I was married for 11 years. We seperated in 2-03 and started reconciling in 10-03. We didn't live together the whole time and he was seeing his first wife of 11 mnts. Which they had no children together but she as always been in and out of the picture one way or the other. She has always wanted to get back w/ him and felt I was the reason they didn't get back together. We have one child 10 yr old girl. We started talking in October and he moved back in November. We are working on things and she is really after him to leave me. He and I had some really hard and hate feelings we where getting over. I thought we where pretty good and yeaterday got a call from her girl friend saying that the ow was pregnent and it is due in september 2004. Ok lets count back 9 mnts that makes december. Well he was living at home and I thought we where doing fine and really improving our relationship. I should have known something was up because he has began telling me for a month or more since Jan 1 how strong we've become and nothing could tear use apart again. How much he loved me and greatful that we are working things ou, ect. And now this. I really have alot of mixed emotions and really don't know where to go from now. She did it on purpose and he told her she did. He just went to pay her some money he owed her and it just happened. Which H is a big boy and could have said NO. He saids he is sorry he's hurt me and wants to be in this family, if I allow him to stay. I really am undesided on what I can emotionally handle. I know its not the child's fault and why someone would put someone else in this situation. I really need help and some kind of advice. Please help. And when should we tell our daughter she will have a sibling. She has told us in the past that she was happy w/ being the only child. And I tied my tubes 4 years ago because I didn't want to be 40 and have a baby! God has away on working around things like that I guess. I am a beleiver of all things happen for a reason and purpose. That, that does not kill us will make us stronger. But not to say the devil is really after me to be mad and angry at them. I really haven't set down and had a real long conversation with H but I would like to be alone and have time to cool off and try and put into some kind of purspective what is happening.

<small>[ February 13, 2004, 04:11 PM: Message edited by: sunnydale ]</small>

Dear Sunnydale

It is so heartbreaking to see another New-Bee show up at the "hive". But, we welcome you even thought we wish you didn't need to be here. You've come to the right place for support and advice.

I have a lot of questions and find your marital situation upsetting and I'll tell you why later. But first, the thing that is most important for you is to regain your sense of balance and begin your recovery by reading everything you can get your hands on here on this site and learn and implement the Harley Marriage Builders principles and policies into your life. Plan A immediately comes to mind. Read everything you can about Plan A until you understand how to work this plan and learn about the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA)

Why did you separate in Feb 03? Did you see each other and date each other during your separation? What made you two decide to get back together in October? Did your husband leave his first wife for you? Has he been in contact with her throughout your entire marriage?

The reason why this is troubling to me is that it appears your husband feels and acts like he has two wives; like he never emotionally severed his relationship with her. I bet anything he feels that since he was once married to her that there is some connection that makes it OK to be with her. There is way too much familiarity going on there. What do you think? Am I way off? Is this part of the trouble and part of the reason for your separation?

Finally, what do YOU want? Are you commited to this marriage and want to stay with your husband or is the constant interference of his ex-wife just too crowded in your marriage?

Cat =^^=

In 2-03 we had really grown apart and had seperate lives. He was shocked when I filed and I had a whole lot of people telling me yes they had been together for the entire time and she was married also. Ow got d about 3 yrs ago and most of our differences started then. I never caught them but always felt something was going on. Never home always working ect. So me and my daughter started doing our own thing and as time went on we faught more, he was gone more, and when he did come home he expected us to drop whatever and be w/ him because he was home? I felt he didn't want to be there so I filed and left. Didn't tell him just left. I hired the dirtest lawyer in town and we tore each other up financally and mentally. We have two of just about everything and I was determind ow was not getting it. I would let the attorney get it first. She ran to him 2 days after I served him w/ papers and they saw each other the entire time. My attorney pulled up dirt from everywhere and started effecting my family and his. I just couldn't do it anymore. My daughter was being torn apart. She kept asking if my daddy still loves you and you love him, why cant yall just be nice. That hurt. I was in a bible study at church and we were on forgiveness, funny how he puts things where they need to be. It was hard for me to do the study but I knew I needed it and felt this was what god was wanting me to work on. So after 6 mnts of acting like a slave for the devil I decided to sit down to Keith explain himself, he begged and pleaded, cryed and promised he loved me, she was just a thing and we wanted to be with his family. Well th ow went bolistic !! She called, she broke things at his room mates house, that belonged to us. She tried to run me off the road, crap like that. OW was very angry she has called told me different things, said they were soul mates and H would come home but only for our C. She told me that we just need to get a 6000 sq ft home and all live together and she would never make H chose between us and when ever he wanted to come and be w/her she would do it. I really am lost on what to do. So anything you can offer?

ok this XW/OW is realy something hanh?

Can you, or have you tried to get a restraining order against her? (I think trying to run you off the road would qualify)

If H and you both want to keep this marriage together, then you can. ALL contact with OW has to STOP.

You do NOT have to have C with this OC (other child) either.

Focus on your marriage first and healing and stabalizing it.

Keep focus. You are the only one who knows your H and his depth of sincerity in this. Take care of yourself.

We're here if you need us.

hi sunny,
one thing you said was very true, about working on forgiveness. God for forgives us each and everyday for our daily sins. God hates divorce and the devil hates marriage. If you hold on to those principals and you and your H still love one another and BOTH WANT your marriage to work, nothing can hold you back. It is sometimes funny to hear the confession of the OW, they always confess to be the solemate and H only stays with BS for the children. Do they never think they also have OC and H can choose to be with OW for their OC. Remember the OW has H at his beck on call when the A and OC are a secret. He beleives that OW kept the A a secret because she loves hime. When infact it is a trick to gain false trust. MY H exOW told me every dirty little bedroom secret she could, did she do this because she loved H. I do not think so, she did it because when I found out about OC. The jig was over, I asked H if he loved OW and if he wanted to be her , he said no. He said he let things go that far because he thought I would leave. Once I told OW that I was not leaving H and that we were going to work on our marriage. She became husbands worst nightmare. Just pray and ask God to soften your heart so you can forgive for H. If you two work together exOW can do nothing to tear you apart. This one of the biggest challenges a marriage can face, if you work though this, you work though anything. Anything is possible through Christ our Lord.

Thanks for the advice from everyone and I am really glad to have someone who has been where I am now. It's been so hard to hold my tongue but I really don't want to give the devil or OW the satisfaction to know I am hurt. It's going to be hard but H saids his number one thing is me and our C. I asked him what if OW doesn't want me around the OC. H said that he wont see OC. H told OW that we are together and he wasn't going to leave and I was standing beside him. He told her that even if I changed my mind and asked him to leave he was not going to ever be w/ her again. He would just see the OC. I can only hope that he is being truthful right now. All of our friends say I am crazy and he is lucky, but I really go from being ok w/ the OC and then thinking how easy it would be just to walk away and not look quite as stupid as I feel now. We are going to tell his parents tonight, I really don't think his dad will be happy at all. He's told H how lucky he was in Oct for me letting him come back home anyway. I told his sister and she took up for the OW. Which they have never cut ties either. She told me I needed to stop and see how OW feels being all alone w/ OC. Can't say I really care how she feels. Life to me is what you make it and the OW did this just to hurt me. I know me and H have alot of issues to deal with and as long as he is being honest in his feelings, which I feel he is, then we can get through this. He just keeps saying how sorry he is and how much we mean to him, so I have to go on that I guess. I told him words didn't mean much to me right now, his actions would have to show me. I just hate to have my C go though what she went though last year w/ not having H around and fighting. She really loves her dad and is really too young to explain something like this to. Do you know how old the OC has to be before we get visitations? I have no clue. Telling her will be hard. But I think explaining this to her when she is 17 or so, when ever she is big enough to start going wait, how did this happen? And what about the OC, what happens when it is old enough to go, my sister is 11 yrs older and her parents have always been together and it figures out what happened. See my brain is just going crazy with when if and what if's. Thanks for listening.

Sunnydale,

That child has done nothing wrong. I feel really bad for the baby.

You only have your husband's word that his first wife "got pregnant on purpose". You really don't know that. He lied to you about a lot of things, he probably lied about that too.

Probably what I would want to do first is sit down with both of them, calmly, and sort out what is the truth and what are the lies. Then decide what the first wife wants for the baby, what he is willing to do, and what you feel you can live with.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

We have had a discusion over the phone w/ the three of us. She said she realizes that he came home because he loved me and not just for our C. If she could change what she did she would. He told her that I was first and our C was his main thing. He wanted to see the OC only if I could be a part of it too. She is concerned about my feelings toward the OC and me feeling rezentment toward it. I really can't say for 100% sure that I wont or will. I know it will be hard to not dewell on why OC is here, but everything has a plan in his eyes and its not my place to question it. Maybe its a lesson for me to. I was selfish in insisting to get my tubes tied and he never wanted me to. My C may need this OC for some reason in the future and only God knows the master plan. I feel if we are not to be together than I will know and God will show me. I know I have a good heart, I'm not perfect, but there are certain things he lets me control and I have to let him control the things I can't. Alot of my freinds are giving me greif about staying, but my C means the world to me and if I can make her life better by staying than thats what I will do. Me and H talked more last night about how hurt I am and how hard it will be to trust him totally but he is making the effort to show me daily. OW really and truely thought that we would be equal if she had a child for him to choose than he would leave me or I would be mad enough to tell him to leave. I have to pray just about every hour for my mind not to drag me down and start feeling like what is wrong with me and why did he go to OW one more time. I don't know maybe he needed to know for sure this is what he wanted and now he knows for sure. He calls several times a day thanking me and god that he has someone like me and knows no one would do for him like I do. Sometimes God has to tap you but others times he knocks you for a loop before you realize where he wants you to be. The devil is strong and we are weak alone but I'm trusting in him to lead me and take my life to the next step. God might of intended for me to be an example to the OW, because she said I was a jesus freak and I don't think she is saved. But if she can see how if I let god take control, than things are better. Most people that are not saved look for people who are saved to fall and say well how come he let this happen to you, but if you show them that he is in control and they are not, they might just learn something. I am not their judge, and I know I will be, so who will I blame when I let others make me fall. Our freinds have said how I am a great forgiving person and I tell them only because he helps me to be, and I know thats how he expects me to be. I know there will be days that I will let the devil creap in, but I know he will give me the strenght I need to get him out and under control. If I find out that H is not being truthful then I will leave because I know God intends on me being with someone who is true to me.