Albany,

I am just wondering how you are doing. You seem to have dropped out of site.

I think that one thing newbies need to know is that they shouldn't just start their own threads. They should chime in on other people's threads. The response you get here comes from building a relationship with other posters. If you feel you are too new and don't have much to offer, just a little bit of empathy on another's post can be enough to get the ball rolling.

Thanks for checking on me. Just haven't been in the mood to post. My H is completely at a loss and he really thinks adoption for this OC would be the best but of course this OW 20 years old can't take a step back and see what a nightmare she is creating--but then again why would you if you got pregnant on purpose--which it looks like she did. When asked if she was even taking birth control that my H made her an appointment for she won't answer--also she had been living with a guy who beat on her before my H knew her and she managed never to get pregnant.

My H is overwhelmed says he feels so guilty and unworthy of being with us--myself and our 2 yr. old son that he can't all of this and so he decided he needed to escape and figure things out. He said he wasn't happy and I said yes that is true because you made a mess of things and you ultimately aren't happy with yourself and moving out is going to make you any happier.

So he moved out and this Friday will be two weeks and he hasn't really made any progress with OW and he wants her to have a plan--I don't think she wants a plan and she is just jerking his chain and in my opinion he just needs to make a plan for himself because she obviously didn't care enough about him to prevent this--I think if you really loved someone you would never get pregnant on purpose or not consider things such as adoption--she only cares about herself--if she really cared about this child she would realize that adoption would be the best for the unborn child.

I'm just really hurt and frustrated--being at home by myself and taking care of our son--I did start seeing our MC again ans she scolded me for us stopping seeing her when he told me OW was pregnant and I said I know we should have kept coming. Have an appt. this week withMC and H said he would try and come--I think he doesn't want to because that would mean he would have tell someone what he has done and he is really not wanting to--said he just wants to curl up in a hole--that he can't fix this mistake he made.

All thoughts and words encouraged.

Also he told me not to give up on him that he loves our son and me and really misses being at home and he has found he it isn't any better being alone.

Albany

Albany,

I agree with your thinking, that your H can't fix this problem, no matter where he is living! Unfortunately, your H has to see that trying to work with the OW about the pregnancy isn't helping your M! What he needs to do right now is concentrate on you and your M. To use an old phrase, he can't see the forest for the trees right now! He's put himself so deep into the forest of "Look what I've done, now what do I do?" that he can't see what his actions(past and present) are doing to his family!

I say that you should just continue to show your H your love right now. Having been both the WS and BS, I can see and understand most of both sides. I see, in his actions, that he hurts for what he's done to you and your S. He wants to make it better, but just doesn't know how. In my case, on D-day and for about a week after, I kept asking my H if he wanted me to leave, and that if he did, I wouldn't fight him for the kids! Obviously, he said stay, and I did, and now, we are almost 4 years after D-day! Keep showing your love, and support, but don't let it make you feel like you are being taken advantage of either.

You and your S should be first in your H's life, or your M won't work. Have you printed, or read any of the questionares on the site? If not, I would recommend that you do, and get a copy to your H. This is something that you both need to work on. Yes, it will be you doing most of the work in the beginning, but you can get your H involved, and as he sees the growth in you, he will add to it with his own growth! Your M will become stronger than it was before!

Having been in both your's and your H's shoes, I hate to see another M that's been touched by an A. It's too bad that it took an A to realize that there's a big problem in your M, or to make either party open their eyes to the problem!

Tell your H that you want to work on making your M stronger, and even though these current problems were all caused by your H's behaviour, don't point fingers. Create a united front, and you will not only get closer to eachother, but you will both be stronger in the process!

I hope that I've made sense and have helped in some way! Good luck and God bless!

Tigger

Glad to hear from you.

Have you read the materials on this site? Do you know about Plan A and Plan B?

How about your marriage counselor? Does she have a plan for you to follow? Is she familiar with the Harley plans? If not, what is her plan to help you both restore your marriage?

I hope that you are hanging in there emotionally and that you have a good support group around you.

Maybe your H could benefit from coming to this site. This time before the birth of the OC could be well-used to repair your marriage if he is willing. Worry about what OW is going to do about this pregnancy (keep or adopt) is sort of pointless right now, because the real truth of it is that she is going to do whatever she feels like doing and that she thinks is best for her. It might just be best for your H to assume the worst, that she is going to keep the child and he is going to be paying support for 20 years. With that assumption in place, where does he want to spend the next 20 years, and the rest of his life? With a wife who is giving strong indications of being able to forgive and forge a new and stronger marriage or with the ninny OW?

MJ

Okay everyone I really need any advice and support available.

I have posted about my H and I being apart during last summer due to him thinking he didn't want to be married anymore--he loved me but wasn't in love with me--we have 2yr. old son-he returned to our relationship in November and told in Dec. that OW was pregnant--went downhill after holidays.

At the end of January he decieded to move out--things weren't working he said and he wasn't happy.

Most of February he spent at our jount home--staying the night etc. Thought that he was trying to sort it all out.

If I act as if it is all fine and nothing is happening and don't ask about "us"--our marriage than he is fine. When I ask he says he is still done and when I ask why he comes over he says because he doesn't want to be alone.

Last night he came over to see our son--doesn't ever want to take him to his apartment--stays at our house to see him and makes himself at home--he asked me why I was said and I said because I'm losing you and he said he is still going to be around and we are still friends--wE ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN BEST FRIENDS OUR ENTIRE MARRIAGE. That isn't enough for him--he says he is content with us but doesn't want to settle and states that loving someone and being in love is different--our MC says in love is the new state of mind when first in relationship.

So what should I do--more than anything I want my marriage to work.

He isn't going to MC right now said he might think about it for next week.

Please respond--this whole thing has been an awful experience.

Albany

MaryJanes quote: I think that one thing newbies need to know is that they shouldn't just start their own threads. They should chime in on other people's threads. The response you get here comes from building a relationship with other posters. If you feel you are too new and don't have much to offer, just a little bit of empathy on another's post can be enough to get the ball rolling.
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I am a newbie here & did post my own thread last month after replying to a few posts, I did that because I wanted some words of wisdom, advice, & encouragement on my own problem. I don't have a lot to offer anyone, only to share my story at this point.

Just my own opinion but maybe a newbie does need to put his/her story out there to get some feedback, I would think that would help bonding with other posters as well. I didn't think that was a problem & I am glad I did start my own thread & more importantly that I found this site, just wish I had found it sooner.

MaryJanes quote: I think that one thing newbies need to know is that they shouldn't just start their own threads. They should chime in on other people's threads. The response you get here comes from building a relationship with other posters. If you feel you are too new and don't have much to offer, just a little bit of empathy on another's post can be enough to get the ball rolling.
***********************************************

I am a newbie here & did post my own thread last month after replying to a few posts, I did that because I wanted some words of wisdom, advice, & encouragement on my own problem. I don't have a lot to offer anyone, only to share my story at this point.

Just my own opinion but maybe a newbie does need to put his/her story out there to get some feedback, I would think that would help bonding with other posters as well. I didn't think that was a problem & I am glad I did start my own thread & more importantly that I found this site, just wish I had found it sooner.

MaryJanes quote: I think that one thing newbies need to know is that they shouldn't just start their own threads. They should chime in on other people's threads. The response you get here comes from building a relationship with other posters. If you feel you are too new and don't have much to offer, just a little bit of empathy on another's post can be enough to get the ball rolling.
***********************************************

I am a newbie here & did post my own thread last month after replying to a few posts, I did that because I wanted some words of wisdom, advice, & encouragement on my own problem. I don't have a lot to offer anyone, only to share my story at this point.

Just my own opinion but maybe a newbie does need to put his/her story out there to get some feedback, I would think that would help bonding with other posters as well. I didn't think that was a problem & I am glad I did start my own thread & more importantly that I found this site, just wish I had found it sooner.

Albany,

I don't know how much help I can be but I can tell you that you should pray, for your H, your S & yourself.

I have endured separation, 8 months long, my H went to live w/ OW, during that time we "dated" talked more than we did when we lived together, now that he is home, he doesn't want to talk about M, says that is all we talk about, we have a lot of unresolved issues though w/ OC & OW. It was so hard to endure separation, & him being back home is not much better. All I can say is try to keep calm, communication open & not push, at the same time don't just go for anything, it is really hard to do, especially when you are not under the same roof.

I will pray for you, sorry I didn't have better advice, I am sure someone else will.

Take care of yourself & your baby. Things will get better <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by albany:
<strong> If I act as if it is all fine and nothing is happening and don't ask about "us"--our marriage than he is fine. When I ask he says he is still done and when I ask why he comes over he says because he doesn't want to be alone.

Last night he came over to see our son--doesn't ever want to take him to his apartment--stays at our house to see him and makes himself at home-- </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So everything is fine if it is going HIS way?

You don't have to put up w/ this to stay married. It's nice that he visits w/mson @ son's home so there is no stress of going back and forth but....

This is only my opinion, but....if H is not living in the home then it is no longer "our"/"his" home. I would rearrange the furniture, move any left overs of his out to the garage, somewhere out of the house. Start decorating it like only YOU have ever wanted. If he's there to see son then after son goes to bed say good bye. YOu can enjoy a family dinner, nice conversation but then good bye, go home. SO he can see what it is really like and that you can go on with out him.

He made this choice to move out right? Then it's not his right to still "feel at home" or make himself "at home". It will be his home again when he is committed to his/your marraige and moves back in.

Make it look like it's you and son's home not "his" home. You can be pleasant still, desirable even but you enjoy being on your own, for now, if you don't then act like you do. Make plans for just you and your son, no need to tell him or invite him. Then son can tell daddy all about the fun he's having and daddy is missing.

Look nice, wear make-up, whatever makes you feel good about yourself. You are attractive and other's will start to notice. Of course you want your H to notice and he will but he will notice that you are not just looking nice for him anymore.

Does he come over unannounced or does he call first. Maybe you had plans that night or were fixing dinner, just for son and you not enough for 3 that you weren't expecting. Do you understand? Always be pleasant and gracious, nothing mean or harsh. Let H know if one of htese occasions presents itself that it's nothing "personal" it's just that you already had plans.....whatever it is.

Make him realize everything he is MISSING!

Treat yourself good too. Maybe you need H to "babysit" because you have plans, get a manicure or a pedicure, you don't have to entertain him. He's coming over to visit son, great, it can give you some time for yourself, since he doesn't want to talk anyway why sit around w/ him when there's nothing to talk about?

Is this plan A? I'm not sure but this is my advice, for what it's worth.

We're here for you, whenever you need.

See I told you someone would give you good advice, sounds like a plan to me, H is having it all right now & that is not right.

Let him know what he is missing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thank you for the responses. I asked H to take son Friday night to apt. I believe if I stay at home and act like all is fine he will stay but I'm thinking I had better make plans to go out so he has to wonder. He states that he doesn't want me to be with anyone else.

So tell me anyone what do you think about I love you, we are best friends, and I care about you but I'm not in love with you.

Also, came home two days ago and he was fixing dinner for myself and our son. Strange???

What about I'm not happy with you but then he spends a lot of time with me. I would rather be alone then be with someone that supposedly makes me unhappy--he says he comes and stays because he doesn't want to be alone.

Truthfully I think he wants to be with us but doesn't have a clue what makes him happy or he is happier than he realizes and he talks about feeling guilty for the OW and her getting pregnant when he is at home with us. I say get over the guilt and learn to deal with it all and don't take it out on me or our son because we didn't create the guilt.

Seems like he wants to pretend she isn't pregnant and seems that running is easier then staying and facing everything and trying to make it work.

I don't think one can run forever and guilt will follow if it isn't resolved.

Albany <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Albany,

Sounds to me like the classic case of "I want to have my cake & eat it to!"

Seeems like your H gave himself an out so to speak by telling you he is not in love with you, but loves you & also by not living with you, but being there as much as possible. He is putting you in limbo, I know my H did it to me, said he didn't want a divorce but when I put him out he went to live w/ OW immediately. The whole time he was not home, we "dated".

I tried to have no contact with him but he didn't want that, so I ended up playing this game with him for 8 months, not being available when he wanted to be with me, it was very tiring. I hate to see you do through that.

Your H will come by & stay in your life just enough so that you can't think of moving on, he knows you love him, in the meantime he is "free" to see OW, while you sit at home & pine for him. I wouldn't start that if I were you. It will set the stage for lots of problems down the road.

Now is the time to be talking about what is going to happen w/ OC & contact w/ OW, legal stuff etc. That is my opinion anyway, hope this helps.

I am praying for you, I know how you feel. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

He isn't seeing the other women--see doesn't want anything to do with him now because he had came home to make our marriage work. She wants him to pay CS but not see the child--that is all going to be a battle.

He was suppose to come by last night after he got off work--never called never showed haven't talked to him since Wednesday night.

I really miss him and love him--he has meant the world to me for a long time.

Albany <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

albany,

"So tell me anyone what do you think about I love you, we are best friends, and I care about you but I'm not in love with you."

Classic fog talk.


I want you to read this old thread..very enlightening and sometimes funny if it wasn't all so darn sad..

Whats the most ridiculous thing your WS said?

So I read the thread and yes--we know they all say conflicting things.

I think it is a bunch of crap the I love you but I'm not in love with you--what do others think?

So my next question up for feedback is--he is suppose to take our son to his apt. tonight keep him over night etc.--have a sneaky felling that if I hang around my house tonight he will just stay with him there.

Ktbunch thought that I should go out and things for myself etc.--to show what he is missing--which I agree with but have a really hard time doing.

Do you think that tonight I should make it a point to go out to a friends or something so that he has to take our son to his apt.--which I know he hates because our son doesn't do well in unknown surroundings???

Just wanting more thoughts/advice.

Albany <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

So OW says all she wants is CS? I hope that is true, sounds like she is ready to play games already, she really expects to get CS while H has NC? If that is what he wants to, then no problem, but most likely OW wants to cause problems cause she is most likely feeling really dumb right now & wants to hurt you both.

I know you love your H, we all do or we wouldn't be here on this site. All I was saying is I hope for your sake games don't start w/ your H trying to keep you waiting on him while he decides how your life will turn out, it is not fair.

Hope you hear from him soon.

Hello Albany.
Boy oh boy your story is SO familiar! I was there for about 5 months of separation from my H also.

My H wanted to come over at his liesure, do stuff with the kids (with me, not alone with them).. wanted to still sleep with me... wanted to keep tabs on me and show up if I dared not asnwer the phone all day or night.... was NOT seeing anyone and I as also NOT to see anyone during our separation. Problem is, that he would do the same things you are stating and this worries me-- he would say he was coming over, or we would make plans and he would break them a lot...

This process is more heartbreaking than the A itself, I swear. It prolongs and worsens the initial blows and it will NOT stop honey until...

YOU DO WHAT KT is saying!!!! I know how terribly hard it is to hide your sadness and emotions and to pretend you don't want to talk about the marriage all the time-- it is pure torture. And I know that this is the man you are married to and WHY should you have to resort to games and acting when you are adults and you shouldn't have to...

HOWEVER

I swear to you I finally after months had to impliment this plan-- I didn't answer calls to him and acted busy-- I painted the whole house in bright girlish colors.. I put all of his clothes in the spare closet.. I forced myself to go out with friends and hang out with family even when I had zero desire or energy! I made myself apper to be over him and to have so many plans that I barely cared if he called anymore.

BINGO!! This man took exactly 2 weeks for this man to realize he WAS LOSING HIS "OPTION" to be with me whenever he wanted... he was FORCED to believe that I MAY be interested in another guy or just plain getting over him! He didn't last very long at all-- and most of them don't- as soon as they have the scare of their life realizing that they are at risk, FINALLY of losing this person that really does mean everything to them, but that they are just spoiled and selfish to take a real look at.

He wants to be at your place with your son because he wants the comforts of home, the comforts of mommy being there to help care for and to cushion him -- and to help entertain your son. He is telling you directly that he doesn't want to be alone. That is total BULL - thats selfish and you don't deserve that! Take his comforts away- make him see what he is losing.

It is very common for men/women to stay and wish they could be best friends and just have companionship and comfort without wanting to be faithful and be a loving partner also. If that is all he wants then he is, bottom line, just using you. Things will not change- they will not get better - he will continue this unless and until you change it, or I am sorry to say- if he meets someone else. There is also a chance - and I hate to say this to you so much- that he is still involved with the OW or someone else and he is pulling the wool over your eyes. It happened to me and in fact during our separation is when OW became pregnant. Our pre-affair separation enabled him to in fact meet the OW, have sex with her and with me, and to keep me in his cluthches for security and make sure I was still around to be his part-time wife when it suited him.

If I had followed him one day or checked up on him I would have found out so easily as he was not very cautious at all. I did not do this because I figured I was not putting energy into doing all this- that God would bring evil to the light if in fact he was lying/cheating. And he did, I just wish it were sooner! He did continue to be illusive and wishy-washy after dday and did sleep with OW one more time and that is when I impomented the tough act and he came crawling back, never to talk to or see OW again since and has never wanted to be away from me since (oh lucky me- lol)

Not my story or any similar can insure this will happen for you- but darn if there isn't a good chance-- please pull enough strength from somewhere-- and do what KT said and me-- it has been known to be very ,very effective, taking his "choice" away- it knocks them into another planet. If it does not work-- you just cannot afford health wise and mentally and for your Son's sake to be this tormented forever.

I am thinking of you- I have been through and continue to feel what you are going through. It is so hard but you will DO IT and you have favor in God's eyes for being a good and faithful wife. Just keep that in mind, you will be rewarded.

Hugs, Giovanna

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

Albany, can you guys get counseling?? I highly recommend it. Is your DH willing to read any affair-recovery books? Have you? Have you read the MB principles here? They are really good!

Are you in Plan A? Trying to make him jealous or forcing him to make your son uncomfortable is definately a love-buster. If you're trying to win him over via Plan A, that isn't the way to go!

The easiest way to remember the basics for recovery when both partners are willing to TRY to recover, is "fake it 'til you make it". That means live together and BOTH work on the marriage, not live apart, see others. Put your best efforts into it for a year, then re-evaluate. I realize him moving out was not your decision, but if you can convince him of the above (via Plan A??), your recovery can really get started!

We used the MB Principles at this site and the book After the Affair by Janis Abram Spring. I highly recommend the questionnaires here--Love busters and Needs.

That's all I can think of for now.
Best wishes,
J

Albany,

I am new here, and hope to start my own thread to seek advice for my own situation, but one thing I have heard before, is that if the OW is preg. YOU need to go establish an order for CS for YOUR child. If you wait until the OW takes your H to court, then whether the two of you split or stay together your child will only get the "leftovers" I am not saying to be cruel, but honestly, your child was here first and it would not be fair to have a CSupport order for the OC first. So, regardless of what happens, you should file for Legal Sep and IMMEDIATELY file for Child Support....if things work out with your H, great, but at least your child will be protected. Also, who knows if that is why your husband cant "make up his mind" about what to do??? Just my 2 cents...