as the subject suggests, i have a big problem. i'll quickly rundown here, but more background on my relationship is available here: http://www.curezone.com/forums/m.asp?f=328&i=348

since then, the gf left the state, only to call me back a few weeks later "realizing she had made mistakes" and wanting to come back to me and our son. she agreed to NC with the other guy.

she got here, things were looking up, except once she slipped and went to see the other guy. i wasn't aware at all. until her period was late. we have not been having sex, except for once, where i am not sure (gory details) whether semen was in a position to score. it was inside, but not very far. i dunno. she didn't realize this at the time.

she says she thinks she was not fertile when she was with the other guy. yeah, i'm really upset about it, she says "ive learned my lesson, i made a mistake". well that mistake has resulted in pregnancy. she seems to think its his. i do too, at this point.

at first, i told her to abort it or be gone. her and i already have a 3 yr old boy together. she will not terminate the pregnancy, she says it's totally against what she believes (i know this to be true). she herself was adopted, and refuses to put a child into that system. so i relented based on that. i told her to stay so she can at least be cared for during the pregnancy. i have wanted another child, and i wanted a chance to make up for being a [censored] during her first pregnancy. (i was immature and not ready).

so now, here we are. she says she's going to contact the OM to tell him. i don't know what he'll do. he's 47 yrs old, lives with his cousin, alcoholic, basically a bum. works cash daily type things. she says he'll probably give her money. if we are to stay together, i am going to be this childs father regardless of biology. am i asking too much of myself in that? will i ever be able to fully trust her? what do i do? she says she loves me one minute, and doesn't the next. one hour she's kissing me, the next she's bashing me. i don't know what to do. i dont want to be hurt anymore, but i don't want to drop her. i don't want MY child growing up without his mother, nor do i want any child (the one she's carrying) to not have a fair chance.

Yes! Sperm that are even close to the vaginal opening can get a woman pregnant. Those little swimmers are more persistant than a lonely barfly at closing time. There is a huge possiblity that the baby could be yours.

I read your bio and this gal sounds like a real loser...thank God you are not married to her. Unless some incredible personality change overtakes her, living with her will make your life a living hell. This relationship will not last...these kind of relationships never do, so cut your losses now. You don't want to be 35, 40 or 55 and have wasted all those great years on someone unworthy.

She is not worthy of your time, space, money, life...life is too short to waste your time with someone duplicitous and self serving. The damage to your child will be insurmountable if you continue playing her games. You will be sacrificing your child just to be with her.

In your bio you called her a cheat, liar, lazy and a myriad of other unattractive names describing her less than desirable character (or lack thereof) traits....and then finished the sentence by saying how much you "love" her...yet you never said WHY you love her or what there is about her that is worthy of your love. WHY do you loved her? Is it just habit? Is it addiction to drama? I don't believe you "really" love her...you just think you do because she is probably the only serious relationship you've had in your short romantic life.

If this is your Knight in Shining Armor, "Savior" or Crusader psychosis, you'll find that no one can be "saved" who does not want to be saved and you are wasting your time and energy trying to force good behavior from someone who is incapable of change. Some people are just horrible people. If she is "lost", she needs a therapist. You are not a therapist. Let her go and raise your son to grow up to be responsible, kind and loving and nobody's fool.

Wishing you a huge wake up call...

to update, sorry i've not been around:

i'm still here - and she's still here. things aren't the worst between us, either. she's still pregnant, and in not knowing whose child this is, i'm having a bit of trouble "getting into" the pregnancy...

she won't have an abortion - against beliefs
she is really against adoption - she was adopted and it left a bad taste in her mouth.

i *do* want to be with her. from (most) everything she says and does she wants to be with me too. she could easily leave, and she knows it. for how long, i dunno, but it's not like she's a prisoner or anything. we've had some arguments lately where i told her she would just have to leave now, she walks out and comes right back a few minutes later.

i feel bad for that. sometimes i feel like she's apolgized for this and i just keep dragging it out and demonizing her. she's admitted to her mistakes, she's not talking to/seeing him, not even talking about or mentioning him. she says he wants nothing to do with a child. she told him awhile ago that she wanted to stay with regardless of child.

i saw him last, in court, where him and i had to go to resolve our dispute. he told the court that i wasn't bothering anyone and that he wanted it to go away, and it did. he offered me some money that was owed previously, but i never called back to get it. i just don't want anything from him.

why do i feel like i'm screwing up, now that she's more loving and attentive to me and no one else now, and that's all i longed for before!

i didn't expect it to be easy, but the thoughts that go thru my head are just, hmm....real downers.

i want to see this child as an innocent child, not some demon. it's not the baby's fault!

i don't want to go home and fight. i don't want to turn my head every time she mentions something about her being pregnant. i'm here doing everything a partner should do when his other half is pregnant. why do i feel so bad?

my exwife (thousands of miles away and in another country) tells me im not responsible for her or this child and i deserve better, and she doesn't mean herself. am i a loser for sticking around when no one else will?

<small>[ March 19, 2004, 09:20 AM: Message edited by: notbitter ]</small>

No you are not a loser. I admire you goodness in being willing to accept the child. Don't ask her to get an abortion.

Wait till baby is born and check paternity test. Then have her file for child support.

i don't even want her doing that. i/we don't need his money, and it would just be another reason for him to be entangled in our lives.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by believer:
<strong> No you are not a loser. I admire you goodness in being willing to accept the child. Don't ask her to get an abortion.

Wait till baby is born and check paternity test. Then have her file for child support. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

a question....

from my previous postings, you know my situation. i have read a lot on this board, and i know that others are in much deeper messes than i am.

at this point, i believe that we both want to survive this. she's (okay, we've) talked about getting married soon....it's something we've "put off", and maybe that lethargy has hurt us more than we realized.

is this recoverable, or are we both just kidding ourselves...

YES, this is recoverable but I have to ask, WHY?

Why do you want her and this drama? don't say 'I don't know' or 'because I love her', either. I mean we can see what HER problems are but what is wrong w/ you that YOU are attracted to her?

AND why are you talking to your XW about this? Situations like this and w/ someone who is probably going to be your w.....talk to a counselor or another MAN but not your XW (or any other woman, for that matter) about something so personal like this. THAT IS A HUGE NO-NO!!!

Talking to someone of the opposite sex about such personal topics makes for a bad situation and ripe for an EA (emotional A).