I have this posted on EN forum where I frequent.

I thought maybe somebody over here could help.

H and I had long phone conversation last night.

To brief you all, H and I been married 11 years, together 15. Two daughters 3 & 7.

H has treated me like princess, apple of his eye for 15 years until 1/06/04 when he came to me crying that he was never in love with me, but he has tried so hard. He did everything to make me happy while sacrificing his own happiness.

Our conv. last night revealed that he had EA from about 12/02-08/03. Never got physical. He said they connected in ways, and didn't in others. I asked him if he was in love with her at the time and he said he wasn't sure. He admits talking to her still a couple times a month but says he talks to me 100 times more.

H says he's been talking to people for years about not being in love with me and they all told him to leave me then. H says he told them he couldn't just up and leave me. He loves me very much and cares for me.

H says he has tried to make it work, but just couldn't lie anymore to me nor himself.

How could he willingly take part in getting me pregnant 2x and bring innocent children into this? That's what is killing me.

I told him last night that when he told this all to me it was like there was a beautiful picture on the wall of the 4 of us and our future together and he took a sledge hammer and smashed it! He said that was my dream, not his.

I told him it makes me sick when my daughters (they don't know anything yet) talk about family vacations, outings etc... Inside of me I am screaming "stop dreaming my innocent ones, they are not going to come true." He replied that they "dream" of these things because that's all they know of, they haven't been shown the "big picture" of the possibilities yet. He means that they haven't been exposed to the possibilities of enjoying a life outside of us 4 being together. H said from beginning that he wants us to see other people.

He doesn't understand that their little hearts are going to break just like mine, and their hearts are so much smaller than mine.

My view is that he's sacrificing their happiness for his own. These girls don't want their mother struggling for the rest of her life to support them. They don't want to lose the only house and yard they know. They don't want to lose their family. I am crying so hard now I could just curl up and die.

I know that there is no "magic cure" or "magic words".

If this is his final decision I just want to pack up and move far away where I can give these girls a future full of their dreams. Every child deserves that. You take away a child's dreams of the future of their family and that child will never recover the right way. They will grow up very uncertain and insecure.

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m01069,

I'm sorry I don't know your complete story and perhaps it would be easier for others to answer if we knew a few more details...

"H and I had long phone conversation last night."

Are you and your H currently separated?

Were you at all aware of this EA or the OW prior to 01/06/04?

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 10:15 AM: Message edited by: Nerlycrzy ]</small>

m, several things:

One, I'm sorry for your pain.

Two, you'll get more replies on the General infidelity board (this is for couples in which one of the affair partners got pregnant outside of marriage).

Three, have you read the MB principles and printed out the questionaires? You may have to "Plan A". His insistance on seeing others is seriously hurting your m. Would your H be willing to read an affair-recovery book?? Is he willing to try counseling?? One of the things I learned and believe is that "in love" thing is all about met needs/unmet needs, NOT about whether you have some magical perfect Mr/Mrs/Right. It is also important to have similar values; but NO relationship is without problems or issues in the long run!!!!

Five, I don't believe he'd stay with you for 15y unless there is something substantial and worth saving. There are many success stories here and I hope your marriage will be saved too...

Keep tryin'
J, over 5y recovery from A/OC and glad I stayed

Jenny you wrote

Five, I don't believe he'd stay with you for 15y unless there is something substantial and worth saving. There are many success stories here and I hope your marriage will be saved too...

I'm so glad to hear that--my husband has stayed for 8 years and isn't in love with me but loves me, cares for me and we truly are best friends--I agree with the needs thing and love bank.

Jenny if you have time read my thread--Albany RU okay

wouldn't mind hearing from you in regards to affair and OC and current situation with my H.

Albany

This is the first letter/posting I have read - being new to the Marriage Builders web site today. I sat in tears after reading your posting. My heart goes out to you, and I would like to tell you what I think, though am not sure it'll be what you want to hear:

You must put your own well being and that of your childrens FIRST. If your husband will not meet you half way and is no longer committed to your marriage, I do not believe time will change anything. Looking in between the lines of your posting, I really do know the pain you are feeling. Please do not feel that your heart will not heal in time - because it will. I also realise that alot of the hurt and pain you are suffering is because what is happening in your family does not fit your ideals for what family life is. It must pain you terribly to remember your history together and wonder if it is coming to an end. Remembering the birth of your children and how you felt your jusband loved you so. It is absolutely terrible to think that your children will siffer because of the actions of your husband - but I do believe children are stronger than we give them credit for.

At the end of the day I would of course like to say I hope your marriage lasts - but it is no good for you and certainly not your children to try and perservere with a marriage if your husband is not equally willing - please for your sake and your childrens it wuld be best to start afresh - you really sound like you need the change if only for your mental growth.

Please find strength in the love you have for your children - and remember how important your life is. I wish you all the best.