It's been so long since I've posted here. I've forgotten how wonderful it is to have a place to just vent about the million and one ways this situation can have such a far reaching impact on your life.

My H's grandmother passed away on Friday. My H is currently deployed so to add to the stress of a funeral, I was also worred that he wasn't taking the death, and not being able to come home very well. On top of that, I am now taking care of our two beautiful baby boys (one is 2 & 1/2 the other two months) by myself.

Well, that scenario sets the stage for just how stressful my life is right about now. So here's the trigger,
in the obituary for his granny, they listed the number of children and grandchildren and great grand children. And of course, they counted the oc (aka lil lady). Please don't get me wrong, I would have expected them to count her because after all she is a part of his family and we never tried to deny it.
The trigger came when the ladies of the family began to sit around and chat as we so often do. The men had gone off and to drink and do whatever it is they do....and the topic of counting children, grand and great grand children came up. And then it happened, his mother, my mother in law, publicly acknowledged lil lady for the first time in front of the family. It caught me off guard because by now, I've begun to put much of that fiasco behind me. You see, while my H was away at war, I've had time to really sort out how I feel, and I know in my heart contact would be detrimental to our marriage. We tried it, things didn't work, so now, I'm ready to move on make the best of our lives together with our sons. But just when you think it's safe to breath a sigh of relief, something comes up and sets off a whole new flock of butterfiles in my belly.

And the grieving process starts all over again. Except at this point in my healing, I'm beyond denial, I immediately go to the moment I decided to stay in the marriage in spite of the oc. ANd i wonder to myself, should I have stayed? I get angry with him for betraying me, and then I get angry with myself for forgiving him. And this process lasts for about a day, then I'm right back at square one all over again, picking up the pieces and finding ways to deal with my 'mini' crisis.
Not expecting a response to this thread, just needed to find a way to release the toxic stuff without making my battle weary husband more unsettled than he already is...
I think the thing that bugs me the most is, if we had lied about the whole thing and kept it a secret frm my m i l, I wonder if anyone else would have ever known other than his brother. I thought by being honest and trying to incorperate her into our lives, we were doing the noble thing...but who knew nobility and honesty could come at such an enourmous price!!
Sometimes I wish we would have just treated the whole thing as a dirty little secret and swept the whole thing under the rug like I'm sure SO many other couples have done. I think that's another post....

Your MIL hurt you very much, but perhaps it was not on purpose. Is there any way it was an oversight?
I'm sorry you are hurting.

ember

ember,

I'm sure it was an oversight on her part...i know it wasn't intentional. It's almost like....how long can a group of people in a room go without acknowledging the elephant in the room with them.....everyone knew, but just didn't say anything about it. So I guess it was just high time for my MIL to claim her and move on. She was embarrassed and angry about his betrayal as well, so I know it wasn't malicious, but....just wish it was my husband hearing it all instead of me....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by toobadsosad:
[QBI thought by being honest and trying to incorperate her into our lives, we were doing the noble thing...but who knew nobility and honesty could come at such an enourmous price!!
Sometimes I wish we would have just treated the whole thing as a dirty little secret and swept the whole thing under the rug like I'm sure SO many other couples have done. I think that's another post.... [/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know EXACTLY how you feel. We have C w/ OC but didn't start until OC was 4 1/2 yo. It's been almost 2 years now since letting it all "out" and dealing with all the repurcussions of that.

Thanks for sharing. Take care of yourself and GOd bless.

Oh you poor thing. You really have your hands full right now.

I think you should ask your MIL to babysit the boys for a weekend and take some time to yourself with some friends. Shop, do lunch, a movie. Girl stuff! Explain to your mother in law how hard it is to be alone at this time, how you are concerned about your husband, how you need some "me" time. Then politely explain how the talk of OC was hard on you, and brought back painfull memories at an already painfull time in your life. Let her know it hurt. You don't need to be angry, just be honest. Let her know.

As for the rest of the family, well, they probably already knew about oc right? So really, this is something that you have known about, it is old news, just highlighted for a bit. Trust me, people are quite self absorbed and that little discussion probably just flew right on by the news of the day. YOU are the one who is sensitive to this. Not them. So, you are totally normal being weirded out about it. But this isn't new hurt, it's like somebody picked a a bit at the scab.

I hope your husband is safe. Is he in Iraq? No matter where he is I will say a little prayer for him. And for you.