Well first of all I just want to say there are alot of strong people here and I hope that life only gets better for all of you's. Well the reason I am even speaking is because I need some insight and advice from people from all sides. I guess my sitution is strange? Where do I start? In my family I'm the OC, growing up was hard for me not having a father, it really did a number on me let alone my mother never telling me the whole truth, finding out on my own. Then me having to deal with my H and his A and then the outcome of OC. It was hard and at the same time I felt the most utter guilt knowing I was the same "thing" this child was. I never realize how much pain I must have givin everyone especially his wife. But my problem now is I want to have a relationship with my other siblings I want my kids to know their other aunts and uncles and to know their other cousins. I do talk to them once in a blue moon but now that I went thru this with my H I feel guilty talking to them. Knowing that I must have hurt them too for what my mother and father did to their mother, really bugs me out? I don't know what to do? I want to keep communicating with them and I don't know if this is the right place to ask for advice? And I'm sorry if I offend anyone I just need some insight and some type of advice? Thank you ahead time for any responds.

First of all you didn't hurt anyone. You did not ask to be here God chose to put you here. You are not responsible for two other peoples actions and should not feel that you caused the pain. I've thought about my daughter alot having a sibling and not knowing them. She too young to ask, so we as adults have to what we feel is right. Siblings are hard even when their not OC. If I wanted contact I would have it. Just feel out the waters and hopfully God will open their hearts. I know if I had a sibling I would want to know them. Parents are not perfect and you are not to blame. Good luck.

Exactly like sunny said------YOU DID NOT DO THIS!

Let the guilt lie where it belongs with your parents. If your siblings had a problem w/ youI think they would not be talking to you.

Personally, I think it is much easier for them now to deal w/ the situation, as adults then while they were still kids.

Talk to thema nd tell them how you feel and that you are trying to be sensitive to their pain, if you want, you can even say you are sorry for the pain your PARENTS caused them.

BUT DON"T YOU DARE SAY you are sorry for any pain you think you caused them! You did not do this so leave that baggage for the guilt trip of those who deserve to take it!

Just curious...how did you find out you were an OC? Did your father leave his family for your mother or did you just grow up w/ C? I hope this is not too sensitive to ask.

YOU didn't cause anything. Your mother and father did. Don't you take any of this on your shoulders.

The sad thing about this is that your mother and father created this mess for everyone. YOU feel bad. His children with his wife will have felt horrible for the pain their mother went through and embarrassed by it all. They didn't cause any of this either. Nor did his wife.

As for the children of his marriage, if they know of you and you have spoken to them, what is the relationship? Are they calling you? Are they seeking you out? They may not want to open up a pandoras box out of loyalty to their mother.
The situation may be to them too.

Sad the lingering damage two people have caused isn't it?

But whatever you do or think, none of this is remotely your fault. Don't think that way.

Thank you very much for the responds! But to answer that question, uuummm my father to this very day is still married to his wife. I grew up always knowing that my real father lived in NJ, my mom moved away and eventually got married so I had a step father. But I always wanted to know who he was. Around the time I was a teenager was when it got real bad, everyone knows how that is rebeling all. So my mom finally told him I wanted to meet him. That was a big mistake for me. He made me feel as if I was nothing!! So I was mad at him and it made things even worse for me because I could not understand what I did wrong? "Still" my mom didn't explain she made it seem like he was a jerk. So I grew up hating this man. Finally around the age of 20 I decided to visit him again felt very weird very uncomfortable. No matter what I did we just couldn't really bond. The weird thing is I actually bonded with his wife, whenever he was not around we always talked. It was like we already knew each other. When I got ready to go back home we got into a big arguement (my father)and he told me he didn't owe me anything, that all he needed to know is that he was ok with his wife. Which made me decide I was not going to talk to him no more. When I asked my mom did you know he was married? she just looked at me she did not have to answer. Of course I felt like **** . I decided to then keep a relationship with his wife, behind his back. He was in the army so there was times he would go away and I would then go and visit her. Go figure? How weird is that, I could not stand him, but loved his wife like my own mom. They moved away to the other side of the counrty then. I guess my father then felt some type of guilt he would tried to call me and I would just tell him I really didn't feel like talking to him. I then found out about my H and the A and the OC. It was so confusing and painful knowing what this child could itself was going to go thru. I didn't know what to do? I told my H look what you've done! At that time I was like oh my god the pain I must have caused for his wife! How could I keep talking to her. So I stop talking to her out of guilt. I told my father never to talk to me again. And I stop talking to everyone else also. I just ignored them and didn't keep in contact with them. But now I miss my sisters, brothers, and his wife. I want a relationship with them but not with him. So guess I'm stuck? Don't know what else to say thank you so muuuuch though for the support you dont know how much it means to me knowing what sitution you yourself are in . Again thank you!!!

I am just trying to understand this.

You were the product of your Mother's affair with a MM?

And you found out that your H had an A and OC?

How old is H's OC?
How are you and H getting along?

I agree with the others, that you did not do anything wrong. I think it is wonderful that you have such a close relationship with your real Father's wife. I can imagine all of the turmoil you must be going through, but please remember it is not your fault.
My H's OC is 9 years old, she is a sweet and loving child and I love her very much. As much as I cannot stand FOW (my x best friend) I know that this child is innocent, she did not ask for any of this. Sounds like your Father's wife feels the same way about you. I think you should try to pursue the relationships that you want from your siblings.
Are you in counseling at all?

Take Care

doinbetter I would write your dads wife a letter explaining now that you understand the hurt she must have gone through...that you didn't/couldn't understand earlier. See how she feels about having contact with you...and tell her what you told us about how you feel about her. I bet she would appreciate it. I BET she feels about the same towards you and talked to your dad...that could be why he tried reaching out to you. Maybe before he couldn't reach out to you because he was afraid a relationship with you would ultimately hurt his wife. But I would talk about it with them. I would even try to give your dad another chance...who knows what was bothering him. It probably had nothing to do with you. Maybe it brought up old hurt he hadn't dealt with. But since you know that there was hurt involved I am sure you will tread softly and handle it accordingly. But if his wife had you visit when your dad was away I am sure she bonded with you also. Life can pass so quickly...I would try to resolve this before one of them passes maybe unexpectedly and you didn't tell them you understand the hurt...but you value knowing them. Good luck...and your H OC is lucky that you understand her pain.

It is quite obvious that the wife was fine with you and probably enjoyed your visits. She is probably long over it. You are taking blame where you should not be. This whole situation is awkward isn't it?

You say he made you feel like nothing. That could be cause it was your mother who contacted him. Did you not say that your mother always said he was a jerk? It could be that she thought he was a jerk, he thought she was jerk and was going to start playing games. Maybe he didn't believe it was you who initiated the contact? In anycase, it was awkward. But if you pull it apart and try to be objective, maybe it wasn't as bad.

I have asked my husband what would he do if oc called him. He said he would tell him the truth. I'm sure that our oc thinks of my H as a jerk. My husband would be very suspect if oc were to call and want a realtionship. He would think it was all orchestrated by ow. So both sides would have a defense up. Throw in his family, who he would not want to upset and wala, you have a major awkward moment. One feels like "nothing" the other is wishing it would all just go away. Can it get more uncomfortable?

So now you have a relationship with his wife and his children. What does he think of this? I wouldn't be so sure that it is behind his back. Why would BW need to hide it? No reason to. He probably knows. He just wishes the past would stay in the past. He doesn't hate you, you need to understand that. I know it is hard to realize, but he just wishes none of it ever happened. That does not mean YOU are bad, it means the affair was bad? So he probably feels wierd about it.

So, call her. Tell her how you feel. Tell him how you feel.

In the future, we have said if oc came around, we would tell him the truth. That he had a choice to make and he chose his family. Hurtfull? Probably, but it is honest. This situation creates such a mess and such abnormal expectations from everybody. It is not easy to defuse and unrealistic to expect it to be a Norman Rockwell painting.

In this case, it could be that your father is deeply ashamed of what he did and all the hurt and pain that it caused. While she sounds like it is in the past, he hasn't forgiven himself. It's not that he dislikes YOU, it's that he dislikes what happened. Messy, huh?

But STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP. None of this is your fault. Your mother and father did this. NOT YOU. They hurt a whole bunch of people. Seems like his wife and his children were able to move on with their lives and are fine. Which is why they are able to accept you today. Maybe he isn't ready yet.

Affairs really leave a lingering mess to deal with. Fraught with emotion and anger, not really the opportune enviornment to be one big happy family.

Good luck to you.

Dear doinbetter,

I am in a similar situation. I was conceived of my mother's affair with a single man. I only learned of it at age 36. It was very, very hard to learn that my dad, the man who raised me and whom I adored was not my bio father. My dad and my mother reconciled during her pregnancy and my mother never tried to deceive him that I was his bio. child. Despite that we have a miraculous relationship.

I have never had contact with my biofather. The really creepy thing is that he and his brother were dating my mother and her sister in high school. Get it? two brothers dating two sisters. My aunt married one of the brothers. My mom married my Dad (the man who raised me) but when they hit a rocky patch, she asked for a separation and being seeing my bio father again. She soon realized that he was well down the path to alcoholism, my Dad still loved her, and she knew he would be a better father to me.

So, my concern hasn't been quite like yours. Mine has been that I might cause pain to my Dad. How did he learn to love me and to look at me and not see OM? My mother says I look like OM. I have seen him a couple of times since his brother is married to my mother's sister, but I want no futher contact. His face is ruined by alcoholism and if there is any resemblance, I can't see it. I have never seen a picture of him as a young man, and I must admit I don't have much interest.

My story, in further detail, is in my sig line.

Blessings,
MJ