Hello all, I am an avid reader and mostly a lurker on the site, but have posted before under the Screen name HumbleOne some time ago. I have followed many of your stories and implemented some of the advice that has been given by members in order to salvage my marriage. I will have celebrated my 15th wedding anniversary this year well to sum it up, my FWW (or not so FW) got pregnant by an OM back in 98. She gave birth to twins. I found MB almost 6 years ago and utilized its principles to try to keep my family together. I have two children that are mine biologically and a stepdaughter too. Yep that makes five. The reason I am writing this is that last night I found that the W has been in continuous contact with the OM who lives across the country most likely for the last 5 years or more. After finding receipts from the post office as well as a letter sent to her P.O. Box from the OM she could not deny anything. One of the prerequisites for me to accept her pregnancy and raise the twins as my own was that she was to never have contact with the OM again. She agreed to this, and back then I made it clear to her that if I found out she did continue contact the marriage would be over. She even admitted to send baby pictures to the OM some time ago when our marriage was what she said over in her eyes. This was back in Jan of 2002. I implemented a flawless plan A back then and was certainly under the impression things have been good since then. I am totally shocked. Can’t even think straight and am already on 300mg of Wellbutrin way before this discovery. I did not straight out ask her for a divorce out of hurt anger last night because so many of you have said to each other in the past that it is best to get your head together after the discovery before making any decisions. There are many issues and allot of more reasons how I got here today, but did not want to write a novel. What should I do, I still love her and all, but I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust her again. Help me please!

Humble,
Stunning! I am so sorry for your situation. VERY impressed that you remembered such advice under great strain. OH MY. I hope others have some great MB advice for you re: long-term.

Meanwhile, be extra nice to yourself!! Take good care of the basics--eat, drink, exercise, sleep when you can.

A prayer,
J, recovery 5y

HumbleOne,

Whewww...I just finished reading MANY of your past posts and frankly, I'm kinda at a loss for words! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

After having read this one post my suggestion would have been Plan A, plan A, plan A but your past posts indicate you've been Plan Aing for several years now!!

Are you still in counseling? Did she ever go to any more than the two sessions you mentioned in other posts? What response did she have when you told her you found out about the continued contact with OM? And what about OM#2? Is he still in the picture? Her explaination for associating with him is what?

You are absolutely right about no immediate life-altering decisions after such a traumatic discovery. However I really think you need to start reading up on Plan B. Not only was her continued contact with OM after the birth of the twins a betrayal but her newer contact with OM#2(the felon) is just plain dangerous. She seriously needs a wakeup call. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

HumbleOne, please keep posting. The weekends are slow but the regulars will stop in soon. And hopefully you will get more advice and support!!

<small>[ February 21, 2004, 05:17 PM: Message edited by: Nerlycrzy ]</small>

Thank you Nerl and Jenny,
Yeah I am prettymuch destroyed as a man and a human being. I posted an updat to my sit. on the Divorce/Divorcing board, but on the advise of an attorney looks as if I am hosed financially if I persue that route. Plan B not an option either. Yes I have been in Plan A for years but it has been less than perfect, but pretty dern good for me anyways. I am forever changed as a person, don't know if I will ever get back to being that all liked, witty , and funny guy she married. I am not sure if I need to move to recovery, cause I an not in it, sort of in a void if you ya know what I mean. Thanks for responding I look forward to hearing more ideas and suggestions.

This must be every BS worst nightmare--you take your WS back and try to rebuild the trust only to have it shattered again!!!!!! I'm so sorry.

What does your wife say about this? What was her motivation even when things were good? And if she thought the marriage was "over" then why didn't she file for divorce back then? What does she think about things now?

Again, I'm so sorry.

PS: I've been there, in different ways, but my marriage has had it's trust "tested" & broken a few times. We're still together, I don't know if that counts for anything or not. But I feel for you and understand. Take care.

<small>[ February 23, 2004, 04:03 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

Humble,
what's your wife's attitude at this point? I don't know how you can recover if she isn't willing to work on it, although I don't think it's hopeless if she is willing to put more effort. I'm really so sorry. Your pain and grief is totally understandable, and I hope you've got a counselor and someone who is sympathetic to your situation and wishes. No one deserves to be treated like this, yet it seems to happen every day.

Prayer for you,
J

Thanks Jenny,
I have more of the saga that I have been responding to on Divorce/Divorcing Board. I hope the the Infamous "K" sees t my thread and offers his wisdom too!

HO, I can't imagine the pain this has caused you. I am so sorry. I am at a loss of words.

ember

I am so sorry to read this, Humble One.

I'm here to support you as, I too, experienced the same. My H and I reconciled for 7+ years after he fathered 2 OC from 2 OW.

He didn't want to participate in the OCs lives, but we of course did pay CS. Then when the two boys were 7+ he decided he wanted to start seeing them, long story short he also started having an affair A AGAIN with OW #2.

This situation I was in was a nightmare to put it mildly. There was blame placed on me from every direction for everything by my husband and the OW.

Primarily, that I was the sole reason my H hadn't participated in the OW's son's life and the reason all those years were lost with his son. My H allowed OW to believe this was my unilateral decision, how convenient for him. They, H & OW, were excessively horrible to me, it was just a nightmare beyond comprehension.

I'm saying prayers for you.

God Bless,
Jo