I am new to this message forum and actually discovered it during a search for answers, comfort and sanity in dealing with a situation that is more than a little unusual. I have read over many of the submissions and feedback here and I must say that I am still very afraid and ashamed to be open about my issue though I feel that the only way I will be able to see some light at the end of the tunnel is to have others help shed some light for me.

I am a divorced mother of two sons. The oldest will soon be 18, graduating with honors and is off to college this year. My youngest just had his 13th birthday and is experiencing some emotional problems going into puberty. My marriage to their father ended 5 years ago after 13 years of struggling. It was very much a mutual decision due to the ongoing problems that we encountered early on in the marriage. We married for all the wrong reasons and knew that even though we were determined to make it work “for the children”. We were young and dumb when we married. The day before we married I had my 18th birthday and two weeks later I gave birth to my oldest. Like I said, all the wrong reasons.

My Ex and I share the children with no problems what so ever. We have discovered that we cant exactly pal around together without confusing ourselves and the children but, we do manage well for a divorced couple. The boys see us both every day and on Holidays we all have our fair share of family time. I am not remarried and neither is he though we both have someone new in our lives.

Back in school I made some really tough discoveries about myself. Not only was I a problem child for my mother, I was learning things about myself sexually. I was, at the very least, bi-curious. I even had episodes of time when I was certain I was a lesbian. My first sexual experience with a male was just to prove to myself that I wasn’t.

To make a long story short (yeah right) I started to blame the failure of my marriage on my inability to outgrow or forget about that “wild” side of myself. I wanted and needed to test the waters again. I needed happiness and was worried that the only way I would find that was with another female. I was wrong. After experimenting for a while, I realized that I do still desire both men and women.

A little over two years ago, I met a very wonderful man on the internet. He was not only understanding about my desires but he comforted me with reassurance that someday I would find myself or at least a happy medium that I could live with. He was right, to a point.

After months of talking online and the telephone, we met face to face. A few months later, he relocated to live with me and our search for the perfect third went into high gear. We have a lot of time away from the boys on weekends and Summers so we used that time to meet others and consider the possibilities of a full-time three-way relationship. Sounds good in theory even as I explain it but, I’ve had a rude awakening.

On New Years Eve, we and several of our friends got together. It was only the third time that we spent time with “her”. It was fun. A night of dancing and drinking and just hanging out for fun. At midnight, we all shared kisses. Nothing over the top at all though I remember clearly how I felt when I kissed “her” but I remember even more clearly how I felt when HE kissed “her”.

We had friends here from out of town so we all got together again the following day for New Years. A few days later, after much discussion, we had yet another night of partying arranged. We had dinner and drinks then parted ways in the hallway. For the first time since He and I met, we were having sexual experiences separately. I was with a dear friend and lover that I have known for years and He was with “her”. We all agreed on how this would happen and we were all fine. There was some twinging, don’t get me wrong. Infact, looking back, there was a moment when I nearly called the whole thing off. Now I wish I had.

The next morning, things seemed to be ok. He and I met up in the shower and later He went to work and I was left there with the other two. Nothing happened other than the fact that my mind played tricks on me all day. I was upset and ready to call the whole thing quits forever.

Later, “she” went home and for the next couple of days we managed to wind down and finally see our last guest off at the airport. That's where it all started. Jealousy, doubt, rage. He was feeling differently because of the experience I had with my friend/lover and I was feeling the same way about “her”. Play with fire and all that jazz, right? We met up with “her” once more that week. The three of us were together but, “she” wasn’t the one and we were realizing that, despite our hopes, the one doesn’t exist.

Time passed and we started to focus more on us, just Him and me. He’s up for a new job in this area so it felt like things were starting to fall into place. He wouldn’t have to relocate to be near His kids because the new job would allow Him the time off and the financial freedom he needed to be able to travel to see them more often. We actually discussed the M word without the consideration of a third. We agreed that we would still play from time to time once we felt we were ready for that again.

The week before Valentine’s Day, two weeks ago now, He came home from work. I was excited. I had ordered a gift for Him that had arrived early and I couldn’t wait to give it to Him. I could tell something was up. I was afraid because the look on His face told me that the news wasn’t good.

“Her test was positive” was all He could say. I’m stupid. I’m wondering who and what test. Then He goes into this huge explanation. He tells me how “she” had spoke with Him the night before and told Him that "she" suspected “she” was pregnant and would be having a test the next day. Then He goes on to tell me that she contacted Him at work to confirm. She’s pregnant.

Now keep in mind that this isn’t even a possibility in my mind. There must be some mistake. We gather our wits and we go over to her house to all speak face to face. I’m told that there were some issues with the protection and that there’s almost no doubt who this baby belongs to. So I start rolling off options. Wait, they have already discussed that. There is already a decision. The baby is due on October 9th. Exactly 9 months from the night He was alone with her. Shock is an understatement. I had questions. Lots of questions.

I’ve been with Him long enough and I know Him well enough to know that He wasn’t telling me the truth. He doesn’t lie. I just couldn’t put it all together. I asked questions though. I was trying to decide if I could play an equal third in the birth of this child and help raise it like they wanted.

After days of this eating away at me (and them) I started to question deeper. Packed to leave because I knew there was some dishonesty not to mention the fact that I was guilting myself over the facts. I was there. I approved, I played a part in this just like the two of them did. I love this man. Our lives were just starting to come together on a new level.

Anyway, after days of my insane ranting and questioning He started to admit some things about that night. The protection didn’t fail. He did. They used protection (as that is my number one rule, always). To me it’s been more about disease than anything. But ok, we’re faced with a baby.

The final truth? Because of the alcohol He was having difficulty with the condoms. They went through two. At the last second, in the heat of a moment He lost himself. There was no discussion between them about it. He hoped for the best. Couldn’t bring Himself to tell me for a whole host of reasons. Loves me like He did before we ever met “her” and still wants to marry me. In His own heart and mind it was nothing more than a bad judgment call in the heat of a moment.

I’ve been there and done that. Have an 18 year old to show for it. I understand how it can happen but that doesn’t change how it makes me feel. Ofcourse I blame myself in part because I should have been there.

I believe in His love for me and I want to get past this and forgive Him for whatever it is in my own mind that I think He did to me. I’m not sure what that is. When I am rational, I feel I can do this. I do not want to throw this man out of my life. I want to get past this. I want to be there for Him through the birth of this child.

When I am less than rational, I want to simply throw in the towel. My entire life has changed and I have no choice in the matter. It will require some adjustment for my children. Selfishly, I do no want them to have to deal with this. I do not want to have to deal with this. I feel as though my trust in Him has been shattered.

I have decided that there will be NO more sexual sharing of any kind for me (He agrees to this 100%).

Please, if there’s anyone out there with advice, let me have it. I want and need to get through this without letting it eat me up inside 24/7.

Thank You for taking the time to read my Jerry Springer Story.

what i don't understand is what exactly it is that is eating at you.

that he had sex with another woman? obviously not as you were having it with another man at the same time.

that birth control failed? as you stated you have been in those shoes.

that he was with a good friend of yours? no again you were in the know on that.

that his seed found its way to her egg. one of the risks of sex in the real world.

that someone else is having his baby? now this is someting i can sort of understand.

from what you wrote my best advice for you would be to have all 3 ADULTS sit down and get things worked out. you and he need to figure out if you will carry on with a monogamous relationship or not. that decision has to be shared with the ow. then you should get some counseling on marrital relationships and if you decide he is a keeper work together with him to be the best parents you can for his baby.

as far as your kids knowing i would assume that they know you were dating different people and that he was doing the same. so you simply explain that one of the consequences of those actions is children and that you 2 are going to meet this responsibility together.

It was actually another female that I was with but thats a moot point. I was with someone else at the same time, yes.

I am having the most trouble with the dishonesty. Unprotected sex is a big deal for more reasons than lack of birth control. The fact that she is our friend doesn't mean she can't have STDs.

It bothers me that he made that choice without my consent and had sex with me several times afterwards before even telling me he had lost himself in the heat of that moment and entered her without protection. We're blessed if all we get from this is a child.

My issue is trust. I guess I just need to feel like I am more of a consideration than to just be disregarded for a moment of pleasure after being frustrated by difficulty with condoms.

Honestly, I am very confused about the betrayal I feel. If I don't understand it, I cant expect others to.

Thanks for your feedback.

And yes. It bothers me that she is having his baby.

nsa,

You seem to be living one LOGICAL outcome of a "swinging" lifestyle and are surprised that you feel betrayed and jealous.

I think your case shows an example of why swinging (in or out of marriage) isn't a good idea, not only due to STDs and pregnancy, but because in the end, it was NOT emotionally fulfilling to you personally, nor is it good for your relationship(s).

In my younger days I was led to believe chastity was stupid and unrealistic, but now I see that sex outside of marriage, or at LEAST lack of fidelity to one partner at a time, is harmful for all the above reasons and more (not the least of which are the children effected).

I've got an acquaintance who told me about being bi and swinging (she and her H) in their marriage, and it did not surprise me when they separated within a year. Was that good for her 3 young children? Was it worth the pain to everyone involved?

Maybe it's time for new boundaries on your sex life, for a greater good?

J, 5y in recovery from H's A.

i appoligize for assuming the man vs woman role of your partner.

std's are completely understood and after my w had her A and we had sex i refused to have it again with her until after we had both been examined for just such a thing. the thought if her not caring about my health or the health of her childrens father was very upsetting.

but i must say that in your bf's case as with my w i doubt that common sense had anything to do with at that particular moment in time. my w even told her om prior to their sexual act that she didn't want to become pregnant. he didn't have a condom with him and used the old "i'll pull out" line. the std side of this that upset me so much and showed me how strong the urge was is that she had spent the last year talking to our oldest daugther about not only pregnancy but std's protection (d was 19 and just had her 1st child and had moved back home). yet my w consciously (sp?) agreed to unprotected sex.

point is i understand your being angry and hurt at this. now what to do about it.

1st i would schedule an appointment with the dr for both your and your bf. and maybe even the baby's mother if she would agree to it.

2nd since it sounds like you have already expressed your dissatisfaction with him on his choice you both need to sit down and decide what type of lifestyle you each wish to live.

3rd YOU have to decide for YOURSELF if you can continue in this relationship and be a co-parent to his child. your decision will then determine your next step.

4th i would get some marriage counseling

i may have step 2 and 3 reversed. sorry

now i think you need to count on some of your blessings, one in particular. there was no betrayal of any solemn vows to be true sexually with each other. this may sound like i am disregarding your problem but that is not so. i would venture to say that most people who have a spouse or partner sleep with someone else feel not the betrayal of that person inpregnating another person or becoming pregnat by someone else. but instead of the tremendous pain that that trusted individual caused by even having sex with another person other then the one they were married to. this betrayal by far outwayed the whether or not the om used a condom or not. you may not understand that since your lifestyle differs from mine, but i assure it is true.

you see for me and probably most of us we had very active sex lives prior to marriage. but once we had found that certain someone we gave that all up and took an oath before God and our closest family and friends to be true to that ONE person. and that breach of trust is HUGE. it has nothing to do with the ability for revengeful A's either as most here can probably attest that it wouldn't have been hard to go that path.

as you must well be aware of part of the swinging lifestyle is the failure of sexual protection not only for pregnancy but also for std's.

and i am not trying to sound dumb or niave (which i probably am) but how do 2 women protect themselves from std's when they are together sexually? since we know that women can transfer std's and i am not experienced in that area but how does a woman wear a condom when with another woman. and again my obvious lack of experience tells me that some of the things a woman would do with another woman have very little if no way to protect themselves against such things.

Oral sex on a woman is risky....to make it safe, cover the vulva (genital area) with a piece of plastic wrap. This will keep the fluids out of partners mouth. Latex dams (also called "dental dams") are safe to use for oral sex too.

Sex toys are risky to share but, you can cover them with a condom and put on a fresh one every time it is used by a different person just as if it's a penis.

interesting. i can't imagine wrapping my partner in saran wrap prior to sex. it sure was easier when i was single back in the 60's and 70's. all you had to worry about then was (pregnancy aside) the cost of a doctor visit.