About 3 years ago I met my fiance. Him and I started a relationship and about 4 months later his xW informed him that she was pregnant (she was about 5 months or so and lived in another state). She admitted that she tried to get pregnant thinking it would bring them back together. Well then she found out I was in the picture, needless to say that wasn't good. She tried all she could to get him back. Anyway him and I got engaded but ultimately it was too much for me to handle. Even though he technically didn't cheat on me and have this baby it kept me from marrying him at the time. We broke up for right after the baby was born and. Putting up with xW and the new baby was way to much for him and I to handle. We have kept in contact on and off the last 2 years and just recently got back together. We never stopped loving each other it was just bad timing I guess. Well now we are back together and engaded to be married in May. XW still hates my guts and see's me as the reason why him and her aren't back together, which isn't true.

Over the past 2 years I have had alot of time to grow and accept things...anyway I have a feeling that as soon as she finds out we are married she is going to have a very large cow. I am afraid she will try and sue him for more CS. I have heard that she can have his income readjusted to include mine? Is that true? Is there anything I can do to prevent that from happening?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I have heard that she can have his income readjusted to include mine? Is that true? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, she can't do this. Your income is seperate from his.

Originally posted by 4everme:
as soon as she finds out we are married she is going to have a very large cow.

Probably. A very large cow.

Are you sure this is the life you want?

You must realize and 100% *accept* that this woman is going to be in and out of your life for years to come.

She is the mother of the child that your fiance loves. This is not an OC .... but a child born out of wedlock.

This is simply one of those times in life where you'll need to take an honest eyes-wide-open inventory of the things you will be getting when you marry this man.

This is the baggage your relationship will deal with.

Her and her cow.

If you do marry, you cannot change any of these facts.

This will never be a marriage that is uncomplicated by outside stressors.

Know what the facts are. Look at the long term acceptance of the facts as they are. Recognize any of your personal limitations as to whether or not you can deal with the XW with grace and composure.
Can you handle that?

She's not going to change or go away.

She and her child will be a part of your life.

Is that OK with you?

This is not impossible, but just know what you're asking of yourself.

Take care.

Pep

Are you sure this is the life you want?

Well...I'm sure I want him in my life. I am not sure I want the drama and stress...which torn us apart to begin with.

You must realize and 100% *accept* that this woman is going to be in and out of your life for years to come.

Honestly. It took me a long, long time to accept it and I do. She is hell bent on making his life miserable...10X's more if I'm in. That is what I have a hard time accepting. I could easily deal with xW with grace and respect if she was willing to give it back to me.

She is the mother of the child that your fiance loves. This is not an OC .... but a child born out of wedlock.

Yes, I realize this is not technically an OC...but it feels like it.


Thanks for you comments. I will probably be coming back to read over them again.

<small>[ February 16, 2004, 08:03 PM: Message edited by: 4everme ]</small>

Am I doing the math correctly? You were dating and four months into the relationship his wife turned up five months pregnant? Was he actually divorced or just separated? He was still sleeping with his wife only a month before the two of you met? It's no wonder that she isn't very fond of you since his involvement with you probably ended any hope of reconciliation for them. How would you feel in her shoes? As far as child support goes....that is your future husband's responsibility...for a very long time. I don't believe it can include your salary, but it can certainly include medical expenses, insurance, education etc.

Yes your doing the math perfectly correct.

He was divorced for six months when I met him...so she got pregnant 5 months after the divorce. I still don't quite get that one. the story is that they had talked about reconciliation he thought it was a good idea for a while, but then he changed his mind. She said that is why she purposely tried to get pregnant, she thought it would bring them back together for good. Have I put myself in her shoes?Absolutely, yes I understand where she is coming from and that she is in pain, especially after having the baby and all. But it is 3 years later and she still has a vendetta against me. Him and haven't been together for that last 2 years so obviously it wasn't me that kept them apart. I just wish that we could be on at least cordial terms...she is going to try and prevent him from seeing his son when she finds out about his engadement but he said he would deal with that when the time comes. I'm not apathetic to her pain, but I don't know...its time to move on now...its been 3 years...am I wrong?

what do you mean "I don't believe it can include your salary, but it can certainly include medical expenses, insurance, education etc."
I don't understand what your saying.

His ex sounds like a real piece of work. Wheeee! What type of a woman brings an innocent child in as a last-minute ploy to keep her husband? That is sick and irresponsible. But that is all the more reason why you should feel compassion for that poor child. It will need you and its father to be adults for it.

4ever,

No, you're not wrong to hope that after all this time that the two of you might at least be able to be on civil terms. It's too bad she is so trapped in the pain that she'll use this child as a weapon. Sorry to confuse you about the CS thing. I just meant that on top of the regular CS....there are other costs that can be tacked on and it can put a strain on your finances even though your salary isn't included. If your soon to be H is paying CS though....she can't keep him from seeing his son. He may have to address that legally....but hopefully once the two of you are married and these things are established...she will come to terms with that. Maybe at some point she'll find a new person to care about and these wounds won't seem so deep. How will you feel about having your fiance's son in your life? If he has joint custody or even visitation....you are likely to have some contact with the mother as well...and are you prepared to take care of this little boy?

Star,

I think that until she can calm down and moves on in life I am going to stay as far away from her as possible. It is really for the best, she will likely try and rip my head off. She has treatened me over and over again and I don't want to have to get into any legalalities with her and make things worse. She lives in a different state then us, so I'm thinking that he can pick his son up or stay there with him for the weekend. I know she is going to pull that "I don't want my son around her" line.

So far she has went into his house and torn all the pictures off the wall that I was in. Through out all the stuff that she thought was mine. Keyed his car big time. Sent me nasty emails and called my at work. (this was all during our relationship 2 years ago)...but I just know there is going to be problems again when she gets wind of this. Does anyone have an suggestions on how I could make this easier on myself, her, his son and our future marriage? Will she ever get past it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 4everme:
<strong> Star,

I think that until she can calm down and moves on in life I am going to stay as far away from her as possible. It is really for the best, she will likely try and rip my head off. She has treatened me over and over again and I don't want to have to get into any legalalities with her and make things worse. She lives in a different state then us, so I'm thinking that he can pick his son up or stay there with him for the weekend. I know she is going to pull that "I don't want my son around her" line.

So far she has went into his house and torn all the pictures off the wall that I was in. Through out all the stuff that she thought was mine. Keyed his car big time. Sent me nasty emails and called my at work. (this was all during our relationship 2 years ago)...but I just know there is going to be problems again when she gets wind of this. Does anyone have an suggestions on how I could make this easier on myself, her, his son and our future marriage? Will she ever get past it? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Who knows if she'll ever get past this.

No telling. No crystal ball available.

What you can control is whether or not this is something you'd like to volunteer for....?

Have you read "The Ten Stupid Things Women Do To Mess Up Their Lives" .... by Dr. Laura. I think this situation may be in that book! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Best of luck

Pep

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Liliane:
<strong> His ex sounds like a real piece of work. Wheeee! What type of a woman brings an innocent child in as a last-minute ploy to keep her husband? That is sick and irresponsible. But that is all the more reason why you should feel compassion for that poor child. It will need you and its father to be adults for it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Liliane, you don't know the half of it. My fiance is a very understanding, compassionate and considerate man and she takes advantage of that and minipulates him at every opportunity. Him and her were only married for 4 months but even after they divorce was final she was still saying they were married, telling me I was breaking up their marriage and seeing a married man. It went so far that he had to show me the actual divorce documents so I could be 100% sure. After I told her I seen them she said that they were fake and he was just telling me that to keep me around blah, blah, blah. She wears a big ring on her finger and tells everyone (including her family) they have been married for the last 4 years. I have alot of friends in the small community where she lives. I went back to visit back to about 6 months ago and I brought up my fiance (he wasn't at the time) and how we were starting to get close again and they were like "Isn't he married to ________" I was like "No..." My friend says "she wears that big ring on her finger and shows it off and talks about him all the time". Well see, he is in the military and had moved from there so she was free to say whatever she wanted and nobody would know the difference. It is so strange to me because she is really successful at work and puts up this huge front about her life and then acts like a total lunatic and hardly anyone knows the truth about her. I don't understand really, why she just doesn't give up on him and find someone else. I sure there are men out there who want her she is attractive but she is stuck on this one. I think she needs help really. Seriously I am scared of her in the sense that I know she would slash my tires or break my windows or try to kill me if she got the oppurtunity and I be damned if I go to jail and get into a whole bunch of BS behind her. Luckily as thing go right now, we are far away from her. But that can change from year to year (he's in the military) as she tried to follow him wherever he goes and has accomplished it so far.

Thanks Pep for that suggestion. I may go get that book right now. Thanks!

oh yah read that book and any others you can find by Dr. Laura, they are very good.

Ok so your fiance's ex-wife was 1 month pregnant and you thought it would be a good idea to start dating him because...........?

They were talking about reconciling and apparently doing more than just "talking" about it and then he changes his mind....before or after he met you? If she was only 1 month pg, he he couldn't have changed his mind for very long. I can see where this XW is coming from.

Yes her antics may seem bizarre and over-dramatic.

This is not an OW/OC situation so my perspective for you will be different.

You should run away from this bizzarro world as fast as you can and leave all the madness behind.

You should encourage your "fiance" to try and reconcile to his XW, that he not only made vows with but then created a child with. At least for the sake of his child.

You are not a Betrayed Spouse, that some OW came in and tried to take your position in the marriage and then bring an OC unexpectantly into. You did not hold the position of authority as a wife. She did and now has his child.

You would now be stepping IN and possible between the relationship he has with his child. The child should come first in this case. My unsolicated opinion only.

I would delay your wedding/marriage for at least a year to really think about this long and hard. Marriages are hard enough as it is and adding this kind of stress and drama will only increase your chances of becoming another divorced statistic.

You have a choice here. Do you want the drama the rest of your life. Do you want to be in a marriage where you will always and should always come 2nd?

If you choose a man who is completely unattached by wife or child then your marriage can be in the proper order and you will be your H full heart's desire and his loyalties will not be unequally divided by a child, YOUR STEP-child. You can go off and have children of your own with out the unwanted insecurity or games of who he loves more or if your treating them all equally, no bitter writing of the CS check each month, no disruption of an extra responsibility every other weekend or whatever, ect.

THINK ABOUT THIS!

Take care! We're here for you, really.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ktbunch:
Ok so your fiance's ex-wife was 1 month pregnant and you thought it would be a good idea to start dating him because...........? [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As you probably know relationship are far more complicated that...but I had no idea he even had recently been divorce when I first met him. We were both in the military and she was far away. I never even heard of her until he had to tell me about the pregnancy, which was almost 4 months into our relationship.

I see what your saying...I think he very much mislead her by sleeping still sleeping with her or whatever and then changing his mind. I honestly can't tell you if he changed his mind before or after me or what was going on between them when we met. I do know that they were divorced and she was 1,000's of miles away at this point.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I can see where this XW is coming from.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't get me wrong I see where she is coming from as well...I'm not the one with a problem with her she is the one with a problem with me.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
You should encourage your "fiance" to try and reconcile to his XW, that he not only made vows with but then created a child with. At least for the sake of his child. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh believe me I have encouraged him over and over to reconcile with her. I just came back in the picture here not to long ago...His feelings for her are far less then warm because he feels she tried to trap him with baby and now wants his life to be hell. Honeslty I don't believe its a good thing for people to stay together for the sake of the child, but that is just my opinion. I've seen too many people live lies like that and it causes nothing to pain to everyone involved, children included. It would break my heart to live a life like that, and finding out later he only stayed because of the child.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You would now be stepping IN and possible between the relationship he has with his child. The child should come first in this case. My unsolicated opinion only.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, I haven't and would not be stepping in anywhere between them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
You have a choice here. Do you want the drama the rest of your life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is something that I battle with constantly.
No, I don't want the drama for the rest of my life, but yes I want him for the rest of my life. Am I willing to throw away what him and I have...again over the drama? At this point no. I think that it is something that can be worked out eventually. If she doesn't want her son around me...ok. He said he knows this is going to prompt her to make things even harder on him but that it will be deal with it as it comes. If she wants to pull all those stunts like alot of people do in this type of situation...she can go right ahead. He can only see his son without me if that is how she wants it. I know what I am in for believe me, but I think that we are strong enough to deal with this together.


Thank your for your input and yes, I will think about all you said. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ February 17, 2004, 09:58 PM: Message edited by: 4everme ]</small>

Should this thread perhaps be moved...because its been pointed out to me that my situation doesn't quite qualify as a "OC"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh believe me I have encouraged him over and over to reconcile with her. I just came back in the picture here not to long ago... and you're already engaged? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> His feelings for her are far less then warm because he feels she tried to trap him with baby and now wants his life to be hell</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What did he expect then? That it was OK for him to use her for his sexual gratification but she couldn't use him for a sperm donor? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, I don't want the drama for the rest of my life, but yes I want him for the rest of my life. Am I willing to throw away what him and I have...again over the drama? At this point no. I think that it is something that can be worked out eventually. If she doesn't want her son around me...ok. He said he knows this is going to prompt her to make things even harder on him but that it will be deal with it as it comes. If she wants to pull all those stunts like alot of people do in this type of situation...she can go right ahead. He can only see his son without me if that is how she wants it. I know what I am in for believe me, but I think that we are strong enough to deal with this together.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So it sounds like your mind is made up but....yet....you still have doubts. What is it about this guy that makes you think he is the ONE?

From what you have said we know that he is:
1)not sincere in his word(broke vows and got divorced)
2)doesn't take marriage seriously (got divorced after less than a year)
3)believes in casual sex with no commitment
4)possibly used and "led on" X
5)irresponsible (carelessly had sex that resulted in unplanned pregnancy)
6)does not take being a father seriously (does not currently live near child to encourage a relationship)

And YOU are attracted to him. Well, we can see the kind of problems HE has but what does this say about YOU?

What is wrong with you that you are attracted to this kind of man?

I am challenging you, I know, but it is nothing personal.

Why is it that you are putting so much thought into this? You HAVE doubts, I don't think anyone here is saying (writing) anything that you don't already know and have thought of yourself.There are too many red flags here.

You seem like a nice person and you care enough to come on here and even ask for others opinions. SO why is a SMART woman like you struggling with this?

Don't you think you are WORTH a man's full heart? Why choose one with all this baggage and prior commitments?

I mean really, what does he have to offer that you don't think you can find somewhere else?

"and you're already engaged? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> "

I just came back into the picture as his GF...We have been in contact throughout these years but we had moved on from each other. We slowly started to get back close less then 6 months ago...but I have always loved him as much as he claims to have loved me all these years.

"What did he expect then? That it was OK for him to use her for his sexual gratification but she couldn't use him for a sperm donor?"

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Wow...seriously I never thought about it like that. I wish I could been witty enough to say that to him when he was complaining about this. But on the same note, sexual gratifiction is consentual and mutual. Purposely getting pregnant and bringing another life in the world for the purpose of minipulation is not in same ball park. Yes, he has control over his body, yes he knows the risks and consequences...but I suppose its a matter of trust. But she needs to be held responsible for her irresponsiblity as much he does. Because she chose to risk the chance of having a child and raising it alone is something she will have to deal with as does he. She is not justified in trying to make his life as hard as she has the power to because things didn't turn out her way. As I have said, I do see her side of this and I do understand...it is misforunated anyway you look at...irregardless of my involvement with him things are not going to change in that situation.


Yes I have made my mind up...and yes...I have doubts. I feel that what him and I share is strong enough to withstand whatever come what may. He has been my friend in the truest sense of the word through our entire relationship, romantic or otherwise. We understand and relate to each on a higher level then either of us has ever known. We care for and love each to the point of selflessness. We have a bond that has thus far been indestructable. This is not some man I met a short time ago and have yet to get to know....we know each other better then we sometimes know ourselfs.


"From what you have said we know that he is:
1)not sincere in his word(broke vows and got divorced)
2)doesn't take marriage seriously (got divorced after less than a year)
3)believes in casual sex with no commitment
4)possibly used and "led on" X
5)irresponsible (carelessly had sex that resulted in unplanned pregnancy)
6)does not take being a father seriously (does not currently live near child to encourage a relationship"

Your are absolutely right...except for number six (he has no choice in the matter of where he lives). But, what is wrong with me? Some of the same things you say are wrong with him. Marriage is not to me what it is to alot of people as far as seriousness...to me it not a lock that you throw away the key to...but that is a whole nother issue. All of those things you mentioned also things that I can relate too. People are not perfect...if every mistake I ever made was laid out in a list like that...hell I know he would think twice about marrying me. Its not about all those things...its about what we are together...Does that sound like total fantasy world?? LOL


ktbunch, Thank you. I appricate your time, honesty and insight more that I can express.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by 4everme:
<strong> But on the same note, sexual gratifiction is consentual and mutual. Purposely getting pregnant and bringing another life in the world for the purpose of minipulation is not in same ball park. Yes, he has control over his body, yes he knows the risks and consequences...but I suppose its a matter of trust. But she needs to be held responsible for her irresponsiblity as much he does. Because she chose to risk the chance of having a child and raising it alone is something she will have to deal with as does he. She is not justified in trying to make his life as hard as she has the power to because things didn't turn out her way. As I have said, I do see her side of this and I do understand...it is misforunated anyway you look at.... </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree w/ that. (especially since I am a BS w/ OW & OC to deal with)

BUT if you don't want an unplanned pg then you take steps yourself to insure it won't happen. Even then we all know birth control is never %100.

Although, my situation is different, just w/ all the junk I have to go through w/ OW over OC and the stress it has been on my marriage, I just don't see why someone would willingly step into all the madness. BS are blindsided by this stuff and here you are ready to willingly jump right in.

You will never change her and any little red flags you see in him will only become magnified once you are married.

We chose C w/ OC thinking; it was good for OC, we could handle it and OW wanted it. WRONG. And when you have someone such as OW or in your case, X, who is out to make your life extremely uncomfortable, they are unpredictable. If they aren't gonna get what they want, well, they are gonna make sure you don't either.

We live our lives in wait for OW next antics and when she will change her mind or change how she "feels" about issues in regards to OC again. AND she (OW or X) will never care about your/my children and why should she? They are not her responsibility but my OC and your step-child, if you get married, will be OUR responsibilities and we will be expected to care about them.

And I know not ALL X's & OW's are like this but mine is & it sounds like your is too.

Good luck with it.

I'm not really walking to anything the way I see it, I was there and in a relationship with him when he first found out about the pg and it took its toll then. I have already been down the hard rode, its only easier from here. This torn us apart to begin with and since then I have had alot of time to come to grips accept it. I am praying for the strength to deal with her in the best and least antaganistic way possible (and also that she finds someone else she wants to be with). I have my own problems with her (because of tearing my pictures and things up, harrashing me and my pre-teen age sister whom I take care of) and I would love to give her a piece of me the same way she wants to...but its pointless at this point and would do nothing but make life harder on everyone involved. I just keep thinking that she's got to move on someday...its been 3 years now so I hoping that someday should be soon. Anyway, I rambling now. Thanks again. Take care and good luck to you as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ February 18, 2004, 10:55 PM: Message edited by: 4everme ]</small>