptation an choose the wrong path.

it is what we choose to do with our own personal lives after such tragedies have found their way into our lives that matters. we can just say to hell with it all and turn into careless, self centered individuals bent on revenge and ultimately our own self distruction because that is not who we are inside, OR, we can choose to look to the Lord, our family and friends for support and hold our heads up high knowing that we will survive this nightmare thru because wecan tell the difference between right and wrong along with compassion and forgiveness (not forgetfulness).

i hope you realize exactly how strong you are to even be here looking for answers and help with dealng with this quagmire yor h has put you in. if you were to step back and look in the miror you would see an individual with the heart of a lion.

MALC, since you asked.

I remember a Phil Donahue program from 20 years ago. There were a panel of guests, consisting of 5 women who had discovered their H's had another family that they never knew existed. They all found out in different ways, and were completely shocked. At that time, being much younger, and very smug, I thought, "How could they not know? Are they stupid or what?" Here my own H was having an affair at that time, unbeknownst to me. (I will never be so judgemental again. Nothing like be humbled to the limit.)

I can honestly say, I really had no idea. There were no signs. My H was very clever to leave no signs. I found out quite by accident, after the A was already over for 4 years.

For over 10 years of my life, my perspective has changed of all my memories.

In recovery since 1996. No contact since 1996.

ember

I'm really sorry that you had to encounter your H betrayal. For me I just felt it in my heart something was wrong. I can remember reading something somewhere, I can't recall where, if it was this board or another board about the signs of someone who having an affair. After looking at what was written about signs of cheating, it only validated what I had already been feeling. In my case the signs were surely there. I don't see you as being smug for asking a question IMHO. I pray all will be well with you Ember.

All is well with me. I am very happy that I stayed in my marriage. I am very fortunate.

ember

I see great hope in that statement , that you are happy you stayed in your marriage. I want to feel like that also, but I think I am just too emotional and messed up right now. It has been almost six months since H told me about it, and I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking of it. It is still so mind boggling.

Yes, I know all about God's will and what a good thing it is... but I am just pouting right now...

I never had a clue about my H and my best friend. Never knew this child that I saw everyday was his. I have pictures of my friend and I standing pregnant, belly-to-belly, posing for pictures, laughing together. It is still so unbelievable to me. How I could not have known. Even her H knew and didn't tell me. If I had known, I certainly would not have allowed that woman to remain in my life as my best friend.

I sometimes try to imagine what she was feeling? How did she keep this secret? I will never get answers from her. I can't stand being around her now, and she is so hurtful. On the day I confronted her with this, she said to me how appropriate, that I should come and talk to her on this day, because "it is 10 years to the day since OC was conceived." It was horrible. I know she will just try to justify her actions and that I will never get the truth. After speaking with her for about 15 minutes, I had to ASK her if she was sorry. Talk about not knowing who I am, I never KNEW who she was either...

I know this is off topic, but thank you for letting me share and for listening.

I am still,
~hangin' in there~

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Hangin'InThere:

I have pictures of my friend and I standing pregnant, belly-to-belly, posing for pictures, laughing together.

I sometimes try to imagine what she was feeling? How did she keep this secret? I will never get answers from her.

Here's a book that may help you understand your "friend".

People Of The Lie by M. Scott Peck.

The book discusses evil people.

Your "friend" is evil.

Once you read this book, you will have some clarity.

Until you understand evil peolpe you cannot fathom what they were thinking.... they are completely narcissistic.

I highly recommend this book for you. It may help you healing in some ways.

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by pops:
<strong> catnip,,,,,,,,,,

...........................
when he has done the bravest thing by returning to his family and facing the horrible consequences of everyone
...............................
i agree whole heartedly with this statement. one of the things that helped me me start reconnecting with fh was that she was willing to go to family functions (on my side) and face whatever they had in store... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, but it sounds like this guy has not faced any consequences since he has not even returned to his marriage with radical honesty.

He sounds like he's doing further damage to his marriage because when/if his wife does find out about the OC, she will realize that the past (however long?) has been all LIES...

Dontcha think?

Maybe it is not OW's place to tell the BS about the OC that the WS helped create... But I do agree that OC deserves CS from the WS, at least...

BS's never have any choices in these matters. WS takes away all choices from their BS's when WS's go out and have affairs...