It has been six months.
For the most part, I think that I have been holding up very well. I am starting to have some good days and the shock of it all seems to have lessened a bit.
Where I am still having trouble is seeing FOW. Because we live in such a small community, it seems I run into her several times a month. We were best friends, and I still cannot believe the 10 years of lies and deceit that went on. I did confront her in November and have not spoken to her since. Last weekend, I went out with some friends, and there was FOW sitting at the table next to us. I had a bit of a break-down in the ladies room, because I found it so overwhelming to be that close to her. It hurts so much. A friend helped me by telling me that I was giving away my power, “why would I want to empower her?” she said. She was right, and I wiped my tears and tried to enjoy the rest of my evening.
I wish that I felt differently, that I could get to the point that she means nothing to me. But it is so hard. How can she still be laughing and carrying on while I am right there? It took every ounce of willpower I had to not leave the restaurant or get up and go over to her and slap her silly.
Everyone in that restaurant knows the truth about her, and not just what she did with my husband. This woman gets around, if you know what I mean. I feel so embarrassed that everyone knows. And I didn’t even do anything wrong! I am a very conservative person, and this being the talk of the town has been very difficult for me.
I was so calm when I went to confront her in Nov. I was only worried about OC, so I did not have a chance to yell and scream at her, like I have done to my H. Would finally being able to get it out help me, or make me feel worse? She is not some nameless, faceless OW, she was my closest friend. I shared a huge part of my life with her. The whole thing feels so unfinished…
I have ordered the book People of the Lie and I am hoping that reading it may help me. I really do think this woman is evil. FOW’s oldest daughter and our oldest daughter are good friends so I still know a lot about what goes on in FOW’s life. Her four daughters know all about her immoral behavior. My daughter has even told me that FOW is talked about on the highschool bus by her own children. So when I said that this whole community knows the truth about her, I was not exaggerating.
I know it may seem like I am obsessing about this, but how am I ever supposed to heal if I still see her at the school, or at the one grocery store in town, or the one restaurant? Baseball season is coming up and her and her H are on one of the teams. I can’t stop living my life.
I feel like there was a crime committed against me and I have had absolutely no justice.

There is no justice NOW, but there will be.

When OW looks @ herself in the mirror she can't deny who she is. She may act like she does not care but someday she will.

You can look in the mirror and know you are NOT responsible for sowing a path of destruction.

If you are a Christian you also know that the judgement is not ours but there will be a judgement in the end. It will be worse than anything here on this earth. We all have to answer for ourselves in the end.

I understand your frustration with the idea that OW gets away w/ all of this but if nothing else, she destroyed and lost a very good friendship w/ you and even if she acts tough, she probably misses you.

Let her live her life since that is the only way she can gain her personal fulfillment, not hard to do since she is so shallow!

But you will gain enormous strength, respect and admmiration. Hold your head high. You have nothing to cower from or be embarrassed about. You have showed your class while she has only showed her lack of it. Imagine how embarrassed her poor daughters must be!

It's good to hear how far you have already come. You're gonna make it!

You know what, She is nothing. Really. Even her children bash her? Wow, they must be so proud to have the town ow as a mother. I can only believe that you are not the only woman in town who despises her. She has lost a friend, and with that the respect of many.

Someday she is going to need friends and who will be there? She will end up alone.

YOU are superior to her in every way. She knows it and you better start realizing it. You are a better mother, a better wife, a better friend, a better person. She deep down knows she is just an ow.

Next time you run into her, look at her and then just look away and ignore her. If she says hello, just turn your gaze from her. If you are at a restaurant, you just keep on enjoying your night out. Freeze her out. She is not worth your energy.

What did you do about the children as friends issue?

How is your husband doing,now that the cat is out of the bag?

Forget her. She is as worthless as they get.

Hangin',
you've been doing really good. And 6mo. is too early (imo) for you to be "over it". Recovery from A of said to take 2 years. Recovery from A/OC...?! Family and friends want you to be "over it", and YOU want to be "over it" because grief is uncomfortable--for them and you.

Imo as a betrayed friend/wife and former grieving mother, the grief process isn't that simple. Sometimes, just when you think "yay, I'm really doing better!" something hits you and you're down again. Two steps forward, one step back; sometimes it's 3 steps back, but you make progress over time! Don't get too discouraged, and be extra kind to yourself . Journal or talk to someone you trust (prayer is good). If you still need to smash fruit, rip old magazines, or cry buckets in private, that's okay. Maybe you're past that, and that's okay too.

I'm just saying: you're entitled to your feelings.

Besides that, I wouldn't bother yelling at xow. It just gives her more power. Like the others said, there will be justice for her in other ways.

Reasonable people KNOW that you're innocent and she's NOT, and they are the only sort of people you'd want to know anyway.

I'm sorry you still have to live by her. Have you and H discussed moving? We've been away from xow for 5y and are being sent back to her town by the military; we NEVER wanted to return there, and I plan to stay as far from her as I can (given the stupid locale).

Hug,
J

Thank you for your replies, I can't tell you how much it means to me to know there really are caring and compassionate people out in this world. Thank you again.

I finally went and talked to my pastor yesterday. I asked him about forgiveness. I am having such a hard time with this. I know my husband is very sorry, but this is such a HUGE secret he kept from me. I am not yet ready to forgive him because I still have anger towards him. That would not be fair.

As for FOW. Wow, I know that hating her only hurts me, so I know I have to forgive her one day too. This is tough for me because she shows no remorse at all. Then I thought, maybe she doesn't deserve my forgiveness, but she certainly needs it. She is one out of control, immoral person. I am sure that having my H's child and then keeping that secret has deeply affected her too. When I confronted her in November, I asked her if she had ever been to counseling to help her deal with all of this, her reply to me was; "I can't do that. If I did, then I would have to admit what a bad person I really am."

My pastor told me that I am doing great, that this will all take time. I am human and am having perfectly normal human emotions. I have only been to church once since finding out about all of this. I felt like a hypocrite to be sitting there, mad at God, and having hate in my heart for my former best friend. He said I am farther along than a lot of people that go to church and just go through the motions.

Even my pastor knows of OW and she doesn't attend church. I was surprised at some of his harsh words about her, as I did not expect a pastor to be so angry. I guess he can just see how this whole thing has really traumatized me and wanted to help me feel better.

>What did you do about the children as friends issue?
The girls are still best friends, but they do not visit each others houses anymore. My daughter says when she asks her to come over, she is never allowed. They see each other at school and talk on the phone all the time though. They are very close and have even made up their own secret little language. They have a special bond, always have.

How is your husband doing, now that the cat is out of the bag?
My husband and I are closer than ever before. He is truly sorry and has become a much better husband and Father. I am sure my anger at him will fade, it is just that sometimes I cannot control all of the thoughts in my brain, and now instead of being so sad, as I was, I am so angry! He tells me that he appreciates me so much more than he ever has. Even though finding out about this was the worst moment of my life, I am glad that he finally did tell me. He needed to do that. I know that he is going through a healing process as well.


Thanks for listening.
I read most of the posts on here, but I have a hard time finding anything to say that will seem meaningful. It seems that most everyone has the perfect thing to say and I am struggling so much still. I am usually not this self absorbed! My heart goes out to everyone here. You are absolutely wonderful people.