romon04
Junior Member
Member # 33407

posted 02-21-2004 03:30 PM
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Well,
I'm not proud to admit I'm new to this situation.. the thing that surprises me is how many other people are going through this same thing. I am 8 months preg, back in Sept., my H moved to SC for a job. My 2 1/2 yr old daughter and I stayed behind to wrap things up and sell our home (in OH). Well, it took longer than anticipated and we only got to see each other every couple of weeks or so, until Jan. when we were finally able to all live together again as a family. Well, around XMAS time, I really noticed some changes in H, owed it up to depression-- not being w/ his family, living on his own, etc. I questioned him about someone else, but he denied it, and I probably just accepted it b/c I didn't want to face this possibility. Well, as soon as I moved down, it was apparent that there had been an A. I cried alot, didn't take care of myself, COULDN'T take care of my daughter, and just about fell apart. I still think a death is an easier thing to accept than the kind of betrayal that has occurred. In any case, as we mutually agreed to attend counseling, the communication b/w OW and H did not end completely. I found out 3 weeks later that she was preg. and it was most likely his C. Talk about devestation. I want absolutely nothing to do w/ this C. I have two of my own to be concerned about and as selfish as it sounds, my children come first. They need their father. This other C, if it is his (and only DNA testing will confirm this in the fall) I want nothing to do with. I don't even want HIM to have anything to do w/ it. I feel like this should be his punishment for the sin he has committed. He and I have been apart for the past 2 weeks, I went back to OH to think things out, he stayed to think as well. He says he wants us to try to work it out. The OW (separted w/ 2 other C ) has moved in w/ friends, afraid that she may lose her C due to the A and preg as her husband is confident the C is not his own.
How do you get past the awkwardness of the situation? I feel like I'm living w/ a stranger. How do you start again? When will I feel secure again? Will I ever?
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Posts: 1 | Registered: Feb 2004 | IP: Logged |

romon4,

I am so sorry to have to welcome you to Marriage Builders P/C forum but you have come to the right place. You'll find a lot of advice, support and comfort here. What you are going through now is the worst you are going to feel so now there is nowhere to go but up.

First of all, you are experiencing the worst possible thing that can happen to a marriage. An affair is bad enough, but to include an OC into the situation maximizes the pain. There is nothing worse. Nothing.

The stages you will experience over the next year will be confusing because you will go from profound grief to outrage to denial and back again. The stages will shift around and until you get through the grieving part of it and settle into a kind of acceptance where you will be able to think more clearly and finally make some decisions.

The first thing you need to do is begin by reading everything you can on this site, starting with The General Welcome for New Builders . Lots of VERY useful information and links there to help you understand this site and the advice you will receive on the forums. Learn the Harley very effective principles and methods for marital and personal recovery. If your H is sincere and determined to make this marriage work, then he should begin reading all the material available to rebuild the marriage. Whether or not your H embraces this program of recovery, it is important for you to do so just for your own personal recovery from such a devastating blow such as this.

If you decide the marriage is worth saving and that you are willing to do what is necessary to rebuild, then learning the Harley Principles is the best place to start. Some strongly suggest you both get into marital counseling with a pro-marriage counselor, preferably someone familiar with the Harley Principles (because these policies really work). Phone counseling is also available on this site with the Harleys.

While you are in so much turmoil, you should not make any drastic decisions about anything. Let everything settle down for a while and after you feel you have calmed down enough to think clearly, you can consider some decisions.

The hardest thing is the disappointment and confusion over the Betrayal. The shock that someone you love so much is capable of doing something so horrible is something you'll never be able to shake completely. It will get easier in time. I know it is hard to imagine now that there will ever come a time where you won't be agonizing over all this, but you will get through this even if you decide to stay in the marriage as long as your H works the recovery. This is a time for you and your H to re-connect, to talk openly and honestly about what has happened and why it happened, and then to make every effort to re-build your marriage. This is a time for the two of you to concentrate on each other.

While it is heartbreaking to know that so many women and men share this problem, at the same time, it gives you hope that recovery is possible. You will learn to laugh again, love with your whole heart again, and trust again. But, it will take time and effort . If your H is committed to making the marriage the safe place for you both that it once was, you can move forward together. But you will also realize YOU are important too! You matter! If he is not capable of working with you to rebuild the marriage, YOU are capable of successfully surviving independently.

There are wonderful, knowledgable, compassionate people on this site. Keep posting. Draw from the wisdom and strength of those who have been through this and survived it. Share experiences with those that are travelling that same road with you. Just know you are not alone. Recovery is possible and that you won't always feel this horrible. Time, lots of work and patience and it will get better.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Nerlycrzy,
Thanks so much for the warm welcome. I've been reading alot of the boards today.. even been reading some of them to my H per his request (over the phone). His question is where can he find some messages posted from other WH and how they have dealt w/ the situation of OC. He's struggling w/ the NC issue. He is afraid of what the OC may face financially, (OW is apparently not well-off)and feels guilty that a possible C of his would not be provided for the way it should be. I know him well enough to know that contact would be too hard for him to deal w/. He wouldn't be able to just walk away after he saw him/her. Still, I feel like this is premature seeing as how the C won't be born for so many months yet and there's still the issue of a DNA test to contend w/. Although, he's pretty confident that it's his C. I still feel like ok, we SHOULD come up w/ a plan to handle the situation whether it's CS w/ NC or nothing at all (which I think he couldn't live w/). But the more important thing right now is to get US back on track if that's what we're going to do-- which is what we both have said we want.
He's coming to OH tomorrow to come a take us back ... I'm nervous, but a little anxious, hopeful but scared. I just don't want to be disappointed yet again...
Thanks,
romon04

romon4,

"Thanks so much for the warm welcome. I've been reading alot of the boards today.. even been reading some of them to my H per his request (over the phone)."

This is GOOD! Read, read, read. As someone that thought I was pretty knowledgable about relationships, I was suprised how much I really didn't know prior to Dday. And your H's interest and willingness to learn is encouraging.

"His question is where can he find some messages posted from other WH and how they have dealt w/ the situation of OC."

Although we have many many F(former)WH's posting on various sites on MB, I can't think of any we currently have posting on the P/C forum. Most of the men that post here are BH's and the OC has been the result of the W's EMR. That's not to say we haven't had a few FWH's on here but they usually ask their questions and unfortunately don't stay around long. Your H is welcome to create his own log on name and post also. BS or FWS does not matter. The only requirement for MB is that you are working on rebuilding your marriage or helping & supporting others.

"He's struggling w/ the NC issue. He is afraid of what the OC may face financially, (OW is apparently not well-off)and feels guilty that a possible C of his would not be provided for the way it should be."

This is always a very touchy issue on this forum, as it is in "real life." There will be those coming along to post to you that believe VERY strongly in NC. And those that believe just as strongly in contact. Please remember everyone is posting from THEIR particular situation which may not be (and probably isn't) the same as yours. You and your H will have to decide TOGETHER, using the POJA, what will work BEST for you TWO.

"I know him well enough to know that contact would be too hard for him to deal w/. He wouldn't be able to just walk away after he saw him/her."

Contact should mean REGULAR visitation. Something you BOTH have to seriously consider.

"Still, I feel like this is premature seeing as how the C won't be born for so many months yet and there's still the issue of a DNA test to contend w/. Although, he's pretty confident that it's his C."

You're right. The most important thing right now is re-connecting with your H and rebuilding your marriage. And there have been several posters here whose H's were just as sure the baby was theirs only to have the DNA test prove them wrong. It DOES happen!

"I still feel like ok, we SHOULD come up w/ a plan to handle the situation whether it's CS w/ NC or nothing at all (which I think he couldn't live w/). But the more important thing right now is to get US back on track if that's what we're going to do-- which is what we both have said we want."

Right!! After you two are on firmer ground, there is plenty of time to make decisions. In the meanwhile, NC with the OW (did he send a NC letter?)

"He's coming to OH tomorrow to come a take us back ... I'm nervous, but a little anxious, hopeful but scared. I just don't want to be disappointed yet again... "

I know it's scary but let him help you. Allow him to soothe your fears, (are you 8 months pregnant now?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) let him comfort and wait on you!! And have a safe trip home!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am so sorry you are in the spot. You will survive and your family can move on from this devastation.

I am one who is strongly against contact. I see it as hurtfull to the nuclear family. I firmly believe that the oc is not the only one who matters in this situation. You and your children of the marriage are hurt and your wishes and hopes and needs are vital to the future and well being of your family. I see contact as drama that only takes into consideration the needs of the oc. Without care or concern for the feelings of the wife and her children.

You need to protect family assets. You should at least speak to an attorney about separation and child support for your child. As you are working this out, at least you will know that you and your child will be taken care of in the event that the marriage doesn't make it. The first to file for CS gets the most, who comes later gets less. So, make sure YOUR children come first in the $$. Don't feel guilty either. OW will come after your H for every dollar they can get. Those $$ will be coming out of YOUR childrens lives, so protect your assets right now. Can you have a deed that signs the house in your name, with your husband paying the payments? Have that set up legally and he can't NOT pay the payments and you will always have a roof over your head. Protect yourself at all costs here. No matter what, get child support on the books for yourself FIRST by legally separating.

As for contact issue. This has to be disected at all angles from both sides. YOU and YOUR feelings matter. You say your husband would want contact. Well, what does HE think YOU want? Ask him that. Ask him what he thinks YOU will/can accept. See what he says. Are YOUR feelings and wishes being considered? Or does oc obliterate your wants and needs? What about your children. Does oc needs/wishes come before them too? This is where I am most vocal. Everyone cries "best for the oc" as if nobody else matters. How are you going to feel someday when your child has a soccer game and oc has a soccer game at another facitlity, same time. Where does H go? Is YOUR child expected to not have his/her father at the game cause of oc? That is a minor in what can really come up.


The OC is innocent. Yes. We are all well aware of that. BUT so are you and your children. Don't allow anyone to force you into anything at this point. You have needs that need to be addressed. This is YOUR marriage and YOUR life. Just as you can't tell him "I refuse to allow you to have contact with oc......." nor can he say "I demand that oc be welcome into our family.." This has to be addressed openly and honestly. Neither forcing the other.

You take legal means to protect you and your children. If he gets upset, let him know that you have to protect yourself and your children, that he has proven to NOT put you first. Somebody has to look out for your family, and it will be you. That way, if the marriage doesn't work out, your children are not 2nd to the oc. Should all work out, then at least you have protected family finances for the family it was intended.


I agree with the above. You can read many different stories here. People from all sides actually. We all have different thoughts, views and results. We have women who have contact and are fine with it. We have others who have contact and are miserable. We have those who have chosen no contact and are just fine. Men who are raising oc, etc. The gamut is here.

Read around. You will see many variations of how this plays out. Just don't you ever forget that YOU are important. YOUR feelings matter. This is your one and only life and YOU have a right to live as you wish. The oc is NOT the most important person in this mess. Just one of many who will be hurt by the selfish actions of the two who created it.