Just taking a poll how many have C and how many have N/C. And what do you think are the good/bad of it and would you chose something different if you had it to do over? My concern is my C. and how is it going to effect her in the long run? Is this going to change her as far as her marriage goes? And what kind of person will she see her father as? Or me for that matter. We have 7 mnt to go till OC gets here, so I want to learn as much as poss. from those that have been there and done that. Our C is 11 yr girl. Now she knows that me and H where not together for almost a yr and I guess that would make a difference? She will also figure out that dad was home at xmas by the pictures and OC was conceived in dec also. So I was wondering who did what and what was the out come.

We have no contact.

Dawn

We have no contact.

I think that is better for all involved. The distance from OC is a 2000 miles. We couldn't afford/nor could OW, to send the OC back and forth. For my H to travel there would have taken away from our marriage and our children.

TG

<small>[ March 06, 2004, 10:37 PM: Message edited by: Texasgirl ]</small>

H has NC. OC was adopted in Sept and moved many states away.

Why

No contact, Why should my children be robbed of their childhood. This is an issue for adults to deal with

C on and off, but I wish N/C it hurts too much. Our C are 13,11,6,5, all boys and oc is girl, so they love her and makes me hurt even more.

I was wondering how many did what. Me and H have talked about C and N/C wasn't never considered and I was wondering if I am doing the right thing. For the right reasons. Not just to get back at the OW. I know if it was reversed I don't think I would want the XMM to have contact, just for the fact that the W would be w/ my child. Don't know. I think I get more mixed up by the day. I hear of so many people having N/C than having C. I haven't thought of N/C or expecting my H not to have C. I'm tring to look hard at the effect it will have on our child. She doesn't know and we are not telling her until the test come back and the OC is not due till end 9-04. So I think we need to look at all the area's.

I already know if H & stay together we will have C. If we had a child together I dont' know how I would feel, but being that this is his 1 and only & my son is grown, I would never ask him not to see OC.

I doubt very seriously you would ever put yourself in that situation to be OW pg. w/ MM baby. I personnally don't care if OW doesn't want BW to have C with OC, OW should think about that when they decide to have unprotected sex w/ another woman's H. OW decided to make us step mothers, not that we asked for this title, so I say DEAL WITH IT! If they don't want us to be involved with OC too bad, did we ask them to be invovled w/ our H'S? NO!!!!!

Just my thoughts on the matter. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

We have no contact with oc.

I feel that my children came first and I was not going to disrupt thier childhood and their lives by embarrassing them with a part time sibling. Nor was I going to allow oc into my home. Sorry. Not my problem. If my husband had wanted contact, he would have had to make a decision. It never came to that. He choose no contact also.

I feel that the children of the marriage, as well as the wife are expected to shoulder a burden when contact is happening. They are expected to accomodate the oc. This is putting the needs of one person above others. Sorry. Don't believe in contact. Everyone takes their piece of the hurt pie and moves on with their lives. Oc included.

I understand the ow concern for the oc and not knowing daddy. However, that is the mess she partly created and she has to explain that to the oc. I would think the reason daddy isn't in oc life would be pretty obvious. Just as the MM has to explain to his children the existance of the oc to his children and how he hurt their mother in the process. EVERYONE owns this. The BW and her BC shouldn't be expected to clean up the mess.

Yes your right "Everybody thinks your a saint" But I think we need to discuss the effects on our child and do we want C. ! I liked the post on Abraham and his OC and what God did in that situation. And feeling like your cleaning up the mess is true. I want to do the right thing, but I need to do the right thing for me and my child. I noticed several people saying talk to an attorney and get our children covered before the OW and OC gets CS. Can you do this w/o filing for a D? We are working thru this and I don't plan on leaving, but what if something changes after the OC get here? Then what do I do? Its sad to say but if the OC is a boy, I really think he is going to want C, but if its a girl, I don't think he will make that much of an issue about it. His dad, g-pa, and all the men are like gotta have a boy thing. (Before the OC issue w/ us and our M ) I didn't want anymore and got my tubes tided. But his dad told him well its wrong but maybe you will have your boy? That hurt my feelings! I guess that is a man thing. I just don't know. And no I would never put myself in the OW place. I have morals. We don't have to make up our minds now, but the attorney is going to know what we plan to do. I'm sooo confused!! I think I try to make everyone happy and not dewelling on what will make me happy.

Sunny, OC was born in January and H chose NC early on. He is firm in this and the day he declared this I felt as though at least 1/2 of the burden on my shoulders was lifted. At least this made me know I could reconcile because the alternative w/OC in our lives, I knew would be the straw that broke me at this point.

Not until this week did I decide that I would allow myself to feel comfortable with the following:

Our kids are teen and pre-teen age. They are insecure right now and they know how shaky things are. They were torn apart also during the A and our separation. They are now just beginning to feel comfortable again and losing the negative feelings towards H for obviously hurting me. Not to mention little me, who was not considered before. I think its time for me to stop feeling I am hurting the child by agreeing with NC and realize what so many people have helped me to realize-- that is, that my children and me are just another casualty of this terrible ordeal. Out of sin comes destruction and part of the ripple effect will be OC will be raised by her mother and our kids by me....

OW can see H as bad and horrid, but she did not feel that way when he was destroying my children's lives (for a spell) or mine for sure. There are stiff consequences for us in the pain to our marriage, H having to live with ME (lol) and child support for 18 years. She has no H to live with to face everyday, or grown children to make things right with. She can handle OC just fine.

It took me a very very long time to feel this way as I have been suffering much guilt about possibly H secretly wanting to see OC.. and it would be my fault if I couldnt deal with it, and all the things we go through as the BW.... but

I AM TAKING MY LIFE BACK!! I will NOT become involved in child support issues or help H with it.. I will NOT think of OC anymore! I cannot, it has been killing me for much too long. Contact for now, or a few years at least, will destroy what little we have re-built so far, which just isnt much. I felt sick to my stomach on frdiay night just seeing the little girl's name in prin when we got the child support papers. I cried all night because it was yet another thing to make this "real".... I don't want this reality living and breathing in my home-- and I don't want to have my kids feel ashamed to friends or have H be a bad roll model at this tender age for the boys or my daughter.

It is not revenge, it is not trying to say screw this child-- no one cared for mine-- its just what you can or cannot take. It truly is as someone said above-- yet another slice of the hurt pie.

Will we ever seek C? Who knows, and maybe Lord willing it will happen someday for the child's sake. Maybe I won't even be with H by then (not negative thinking just the facts).. and it will be H's battle to fight.

Sorry so long everyone, but I am just feeling a little freedom as of this weekend-- free from the OC battle in my head and heart! I HAVE MADE MY DECISION AFTER ALL THIS TIME! H made the decision-- but I decided to live with it and embrace it. The CS papers coming this weekend, well that just confirmed it.

Good luck and everyone here will continue to help you- me included ! I need this place so bad and I'm grateful for everyone here.

<small>[ March 08, 2004, 04:27 PM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I noticed several people saying talk to an attorney and get our children covered before the OW and OC gets CS. Can you do this w/o filing for a D?</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Sunny, from what I hear you can file for a legal separation, then file for child support. That way your C will be consisdered first ask around LynnG and other who may have taken this course of action.GOOD LUCK

We have C. We now have Primary Custody.
Lil Bit is nearly 32 months old. We have had C since she was 5 wks old, but only after the DNA test confirmed she was H's child.

I would not have agreed to C if OW had not had a history of domestic violence and abuse. Her son had been beaten when he was 4 yrs old, OW accused her exBF...
I could not, in good conscience, allow my H's child to be raised by that kind of woman alone.
We fought for custody from the beginning. OW finally gave in and gave H primary custody, on our 10th wedding anniversary. She has no idea what an Anniversary gift she gave us.

Stacia

<small>[ March 09, 2004, 09:20 AM: Message edited by: Stacia_Lee ]</small>

We have contact. I regret it and I believe H does also.

If I could do it over I would care and think about my own children's little hearts and minds BEFORE this OC, who obviously was doing fine without us. I put what I thought was best for OC ahead of everything and everyone and it was WRONG. We are have all suffered from it.

And since OW does not value or respect the role of a father in a child's life, then why did I?

I am firmly AGAINST C and recommend to anyone that will listen to not choose that path.

We haven't even talked about NC w/ OC. H thinks everything is going to be hunky, dorey. I don't think this CRAZY OW is going to just let us p/u this child and not throw a fit. But I also think this was a way for her to be apart of our lives FOREVER. I'm going to have to sit down w/H and really go over C v NC w/ him. From what I have seen NC is better for all involved. As far as I'm concerned she is raising one already that doesn't see his father and the father gave up rights to him, why should we be any different or care? I'm really thinking about filing the seperation papers and getting myself and my child protected. I just don't know how he will react when I hit him w/ these options. I don't wont to leave and am praying about this everyday but I don't know what he is going to do once this child gets here.
I don't think he wants to leave either. I mean I've already told him C w/ fine and I would stand behind him, is it right if I'm changing my mind?
I don't want to be stupid in the end. Trusted him to do the right thing and now we have OC on the way? He's not done anything for me not to trust him since 1-1-04 but I just don't want me and mine not to be covered. Plus I think in her state they can use my salary as CS also? From what I read if he dies then I still have to pay her CS. This we will find out by the end of next week when we go see the attorney in her state. I also got a call yesterday for a job in another state. I'm thinking about taking it. Me and my D can go over there and be away from this mess. (Sounds like I'm ready to run, doesn't it) Our cabin is 3 hours away and thats where the job will be. I will know in 2 wks. I'm really letting my mind take over on the worst case thinking.

You SHOULD be filing the separation papers. Let your H know why this is so important. IT's to protect your daughter. Why would he be mad about that?

Let him know exactly why you want to do that, it secures some financial protection for you and daughter, no reflection on him right? This way your daughter will be protected and her position in the family as the first born will be protected also

If your income would be included in any formula for CS, by all means FILE for legal separation!

What ever you must do to protect your marriage, your child and yourself, should come first.

Stacia

I just don't want him to think I'm giving up on us. Also if OW gets wind of seperation she may think shes getting him back. And start in harder to get him to leave me. We have talked about doing the papers before when we found out she might be able to use my income for her support. Is he still covered on my health insurance ? Plus we don't have to tell anyone anyway. Just let her find out at the CS hearing. More money for the attorney. It will be worth getting me and my D covered. I guess I'm over w. the shock of it and waking up to the reality of what damage she can do to us financially too. She said she only wanted H to pay for daycare and he can see it when ever. BUT she didn't want an attorney involved. NOT!! She said of we got an attorney then she would get all she could. So if I take most of it (my state is better on CS than hers) she wont get much. Got the name of someone in my state that also works in her state, left message. I'm tring to get something set up for next week. But if I need to do mine first then, we will have to get that done first. H just called and hes off for the day and I'm going to take off so maybe we can have time to talk about this. I just don't want him to think I've givin up.

You need to protect assets for the children they were intended for. Oc is not that child. Also, by legally separting, ow can't attach your earnings. It removes $$ from the table and oc will get less, as it should be.

You need to be honest and upfront with your husband as to why you are doing this. Explain the whole child support issue and how you are doing this to protect you and yours.

Does he want contact? Does he think the oc is more important then his current family? If so, then it is even more important that you get to the well first. That way, if you do end up getting divorced, at least you have the biggest chunk of the money, as it should be.

You really need to get the legal things taken care of first, then you really need to have an honest discussion about the reality of this situation. Contact or no contact. What you want vs what he wants. What you expect of him, what he expects of you, etc. Nobody should have to be forced into anything. It all has to be agreed upon by both, or it will not work.

Once again, the oc and ow are not a concern. The only and main concern is you and yours. They are not to enter the thought process, as they don't matter. If he is worried about oc, then he has to be upfront about it so you can make a decision about your life and be there to protect your child and her best wishes.

Stay strong.

H has limited contact with his son. Both him and OW are to busy playing games with each other to care what happens with the child. Most of the time she makes a time for H to see OC and then she backs out without notice.

As for my children with Xmm, he sees them weekly. He has no legal rights to the kids. I let him take them every thursday for a few hours and he stops by to see them a few times a week.