Yep here we go. She started this morning already. She said her family heard about the DNA test and called her & told her how wrong it was and to take H for what she can get. She's saying things like I was sleeping w/ people while we were seperated and he's stupid. I had phone taps and everything like that on him while we were seperated. I told him she's going to do everything in her power to split us up and he should tell her like I plan on telling her that I love my husband and nothing you could tell me is going to change that!!! He said this morning that she is going to harrass us for the rest of our lives. I told him only if we let her. How can I keep him up and not fall for her stuff? I know he is hurting also and I really don't know what more to do. I am waiting on my attorney to call me back on the papers & if she can go to another state. (our states are close)

Sunny that is non of her business. Who cares....your h cheated on you. i'm a little cranky today sorry....but tell her stop calling your house. There is nothing constructive going on here. Have your attorney send her a letter stating that all contact must go through him/her and if she continues to call come by or anything she will place a restraining order on her. Put an end to this now. Geez I can't belive she is so upset over the DNA test.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Maybe she wasn't with just him. Why else would she pitch a fit on a DNA test? I am not coming off of this the test will be done.

I agree with the above. Have any and ALL contact go through your attorney. Document every call, everything this woman does. Also, I would highly advise for both of you to be nowhere near the hospital when oc is born. No reason to be there at all. Let her go it alone. She does not deserve you or your husbands support or concern. IF she is determined that this oc is your husbands, you can force her, legally, to notify your attorny of the birth, and have DNA done then. If not, charges can be pursued.

Now, as far as the law, have everything, and I mean everything, even the simplest detail handled by the law. Not one red cent until DNA test proves child is his. That is why you do not need to be at hospital. Until DNA is proven, this is not his child. Should you choose contact, then by all means, have it handled with a 3rd person. Her father, whomever, with clear and strong stipulations that she is not to be anywhere near at the handoff. This will make a clear and loud voice to "we accept oc, but do not want crazy ow in our lives" It draws a clear line in the sand. Actually, from this day forward, you or your husband need never have to see or speak to her again. However, it is by having everything done legally that allows it to be that way.

You also need to alert your local law enforcement that she is behaving in an irrational manner. Everytime she pulls a stunt, call the authorities and keep it documented. So, in the future should you need a OFP, it will be easier to get.

Now here is where others go off on me, but why on earth would you want contact with this oc? What is the point? Do you really and truly want this child in your life? Do you want the upheaval and the drama associated with this mess? Think long and hard to exactly what it is that YOU want. Not what your husband wants, or what is best for oc. But what YOU and only YOU want. Should it be no contact, then discuss it honestly with your husband. You could end up quite bitter and angry a year or so down the road due to contact. Right now, it sounds like you and your husband are a team. Facing the dreaded ow and the oc, with all it's legal details and the drama that ow brings with it. But when oc is born and you are spending time with another womans child, are you going to be happy with this? Is it what you want? Think about it. Are you doing contact cause he wants it? There can be lots of trouble later if either he or you are forcing anything on the other. Now is the time for total and brutal honesty.

Also, if she is a whack job who creates havoc in your lives, it doesn't end with the birth, it will go on. Her trap didn't work and she is hell bent on raising a ruckus. Would you and your husband ever consider total custody? If she is behaving like a nut case, and it is documented etc., you could actually go for full custody. Another reason to document all her garbage.

But personally, I believe that contact with the oc is not good for anyone. I know of far to many families that tried and it caused to much drama for the nuclear family, especially the children of the marraige. No reason to upset everyone to appease the needs of one. Your feelings and your life count too.

Keep reading and posting. As you have probably noticed, there are tons of stories out here, all with different ways this was handled. Somewhere in this, you and your husband will find your way, and no matter what, just remember that what ow wants/needs/wishes are none of your concern. So don't give her another thought. You and your H should make ALL decisions based on what is best for your marriage, your family and your lives.

Do not meet with or discuss so much as the weather with this woman. Have everything go through your laywer.

Also, if she continually is trying to contact you for this or for that, you can also have her charged for YOUR legal fees. I did. Our ow would call us for this/that, when we clearly stated NO CONTACT FOR ANY REASON. Her CS has never been late, not once in 16 years. She has no reason to contact us. She tried to play games and now has leins against her house from our attorney. Pretty much shut her up good.


Let your laywer handle the details. Until DNA is done, you don't have to do a thing. Ignore her. Spend your time letting your husband lick your wounds <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Let him woo you and romance the hurt out of you. Spend your time making love and cuddling. Soothing the hurt and anger right out of you. Go for walks, trips, whatever it is that you two like. Have him give you a nice long slow erotic backrub!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ENJOY YOUR LIFE. Don't let this be your focus. Let you and he be your focus. When she gives birth, do not be there, or call or send a thing. IF this child proves to be his, then go with what you decide to do. But for now, read here, and make plans with your laywer, not her. But most importantly. LIVE YOUR LIFE. LOVE. LAUGH.

This is one thing in your life. No matter how it turns out. So, leave this computer right now and have him love you up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ! Rebuild your marriage. What will be will be. He is YOUR man. This is YOUR life and no matter what happens, his or not, contact or not, you two sound like you plan to be together. So go be together.

I really don't think I could tell my H that he could not see this child. I wouldn't expect him to not to want to see him. His mom walked off when he was 5 and he has had a hard time w/ that. I have a 16 yr old by a previous marr and H has helped raise her since she was 3. And last Oct. went to live w/ her dad. She pitched a fit and so I let her go thinking she would coming running back. But no she gets to do what ever, whenever she wants so no she doesn't want to come back. So I get to deal w/ that too. I really think I can grow to love this child. It did not ask to be here and its not OC fault its here. And if OW starts acting crazy after OC gets here me and H have talked about getting custody. She's really a pc of cake and I've got to stop getting so upset over this and have as I call them "break downs". This is where I cry and shake, and really think I've lost it now. Get to feeling and going thru the what if's. I just know that she will be head ache when we do start visitations. I told my H that I just didn't understand why OW is tring to break up my marrage. What have I ever done to this woman. Nothing. She is using this in order to be in our lives and she still is calling H on a regular basis. I think he talks to her so he can know where she is at with all of this. Feel her out as far as is she going to start raising H**l or is she calm. OW told H she wanted in in the delv room? No why would she think I would allow this? H has never seen real child birth mine was C-section. But no no no! Told H did you plan to have this child? Did she ask your permission or tell you this could happen, nope, as far as I'm concerned she got H and she really thought I would be gone. I just don't know if its right to except her calling H talking about the OC? And how do we stop it. H tries to be calm and nice and listen to her so she wont go off acting crazy, but should I be ok with this type of contact? Or will it lead to more trouble. H saids if he doesn't answer the calls then she keeps calling and she gets irratated w/ him and then she starts calling me. So he feels if he listens to her and keeps telling her we are first than maybe she will leave me alone ,is this right?

I understand why you would not want to say "you can't see oc" But that is not how the conversation should go. In my case, I did not want oc around me or my home. H agreed, as he choose nc also. However, had he wanted contact and I didn't. That would have been a problem. We would have had an issue. A big issue.

It has to be worked out so BOTH people are totally and 100% agreeing. Not agreeing with contact cause of what you perceive H wants, but with him AND you seeing both sides of the coin. Don't sell yourself out, to appease him right now. It can come back to haunt you. Just be sure you are being honest with yourself. Do YOU want contact? If your husband didn't want contact how would you feel? Answer these honestly to yourself. If YOU really want contact thats YOUR choice. If you really don't and he really does, you two have an issue that needs to be addressed.

Think about it this way. You say you would never tell him he can't see oc, then named some good reasons. Does he think "I can't expect my lovely wife to be forced to have oc in her life, I have hurt her enough?" Is he thinking of how YOU might be feeling? Or is he expecting everyone to do "what is right" for the oc, nevermind what others might want, need or feel? He should be as concerned for you and your feelings as you are showing him. The oc is not the only person who gets hurt. "what is right" for the oc may be coming at the expense of you, your child and others. "What is right" is that he realize that oc is not the most important person in this mess HE helped create.

That said, a couple of things. NO it is NOT right that she call him and he talk to her. There is absolutely no need whatsoever. You should not stand for that. She is not his ex wife with his child. She is the otherwoman, who may or maynot be carrying his child. Even if it is his, there is no reason for her to be calling him for support or whatever. You should not stand for this. He is putting her needs above yours. Who cares if she gets upset? There is nothing he can do, except leave you and go to her that will make her happy. As for cs, if oc is his, CS will be determined by the courts anyway. Have him tell her to leave him alone or go through attorneys. Who cares if she is a nutjob, who cares if she gets upset. What can she do? Haul him to court for CS? Well, that is going to happen anyway. So don't let her play her "be nice to me and I will save you money games" she is not trustworthy. She is manipulating you and him. She is the tail wagging the dog. Don't let her.

It is NOT right for them to be talking in any way shape or form. That is rude, and hurtfull to you. Hasn't this caused enough trouble? If she wanted a partner to share her pregnancy, she should have been in a committed relationship. She gets to own her piece of the hurt, and that means going through the pregnancy and birth alone, with a DNA test at the end, in the hospital, the second that child is born. The humiliation factor of her being alone and having a paternity test is what she deserves. Your husband doesn't even have to go to the hospital. Your family doctor can take his DNA.

Please read around. This contact is a slap in your face and not condusive to Marriage Building, but OW coddling. She has no place in either of your lives. Keep her on the outside of your marriage. She is just a vessel carrying what could be your husbands child. SHE does not matter and he has to stop treating her as if she does.

As for the 16 year old!!!!! Teen years are trying at times. I'm sure you are concerned about her welfare. However, in time she will learn to appreciate you as her wonderful mother. Her father will also get to the point where he will put his foot down and she will then want to get away from his rules. Right now he probably likes being the cool parent. The one she "prefers". Doesn't mean she doesn't love you at all. She likes the freedom he allows. But he will tire of it eventually. Then where will she go? Raising teens isn't easy on anyone. To many rules and they rebel or grow, not able to handle the real world. To much freedom and they can get burned. I doubt if anyone has ever found the perfect way to parent teens. If so, they haven't written a book yet! So, while you love and worry about her, it's almost a given that teens drive parents crazy at times. So, stay in touch with her, be her mother. And in time things will change. The nature of the beast I guess.

You will survive this.

Lynn's right! How DARE she harass your H that way and how DARE he put up w/ it. He needs to stand up like a man and tell her to leave you and him alone. He needs to stand up for you and his family. So what if she calls you. What is she gonnaay, "your H is ignoring me!". Hang up on her and then if she continues you can file against her for harrassment---through your lawyer. What about call blocking at least. You can call your phone co. and usually get that set up for a small fee or something and then her calls won't even come through, or caller id so you can clearly see when it's her and ignore the call.

I would be very ticked off at this, to say the least. There is absolutely NO reason for either of them to keep communicating. This could very well turn out NOT to be his child so why all the communication. End it. You don't have to accept or put up with this.

So do I just tell him no more contact or I'm gone. And how will I know if there is. Call her and say don't call him anymore? I'm really uneasy about them talking. But really don't know what to do, I guess. We need to sit down and go over the things that are bothering me about this ordeal. I mean I said I would stay and work things out, and I'm worried about how all this is going to affect our C (g-11). If I leave than this OW will get to help raise my child ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> He said he would not go back to her if we split, but deep down inside I think he would for the money aspect. (having to pay two people child support w.o help from anyone) So am I staying because of that thought? (Can't say) I do love him and really want to trust him, but it's soooo hard. And I guess only time will tell. See if he cuts off his contact or what.

Those sound like valid reasons to start off with staying.

I would have a heart to heart with him and let him know what it is you need to help you feel secure and what he can do to help regain your trust.(stopping all contact)

You can handle all contact with OW through an attorney, like others have suggested. Or you can stop contact altogether.

I would try one or all of those suggestions. (attorney, caller ID, caller blocking) What about a No Contact letter from your H to OW stating his undying love and commitment to you and your marriage and how he is going to stay committed to working on his marriage and desires no more contact from or with OW.

You can set these boundaries and they are more than reasonable. If your H wants to stay in the marriage I don't see why he wouldn't respect your wishes about this. This is more than reasonable to ask.

Hi Sunny,

I agree with what the other ladies are telling you. I wish I had thought to talk & try & sort things out instead of throwing my H to the OW, which turned out to be 8 months of him living w/ her, that set the stage for a lot of heartbreak on my part, & giving her the illusion of having all the power because of the OC.

You both need to agree on contact or NC & let lawyers handle it. Unless he is going to her Dr.'s appt.'s w/ her, what is there to talk about until OC is here?

Please don't give her anymore power than she already thinks she has. She wants your H, & will do anything to get him. These women don't care about you, your feelings & definitely not your marriage, what makes them think a baby will get a man & keep him I will never know. My H had the chance to be a family w/ OW & still came back to me and we have no C together. Will we make it? God only knows.

Don't separate whatever you do, if he is willing to work on your marriage then keep communicating under the same roof!!

As stated before you will get through this, it won't be easy but you will.

God Bless
BG

Honey, you and he need to sit down and talk about trust, honor, loyalty and love. Then talk about the hurt and the betrayal and the anger. You tell this man that you NEED him to stop any/all contact with her immediately. That is not a want it is a NEED. How dare he even consider her feelings. You need to let him know under no uncertain terms that you will consider any contact another betrayal.

Also, this might not be a bad time to start talking to an attorney. Get that child support set up for your child. SHE is the only child that matters as far as you need be concerned. Get things rolling, then tell him that you had to do this, to secure funds for YOUR child, since his actions arn't exactly flooding you full of trust for him. Actions speak louder than words.

You do not have to be a witch or cruel. Just tell him plain and simple, clear and concise. Tell him no more contact PERIOD. No reason is good enough. If ow needs to get a message to him, it has to go through the attorneys. Set it up so that if it is frivolous, SHE will be charged for your attorneys time. The only contact this woman needs to do is to have her laywer call yours to accomodate the DNA. THAT IS IT. Even if oc is your husbands, you really don't need to talk to her at all. SHE calls no shots in your life or your marriage. If having to drop of the oc at a 3rd persons place is an inconvience for her, well, to bad. Once again, her concerns are a moot point.

I agree so we need to get the attorney to do the papers now. And bace it all on the DNA test. Then everything will be set before it gets here. And if its not then she can pay back the attorney fees. It's really been hard for us the sit down together and talk about this w/o having Kids, family, freinds, ect being there. But we will have a weekend by ourselves 3-13-04 so maybe this would be a good time to get everything down how it's going to be done and find and attorney. I think H is really scared of what the OW will do or act like when the attorney gets involved. She doesn't want to do all of that. Well her record shows she cant be trusted. But I just have to stand my ground and say this is the way it's going to be and H needs to stand with me or leave.

The dumbest thing anyone can do at this point is to NOT get an attorney. Call around and interview some of the better divorce attorneys in your area. Do not worry or give a damm about what ow thinks/wants. That is her problem.

By being ready for her onslaught, and there will be one. OW like to get "everything" they can. By having the law already in place will limit her actions. If the child is his, there are laws in place. Make sure you are aware of them, upfront. Make sure you are well versed in your state cs laws. Then use them. If that child is his, this will go on for years. It will not be over once CS is set. That is just the beginning. By having a good attorney, you can start setting things up to protect future assets. There are lots of creative ways to differ income. Look into it.

As for ow not wanting to do DNA, and laywers, she is lying. Even if this was all amicable, it would be stupid to not have a laywer. Did you know that any dime given for the oc, if not done legally and as cs, will be considered a gift? It can also be considered an admission of paternity and if oc is not his, they can still force you to pay cs, if you act and support her like it is. DO NOT PLAY WITH THIS. Get the laywer and tell her to get lost. Have your laywer send her a stern letter. Explain to your husband that he can be as nice as he wants to her and that will not change the law. You need to be learning the law to protect your assets and your rights. NOT wasting time trying to deal with an obviously irrational person.

I know it is a huge no-no. But if he can't pull himself up by the bootstraps and start dealing with the mess he has created, it is up to you to protect your family.

And your child, bless her heart. What an awful age to have this happen to her. Just on the cusp of puberty and then having to deal with the humiliation of an oc? If you have contact, and that oc is at your house someday, how is she going to explain that to her friends? She may not understand it all, but it is embarrasing to kids that age to even think of their parents having sex, let alone cheating and having oc running amock. She has to come first and no matter what you or your husband think, her needs and wishes are the most important thing in the world. You two brought her into this world, into a loving family. You owe it to HER to keep her world safe, secure and loving. Keep your eye out to how she is handling all the drama that is going on. It is only going to get worse so be aware.

You are going to be fine. One step at a time. Be strong. You can handle this. Just take control and boot that meddling ow out of your family. She has no place in it anyway. Don't give her the time of day. And tell H that it is unconditional, no contact. There is no wiggle room, there is no reason important enough for ow to call him. Even if she were to have a miscarriage, her attorney could call your attorney. There is no reason to dignify her fears, her life or her existance.

I agree with LynnG about getting CS setup and watching out for yourself and your child.

As far as H goes... do you really want to waste time and effort and emotion constantly keeping tabs on H, wondering what he is doing and if he is betraying you in anyway? I say spend that energy on yourself and your child.

Hi Sunny,

You should definitely take care of yourself & your C. Let H know you mean it about him standing w/ you, don't make the mistake I did by putting up w/ H staying in contact w/ OW. There is no need. She is a trip sounds like, like they all are & is only out to destroy your marriage, most likely she doesn't even care about the C she is carrying, just wants your H & if she can't get him by using this innocent C, then screwing up your family in any way possible will work, believe me I know.

Stay strong <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

God Bless,
BG

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I had a friend ask me yesterday about our C. How is she going to explain to her friends about this? In her eyes mom and dad have been together except for a short time. She lived w/ me and knew I never had anyone and H never took her around OW. He knew I would go balistic if I found out that he did. But I'm wondering what kind of respect is she going to grow up w/ about her dad? Or men in general. I'm thinking this is going to affect her in a way H doesn't see. And I know the OW doesn't care about her well being. And when she gets older how are her friends going to preceive her dad? She will get older and look at the dates, then start asking questions like Dad was here at Christmas and if OC BD is in September than, what happened? I really don't want her to be raised not trusting men, but, I dont want her the be blinded like me. Well we haven't heard from her in a week so maybe she is getting the message. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> But I doubt it. I just cant figure out why a woman would do this. Why lay down with a man you know is M. What good could come from it. Do they think they are so good that they can steal what most people have worked for years to have? Couples may have their problems but I don't see where most men are willing to just run off w/ something so easy? If there are OW out there maybe you can shed so light. And why men can't keep there stuff where it is meant to be!!!! Today is the day the lord has made, let us rejoyce!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

You sound just like me, worrying all about the future that may or may not happen.

This is what I have been told: what your daughter will learn will be entirely up to you and your H. Will she learn that real men fall down and then pick themselves up and take responsibility for their actions and do the right thing? Or will she learn that men fall down and never learn?

And if it is the latter you can remind her that her dad is not an example of ALL men but one that chose that path to go and show her all the other men that falter in thier lives and rely on the Lord's grace to help them make reparations and pick up the pieces, like David in the bible. He blew it big time and yet....he was the apple of God's eye.

She can learn responsibility and how to face up to the truth and bad choices you make. Hopefully she will learn this from her dad and not have to learn it by making the mistake herself.

If you two can get through this and she sees the love, forgiveness and grace you have shown her father, and sees his love, honor and respect for you-----that will teach her a whole heck of a lot about men, women AND marriage--it's real life and it's not perfect but it's what we do during times of adversity that show our true colors.

And if you choose NC then your daughter will not have to deal with this embarrassing stuff explaining it to her friends. That was hard for my oldest ( now 11, 9 1/2 at the time of meeting OC).

Sunny,

I feel your pain & remember how overwhelming & devastating this all was to me at the time of discovery. I was fortunate in a way that my DS was 19 at the time & old enough to handle it, but yet he still felt embarassment & anger at my H.

DS has seen OC, held her & taken pictures w/ her. He takes after me a lot, most C's would not want any part of OC I would think.

My H & DS have not sat down & talked about any of this, they never had a close relationship anyway & H says he will do this soon, better late than never I guess. I have tried to enstill in DS the values of a Godly Man & let him know that as KT said, which was very good advice by the way, even Godly Men slip, we all slip, but what we do after the slip determines how we line up in God's eyes & others & shows our true character.

I say REJOICE too! No matter the circumstances our God is bigger than any problem here on earth!

God Bless
BG <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So if we can show her the good and forgiveness side of all this than she will be fine. But if she feels the negative thats what she will learn. I need to try and be possitive and not think the worst is going to happen. I told H that 3-13-04 was our weekend alone at the cabin and we had alot of things to talk about. I should have an attorney by then and we can put in writting what we want done and how its going to be done and she will have to except it. H said what ever we need to do and of course I'm taking care of the mess. (talking to attorney's & stuff) September seems so far away and I told him we where going to plan to go on a cruise w/ some of our friends and plan it for when the baby is due. I don't want her to think we even care when she has it. This woman just kills me ! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I really don't want to be in town when she has it. Do most people feel that way?

Well good for you! You have asked questions, looked into what is necessary for you and your child. Have spoken with your husband about things. See, you can handle this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

As for your darling daughter, I agree with the above. You can teach her forgivenes, and love and respect, all of it. You can also teach her what the consequences of our actions are.

Being on a cruise is a wonderful way to spend your time in September. Let the ow wallow in her misery and go through labor and delivery alone. This baby is of no concern at all to your family. What will be will be! Going on a cruise while oc is due, certainly puts ow and her oc into perspective doesn't it.

Good for you. Now keep educating yourself on all the laws and info that you need. Knowledge is power afterall. Then go and live your life. Ignore ow and her petty manipulative games.

Keep your eye keenly on the future and you will be fine. Afterall, living well is the best revenge. She will be ankle deep in diapers, and alone at night feedings. YOU will be dancing under the stars, wrapped in your husbands arms, enjoying the trade breezes across your tanned skin. Open your heart and let his love help heal the damage.