For any of you who have followed my thread "is it too late?" my marriage has been in trouble for quite some time now.

This morning H informs me that he is going on a weekend trip to NYC supposedly w/ his mummy & nephew. Knew about this for who knows how long, only told me this morning cuz I said to him I'll see you tomorrow since he always comes home after midnite on Fridays, - bowling, yeah right!

I lost it, he claims his sister paid for the trip, but he is not going on a shopping trip w/ no money, all of our bills are behind, plus everytime I ask him to go somewhere with me, he has an excuse. For all I know OW is going too, mummy likes her better cuz she gave him OC & I didn't.

I told him not to come back when he gets in Sunday from his "trip". I then left him a note telling him the same, that it is over, please pack your things & leave.

I can't deal with the lies or the feeling of being used anymore. If he goes on this trip I am done, I am pretty much done anyway, tired to the point of exhuastion, H pretty much refuses to work on us or even spend time talking about our problems, not to mention the attachment to OC & OW.

The next step is to write a NC letter in plan B? Since we have no kids maybe that is not even necessary? Funny thing is I am not even mad anymore, just tired, looking for some peace of mind.

God help me I still love him but I can't endure this any longer. It is going nowhere fast, like my mind. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I can feel your pain and sense of hopelessness, and I am truly sorry that you are going through this.
No words of advice from me, but just sending a great big hug your way. I am so sorry.

Thanks, for the hug & kind words, I told only my best friend about what happened today, she knows the whole sorry story anyway.

It does help so much to share with others who can totally relate to the pain, confusion etc.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Thanks again.

When I first came to this site, I had no idea there were so many people in this situation. It is crazy, and so messed up what happens to WS when they are in this fog.

I am sorry that I don't know your whole story. It really hurts to love someone who treats you this way. I hope some others can give you some advice.

In a way I was lucky because I didn't find out about OC until she was 9 yrs old, and my H's A with my best friend was long over. So I am sure that my pain is different from yours... I can't imagine the pain of knowing that your H is actively involved in a A.

I am glad that you have someone to talk to, and that your best friend is trustworthy! Be very thankful for that. I will probably never have another close friend in my life again. It is so hard for me to trust anyone now.

Please take care.

Thanks again, this is extremely hard. H claims the PA is long over, but the fact that he spends time with OW to see OC means it is still ongoing, EA now just maybe but it is too much.

He didn't go to NYC, trip was cancelled, I still asked him to leave & he won't. I just know I need some peace. I am a christian & trying to live christ like but this situation has changed me so much & not for the better. I have had contact w/ OC since she was a month old on & off. I know that him getting legal visitation & limiting contact with OW is not an unresonable request. And he is dragging on this why?....

I just don't know what to do anymore, my plan was to pray over this & give it to GOD, cuz my ranting & raving is doing no good. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I am a Christian too, though I have not been going to church since I found out about the A and OC, I feel so much anger and hatred for the FOW that I felt like a hypocrite to be sitting in a church. I do a lot of praying about my situation... I pray that I can forgive both my husband and my former best friend. But it is so hard. I went to talk to my pastor about it last week.
I imagine it would be even harder if my H was still having contact with her. We are lucky that the girls (OC and my D are 3 months apart in age) see eachother at school, and that FOW's H is raising OC as his own.

Gosh I am so sorry that there is not much more I can say to you that will help you. I cannot imagine worrying about the contact H has with OW because of visiting OC. What a complicated mess.

Well once again I am trying the "Let go, Let GOD" approcah. When H came in Saturday nite, I had left a pillow on the couch & locked our bedroom door. I later let him in. He didn't pack anything, doesn't want to go, wants me to back off & let him handle this!

So yesterday I said nothing about the situation, & plan to not say anything & see what he does. It is so not right that I am still playing the waiting game. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> But the bottom line is that I am not ready to let go of my marriage.

I too have not been going to church on a regular basis starting with the end of last year. I wouldn't feel like a hypocrite, God knows your heart, & right now I think you are entitled to be angry, & true forgiveness takes time. My H does not forgive me for having my tubes tied, & lays pretty much all of this at my feet. Deep down he knows better, but the enemy has his mind right now. Seriously think about going back to church, letting God be your focus & see you through this. I am talking to me as well now, I have not been since the end of Jan., but I am going back, have to, for my own peace of mind.

I still believe God allows us go through these situations in our marriage & family to build our character & strengthen our faith in him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> And so clinging to that belief I wait for God to change my H, & me too!

Take care.

I have been thinking about you. Wondering how you are doing?
You have me thinking that maybe I SHOULD go back to church...
I have been praying for you.
Hope that things get better.

Thanks for your prayers, I need them, we all do here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I didn't go to church this past Sunday, too upset from the days events (Saturday), went out instead, felt no better. Planned on going to Bible study last nite, but it was cancelled due to snow. So Lord willing I will be in church Sunday morning, one of my Pastors told me when this all happened, not to stay away from church or quit singing in the choir, I have done both & I have to get back on track. For me! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have been really quiet since Sunday w/ H, going to try to keep that up, arguing is taken too much out of me, & at the risk of sounding like a doormat, I know it just makes OW more appealing in some ways. I am trying to do my version of Plan A, since I never knew about it or followed it from the beginning of this mess.

Yes you should definitely go back to church you have NOTHING to be ashamed of, or feel bad about. I too had feelings of pure hatred for OW, & still struggle w/ that because in her case it is bad enough that she has shared & will always share something w/ H that I never will but that isn't enough, she still wants him or at least wants to make sure I have no peace with him. That is just evil & it is so hard to love a person who wishes you so much harm & they don't even know you.

I couldn't imagine my friend doing this to me, that is a lot to get over, but GOD....

I am praying for you too! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Babygirl93

I feel for you.

You are right arguing won't get you anywhere. Read by recent to my posting under Albany RU OK?.
You will see that arguing and pressure will only destroy the good.

Now I just hope that my H will realize their still is good if I back off and maybe slowly he will let me show him that we don't have to fight about staying and working it out--we have not argued about anything else but the fighting drove him away and I would do anything to to tkae it back and fix it.

Albany

Thanks Albany,

I was just about to reply to your post, so I will! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

This is day 5 of me "being quiet". DOn't know how long it will last, the weekends are usually when I really lose it, cuz he spends no time w/ me, which he of course in turn says he doesn't cuz all I do is talk about OW & OC & our marriage, well duh I guess maybe we should talk about painting the house or buying a pet!

He is so defensive all the time on any of those subjects, "fog"? I wonder. All I know is I am tired, but until I get sick & tired of being sick & tired here I am. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Babygirl93 you wrote

Thanks Albany,

I was just about to reply to your post, so I will!

This is day 5 of me "being quiet". DOn't know how long it will last, the weekends are usually when I really lose it, cuz he spends no time w/ me, which he of course in turn says he doesn't cuz all I do is talk about OW & OC & our marriage, well duh I guess maybe we should talk about painting the house or buying a pet!

He is so defensive all the time on any of those subjects, "fog"? I wonder. All I know is I am tired, but until I get sick & tired of being sick & tired here I am.


okay that is so me--that is how I pushed him away he says he can't take it anymore because all I do is talk about our marriage--we really haven't been talking about OW & unborn OC.

Always I want an answer and he gets defensive and doesn't want to talk and so I push harder and harder and we end up fighting--and now he says he is done--during the week has been the worst for me because--he works a rotating four days on and four off and we have seen eachother more on weekends.

It was really bad that we I left him with such a bad taste in his mouth the night before his C appt.


Albany
BW (28) me
WH (28)
Married 8 yrs. / Together 10 yrs.
Our Son - 26 mo.

Albany,

I just orderded SAA, another tool I wish I had earlier in this saga, but I am trying whatever works now.

I saw a show on Oprah the other day about cheating husbands & how the wives want to talk about the A & the H's don't & get very defensive. That is part of the "fog" to I guess, they (WS)figure we know about the A so knowing should be enough, & let's just get on w/ the M & not discuss the "problems" of what they did!

Unfortunately OC's was not part of the discussion, so we are kinda on our own here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Don't beat yourself up about losing your cool & pushing, just try to do better next time when you talk to H, that is all you can do & take care of you, try to find something else to focus on while you are alone this weekend & even when your child is back.

One day at a time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

aghhhh! dang it, just lost my post! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

any way......a poster gave me some good advice that I think will help.

Set aside a specific time, like an appointment w/ H to "discuss" "issues" on your mind. Set a time limit. This helps everyone to be prepared to know what to expect so H is not afraid of being blindsided @ any moment whenever we have a ??? in our mind or something is bothering us.

Let H know about this plan and then write things down so you won't forget by the time the appointment comes. Assure your H that the discussion ends when the time limit is over.

This helps everyone feel @ ease and H doesn't have to have his guard up all the time waiting for you to "strike". And you are free to enjoy your time w/ H knowing that your issues will be heard later, so nothing is just "floating" in the air between you.

Personally, I also think these things just take time. It has taken my H YEARS to be able to discuss things openly, much less just discuss period.

I can now ask him ???? matter of factly and not fall apart @ the answers and he actually answers the ??? and no longer becomes distant, defensive or angry. AND I ask him if it's ok to ask him something now or should I wait until later. He would always say that I asked things at the wrong time (actually ANY time was a bad time for him! LOL)

Hope this helps a little.

KT,

You are such a great blessing to me!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

That is the best piece of advice I have hear in, I don't know how long.

I think he may go for that, being "quiet" is not easy for me at all but I have been doing good so far. I figure 30 minutes will be about all he can handle for right now, but that is better than nothing. What gives them the right to be defensive about anything after the mess they have created! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> But they are & we either choose to deal with it or not I guess. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

[QUOTE]
Personally, I also think these things just take time. It has taken my H YEARS to be able to discuss things openly, much less just discuss period. [QUOTE]

Years..... Oh lord help me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> LOL

I know I have been expecting overnight results since the beginning, finally getting a clue that this one is gonna take a while.

Again, thank you so much, I know me, quiet would not have lasted too much longer, at least this way, hopefully, prayerfully, we can try to start making some real progress.

Talked to H this morning, asked him to go out on Sunday for dinner & a movie, he said yes. We have not had a day out all year, just been arguing every weekend.

I am going to suggest the "appt." time to talk every week about our issues tonite. I have not been intimate w/ him for over a month, between that & me being quiet, he is climbing the walls. He may agree to anything at this point <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Anyhoo, looking forward to spending some fun time w/ him with no talk of OC or OW, visitation or any of that fun stuff.

Hopefully our first "appt." will be next weekend, after he's had time to think of questions for me & how much better this will be than arguing all the time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm keeping the faith!

We have not had a day out all year, just been arguing every weekend.
So why do you argue with him?
It takes two to argue and if you don’t participate, it’ simply him yelling at you and that will get old (for him) real quick.

<small>[ March 19, 2004, 03:11 PM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

We argue because I start it w/ questions & demands.

As I said in earlier posts if I had of known of this site earlier, I could have saved myself a lot of grief, but I didn't, so now I plan to try & follow a real "Plan A" & use other mb techniques that I just found out about!

We argue because I start it w/ questions & demands.
My point is, if YOU do not argue, there can be no argument.
He now expects it to happen, so he “gets ready” for it.
Surprise him and DO NOT argue, regardless of who starts it.

Very very true

It was large factor in my H's deciding it can't work--he said all we do is argue and he was always ready for one--now he says he is happier being away--I'm sure he is right now because we do not argue and he has some peace--I wish i had better understood all of plan A 2 months ago--I sent my over the edge when he was perched on the top rail of the fence undecided.

Hopefully I can repair with time.

You can do it Babygirl93--I know you can I have to do it tonight.

My thoughts are truly with you and I hope it will all work--don't give up--I haven't yet.

Almost have but you guys on the board keep me fighting for what I love and believe in.

Albany