Let me just say that I am fairly new here. I posted after I first found out but have not posted in months.

I was reading one of your responses and then your post about being an OC. May I plase ask you some questions?

My H's OW is pregnant and has decided to keep the child. I believe she is due in May or June. My H and I have struggled with our marriage for about 2 years now. He decided, just before we found out about the pregnancy, that he wanted his marriage back. We have been doing good since, with a few bumps here and there.

Anyway, my H has not decide on C or NC. He goes both ways on that issue. Feels like the best thing for us and our two kids would be NC. Then he feels guilty for not being a father to OC, that it's not fair to OC. As a side note: My H made it very clear to OW that even if they did end up being together that he in now way wanted more children.

I guess my question to you is as an OC and a BS (I think), if you bio father was a decent guy with good qualities would you feel like he was a jerk for not having contact with you?

Just looking for any directioni on this decision. No matter what my H decides, I will stand behind him. I have to admit, that contact with OC would be doable for me. It's his contact with OW that would cause me great pain and stress.

Thanks,

Mary Janes
I would love to hear from you. I hope I did not offend you by my question.
Thanks

Interesting question. I am not an OC but ironically I'm dealing with this very same issue. OC was born a couple weeks ago. I just found out about his existence this week (still in shock actually - barely functioning).

My H wants to work things out with us and has had nothing to do with OW since last May (right after conception). We're still sorting through things but I can tell he wants to support OC financially and other. I don't think I can deal with it. In fact, I know I can't. I can't even imagine seeing the child EVER and what's odd is I don't feel any guilt about feeling like this. Now that you post this topic it has made me think a little more about it. I'm anxious to see responses.

Best of luck with your situation. We start invidividual counseling next week. I'm just taking one day at a time. One minute I feel I can muster the energy to work through this and grow from it and the next minute I want to die. It's horrible and I just want it over and out of my life.

Good luck.

I am not an OC but my dad was not my sperm donor so I have a little bit of personal experience here.

for what it's worth.....

My mom was a teenage mom, pg @ 17, sperm donor was older (20 i think) left her upon pronouncement of pg. My mom met my dad while pg w/ me, they all ran in the same social circles I guess, and knew each other.

So around 9 or so my parents tell me this bio glitch that my dad is not my dad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I didn't think much of it and didn't see what the big deal was until my teenage years. I had fantasies that he was rich and really wanted me and was sure my life with him would be so much better if I could just find him. Typical teenage drama. I felt a little rejected too.

Then I grew up. I realized that he is who he is---whoever that is and I don't care. It may be different because I grew up with a dad. My mom did not paint a nice picture of this sperm donor either but I have no hard feelings whatsoever because I have NO feelings towards him what so ever.

He made his choice and my mom made hers. She never even pursued any CS from him because she did not want either of us (her or me) to have anything to do with him. She made that choice and felt it was best.

I even had the opportunity to meet him unexpectantly as an adult. It was very awkward and both he and my mom had this conversation as if I was not there. It was wierd.

As a BS with an OC now....I too am partly concerned w/ what OC would think of my H and us.

If we had continued w/ NC (which we may still eventually choose) it won't matter what our reasons are if OC never seeks us out and if she did I would tell her the truth: Her mother got involved w/ a married man, obvious by looking @ our family, H should have never been with her mother and decided to correct mistake by staying with wife and family. We knew it would be best for EVERYONE, her included, to choose NC. I would explain that OW did not want us to be involved and thought it was best for OC also. I would tell her how sorry I am that she was hurt along with my children by all of this. (and I would show her all the emails, court papers and other correspondance of all the times her mother made it difficult for us to maintain a relationship with her without jeapordizing or hurting our family)

If we stay w/ C I still am concerned with what questions may come up in the future, especially since OW's "story" is one of complete innocence.

But I don't worry about that too much any more because OC will think whatever she wants and believe whoever she chooses. There is nothing I can do about that. I can't control that. I expect that she will believe whatever story her mother tells her anyway.

Dear LMF,

You didn't offend me with your question. I am much harder to offend than that--you'd probably have to be my spouse, cheat on me and father a child with another woman to do that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You should be able to follow a link to my story as an OC by looking in my sig line.

I don't post here much anymore. I am tyring to overcome my obsession with this site. That is why I am slow replying--besides I had outpatient surgery last week, we have two high-needs kids and life is good, busy and good.

My birth father doesn't know about me. He was not married during his time with my mother. My mother never told him of her pregnancy because his alcoholism was starting to show, my father still wanted to reconcile and she knew he would be a better father. My father knew of the pregnancy and still wanted to reconcile. He (somehow) considers me a wanted child. He says he was there for every important moment in my life--except the least important--my conception. Wow! that's just blows me away.

As for my bio-father, he (I guess) never put two and two together and figured out that I was conceived during my mother's separation from my Dad (guy who raised me). It seems he should have figured it out. He was on the fringe of our family's social circle and he saw me a couple of times per year. I have seen him once as an adult since I learned the truth about my biological paternity. I didn't see much there that would attract me to pursue a relationship with him. I don't feel much about him either way. I got all the dad I needed when my mother returned to her marriage.

Feel free to ask follow-ups. I will try to drop in and check on this thread.

MJ

Thank you all for your response. I find every one of them helpful.

huntington, although you may not be an OC, I find your response very helpful because you still went through the whole "not being raised by your bio father thing." That in a nutshell is what I am talking about.

My H is concerend that he is not being a moral or good person by having NC with child. He says that he may have not been moral before but he should do what he can, when he can. I think he fears that the child will hate him or perhaps he will hate himself for turning his back on his responsibility.

I have a friend who's sister was an OC. The man was married and he chose never to have contact with OC. Her sis was raised by my friend's father as his own. Her sis feels this man is her father and has no concern for the bio father. My friend also think that a married man made the right choice, his wife and family.

ktbunch. I am right with you. At times I think I can do it but at others I feel like I can't. I think I can handle the OC but not the OW. Maybe when my marriage is on more stable ground but I feel like we are just starting out and I still feel very vulnerable.

My other fear is what others will think. It's bad enough that they know of my H's A but to know this! And there is no way to hide a new child that visits your home every other week. I don't think it takes a genius to figure it out.

Sorry, I am just rambling.