My h has a 2y old oc. We have attempted visitation in court three times, but ow keeps going to court saying she has move 1000 miles away. ow will let h see child if at her home or at my home if i am not home. I told h on d-day that i did not feel comfortable with that. so h went to court. well, ow told court she did not want child around me because she feels her child is in danger. when the court did not go for that she told the court that i told her i would hurt oc. each time we go to court h sees child for one or two weeks then whenever I come with husband to drop oc off. ow disappears and we don't see oc for months. ow recently told h that she hates him wishes he would die and she prays to god that he dies. I do know if i want to deal with a person like that and it seems she may be the one who may cause harm to the oc. She has told lies on me taunts me because she has a girl and h and I have 6 boys.

Sounds like she is selfish and playing games. I can't believe that she told your h that. You should get an attorney to handle her. It sounds as if that is your only way to resolve this. Also, as part of his family you have every right to see that child with him. She has to prove your unfit. Maybe you should hire a PI to get her where abouts? I'm sorry your having to go through this.

h hired an attorney last january and was granted visituation, but ow told court she was relocating and they went for it did not aski any prrof or anything. we h recently went back to court for visituation to prove that she live less then a mile from us. the court told him to come back with an attorney. It hard to pay a attorney, pay her child support and take care of our own children The ow says that the oc deserves the cs, but does feel my h deserves visituation. we don't really need a private eye, because we see her or evidence that she lives here everyday. we ride pass her house everyday on the way to our children school.

There is legal aide too. Maybe you can get some pictures of her car etc., to prove she lives a mile away. He has a right to see the child. She can't have it both ways.

You have options. You are not trapped.


1) hire a lawyer. costs more $$$ but handles all the stress for you.

2) do it yourself. there are many web sites where you can download and print legal forms and instructions for free. Look up the court your case is in and search their site. usually free but more effort on your part.

3) hire a paralegal to prepare the paperwork. It costs less than a lawyer but you represent yourself.

4)STOP the madness by ending all C / OW and OC. free and the stress is relieved.

You and your H need to decide together what you want to do. Decide what would be the best option for your family and then create a plan on how to achieve that goal.

Make a decision and take control. STOP letting OW control your lives.

thanks kt for the advise,
my h and I lived together for 2 years before oc was born. we were married a month before oc turn 1. OW really started to play games once the marriage was out, because she found out in court. she told my h that he is never going to bond with the child and never going to see the oc. our entire 1st year of marriage was pure hell because it was filled with going back and forth to court with ow. The only thind that has come out of the court appearances is that h is paying more cs. I continue to tell h that we should concentrate on marriage and worry about oc when things are more stable with our family. He agrees and then a few months go by and ow sends more cs papers and then it is back on again. I know the oc is important too, but he made a choice to marry me, so I feel our marriage and children in our home are more important. I hope I am not wrong in suggesting that he put off contact for now. please help.

lisaem, I cannot piece your story together. Could you clarify? You lived with your H before you married him. You knowingly married him after knowlege of his affair and OC. But, do both of you have C together? Before or after the marriage?

I am just trying to understand full situation.

I am sorry you are hurting. If I were you, I would never let H be alone with OW, ever. All contact should include you by your H's side.

Your OW sounds like she still wants your H. She also sounds somewhat immature.

Have visitation set up with NC between your H, or OW.

Please let us know how things are going.

Wishing you well.

ember

ember, let me clarify my situation for you. H and I have been together for 8 years, married for 1 year. we have two children together b6, b5.
we moved together after being together 4 years. I have 3 c from previous marriage b21, b13, and b11. I found out OC April 2001 oc was 6 weeks old. I spoke with ow that day and she expressed she told H that she did not want oc around me because I might hurt oc because she was a girl and I could not give H a girl. I expressed to OW that yes I wanted a girl, but I am thankful that god bless me with children period. I allow H to take our children to see oc, but felt that was a mistake and decided not to allow that again. Because visituation at her home ended ow thought that I was forbidding H from seeing oc. So the H gave me ow number and we talk. It was apparent that ow had feeling for H and wanted to be with him. So I explained to other that I am only still with H because he express he wanted to be with me and his family and not with her and the oc. I explained we have a certain way that we deal with my exH and kids and her situation was not doing to able any different. ow got real mad and just started telling all of her dirty deep secrets about the affair with her and H. I just listened because when the conversation first started out she said "OH HE DOES NOT LIE TO ME BECAUSE HE ARE FRIENDS". After listening to her talk about H and tell all of the things he confided in her. I came to the conclusion that she was not his friend at all because I real would never do that. After telling H all the things she told me h decided to cut all contact ow. but she continued to call his cell phone with demands that the child had a dr and she wanted him to take the child, trying to get h to come to dr appointments with her and those were some of things we talked about hime not doing because we did not do that with my exH. ow first stated she did not want cs, but h still sent an agreed upon amount and bought over $1,500 of baby furniture for oc. ow would call to request H to put child on his insurance, becuase she was moving out of town. when H asked for proof she told him to court for more cs. H when countered that with filing paper work for visituation, because ow was only willing to let oc come to house when I was not home. H continued to talk calls from ow during my work hours and I did not feel comfortable I told H to let call go to her voice and call back when I can be present, but by accident he kept answering her calls. So I felt H was confessed and needed to made a decision whether he was going to keep playing ow games or work on our family. So I left the home and got my own place. H(then Just in live) begged me to come back. He proposed and I accepted. BUt before we were married we set down some ground rules. I was hurt about OC, but never wanted H not to see OC. One of the ground was were visituation had to go through the courts and oc had to visit at our house . so before we married we file paperwork for visituation. The court date was 4 days after we were married. ow found out about the marriage in court. after life has been hell. Someone may say why I would marry he after oc. Well, my boys had already suffered losing their dad through divorce and I did not want to raise my other boys in a single family home and I loved my then boyfriend, Just was much as married woman could have her H. So I hope that cleared that up. other set in court and said she feared for her child and did not want the child around me. the court did not go for that and granted visituation anyway. But I the weekends when I was home ow always come up with a reason why oc could not to visit. she would try to reschedule visits when I was at work. I told h no, if oc can't come on regular visit days then don't get her. because if my exH spouse can get my boys on regular visit days he just waits for the next visit day, ow then took H back to court the more cs and stated she was getting married and moving 1000 miles away. H agreed to allow her to take oc, but with summer and some holiday visits. no matter what H agreed on ow would change her mind until the judge put a end it and gave H summers and holidays. Trick was ow never moved anywhere, is not married and still does not allow H to see ow. ow filed for more cs and H filed for visituation once again. I am getting tired because I feel they are playing the cs vs. visituation game. ow told H at last court date I will never see the child and she does not care what the court says. that is my whole conplicated story. sorry it was so long ember.

You are not wrong for wanting to put your marriage first.

It sounds like OW has already made teh decision for you and your H regarding visitation and you have let her so just let go.

If she is breaking a court ordered vistitation schedule then call the police and get it documented. You have allowed it to become more stressful by not handling it all legally and going through the proper channels. After you have police records on file of OW denying access to the OC, breaking a court order, then you can go to court and file contempt of court charges against her.

If you both decide to continue on the C rollercoaster do NOT miss any scheduled visits EVER, for any reason. Go together to p/u OC WIT court order in hand and call police if H is denied. Document everything.

IF you decide to continue to allow OW to choose NC, then get on with your life and just pay the CS your H is obligated to. Have lawyer set up that OW is NOT to ever C your family (written in a court order) and if she does, then again you can file contempt of court charges for breaking the court order.

These are the only ways to gain some sort of peace in your life.

I'm sure you will admit that you and H have made some dumb choices in your life, everybody has, but it looks like you are trying to do the right thing now.....so take some action and do it. YOu need to protect your kids and your marriage FOR your kids. NO one else will. Don't expect OW to care about you or your family, that is your job.

You will find support here whether you choose C or NC and for your marriage. Talk it over with your H and figure out what the best position to take is and start doing it. I know it is not easy but you have your marriage and family at stake here, do NOT let someone else rob you of that, you have to make some choices to protect yoru family and keep it intact. I know how tiring it is to go back and forth to court and hearing after hearing, so if you start lining yourselves up, with everything legal and documented it will save you from having more hassle and playing more OW games in the future.

Take a stand, you can do it.

lisa, k has some really great pointers.

At one time in your post, you said your H wanted no contact. Now he does? What made him change his mind again? Why would your H still accept cell calls from OW? Only speaking for myself, I would never let my H have contact with OW, C, or NC.

Your OW does sound immature.

Do you and your H believe in POJA? I think this is definetely an issue you both have to agree with.

Do not play OW's silly games. I agree with putting your marriage and healing first.

ember

if a man doesn't pay his cs he is in contempt of court. if a woman doesn't allow you the court ordered visitation then she is in contempt of court.

if you have to hire a private investegator for a few hours to get pictures and proof from a third party that she is still in town. they should cost about $75 an hour. since you know where she lives simply watch her house to get an idea of her schedule to give the pi to help cut his time spent.

take the proof to an attorney and take her back to court for contempt. or maybe the attorney can just supena her work records or have another less expensive way to prove her residency. she should also be able to be charged with perjury since everything said in court is usually under oath.

thanks guys for your support,
I really want my marriage to work, but really feel guilty about oc not having H in her life on a regular basis. but we found out ow has a pattern of keeping her children from their fathers. OW has 18 year OC and when that father choose his family she did the same thing to him. That child is now 18 and never had a relation with his father because ow played the same games with him. Acourse we found out this information from another party after OC was a year old. OW told H that he had a wonderful relationship with other oc father, but stopped it because of the lifestyle he lead. The other oc father took her to court, but just got fed up and went on with his life and other children. when oc became of age he wanted to know his father, but ow had put so much carp in his head, he had a chip on his shoulder when he met his father.

Times have changed since even 10 years ago let alone 18. Maybe it's time your h put a stop to her games with these kids. If you think it's worth it do what it takes to prove her wrong about everything and find her in contempt. LynnG has a lien on her xow's house for her crap......maybe it will take something to that extreme.