My husband and children have been gone for nearly three weeks now. It is eating me alive. I hurt so bad. One thing I have learned- I now completely understand how it can be to love a child and despise the parent. I love that I get to spend more time with my baby, but I miss my family. And anytime my husband graces me with a phone call it seems that he is highly manipulative. Sometimes he is very sweet and then the next time we talk, he denies that he even spoke to me or was nice. He complains to others about me not calling him to check on kids. I asked to take them to church and he told me no. I have asked him to bring them home and he says no. I initially asked him to let them remain home and not make them move to the apt. He refused. Now I make a special point to see them during the day at the daycare and to that he says I am warping their minds and causing them to have bad behavior. Says I am going in and telling them things. Funny thing is I have only said that I love them and want them home. Now I found out that my 4yo has been telling him that he wants to be home and that he can't have his fmaily if we aren't living together. I said maybe you need to listen to your son. And uh hello, you think maybe it is the unstable environment that is causing the behavior problems. Or maybe it is hearing their daddy's language that is making them think it is okay to use those words. It kills me that both of my kids are now saying that they want to come home and want to be with me, but husband thinks I have planted that in their brains. He is so stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And all I can say is that it is up to their daddy.

We got along fine before he began his selfish game. But he is telling people that we don't. Well, we don't now. I suppose I have let my emotions reign. When I see him or talk to him, my anger overflows so easily. I think it is the fact that I have taken this crap for years and now I just blow up. It is my intention to be calm, but then he does or says something like I mentioned above and auuuugghhhh.

This morning he made me furious because he said something about taking the baby. He doesn't even want to start that. I'd play dirty for sure. I'd bring up every nasty thing that he does not want anyone to know and I'd go after custody of the 2oc and I'd let the military know all about his doings. And I'd let any judge know that he has denied paternity to all his friends. Oh, he does not want to mess with me on this. When he said it, we were at daycare. I said No Way. And I (childishly, I know) stomped out and let the door slam. I did call them back to apologize for that. He called later and he wanted to know why I act so angry. I said well because I am hurt, you have taken away everything I love. He said well you shouldn't act hurt, you shouldn't let people see you cry, you shouldn't let people see you mad, you shouldn't act this way. I told him it was perfectly normal to have emotions unless you are a blowup doll. He makes me so mad!!!!

He goes to school next week and will be deployed again soon. He should be thanking me for putting up with his bull and begging me to watch the kids. Can you tell how angry I still am? I have got to learn to control that. Man, I am mad. I know this isn't helping to rebuild my marriage though and I just don't know how to control it. I have controlled it for years, not saying a word hardly back to him about his many adventures or treatment of me, just took it and treated him like the king. Now I guess I've just had enough. The only thing is now I have to play the stupid game so that I protect my baby. I know I can't keep him from seeing him. That is why we got custody of the other two. What a mess.

<small>[ March 18, 2004, 01:29 PM: Message edited by: aimee2 ]</small>

I am so sorry. I jsut don't know what to say. I can only imagine the anguish your heart feels for your 2 kidlets.

Take care of yourself and remember, he can NEVER "take" your baby away. Visitation @ best but not take away, don't even let that worry you.

I'm saying a prayer for you and all the kidlets that "daddy" will wake up and GROW up and be a MAN!!

aimee, ditto KT. I'm so sorry for this sad situation.

Has he always been like this, or did he used to be better and it gets progressively worse? If it is a progressive thing, I'd honestly worry about mental illness and document all that I could in case it does go to court one day.

Likewise, I so hope he doesn't become one of those "if I can't have them, no one can" types, because he seems so unstable.

Please take good care of yourself and baby.
J

I just spoke to an attorney who tells me that I have no grounds to help my kids or do what I feel is right. He thinks that I will have no rights to the 2oc even though I am the only stable person in their lives and the only mother they know and have spent more time with them than anyone. He also thinks there is no way at all that I can keep nutty selfish husband without integrity from being around the new baby. I was hoping that I could say no to a divorce until he was desperate and then just say oh well ok if you will sign away rights to the baby. I think my husband would go for that. Atty says not possible, that I would have to be married to someone else and then terminate hubby and then ask them to adopt. How stupid. I told him I know of a few men who would adopt him, but that I sure don't plan to marry them. He says it's a no go. I just don't get it. I went into this marriage openly and honestly and totally dedicated and now because hubby is a cheat and a liar me and the kids have to suffer. It looks like my best bet is to make this marriage work. First I've got to get rid of this anger...

You accept 2oc's and then this is the thanks you get. You have gone already above and beyond superwife and supermother for the children that many would not want or love even if they tried... OC was born 2 months ago and I just can't imagine dealing with the pain of two.. now this....

That just makes me SO mad for you!! Honey, just know that you will be blessed for being the W and mother to the kids that you have. When it all comes down, you will be rewarded and don't forget that!!!!

Your H is very lucky and no matter how mean or bitter you may have gotten towards him at times-- you are human and this is how human beings react when they have been hurt and wronged so deeply. What do they want us to do-- be Mary Poppins forever, under such terrible conditions?

If H does not come to his senses then you know that you did more than most. 2 oc's-- You are wonderful and I feel deeply that you will be rewarded somehow!!!

I know a tiny bit of how you feel- I have 2 stepchildren who I love dearly. They want me to be mommy and they adore me... their mother just plain STINKS and does not take care of them or spend any time with them-- and when it all comes down to it.... I cant do much about it but sit and feel hurt and angry that they deserve so much better. But H basically backs down because she will never change. MAKE ME BACK DOWN, EVER for my kids-- NO WAY, I will fight as long as it takes- but I have no *real* rights <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

<small>[ March 18, 2004, 03:16 PM: Message edited by: giovanna123 ]</small>

After speaking with the attorney, I am thinking that my best option is to play the game for awhile. To make hubby think he gets what he wants. This is so unlike me, but I think best for all.

He will be deployed again in a few months and will be gone for a year. Of course he will leave the kids with me. During the year I will have little contact with him and yet me and the kids will benefit from the time together and the military pay. I will be able to stabilize our home again and have more of a base to go for custody when he returns and tries to rip our home apart again. At that point, the 2oc will be 4 and 5 and the baby will be 1. My goal is to protect the kids from the emotional turmoil. And believe me our house has been full of it when he is around. We were fine when he was deployed last year. But the attorney may be right that alhtough I am the parent they have had most in their life and the best influence, I may have little chance to help them. If that's the case, then at least I will give them an even better base for life, then threaten to go for custody of them unless he will sign away his rights to our little one and have no contact. I will miss the 2oc because I love them, but hopefully I will have given them a good foundation. I don't believe he will give up rights or contact with them so I will have to do what I can for my own. I know that's mean to do to hubby but if I can't fully protect all at least it is leverage to fully protect the one I can. And he will meet some pretty little thing to be the new "babysitter/mommy" for the kids and tell them what a horrible person mommy was. I hope they will remember the truth, but I can't worry about it.

The best would be that he will get some sense knocked into him while he's in the desert, begin to appreciate the love and dedication that is here, and commit to our family. But I won't count on that.

aimee,
You might try the journaling that is posted on another thread, so that if children come to you later with questions, they will see another side.

God be with you,
J

aimee~

So good to see you pulling yourself up by the boot straps. Even better that you have a plan in place.

I wish you nothing but the best!

How's that little fella of yours?

~ad

Aimee, Does your H want a military career?
That seems like a way to go to get him to toe the line.
Find another lawyer, and see if one could help you formailze your relationship to the children (if that is what you want). Then spent the year building your relationship them, emotionally and legally. Before he goes overseas, he must give someone custody so they can be taken care of. If he doens't give it to you, who will he give it to?
What are his plans for the children when he goes overseas?

Texasgirl

Ditto txgirl! Good idea!

Aimee, I don't know if you know, but as a military wife you are entitled to see JAG officer for legal assistance. Even if your husband has talked to JAG lawyer, they must provide you with legal counsel in another office.
It is confidential, so if you tell the JAG officer your H has had an affair it is just between you and that lawyer.
The JAG lawyer can't represent you in court, but he can help you find a civilian lawyer to help. Usually JAG offices have a list of lawyers that work with military. They also have list of lawyers who are Reserve officers, sometimes they will charge next to nothing or nothing.
I would see if you can get your H and the OW to let you adopt the children, while you and H are still together. If the OW will give them up and he lets you adopt, you are where you want to be with them. It evens gives you grounds for custody. A lot of "ifs" here, but something to fight for. You might also go to child services later before he comes back. Maybe they can help you.
Well I have run enough now. These were just my thoughts, I hope there is something you can use.
But I would go see a JAG lawyer and see if one can help you in any way.

Texasgirl