I know I am just asking for it posting here. but I have to get this off my chest.
I was married to my wife for 10 years, we had some awsome times and some bad times too, that is neither here nor there. 3 years ago I found myslef talking to a woman on the internet. My wife and I were not talking much to each other and this bothered me, I would talk to this other woman to try to get some pointers on how to make things better between me and the wife. Well the next thing I know we met, in person. We had a breif affair and I ended it and felt so bad that I told my wife that I wanted to leave her, she knew nothing about this other woman until then. I was not leaving her for the other woman I just could not stand being around my wife knowing that I had done this to her. She asked me to stay and work things out. We did great for a couple of months, but then it was back to the same thing, as time passed i started talking to this other person once again, but never seen her until one day I got a call from her saying that my wife was calling her house. I flew off the deep end and told her i wanted out. I moved into the other bedroom. I know i should have talked this out but did not at the time. to make this short I LOVE MY WIFE and I want to keep her, she has since moved out. I want her back so bad. I wish I could go back in time to make this never happen but I cannot.

Oh yeah the pregnancy part, well when I told my wife i wanted out, the other lady and i met again and she became pregnant.

I have a few questions for you, since you posted here, I hope you don't mind, if nothing else maybe you can help me understand my H, & the fog that you & other WS live in.

Quote:
My wife and I were not talking much to each other and this bothered me, I would talk to this other woman to try to get some pointers on how to make things better between me and the wife. Well the next thing I know we met, in person.
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My H & OW told me the same thing, why would you think an outside woman, a stranger, could tell you anything to help your marriage to someone else that you have history with & know?


Quote:
We had a breif affair and I ended it and felt so bad that I told my wife that I wanted to leave her, she knew nothing about this other woman until then. I was not leaving her for the other woman I just could not stand being around my wife knowing that I had done this to her. She asked me to stay and work things out. We did great for a couple of months, but then it was back to the same thing, as time passed i started talking to this other person once again, but never seen her until ...
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Were you really trying to work things out for you or because your W asked you to?

Was your ego boosted by your W asking you not to leave, so you stayed w/ "conditions" in your head that she knew nothing about, & if those conditions were not met you felt it was your right to start up w/ OW again?


Quote:
one day I got a call from her saying that my wife was calling her house. I flew off the deep end and told her i wanted out. I moved into the other bedroom. I know i should have talked this out but did not at the time. to make this short I LOVE MY WIFE and I want to keep her, she has since moved out. I want her back so bad. I wish I could go back in time to make this never happen but I cannot.

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Why did you get so bent out of shape about your W calling OW?

Why did you feel the need to protect OW's feelings? (That is what you did you know)

DId you stop to think about your W's feelings knowing you broke your marriage vows?

And now on top of it, have a child on the way creating a tie, be it financially or physically w/ this OW for life?

Now that your W is gone you want her back really bad, what do you plan to do about OW & OC?

Do you just want your W back cuz she left YOU this time?

Do you have a child or children w/ your W?

Think of how you would feel if she did this to you.

Wanting her back is not enough, what are you willing to do to regain her trust, respect & love?

If your W is willing & with a lot of hard work on your part & hers too, you can rebuild & move on w/ or w/o C w/ OC, but you have a created a big mess & you may have to suffer the consequence for your actions - a divorce.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by reallymessedup:
<strong> Oh yeah the pregnancy part, well when I told my wife i wanted out, the other lady and i met again and she became pregnant. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Um, regarding the OW...a lady she's not!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by reallymessedup:
<strong> Oh yeah the pregnancy part, well when I told my wife i wanted out, the other lady and i met again and she became pregnant. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">***Do you love OW? How did you feel when she told you she was pregnant? Were you not using contraception? If so, why not? Despite your wanting to be with your W, are you happy and accepting that a baby is on the way, and what are your plans for the future as far as the child and OW go?

I wish there was something that I could say that would help you...

When is this child due anyway?

I started talking to the OW, cause I know that sometimes an outsiders input helps, just like here in the forums it gives you a different direction to go.

I got so bent out of shape for her calling the other woman cause of the fact that I had not seen her in a long time. I was 8 miles away at my mothers house helping my brother, and she did not even stop to think to call there. Was I wrong? Yes I was, very wrong from the beginning.

No I want my wife back cause I love her and miss her, This other woman does want me but I have told her I want my wife, but I would be there to help with the child. Yes I have 3 children with my wife.

I know I would be upset if she was to do this but I would want to work things out and go forward at creating a bond that would never be seperated again.
What would I do toregain her trust, respect & love, anything she would want me to do. I have offered for us to move away to start things where we can be alone.

I know I have created a big mess and I would undo it if I could, but I can not undo it and I do have to live with it.

As far as the OW no I do not love her, so to speak, If she needed something I would do what i could to help her out, just as i would for anyone

As for the baby, it is not the babies fault, Am I happy that the baby is coming? NO not exactly, I would rather it be with my wife, I do not want to have hard feelings about this baby, I am not one that would just walk away from it either though.
The baby is due OCT 6th

I LOVE MY GOD, I LOVE MY WIFE, I LOVE MY KIDS
I know that I have done things that are terrible and i have to live with what ever she determines to be the way it should be.

First, I am really glad to see you here. IT is usually the devistated BW who are here trying to put back together their shattered lives from H A and now OC.

Second, I think you are in the right place. Read everything you can around here on how to meet your wife's needs. Get the books the Harley's recommend and of course some marriage counseling. I have not used the Harleys personally but those who have swear by them.

Third, hire an attorney for your wife. Persoanlly I think this would go along way in showing your wife how much you really care for her and you BC (betrayed children).

We usually recommend this first for BW so that they can get CS and finanacial support set up for themselves first because once OC is born, whoever files first will get the first and biggest slice of the "support pie". We usually recommend filing for a legal separation and this is to protect the family finances if you are to stay together and to protect W and BC if you do not.

If you are serious about you marriage, don't give any thought or concern towards OW & OC. Your only thought and concern should be toward your W and BC. There should be absolutely NO CONTACT w/ OW. And definately DO NOT give OW any $$$$$!!! For anything-NOTHING! IF, after DNA tests are done and OC is proved to be yours then CS can begin. There have been numerous occasions where OW SWEARS that OC is MM, even one most recent by sworn affidavit, and after DNA, OC is NOT MM!

Change your phone #, moving away is a good idea, whatever you have to do. Especially since the OC is not due for some time, it will give you some time to work on your marriage.

You need to put in alot if not ALL the effort here. Not only has your W's marriage been shattered but all her hopes, dreams and goals for the future.

I would recommend her to this sight so we could offer her some support and encouragement. Does your wife know aobut the OC or just the A?

Now as you are working on regaining and then rebuilding your marraige you BOTH need to discuss C/NC w/ OC. This must be something you BOTH absolutely agree on, realistically. YOU must consider everything to come up with a decision you both can live with and what is best for your family. Read on here the idea of POJA (policy of joint agreement)

It is not impossible for you to regain your marriage but it will not be easy. If you really love your W and BC and really are willing to do anything then it is possible.

Many here are in many different stages of this MESS. Some are way past it and are nicely recovered, enjoying their spouses, marriages and lives. Some are just starting to realize the painful reality of this situation and some, like me, are right in the middle of the tornado!

Read around here on the site, look up some old posts. Some books.... His Needs, Her Needs is a good start and books on A. You probably won't find anything about how to handle OC from A situation, most A books don't mention that but you will find a lot of personal experiences and opinions about it around this forum.

You have a lot of work to do but if you are serious, it will be worth the effort.

Did you remember to tell your wife how sorry & stupid you were and how you regret the whole thing or did you just tell her the current situation as if you were in trouble and needed help?

What did she say?

PS: Next time you need marital advice ask a married MAN, not a woman, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> that is the biggest/oldest trap in the book! Go to counseling or read a marriage book, DUH!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<small>[ March 12, 2004, 09:51 AM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

I am glad to know that you are willing to do WHATEVER it takes to put your marriage & family back together.

That is the first step, are you still communicating with your wife? I hope so, you will need to discuss C or NC, you of course should pay CS no matter what, & I agree the OC is innocent & should be treated as such but not above your W & kids.

Hopefully you can use some of the techniques from MB & maybe your W will read the board as well, as you may think she is alone going through this.

People do make mistakes & it sounds like you are truly sorry for what you have done & want a second chance to make things right.

I wish you well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

KT,

As usual you give the best advice, (even in the midst of your storm), if I had seen your post, I would not have even replied! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Messedup- listen to KT!

Just a question, Did you think about your W and C before this happened? Did they ever enter your mind? I'm tring to understand why after being w/ someone for so long, can you be sooooo selfish? I don't know your situation or your W. But I asked my H the same thing. Did you ever give your W the chance to be the one you confided in? Just think of the great feeling if you had? And you wouldn't be in this mess. It takes two to mess up a M and takes two really dedecated people to fix it. I wish you luck and hope your W allows you to make it up to her, and you need to show her in every way you mean it !!! Just a reminder some days will be good for her and some days you might get blasted, but remember, she needs to hear you tell her you are sorry (and mean it) and how much she means to you. And never let your relationship get to this stage again.

Well Thanks all for the info on the situation, However, no matter what I do or say my wife feels that there is no way to fix this situation, she refuses to go to counsiiling, Marriage or Family, although my children and I are all going to it.
Our kids are staying with me and then they go to her, they do not stay at one place more than the other, My wife has decided that she wants to be single, She has been going out to bars for about 3 years, and now that we are no longer in the same house she expects my oldest of 12 to watch the others while she goes out. I am not here to bad mouth my wife, this is her decision and no matter what I have to live with it and move on for my kids, No matter how much I pray, or want this to happen it does not seem to be, I suppose this is Gods will and that is what he has in store for us now. Again Thanks to all who commented.

You should really read up on Plan A & follow it. I wish I had of known about it when my world blew apart in July 2002.

Your W needs time lots of time & you have to be patient, our God is usually not a God of a "quick fix". Praying is great but don't expect a 180 from your W overnite.

It is good that you & the children are going to counseling, even if your W won't. It will help you all for now at least.

Hopefully her going out & saying she wants to be single again is just a phase she is going through because she is in a world of hurt, anger, pain, & just about every other emotion there is, you will never understand right now. I know cuz I have been there too.

Don't give up on her, keep praying, keep seeing your counselor along w/ the kids, make sure they know they are loved. Keep in mind that this is not going to be a easy road to travel but will be worth it in the end, even if it doesn't end the way you want, be able to look back knowing you tried to do all that you were able to in order to restore your marriage & family. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />