My original post is on Gen QuestionsII, titled "any hope?"...but a quick recap...

My new H had an affair with his xW and a child was conceived. They already have two children that he visits with a few times a month. My H has chosen NC with the new child...I admit I am ok with that...his xW/OW was upset that this affair and child did not break up our marriage and was upset that he didnt want contact. However, she has only asked him once or twice if he wants a visit with OC...has not asked again...his sons do not ask why OC (still an infant) doesnt visit along with them...I must admit, I prefer NC...

A few people have told my H that he is cruel to turn his back on an innocent child...he replies that they are not in his shoes and that he is doing what he thinks is best--not only for our marriage, but also because he feels nothing (and is afraid he will feel resentment) toward OC...
Other people (his parents, his siblings, other friends...) have told him that he needs to do what is in his heart...if he does not desire contact, that he shoudlnt have it....

Are we really awful people for this?

I would like to say that growing up, and later as a teacher...I saw instances of children (either children born out of wedlock or chidren of previous marriages, and even a couple of OC--now that I think of it) who were never treated fairly in the marital home...although I wouldnt mistreat a child...I fear I would definitely resent the situation and my feelings would be evident...My H is okay with NC...and if anything fears that someday I may think badly of him for not having a relationship with OC...

Can anyone give me their insight??? Please be gentle when/if flaming...

Oh what a tangled web we weave......

I am against C w/ OC from A, but you are right, this a bit different since your other 2 step-children are from the same mother and "family".

That would have to be more wierd once OC gets older, that 2 siblings are going to daddy's but not him/her? I would think they would naturally just all go together.

So in this case, I would think, even logistically, it would just make more sense to include all of them, at least when OC gets older. I would still get a DNA test done though if you haven't already.

I can completely understand and appreciate your position though. Do you 2 have any children together? Not that it minimizes or increases your pain, just wondering.

Maybe after a few years when all the dust settles and the marriage relationship is better reestablished, OC will be a toddler or pre-schooler then you can introduce him into your family. Just a thought. Many recommend this anyway for marriages w/ OC, get the marraige relationship solid and then reevaluate the situation.

What if, when all the dust settles he still wants NC?

Part of me thinks that he is only chosing NC because he doesnt want to hurt me more...so once we found out DNA results (obv. they came back pos) I spent a lot of time talking to him about it....asking in many different ways if he was sure about where he stood...it got to the point that he actually got somewhat angry at me and said "How many times and in how many ways do you want me to tell you I dont want to see this child???" He said..."Do you want me to lie to you and say that I do? Do you want me to give you the answer you want to hear or the one I know that I feel?"

So I let it go, because of course, I didnt want to tell him that actually I dont want contact either...

At times--when I get angry--I think...well this is what both he and his xW chose for this child...he KNEW he was married to me and that we planned to have children...xW knew this also, she had asked me once we got married if we were going to have kids together...when D-Day hit, my H told her that even if DNA came back as his, that he would only do what was legally required (child support)...and I also figure, hey I know several people who were born out of wedlock and had no contact with their fathers...I KNOW that this child can grow up untraumatized as long as her mother doesnt make her feel bad...some of the people I know who grew up without C with their dad never felt "dirty" or "unloved" becasue their moms never made them feel like that...and other times I think, ok , I guess thats just me trying to rationalize and justify our choice in NC...

We are currently about to have our own child...and have my kids from my previous marriage with us. And I KNOW my H LOVES children-which is why I know he REALLLY must not want contact, because ordinarily babies make him melt....

<small>[ March 18, 2004, 01:22 PM: Message edited by: JessieBear ]</small>

I would think that in this unique situation that contact would be best.

Normally I lean with NC.

Just my thought--god knows we all have our own stressful issues here.

Albany

Jessie your situation sounds much like mine with regard to your H. My H is very firm about no contact and he says if he must be judged by God or others, he will be, not me. I guess we just feel we should push them into this or put our feelings aside for the child- but this is just too much to ask of us, for sure right now. Our children matter and so does our marriage.. and OC matters but not at the cost of you and your sanity until and unless you are ready!

If you read any of my previous posts they may help you regarding feeling guilty and how God may feel or others feel towards us, etc. If you read my posts you will see I am going through the same feelings as you regarding NC and many other people are too. The gals here have really helped me to be more fair to myself and not to feel any of this is my fault, as this all needs time and healing before anyone can really KNOW exactly what they want or what they can handle.

Of course, your situation leaves you and the kids involved even more confused. It may become very sticky with the other children and why OC is not there. That is so tough. Evey situation just seems tougher and tougher- it makes me so sad. You do have time on your side because the child is so young yet. How old are the other 2 children? Do they all know you H is the father?

Take the time you need first. It will all work ou in time if H is commited to you and the M.... you and H may naturally want to include OC if only at first just because his/your children want it. It may help your mind to know you are doing it for your kids and for OC. When I was feeling down and still do-- I read as many old posts on this subject as I can.

(((hugs honey))) Our lives are really confusing right now and hard.... but we can only protect our family and our children the best way we know how, as OC's mother will do.. keep you and yours close and the rest will come as it may.

giovanna123--

good to hear from you.

you are in my thoughts and I wish the best and I think that god will not judge you in a bad way and knows you must do what is best fro your family.

Albany

I came out just to tell you that I'm ALL for NC and in MOST cases I think its best.

I know this is a marriage building site and I TOTALLY don't want to hurt you, I KNOW the pain your going through but from an outsiders view, this is my opinion

First I think NC is not going to work in your case for the long term. the OC is still a baby so I think you have some time to work on your M with NC for awhile but I CAN NOT imagine that NC is going to work because of the siblings. I can see NO way that your H is going to be able to pick up his other kids and ignore one. That is going to cause problems between ALL those kids. I'm sorry and I know that your in GREAT pain but your H either needs to do NC with ALL the kids, which isn't possible in your case or he NEEDS to have contact with this OC. You love your H and are step-mom to his kids, hopefully you love them too. Try to focus on this baby as your kids brother instead of the OC.

Second, I would be VERY caution with your M. There are kids and a history with the xW/OW, she is ALWAYS going to be in your life if your in this M. Your H is NOT over her and the pull towards will probably happen again in the future if your not VERY careful.

This is a TOUGH spot to be in and IMHO if you don't have kids with your H now, I would SERIOUSLY consider if you want to continue in this M.

I wish you the VERY best! Hope it works out for you!

WOw, does your story sound SO FAMILIAR. My H had an affair with xGF (he already had 2 children with her ...they were never married though). After we had been married 5 years, with a small child of our own, OC was born. I found out a year later. OW was very upset that I did not kick him out and send him her way. I did, however, give him the option if that's what he wanted. He would visit his 2 C with OW every other weekend and during that time the affair happened. They lived about 60 miles away so he was always gone all day.

Last spring all of OW's children were removed from the home because over the past few years there have been 21 counts of abuse and neglect against her. OC was adopted last September and moved 1000's of miles away. The older two are also up for adoption. Both H and OW have had their parental right taken away (OW because of the abuse...H to allow the children to be adopted).

The sitution you have is very similar to mine. I told H before the department of soical services were involved that I would never stop him from seeing his children but I wanted NC and never would. I am also a teacher and would never do anything to harm a child but I could not handle having OC in my home.

Good luck with your choice. It is truly up to H to decide what is best for him and those involved.

take care,
WHY

WHY...I was beginning to think I am the only one with this kind of mess...

the times I have questioned my H about his choice in NC...I have made sure that I tell him that he needs to make the decision not me...I have reminded him of his right to know her...but he always says "no"...I dont think I could handle contact...I dont know about the future...but the fact that I feel ill just thinking about her now, gives me a clue that I wouldnt be ok with it....

and presently...I am pregnant with our first child together...

We are actually considering moving away from here...he knows that he would have less contact with his boys...but presently only sees them EOW anyway...I must admit...this would be easier if we moved....we are actually contemplating a move to the opposite coast...due to his job, thats the only option if he were to transfer...

Wow, you have a very unique sitution, and yet it is very (((sad))). I'm sorry you have to go thru this. But I just cant see how this would work with two having C and the OC having N/C especially when the OC gets older? I know there is much pain involved. While this OC is still young it will give you time to heal. I grew up being the OC and I wish that I had NC. Just knowing that I was the OC gave me such a dramatic life. This C needs to know when he/she is old enough the truth and nothing but the truth. But splitting them up would just cause conflict. How old are the other two C ? And why were they involved to begin with? or why did they know all of this information? The OC could have very well had a different father, then what would she had said to them then?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by doinbetter:
<strong> How old are the other two C ? And why were they involved to begin with? or why did they know all of this information? The OC could have very well had a different father, then what would she had said to them then? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I dont understand what you are asking me here..the other boys are 11 and 7....they were told that my H is their sisters father....

I just dont know what yo mean by the why did they know all of this information....

Jessie

I am so sorry for your pain and confusion and know this is a very difficult thing to endure.

How long was your H divorced from his XW before you met him and married him? Were you involved with him while he was still married?

You say that your marriage is new and I am wondering "how new"?

If your H and his XW were married for over a decade and had two children together, their continuing relationship must have seemed to them to be normal or natural (habit) to them to continue. It was wrong of them to do this and wrong for your husband to betray you and his new marriage to you, however old habits die hard and sometimes people have trouble disconnecting from each other for a myriad of reasons i.e. history, family involvement, kids and family dynamics. The XW might still have proprietary feelings toward her XH and maybe vice versa. Maybe the ties there are stronger than anyone thought they were.

I'm not saying this to hurt you at all but this is a possibility you must consider to protect yourself from further hurt. But in situations where a H fathers a child outside his current marriage and the marriage to the BS is relatively new with little history built up and there are no children of the current marriage, sometimes Dr. Harley suggests the newly BS leave the marriage and allow the WS to go to the OW and their kid(s) and make a family together. This frees up the BS to cut her losses early on and keep her from spinning her wheels through years of heartache and angst having to deal with the C or NC issues, financial hardship due to CS, trust and betrayal issues etc.

Even though this is Marriage Builders, there are situations that occasionally suggest that the BS leave if they have not had a lot of time invested into the M and give the WS and his OW an opportunity to make a home for their child(ren). It is certainly the BS's "call" to decide whether ot not he/she wants to relinguish the M as only the BS knows whether or not the WS and the M is worthy of his/her time and effort to invest into recovery (it is hard work and takes years) and put up with the future problems that come from a nasty situation like this.

I wish you only the best and hope that you will make the best decision for yourself, whatever it might be. Knowing the DNA results will help you make this determination.

Catnip =^^=

I am sorry if I confused you but, the children shouldn't have to know all this? Especially the 7 year old one? I am pretty sure they are really confused. What is done is done! But look at all the pain this has caused. Again I'm sorry for your (((pain))). My kids don't know anything about my H and his A and the OC. Now if he had decided W/C it was something that we discussed in therapy. We do have a plan, mentoring,counseling for my kids,what we will say, but we in the long run decided for the kids sake and the family N/C. I feel for this C and I have seen her and it breaks my heart because I do want to be in her life but when I think of our "children" and how it will effect them I pull back . Its (((sad))) I know but I have to protect my children first. You need time to think all this thru and to think cleary and to make sense of all this. I wish you the best.