I've been a lurker here for quite some time, but am posting for the first time. I had a child by another man of which I had a one-night-stand with. My husband knows about this and the child, but we have decided that we will raise him together and he will be considered his own. We have chosen not to tell our families, because the devastation may be too much, and we have chosen to tell our child when he is mature enough. The problem is, I worry that our families may suspect that our child is not biologically my husbands, and it weighs heavily on my mind. Luckily, he looks quite a bit like my husband, but he's only 5 months old and I know that that may change. But, I worry about little traits that the family may notice, like eye color, etc. If you have not told your family, what is your experience? It seems that the concensus on this board is to not tell your family, but I don't want to be "found out" as it may be even more devastating than just telling them the truth outright. What are your experiences?

I know I haven't told my family about the OC yet. Don't think I will until the test are done. And I know for sure. Family should support you. If not their loss is the way I see it. Your God supports you and we here support you. Good luck. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

We told both of our families about my H's OC. It was an incredibly hard thing to do and I knew there would be judgments about all of us (OW was my best friend). I really did not want anyone to know, but I felt the the OC had a right to know, which far out-weighed my own embarrassment at the situation. So far I have received no support at all from my family. They all cannot forgive my husband and say I should leave him.

I know that everyone's situation is different, but I had to do what was right for me. I went to see two different counselors and they both told me that the earlier that a child learns the truth about their parentage the better, it is much harder emotionally to learn as a young adult that you were lied to for years.

I just wish my family would come around, I miss them all very much and I am so lonely now.

Just remember that it is very hard to live a lie. I am glad that you told your H all about it, and that he is there to support you.

My H family all know about both of my OC. H is rasing both as his own. His family treats both the kids like all the others.

As for H oc, they know but don't want anything to do with him. This confuses me.

The biggest obstacle we have, if we did decide to tell our families, is my husband's family. OC is the first grandchild, and the family was so excited to hear that we were pregnant, that we felt we just couldn't tell them anything. I am currently in therapy because of this, and my therapist suggested that we not tell our families, and when OC is mature enough, whenever that is, we will tell him. It sounds like a great idea, but because she has never been through a situation like this and I haven't either, I want to make sure it's the RIGHT thing to do. I'm at such a loss because things like this are not often discussed, and I've never had to deal with anything like this until now. My therapist has said that there's really no right answer, and that ultimately, we have to do what we feel comfortable with, but I want to make sure I do what is right for OC. It's gotten to the point that I think about this EVERY day, and sometimes dwell on it, and I just want to make peace with it somehow so that I can move on. It helps so much to hear from others in similar situations. Thanks so much for responding.

I am assuming that by you and your husband rasing the child, means no child support or involvement from the bio dad? So no questionable absences or legal drama going to happen???

If so, no reason to tell the family. It's none of their business. I also think you are grasping at straws thinking about eyes, hair color. Unless you are causasion woman who is pregnant by a man of a different race.

I have one daughter that is a blue eyed blond, like my sister. I have another that has dark hair and dark blue eyes. They have the same father. They barely look like siblings. So don't worry about the gene pool.

Your therapist is right. It's up to you. But don't beat yourself up over it. Sounds like you and your husband are working this out. Focus on your marriage and stay healthy. Enjoy the pregnancy and you can make that decision later.

Nothing has to be done by noon tomorrow, so don't borrow trouble and stress.

I agree with Lynn...it's absolutely no one's business but your own. I vote NOT to tell. By the time all this MIGHT come out, it will probably be years down the road and by that time, no one will care much.

I have dark brown hair and hazel brown eyes. My son is blond and blue eyed. I look French, he looks Scandanavian...but he's my baby! People can't believe I'm his bio mom but I am. He doesn't look like his dad either although there are a few subtle mannerisms that "seal the deal".

I know a lot of people think honesty is the best policy, but in something this sensitive it isn't always best...especially with something so personal and private...something that isn't anyone else's business.

One other thing to consider. I noticed that some friends and family that know about my husband's infidelity don't treat him (or me) with the same respect they used to. Something seems to be missing even though they are still polite. Some closeness was lost. I may have forgiven him completely but that's because I live with him on a daily basis and the recipient of his remorse and recommitment and I know what is genuine and what is not. Outsiders don't know this like I do and are mistrustful. You'd think he cheated on them by the vibes we get. I guess in a way he did.

You'll know when it's the right time to tell your child...but, that's a long time from now. If you and your husband are totaly committed to each other and raise this child with extraordiinary love, when the revelation comes, this child will just be thrilled he had his Dad there loving him all these years. A lot of this attitude comes from you and your hsuband....if you act like everything is good and happy, your child will follow suit. If you act as though your choices were the best for everyone involved, your child wil probably agree. If you keep all this light and matter-of-fact, your child won't feel like this is such a big deal.

Keep your family together and celebrate this child.

I totally agree--especially with the respect thing from others--friends etc.--some don't deal with it well and they don't quite ever treat them the same.

I have already seen that with my H's infidelity.

Albany

Thank you so much for your responses. They made me feel 100 times better. I'm a worry wart by nature, and I even though my husband has already said that he's not disappointed in me and that he doesn't blame me (we were both having trouble in our relationship at the time), it's very hard for me not to blame myself. And I do beat myself up a lot over it because I want everything to be okay. It's very painful right now, and even though I know that it's just a very big open wound that will begin to heal itself over time, I want it to heal FAST. My husband has been such a trooper - he's already over it and doesn't worry about it at all. But me, I worry about every detail. Anyway, thanks for confirming what I know in my heart is the right thing to do. It helps to hear it from others that have gone through it.

UC,

Well, I have been in a very similar possition, as you can see by my "signature line" at the bottom of this post. We are now almost 4 years past D-day, and our beautiful Abbi just turned 3!

As other's have said, don't worry about such things as eye color or hair color. My brother's kids are all girls, and they range from a true bright red head, very blonde and a dirty blonde for hair color. In the looks department, they look more like cousins than sisters.

We have told only a select few, not including my brother, for certain reasons. I feel that it is a case by case choice. You know best, if you step back and look at the whole picture, what to do, who to tell, and when.

Since your little guy is only 5 months old, you have a lot of growing to do, and it is possible for you to survive!

If you have any specific questions, I'm very open to sharing my experiences with you.

Oh, and last but not least, welcome to the board!

Tigger