I've really being fighting with the idea of calling the OW and talk to her, myself. I really don't know what to say to her, but have this feeling that I should. Not to call to get mad or to fuss and cuss at her, but I feel this need to know why she did this? I don't think OW is going to tell me the truth. I just maybe want to hear her tell me. Or I am I just heading into trouble. And asking for it. Just wondering who has tried this and how it came out. See just found out OC to get some of the story. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Generally speaking, you are wasting your time and possibly setting yourself up for heartache.
I called my H's OW and asked her what she was to my husband. She said someone with whom she had shared his hopes and dreams. When I asked her ratherly crudely if she had had sex with him she hung up on me. I called back and her MOTHER answered the phone and told me not to call back.
My H then came home early from work to ask why I had called her. Why did I want to rock the boat by calling her. Turned out she was pg and I didn't know; her pregnancy was apparently a difficult one, etc.
However, unbeknownst to me, he had ended the A before he learned of the pregnancy. Her child was born 4 mos after mine/ours. I didn't know she was pg, I learned of the baby in April after she was born in Jan.
So my advice is don't call her. You won't learn anything new. In most cases the OW is in the fog or they want to hurt the wife. Don't be a masochist.

Texasgirl

I think the general consensus would be not to bother. Why waste your time?

Honestly, it would feel good to get some digs in...but then..the emptiness would still be there and you would know that you let her know that she was getting to you.

I've had the opportunity to confront OW, in person and on the phone. It only hurt my family. She was insulting in person, about and in front of my own children, then on the phone she just wanted to give me "details" about A w/ my DH and try to create doubts in my mind about ever trusting him. And of course tried to paint herself as the innocent victim.

I did get to say a few words to her that I had always dreamed of, nothing as low as hers. That felt good for like a minute but the destruction of her hurtful words has had longer lasting affects in my heart, mind and marriage than the satisfaction of that one moment.

And it is very rare that you will receive any kind of apology either.

If I had to do it over again, I would not have said a contentious or provocative word to her ever. I would stand above that and look down on her with the pity she deserves. Don't let her know you are even thinking of her. Don't let thoughts of her rob you of your time and energy.

Just my opinion.

In my case OW was my best friend.
Even though I knew her she still treated me horribly. A's are all about lies, and I think you will never get the truth from her, just more lies.
I agree with Texasgirl and ktbunch, what she will tell you will only hurt you. She doesn't care about you, or if she hurt you. She only cares about herself.

<small>[ February 18, 2004, 02:39 PM: Message edited by: Hangin'InThere ]</small>

What if she calls me. I should just hang up. I feel since H is not calling her, she will be calling me. Maybe not. Do they ever just go away? Do I ever stop thinking about this. I want to be normal I want to sleep and eat and not just want to cry. Does it get easier w/ time or the closer to the due date does it get harder? I guess I just feel help less with all of this. I know God is in control, but the roller coaster is making me ill.

Well, there is a huge difference in what I think you should do and what I would and have done.(and always regret) Since we have C w/ OC, I have regular communication w/ OW. I have a hard time w/ that, NOT communicating I mean, I communicate more than OW(about OC).

If she ever did call, speaking from my own experience only, I think you should hang up rather than risk her weaseling herself into your mind w/ things she could say.

I know how to manipulate, argue w/ the best of them and how to read people. So I can imagine an innocently sounding phone call turning into an "unintentional" gab-fest of unneccessary info from OW. ("I'm ONLY telling her the truth! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

I have always regretted sinking to OW level and not showing more class but I'm trying.

Even better than straight out hanging up you could just say, with confidence in your voice and maybe a hint of laughter, "I have nothing to say to you", then hang up. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
------------------------
It will get easier, I promise. We all say the same thing, "over time", but it's true.

Eventually you will be able to eat without wanting to throw up every 5 min or thinking, "why bother?" You'll be able to lay down and actually fall asleep instead of being tortured by never ending thoughts of all this madness. Eventually your stomach will settle and no longer be in knots. You'll be able to awake from a good nights rest instead of physically aching in every inch and ounce of your body, feeling like you've been run over by a truck. And eventually you'll actually WANT to wake up instead of being disppointed that you just didn't die in your sleep! Really, you will.

Take care of yourself.

oops.

<small>[ February 18, 2004, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

Hi Sunny,

I am new here but can fully relate to your situation, & I wouldn't wish it on any woman, not even the ow who has a daughter with my H, now 16 months old.

My situation is a little different, I have no c with my H. I have a 21 year old son from a prev. marriage. I got my tubes tied after we both agreed we didn't want any c's. The pain is so great, I wanted to die, didn't eat for 7 days, when I found out. I did talk to the ow, called her at the hospital when she delivered & went to see her & the oc. She apologized, said it shouldn't have happnened, painted herself as a christian, "who fell" obviously. I put my H out & he went to live with her for 8 months, so she was very comfortable with talking to me. I felt I needed to see her & talk with her but I carry wounds as well from that conversation.

My H came home last April & it has been "hell on earth" for me, since the ow is not happy to say the least to be raising 3 c's on her own. She claims that my H never told her he would stay with her, but she thought the c would keep him. As soon as he came home she started acting funny, won't let the c come to our home, that kind of stuff.

This is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with in my life. I too believe God has a reason for all this & my faith has been tested & I have failed in many ways since this all started in July 2002.

I am happy but sad to find a place to share with women who know exactly what I am going through, my family thinks I am crazy for enduring this, especially since I have no c with my H, my friends think I am crazy as well, but support me & wouldn't tell me I am crazy. My ability to endure is only because of God, & I am trying to do his will, he has not told me to let go, so I haven't. My H says he will go to counseling with me, I am not sure he is totally committed to it though, I feel I have to try, I have come to far to give this all up now.

Only you can decide if you need to talk to her, if you have already done that with your H on the line as well, I don't think I would bother. You may just open yourself up to more pain, & what she has to say really isn't that important if your H is telling her & you that you & your c come first. I wanted to do that but my H wouldn't because he wasn't ready to be truthful with both of us, so that is why I felt compelled to talk to her myself.

I pray that God will give you strength to endure & hold on. God Bless!

Okay I am a FWS and the wife called me. She was very calm and respectful to me...and in return I was calm and respectful to her. I answered some questions for her about the A. Then she was gracious enough to ask how the twins were doing. There were some minor medical issues in the boy that her son also had. So we discussed some medical knowledge...and hopefully for both boys this medical condition will never amount to anything more.
But our conversation went well enough that she felt she could call a few more times. In my opinion I think things were different since she knew I was married- and was going to stay married and work on it. If I was single and felt more scorn for XMM then maybe things would have been more tense on my end also.
I think if you can't resist and call to try to set the ground rules first. That you just want to ask a few questions you will be respectful of her if she will do the same. If either one gets out of hand just nicely say this isn't what I called for and hang up. I am not sure if I could sit around and never call.
To be honest I know I was shaking in my boots to talk to the W. I thought she would rip me apart-and well deserved too. But anyway the OW in your case could say some mean things to you. So it probably isn't best to add salt to your wounds.I just wanted to give a different experience.

I really have not posted much lately here but felt I might have some insight to this thread. On the other side as well. As well what the other side might feel about talking to the bs. I just had this happen to me. Most of you here know my story and what xmm has been up to. Well my attorney sent him the letter to his friends house and he called me and told me he finally told her. Well his story just did not make sense to me. Also I know how she is and I never heard from her. I fully expected to hear from her. Gut feeling. Once again he told me his attorney would contact my attorney to get the dna lab info etc. Guess what once again it did not happen. So I called xmm and told him that since everything was out in the open why involve his friend anymore I had sent the info to his house for him and w to do together as they are standing by each other together. Aslo once again no attorney has called mine. Well that night I got a call from her. She cussed me out and told me that he had nothing to do with my irresponsiblities and I was a fing b*tch etc. I let her cuss me out and did not get into a fight with her I just let her do it. She had it coming to do this to me for sleeping with her h. I'm not noble for this or a victum, just knew I had months of healing long before her and I know how I felt when this all first happened. If she would of done this 6 months ago I probally would of gone back off on her becasue of where I was in my healing and denial of everything. But because of where I was I was able to let her go off on me and not hurt her back even more. I think it has a lot to do with your healing time and where your head is at. Also the personailty of the other person on the other end of the conversation. On a side note....xmm called yesterday and informed me of the facts of our affair. Can I just say that out of all his facts only one was true? I don't know if he felt I needed to be informed because his wife is planning on calling me again or not. I did get 5 more calls after we hung up and I rejected all the calls on my cell. I don't feel in the position I'm in to tell her that her husband lied to her....nor is what I need to go through right now. I know I've talked to others that said I should of picked up and told all. AS I can tell though why would she believe me? So why hurt her even more. I think if your husband has been honest (and you know) why call her? If you have doubt well he probally is lieing. It will only bring up more hurt and pain. As well, she really has no reason to call you either. Is she calling to hurt you? See where your head is at? Why would she want to be hurt anymore? BTW....I had sent the info to his friends house, but I have never lied to xmm and he assumed I sent it to his house. I was just tired of him lying to both of us and then my attorney being the bearer of bad news to her.
edited to add...just to say how human I am....did this call upset me from her? Oh yeah. I think I'm more upset at xmm as he had told her lies to make it worse on me. So I am human but I still felt I owed it to her to let her cuss me out this one time. I'm glad she did it now instead of when I gave birth.

<small>[ February 18, 2004, 11:17 PM: Message edited by: needtomoveon ]</small>

I really don't know where her feelings are at right now. I havent heard from her. She however called H Monday to tell him what I had told is sister on Friday about them. She said I'm telling everyone she sudusded him. And thats not what I said I told his sister that H put himself in the situation where, in most cases, crap happens ! It took two and all he had to do is say no. But she also planned this. She has been trying to get him to her house alone since he came back. He put some of his tools & ect in her garage. I think she planned this and it worked, as far as her getting preg. She told me in Oct when we got back together that the only thing I had over her was our C. And she could fix that. He was only comming home for our C and nothing else. Now she realizes that he didn't, but she still has the amminition to be apart of our lives FOREVER! This crap doesn't end when they are 18-19 goes on til we die. I'm a pretty opened minded person and feel that it will get easier with time I just keep thinking about the kids. OW has a 5yr B and we have 11yr G. All of these kids deserve something much better than in the middle of someone who couldn't except H leaving and coming home. They spent 8 mnts while we split and her son became close to my H. What is he going to do when we p/u one child and leave him? I think about the babies and don't think she has thought about her child, and his dad doesn't have anything to do w/ him. My C will I think be ok w/ everything because the OC will always go home and she will be the only child again. These I guess are the things I want to ask her. I think if she could remain calm than I could too. I think we are going to have to sit down and talk to one another, but I guess now maybe too early for that. I was told today by a friend that I needed to not worry until the OC gets here and the test are done, so I need to try and do that.Does anyone know how to do this? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I really would like some suggestions

DNA testing is very easy. It's a matter of swabs on everyone. I don't think many labs do blood anymore. Go through your phone book under paternity testing and there are all kinds of labs. Be careful you want to make sure the lab you use can be used in court. Only because I'm on the other side of the coin, I think it would be better if your h makes all the plans for the testing. It at least shows that he is not running from this. A lot may disagree here. You both should have attorney's as well. When they do the testing they swab the inside of the mouth of all three. They take pictures and or fingerprints as well. The lab tech is the witness and does everything. They send it all off to the lab where your having it done at. Then in a week you get the results back via mail. The lab I'm useing will also fax the results to my attorny's office when being mailed. If you use a home test I don't believe you can use the results in court. I would spend the extra money and do it right.

How old does the OC have to be 6 wks or so. And she has to agree to it right? If she doesn't than we don't have to pay support or name on BC. She may pitch a fit and not want the test done. I don't know. She may want him to take her word for it. What do I do then? She knows what kind of father my H is and would never have a child and not have anything to do w/it. But I have to say no test, no name !! I guess I gave myself something else to worry about. OW questioned my H on why the test. We figured around Xmas should have visitations, what do I do when someone say's it looks like her? You have to keep in mind that they where married and grew up together. So our freinds know what she looks like & stuff. How do I swallow that? Just wait and see I guess

Is there any possibility of you, your H & the OW sitting down & talking about what is best for the innocent baby that is being brought into this mess?

I agree wtih you that is there is any question regarding your H being the father he should want a DNA test as well as you. In my case my H was already living with OW when the baby was born so he signed the BC in the hospital & used our address!!! The baby is definitely his, looks just like him, he never questioned it at all. IMHO I would try to see if you can all talk so everything is out in the open & no lies can be told. Try not to worry about who the baby will look like now, you have a lot on your mind right now & looking too far ahead will only give you more of a headache.

I had only a few months to try & digest the OC being on the way when I finally found out, time can sometimes be a blessing & sometimes not. From what you say, the OW feels she has a weapon to use now to get your H away from you for good, so you may not get a lot of cooperation from her. You may feel a need to try & control this situation, I know I did, my big mistake was putting him out & sending him straight to her house. That gave her more power & a chance to show him what life would be like with her, their baby & her two sons. In the end he chose the life he has with me, but you are right the OW is now involved in you & your H's life forever, somedays I feel as if i can't deal with it - But GOD! Hope this helps.

BG <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

DNA testing can be done as soon as the baby is born. I heard when I was pregnant that it was cheaper to inform the hospital and have the tests done there when the child is born-before they check out. If you know where she plans to deliver you might be able to call the hospital and check on it vs getting it done after. I would also call the labs and compare if there is a price difference.

I think the closer it gets we need to sit down and talk about things. Hopefully by July or August one or two mnts before so everyone can handle this in an adult way. The test has to be done. Me and H tried for 5 years before I tired my tubes and nothing. So its hard for me to beleive that we where having it everyday at the time that his sperm count would be anything. But I think she stopped her pills the day she found out we were talking and in Oct said she could be preg. But she wasn't, so she invited him down in hopes of this happening, but she just knew I would tell him to get out. When I didn't she said she realized it was because he loved me and our C that he came home. She I think has more hatred for me than I her. I told her I feel sorry for a person who would live their life waiting for someone to leave his wife. I told her she should have more respect for her and her child. I think we can all sit down one day but it wont be right now. I just need to write down everything so when the time comes we can stick to the kids and nothing else.

Sunny if she wants cs and paternity is questioned then she has no choice than to have the paternity test done. It's that simple. Either she can do it willingly or through the court. You don't have to pay cs until paternity is proven. It can be done the same day the child is born.

Why would you want to talk to her? She isn't worth your time or effort.

I just want her to realize I'm not going anywhere! She really can't beleive that I didn't kick him out and take everything from him. We have worked hard to have what we have and I'm not going to let her distroy it. I told H last night as long as he is honest, trust worthy, and compassionate to my mood swing on this subject, and willing to take up for me when people talk then I will be there. H told OW that some people are telling him to get a DNA test and she went off. She thinks that makes her look like a Whore and is not going to do it. OW said if he made her than she would ask for more support and take him to the cleaners. Right now she just wants daycare (400.00 mnt) & med insurance. So whats up w/ that. Does that mean it may not be H ? The test can be done and no one has to know unless she makes us do it. She said she wanted him at the hospital and H told her I would be there and she doesn't want me there. He said he wouldn't be there then. She told him he would have to explain why he wasn't, and he told her no she wouldn't let the baby's "family" meaning us, be there. I really think I'm going to have my hands full. I only see this getting harder. H is still really angry at her. She knows it. I really think she will start on me soon. I guess we will wait and see. H still saids he committed to our life and making our lives better. OW has a very aggressive personality. She likes to fight, physical type fighting. (I think that's being red neck?) I'm nothing like that and she thinks I'm scared of her. I guess that is the biggest reason for me wanting to talk to her. I've invited her over to my house on several of her rampages but she never showed. Called our 2nd home (at the lake) 3 hours away and said she would be the is 3 hours to kick my ***. This is what I'm going to deal with when she gets the papers from our attorney. I would like everything written up before the OC gets here and base it on passing a DNA test. So she is going to throw a fit and I see it coming. H and I agreed if she does pull a stunt threating me ect we would get a restaining order. But how is that going to work w/ visitations. Can we reguest to p/u at like her dad's w/o her being there? I really think I worry too much.

Sunny she has no choice but to have the dna test done. If she wants anything, the court will not allow her to not do it. It's just the way it is. With what your saying don't talk to her anymore. As far as the hospital goes, well I can almost understand her side of it. I think if you stay away from her and not show your pressence you could be there. Her doctor is going to say he has to look out for his patient's interest so you would have to be very low key. As far as your h not going because of how you feel, that is an option too. There is nothing she can do about it. I'm not sure what state you live in, but if everything is on the up and up she could possibly get cs and 1/2 of day care cost and 1/2 of medical expeneses. Don't let her threaten you anymore. That is so childish. If you have to get a restraining order do it. Yes you can arrange for a 3rd party to be involved when picking her up. If your h is paying support (even if he is not for that matter) they look out for the best interest of the child first and he has every right to see that child. Xmm in my life asked for DNA test and I welcomed it. He can never go back in 5 years and say it's not his after that test. She is being stupid. You are also being very smart by getting an attorney and doing what your doing. It almost sounds like she is a bit off. Who knows if it's because it might not be his or maybe she is scorned that he did not leave you for her. Who knows. Even though I'm on the other side as you it just erks me seeing someone not behaving right and trying to screw someone over. In my way of thinking even if she agreed to everything it should be drawn up through the legal system and entered into court so if either of you had to back it's written in stone and already in record. It's to protect everyone. In most cases now a days they take into consideration the other family and it's needs. In my state it's a "shared cost of living". Which means just that. With my stbxh we share daycare cost and everything. Even when my twins are sick, we have to share the sick days with them off of work, or the other one has to help with money for the other taking the brunt end of it. Good luck with this, and I am glad your being smart. Don't talk to her anymore though. Don't encourage her to come beat your butt. You've got the upper hand.