I have been having an affair since December 2003. I have two children and have been with my husband for 13 years. My lover married after our affair started. I am in deeply in love with this man. Our feelings lead us to put all common sense aside and we have never used birth control. I think I may be pregnant - will find out in the net week. We've discussed how we'd feel about this and both agree that an abortion would not be a nice option as it goes against what we believe. I feel disgusted in myself that I can't be practical and strong and use comon sense - my emotions about this man lead me to get carried away with passion. I know he'd be upset if I fell pregnant, though he's said he'd support me. My husband on the other hand would probably want to divorce me.

I really just want to hear what people think (please don't judge me as it will not be helpful) about what I should do if I am pregnant. I guess I hold some hope that support from my lover means that if I was pregnant he'd consider leaving his wife. I feel a much deeper connection to him and he satisfies all my emotional needs. If he asked me to leave my husband I am sure I would seriously consider it.

My only doubt is that I want what is best for my children. My husband is and has been abusive - so I have long since known he is not for me. I know what I am doing is wrong.

Well, in a way, I was in your shoes almost 4 years ago. This is my advice. You need to seperate yourself from the OMM(other married man) and sort out your feelings. You say that your H has been abusive, and that he is not for you. Have you addressed this with your H in counseling? Was the abuse emotional or physical? Is it something that can be worked out? You say that the OMM fulfills all your EN(emotional needs), but have you ever discussed the issue with your H about what EN are not being met?

As for the OMM, you mention that he married AFTER the A(affair). Now, this comment is not ment to judge, but, if this guy was so in love with you, why did he get married to someone else?

I would say that you need to address the reasons that you began the A in the first place. Decide if any of it is something that can be corrected in your M(marriage). You made vows with your H, and have broken those vows. Yes, I know that you said your H has been abusive, and that's breaking vows, but do two wrongs make a right? I'm not saying that if the abuse isn't something that will ever stop that you should stay M'd to your H, but if it is fixable, those vows should come first.

Also, if the OMM is "the one", he can wait for you to divorce, and get a divorce himself before continuing your relationship! There are more than just the two of you that are connected to this relationship that you need to think of. If this A is the "right" relationship, then you both need to settle things with the other's in your lives before you continue with the new relationship!

If you are, indeed, pregnant, that is just going to add a whole new stress to this whole second relationship. I can't say that the OMM will definately support you. Many times, when the woman of an A becomes pregnant, the A turns south because it now makes what's happening real, instead of a fantasy. Now, you have yet another person added to this mess who can end up throwing a wrench in the works.

If this A is the relationship that you feel is the right one, you need to consider your other children and you H and the OMM's W! Yes, I know you say that your H has been abusive, but he still has feelings. If he is physically abusive, you need to get to a safe point with him, or be in a safe place when you tell him. Especially if you are going to be asking for a divorce.

The last thing that I have to say about all this is that this is a Marriage Builders site. I can guarantee that if you DON'T want to save your M, you won't like the advice we will have to offer, as it will be towards fixing your M. I'm not saying that you can't post here, just that the majority of those who post on the MB(marriage builders) site are going to encourage you to try to save your M first and foremost.

I hope that I have helped even just a little.

Tigger

This man married while seeing you? Had he "loved" you he would have not married her. His marriage clearly states where his loyalties are. Not with you.

both agree that an abortion would not be a nice option as it [i\]goes against what we believe[/i].

Did destroying your families with infidelity and a child of infidelity line up with your shared beliefs?

Just checking.

Pep

My only doubt is that I want what is best for my children. My husband is and has been abusive - so I have long since known he is not for me. I know what I am doing is wrong.

Abusive, how?

Hitting? Cursing? Name calling? Throwing stuff?

You allowed your children to live with an abusive man? Why?

Pep

Hi cherry,

Welcome to our group, even though the circumstances that led you to us are sad at best. Keep in mind while reading what I have to say, I have been where you are, or at least in a similar situation, as none of our stories are identical.

First and foremost you need to END ALL CONTACT with the other man, as well as you need to reveal the affair to your husband.

Whether it turns out you are pregnant or not, makes no difference.

Whether your H meets your emotional needs or not, makes no difference.

Whether your H is abusive or not, makes no difference.

The point is, you and OM are married, and NOT to each other. I know you must know what you are doing is dead wrong. I don't think you would've found this site if you didn't at least know that, right?

The fact that you say your H is abusive raises a red flag of caution though. I would seek out someone close to you that you can trust, to be with you when you tell your H. I believe there is guidance on this site as to how to go about revealing the A to a spouse who may be abusive. Go to the home page and click on Q&A, then click on how to survive infidelity. There is also guidance as to how to end contact w/ OM in the form of a no contact letter. There is a good look at many of the issues surrounding infidelity.

At the very, very least, do NOT have any CONTACT w/ OM till you find out if you are pregnant or not. Finding out you are P, might just be the slap in the face you need to wake you up, and hopefully you will not want any more contact anyway.

You said you've discussed the possibility of pregnancy and its outcomes w/ OM. Do you mean you told him you think you're P, or do you mean, it has been a topic of conversation in general, more like a what if it ever happened? If he doesn't have a clue, I would advise keeping it that way, for now anyway. Wait until you know exactly what you're dealing with, and are able to come to some decisions if and when you find out you are indeed P.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">... I know he'd be upset if I fell pregnant, though he's said he'd support me. My husband on the other hand would probably want to divorce me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is a very common thought process. However, you really don't know how either man will react, you can only guess at this point. You OWE your husband the truth . You may be surprised at his reaction. It may be the dose of reality that he needs also, to see that he wants the marriage to work, and that he doesn't want to lose you. Mr. Knight in shining armour who meets all your emotional needs, and who you connect to so well, blah, blah, blah, will on the other hand, quite likely bale on you. That is very common whenever the darkness of an A is unveiled. Nothing like a pregnancy to let the light in, and the truth of what you're doing be revealed!!!!

As far as OM meeting all your emotional needs, that is common too. Easy to do, when you live in fantasy land, with none of the day to day stresses and mundane things that are involved in a true relationship. If he's so great at meeting a woman's emotional needs, why isn't he at home, meeting his newly married wife's? When you're involved in an A, it is all about the 2 of you, no one else. Actually, if the truth be told, it's all about YOU for you and HIM for him, because an A is the most selfish act there is, if you ask me.

Have you ever told your H what your emotional needs are, giving him any hope of meeting them? You can't expect someone to read your mind.

I realize your H meeting your emotional needs may be a moot point, if as you say, your H is abusive. I am wondering though, exactly what you mean by abusive, if you have stayed with him for 13 years, and produced 2 children with him??? However, abusive or not makes no difference, as I stated at the beginning, the A is wrong, no matter your circumstances! I'm also questioning this, because you mentioned your husband's abusiveness at the end of your post, while you mentioned the fact of OM meeting all your emotional needs earlier on. Is your H truly abusive, or does he just not meet your needs? I also couldn't help but notice you stated you may consider leaving your H if OM asked you too. Why would you leave for OM, when you haven't left in all these years due to H's abusiveness, and for the sake of your children???

Find out if you are pregnant.

Let us know the results, as we can help you further when you find out exactly what you're dealing with.

If you are P, don't make any rash decisions, as in blurting it out to OM, (just one of the reasons to not have any contact w/ him even if you're not ready to write the NO CONTACT letter yet).

As for possibly ending up with OM. First, I doubt it. However, even if that ends up being the case, that shouldn't be any of your concern at the moment. First things first, and that is your marriage, your husband and your children. There is never a reason to go outside of your marriage. You've done that, and it can't be changed. You can however, begin to make RIGHT choices.

You have a lot at stake. Not the least of which is your two children. You already have a family in which your (possible) baby can be incorporated. Ask yourself if you want to risk your childrens' life as they know it. That's exactly what you'd do by running off w/ OM to start a new family. Again, I don't see that happening, but why would you even entertain the idea? He already has a record as a cheating newlywed.

For the record, if you do find out you're pregnant, I for one am glad you won't consider abortion. You will not get the advice from me to abort. No way, no how. There are other options, but we'll go from there when you get the results.

For now, STAY AWAY from OM, do not even talk to him.

START thinking about how you will tell your H the TRUTH.

BEGIN today, this very moment to make good, and right choices. It is NOT too late.

Praying for you.

~ad

ps. You said the A started in Dec, 2003, then OM got married, and now you may be P, and it is only March. I understand things can happen quickly, but I was just wondering if 2003 was a typo, and it was really 2002?

<small>[ March 08, 2004, 01:09 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Hi Ad and others - thank you all for your advice, and words of encouragement. I'd also like to say that criticisms made were taken on board too. I was very very surprised by how supportive and kind you all are towards a complete stranger.

Our affair begain December 2002 (2003 was a typo). We had toyed with the idea 2 years prior to this and he decided not too.

My husband is emotionally abusive and has been in the past physically abusive - which is why I left him. We worked things out and got back together -but the relationship still does not fulfil me emotionally. I work with the OM so not talking or seeing him would be hard. Besides that I like this person on a very basic level and would like to be friends, though I feel given my feelings that just would not work - as I'd continue to fall into the same trap and want more. I can't discuss the circumstances of why he's having an affair - but I do understand it. I do not believe his intentions are ill or cruel. I feel he has a reason for doing what he is - though I would also say he should never have married her in the first place....but who am I to give advice or judge, right!!

I will certainly remember to come back here and talk to you all regularly and update you. Thank you again for your support and encouragement. It really was helpful. Can't promise in the short term that I will make any seine decisions though - especially where OM is concerned.

I do not believe in abortions. It is wrong to end an innocent childs life because of your own acttions - but it would also hurt my two children if another child came into their lives from an A (affair) - I do not believe my husband would stay with me if this happened - but I feel empotionally for me - it would be far worse to get over an abortion than a divorce. The impact of a divorce would be emotionally for me - but an abortion is ending someone else's life.

Rading this, my previous email and all your responses has been quite a moving experience. Seeing it written down makes it hit home more. It is almost as if I am reading someone else's mess - and I am sitting here shaking my head in disbelief that I have got myself to this point. This was not what I thought I'd be like when I got married.

Well I hope it gets better for me. My priority are my children - and that's it in a nut shell. I love being a mother!

Ok, I'm going to try this again, even though I don't think I'll get through. I don't know if you've read around these boards enough yet to come across the term, "fog", but you are clearly in it.

YOU ARE CHEATING ON YOUR HUSBAND.

YOU ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH ANOTHER WOMAN'S HUSBAND.

YOU MAY BE PREGNANT WITH THE MARRIED MAN'S CHILD.

When I said that you needed to end contact with OM, I didn't mean UNLESS you work with him. I understand changing jobs, or being placed in a different area, etc. is easier said than done, but ultimately it must be done.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Besides that I like this person on a very basic level and would like to be friends, though I feel given my feelings that just would not work - as I'd continue to fall into the same trap and want more. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thinking of the possibility of remaining friends is classic fog lingo. More than that though, you even admit, and make my case that you cannot continue contact in any form, as the result would be a continuation of the A.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I can't discuss the circumstances of why he's having an affair - but I do understand it. I do not believe his intentions are ill or cruel. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good Lord, woman, do you hear yourself? Whatever his intentions, and I can guarantee you they are selfish to the very core...HE IS BEING CRUEL. His wife may not know she is being hurt and betrayed yet, but she IS being hurt and betrayed. The TRUTH does NOT change depending on his intentions. This is so basic. I remember one time when my children were 3 & 4 yrs. old. The 4 yr. old threw a stool at the 3 yr. old when playing in the backyard one day. It hit the 3 yr. old just below the eye, thankfully only causing her to need a couple butterfly stitches, but it was quite dramatic at the time, lots of tears and blood. When questioning the 4 yr. old as to why she tossed the stool, she replied, "Well, I was mad at her, but I NEVER MEANT to hurt her, and I didn't know it would hit her in the face, I thought it would hit the tree, (yeah right), blah blah blah..." It was a good time to teach the lesson of when we make the choice to do things that WE KNOW are wrong, no matter our reasons or intentions, that most times, bad things happen, people get hurt, etc...We can say all day long it wasn't our "INTENTION" to hurt someone, but it doesn't change the FACT that someone did!

You and OM have to get out of the A no matter what kind of marriage the 2 of you have w/ your spouses. There is never a reason to cheat on your spouse. If you believe you are to divorce your H, then do so, but do not go outside of your M until such a time.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My husband is emotionally abusive and has been in the past physically abusive - which is why I left him. We worked things out and got back together -but the relationship still does not fulfil me emotionally. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In what way is he emotionally abusive? Can you give precise examples?

You say the physical abuse is in the past. If that is true, it sounds like he valued your relationship enough to change his ways? You say you went back to him.

As far as him not meeting your emotional needs, I ask again:

Have you expressed your needs to him?

Do you know his needs?

If you do, how have you been at fulfilling his ?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I do not believe in abortions. It is wrong to end an innocent childs life because of your own acttions - but it would also hurt my two children if another child came into their lives from an A (affair) - I do not believe my husband would stay with me if this happened - but I feel empotionally for me - it would be far worse to get over an abortion than a divorce. The impact of a divorce would be emotionally for me - but an abortion is ending someone else's life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are torn in so many different ways. Just one more reason why you must end all contact with OM. You need to get out of the toxic relationship before you can begin to think clearly, and make right choices. Being in an A tends to breed bad, wrong choices in ALL areas of our lives.

In my opinion you need to tell your H ASAP. You need the accountability, and the reality check to help you get out of the A. It doesn't seem as if you're able to do it on your own.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Well I hope it gets better for me. My priority are my children - and that's it in a nut shell. I love being a mother!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This to me, may be the saddest thing of all. I'm here to tell you, as a FWW, with my child of my A sitting here next to me in his litte bouncy seat...that it will NOT get better for you, until YOU do something proactive about it!

You must reveal the truth to your H.

You must end your A.

You must have NO CONTACT.

All of the above actions do not come without a severe price, nor without a great deal of pain for all involved, but in the end it will be the best gift you can give your H, yourself, and your children.

Speaking of your children, to say they are your priority, will NOT float here. PROVE they are your priority, and get out of your A, because you are cheating on your children too. Many of the BW on here refer to the children of the marriage as the BC, (betrayed children). I agree with this. However, if you are indeed pregnant, I believe that child is betrayed as well. I don't imagine it's exactly a picnic being a child of an affair and knowing it. The possibility of being pregnant w/ OM's baby, and yet you sound so cavalier, totally befuddles me.

I apologize if I was harsh, but I just don't want to see you continue down the wrong path. If for no other reason or other person, it is for YOUR own good and well being, not to mention your soul to begin to do what is right!!!!

Still praying~
~ad

<small>[ March 09, 2004, 12:15 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Sorry but your last line really got to me, your priority is your children? It sure doesn't sound like it. The other posters are right, if your priority really is your children, you should stop this affair right now. But, methinks your priority is YOU.

~~Autumn Day~~

How's that big old bump on your head?

The bump you got when you bashed your head against the brick wall?

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Pep~

You never fail to make me smile!

Maybe if I could get my point across in as few words as you're able too, the bump wouldn't be so big, and my head wouldn't hurt near as much!!

BTW, just said Hi to you over on GQ, on SG's thread.

Wow, hadn't peeked in, in ages...you guys have your work cut out for you, as always!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Take good care.

Exactamundo, Pep!

Still...cherry, if you're around, I do care about your situation. I can count you some slack, because I know about the fog. However, you're hurting yourself, and all those that are affected by your A when you choose not to even be honest with yourself.

I hope for everyone's sake you won't see a pink line, but maybe, just maybe that's what it will take to slap you silly. That's sad, very sad, I know first hand, and you will know what I'm talking about, if the test is positive. I'm afraid if it's negative you will continue to justify your adultery.

Think about his wife.

Think about your husband.

Think about your children.

Think about the damn dog, but stop only thinking of yourself!

Please, end it now.

<small>[ March 09, 2004, 09:35 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

RE: people like you are of no help. Your advice has been treated with the disregard it deserves. Perhaps you can sind a discussion forum where you can heap abuse on someone else. Please don't waste your time writing such unhepful comments.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> ~~Autumn Day~~

This particular poster, Cherryripe... made a classic error!

She justified her affair because she had a big bad mean "abusive" husband at home.

Yet, she stays with hubby and exposes the kids to the "abuse".

She can't have it both ways.

Abusive husband ---> move out and protect your children.... NOT ---> run away with an affair and leave kids with abusive daddy.

She fell into a trap of her own words she can't excuse the affair because of the abuse, but she'd like to.

Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

cherry ripe,
I don't understand why you are here @ MarriageBuilders. You don't want to work on your marriage, you want to continue your A, so I am confused as to what you expect from us here.

There is another sight for women in your position. It is called TOW (the other women) TOW You might find the support you are looking for there.

Did you take the test yet? I hope you are not pg.

Cherryripe,

I agree with the others. You honestly don't want to save your M, you even said you would leave your H if MOM(married other man)asked you to. You have not once said that you wanted to stay in your M. So, if you don't like the fact that others are stating the facts as they see them, from what you have posted here, maybe you really don't want the advice that has been offered.

You've been involved with this guy, physically, for over a year, and were toying with the thought for two years before that, and HE was the one who had said no. So, does that mean that you encouraged the A to begin?

You also glossed over the fact that what you are both doing is hurting SO many other people that you either don't realize, or don't care that you are hurting them! You state in your second post on this thread that you are concerned that your children would be hurt if a child from the A came into their lives. Well, if you aren't P, but continue down your path, that's EXACTLY what will happen! You get all angry when other's who are way past the point that you are at now offer some hard advice, but they are offering almost the exact same advice they themselves were given!!!! How do I know this, I WAS THE ONE TO OFFER IT TO AUTUMNDAY!!!!

If you truly want to save your M, then I say to stick around, no matter how tweeked your nose gets at this point! This site is wonderful for those trying to save their M's. But, and that a huge BUT, if you don't want to stayed M'd to your H, and would rather be with the MOM, I suggest that you do visit the site that KT talked about in her post. That may open your eyes to what you would possibly be facing if you choose to leave H, and hang all your hopes on the MOM. Think about it, if his love for you was so true, why did he get married, and why is he staying married all the while sneaking around with you?!?!

If you don't like what we have to say, in regards to your M and situation, you don't have to listen, but you did ask. I am almost 4 yrs past the end of my A(or D-day for discovery day) and my child from said A is going to be 3 in a few days. I chose to stay M'd to my H, and we are happily raising this little girl as our own! We didn't even want to involve the violent xOM(he was married too) in our lives, especially after he threatened my H's life, so, Yes, I have been in similar shoes, and can tell you that no matter what choice you make, it's not gonna be easy for ANYONE that is connected to you.

If you want to stay M'd, then stick around for support and help in getting over/past this MOM and A. If you want to continue, regardless of who you may/can/will hurt, then visit the afore mentioned site.

That's my final say for now.

Tigger

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cherryripe:

Please don't waste your time writing such unhepful comments.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh dang it, Are you sure? Cuz, I kinda like wasting my time speaking the truth. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Me thinks you want us to tickle your ears. If you consider the TRUTH to be "unhelpful comments", I wonder if you are seeking help or an "ooh you poor baby", back rub?

I thought of you yesterday, (well actually I thought of his wife). I was thinking, that poor woman has been deceived since before her marriage, and for her entire marriage.

That really sucks.

What do you think about what you've done to her?

How would you like to be her?

I also thought of you this morning before I came online. FNC had the story on about the hockey player that was sucker-punched from behind, then had his head slammed into the ice. He never saw it coming! (WOW, what a parallel as to what a cheating spouse does to their unknowing spouse, and as well as to the OP's spouse).

Here's pretty much what the guy said in his "apology", "I apologize, I want you to know I'm really sorry for what happened out there I never intended for you to get hurt." First, what a crock...if you saw it, and knew the story behind it, it was every bit intended. What really stood out to me though was how he referred to it as something that happened, he did NOT take responsibility or ownership of his actions by referring to it as what HE did.

Do you see why I thought of you?

Husband is abusive...

Husband doesn't meet my needs...

OM is cheating on his W for reasons that I understand...

I may be harsh, (kinda like a reformed smoker is the worst kind of non-smoker). You may not want to listen to a BW, but at least listen to us WW, we've been in your smelly old shoes...If it turns out you aren't P...I beg of you, DO NOT squander your chance to get out of this A, without a pregnancy.

What I wouldn't give for that chance.

My dear BH and I, love our baby more than words can say. However, our happy ending. (or process of <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) didn't come without a HUGE price and a great deal of pain.

Where did the process begin?

With me willing to hear the truth.

Accepting the truth of what I did.

Telling my husband the truth.


I never, ever want to be one to refer someone to TOW. I believe there is hope for everyone who has found their way here. However, if it's affirmation of your A you're seeking, perhaps you would be better suited over there, because you won't find it here.

~ad

ps. Tig, you weren't that harsh with me, were you? Then again, I had already ended my A, so I at least had my head 1/2 way out of my A$$ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . You did teach me about the beauty of truth. I will be forever grateful for you. You da' woman!! And hey, you get up awfully early in the morning!

<small>[ March 11, 2004, 09:30 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Hi AutumnDay:

I hope I won't see a pink line either. I am 2 days late though and though that's nothing unusual for my cycle - my concern stems from the fact that in the week leading up to my periods I get very emotional - clingy and grumpy, looking for a fight basically and have terrible stomach pains - I've not had that at all. I go to the bathroom more than usual throughout the day and am unusually hungry in the mornings.

I know for a fact that if I am pregnant this will stop me dead in my tracks. I am annoyed in myself that I can't just stop anyway. I know I can, and should. I've told him how I feel right throughout our A, and each time (you guys would say of course he says this - it's how he deludes me into thinking he cares) he insists he will understand if I want to end it, and does want us to be friends. In a perfect world that would be nice, but the passion we feel for one another isn't suddenly going to go away when we spend time alone as friends - I realise that.

I think I need a long holiday away with my little ones - to give myself thinking space.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by autumnday:
<strong> Exactamundo, Pep!

Still...cherry, if you're around, I do care about your situation. I can count you some slack, because I know about the fog. However, you're hurting yourself, and all those that are affected by your A when you choose not to even be honest with yourself.

I hope for everyone's sake you won't see a pink line, but maybe, just maybe that's what it will take to slap you silly. That's sad, very sad, I know first hand, and you will know what I'm talking about, if the test is positive. I'm afraid if it's negative you will continue to justify your adultery.

Think about his wife.

Think about your husband.

Think about your children.

Think about the damn dog, but stop only thinking of yourself!

Please, end it now. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong> My only doubt is that I want what is best for my children. My husband is and has been abusive - so I have long since known he is not for me. I know what I am doing is wrong.

Abusive, how?

Hitting? Cursing? Name calling? Throwing stuff?

HAS HIT ME IN THE PAST BUT NOT SINCE WE SEPARATED AND GOT BACK TOGETHER.

CURSING - ON A DAILY BASIS AND IN FRONT OF OUR CHILDREN.

NAME CALLING - DEGRADING ME - CRUEL EMOTIONALLY - NO TACT - RUDE TO OTHER PEOPLE INCLUDING FAMILY AND FRIENDS - JUST A GENERAL GOD DAMN [censored]. hard to feel any love or warmth for someone like him.

THROWING THINGS - INTIMIDATING ME BY STANDING RIGHT IN MY FACE SHOUTING AT ME, WITH HIS CHEST PUFFED OUT. FIGHTING WITH ME IN FRONT OF OUR CHILDREN AND USING OBSENCE LANGUAGE AND DEROGATORY WORKS TO SAY WHAT HE THINKS OF ME TO OUR CHILDREN.

DESPITE MY AFFAIR, I HAVE NEVER BEEN ANYTHING LESS THAN LOVING TOWARDS HIM. THOUGH BEING INVOLVED IN AN AFFAIR WITH OM, I FIND I FEEL LESS AND LESS FOR MY HUSBAND BECAUSE THE OM IS SO MUCH MORE LIKE ME AND I GENUINLY ENJOY HIS COMPANY. I GAIN ALOT OF HAPPINESS FROM JUST TALKING AND LAUGHING WITH HIM. I FEEL FOR ALL THE **** I TAKE AT HOME, THIS IS ONE PRIVATE AND ENJOYABLE PART OF LIFE JUST FOR ME. YEP I KNOW THAT'S SELFISH, AND IF I AM THAT UNHAPPY I SHOULD CONSIDER ENDING MY MARRIAGE.
You allowed your children to live with an abusive man? Why?

Pep </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

cr~

You said so much I want to respond to, but I don't have a lot of time. I talk too much anyway. You said some things that showed me a glimmer of hope, and yet some things that made me just sit and shake my head. I'm sitting here thinking you're pretty lucky not to have received more BS 2X4's after your last couple posts.

Ok, just a little homework for you this time.:

Will you get out of the A even if you aren't P?

If you are able to write "God damn [censored]" in reference to your husband on here, (I had a hard time typing the words myself), I'm guessing he's not the only one shouting obscenities in front of the children. Am I correct?

Last, take a good, long look at the woman you see in the mirror. I'm totally serious here.

Do you like her?

How much longer can you live with her?

Stay in touch, let us know what happens.

Let us help you.

Oh, and by the way, when I ask you questions, it isn't for sport, I really do want to hear your answers.

Bye for now.

~ad