I am in total shock in the last 36 hours that I found out that my H of 6 years, had an affair and that the OC was just born? I am at such a loss and extreme pain. Permanent separation would not be logistically challenging but emotionally devastating. We do not have any children but had planned on having them soon. He says that I am the one he loves and wants to be with. But how can I ever trust him again and the child complicates matters as I would not respect him as a man if he did not fulfill his obligations both financially and emotionally. The OC makes NC impossible, so what do you do?? Any words of wisdom from those that have been through this much appreciated.

I am so sorry. I really am. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> We've ALL been there.

Now, business...Has a DNA test been done and confirmed? How long has A been over or is it? Did it end before or after baby born?

C is a choice not a given. BOTH you and H need to decide TOGETHER if it is something you both want and can deal with.

Remember that this child was concieved by your H but not chosen or planned by him so that is why he can say he wants NC so "easily".

I think he is willing to do whatever YOU want right now. You can not force him and he cannot force you.

I think the real decision will be based on character of OW. Is she a drama queen? Will she be willing to deal with OC having YOU as a step-mom? Will she be willing to share her child's life, 50-50 for the rest of your lives w/ your H? If not then you will have some major obstacles ahead.

Read around this sight, it offers great advice like POJA which you 2 will need for this C/NC decision and the rest of your marriage.

Get some counseling, I hear the Harleys are well worth their $$$.

You will find many personal opinions about C and other good advice. And many successful marriages that have survived these exact situations. You are in the right place. You will find newbies, in the middlers and more experienced veterans.


BREATHE, take it easy, try to get plenty of rest and excercise. get out and take a walk. Remember to EAT too, many BS have been on the "D-day diet" and it only makes things worse.

We are all here for you.

Thank you for your prompt reply. In reading through other posting, you appear to have some very sound advise.

DNA has been verified.

My H and I have not sat down to discuss any details (I need some space to digest this and stop crying), will do that his weekend. So many questions are still very much unanswered.

Do you have any recommendations on topics and/or specific questions to address? Any advise from previous lessions learned would be most appreciated.

I think I am a very naive person.

Again, thanks for the response.

I AM SO SORRY TO HEAR OF YOUR PAIN. I AM GOING THROUGH WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW. I HOPE THAT WE CAN BE OF HELP TO EACH OTHER. IT HAS BEEN A YEAR SINCE I HAD FOUND OUT THE BAY IS EIGHT MONTHS OLD NOW. THE FIRST THING TO TAKE CARE OF IS YOU. YOU ARE GOING TO EXPERIENCE ALOT OF EMOTIONS AND THESE EMOTIONS WILL TAKE YOU UP AND DOWN SEVERELY...AND THATS O.K. TRY TO THINK RATIONALLY....EVEN THOUGH AT TIMES THAT MAY SEEM IMPOSSIBLE. AS FAR AS THE CHILD IS CONCERNED...DNA..DNA...DNA...HAVE I MADE MYSELF PERFECTLY CLEAR??? NEXT HURDLE...ONCE PATERNITY HAS BEEN ESTABLISHED BOTH YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND NEED TO SIT DOWN AND RATIONALLY DISCUSS VISITATION. FOR ME I HAD A HARD TIME WITH MY HUSBAND GOING TO THE OTHER WOMAN'S HOUSE...I NEEDED TO SEIZE CONTROL OF THE SITUATION AND HAVE THE BABY IN MY HOME...THIS WAS EXTREMELY HARD BUT I WORKED THROUGH MY ISSUES AND EVENTUALLY HAVE GROWN ATTACHED TO THE CHILD. I GUESS THE BOTTOM LINE IS AS LONG AS YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND DECIDE TO WORK THINGS OUT ITS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT THIS LITTLE PERSON AND OTHER WOMAN WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF YOUR LIFE. THE OTHER WOMAN TO A CERTAIN EXTENT. I FELT HURT, DIS-RESPECTED,LIKE A FOOL... THERE WERE CIRCUMSTANCES IN MY RELATIONSHIP WHERE I HAD ALMOST SHUT DOWN COMPLETELY I STARTED TO IGNORE MY HUSBANDS SEXUAL NEEDS AND DIDN'T ALLOW MYSELF TO SHOW HIM AFFECTION....MY HUSBAND HAS SHARED WITH ME THAT HE WAS ANGRY WITH ME (UNDERSTANDABLE)AND THAT HE WAS ONLY INTERESTED AT THE TIME IN SATISFYING HIS NEEDS AND FINDING AND HAVING IMMEDIATE GRATIFICATION. THE ROAD WILL NOT BE AN EASY ONE. I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK. DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP AS TO WHY THIS HAPPENED...LIKE IN MY SITUATION THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION FOR INFIDELITY..NONE. WHEN MY HUSBAND WAS HAVING ISSUES WITH ME ABOUT MY BEHAVIOR HE NEVER SET DOWN AND SPOKE WITH ME ABOUT THE SITUATION NOR DID I. COMMUNICATION IS VERY IMPORTANT AND PRAYER IS TOO. I STRONGLUY BELIEVE THAT MY MARRIAGE IS REPAIRABLE AS WELL AS YOURS. WE HAVE BOTHE EXPERIENCED THAT ULTIMATE BETRAYAL. NOW AS FAR AS THE OTHER WOMEN IS CONCERNED YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND MUST VOW TO PRESENT TO HER A UNITED FRONT. HANG IN THERE AND GOOD LUCK!!! I'LL CHECK IN WITH YOU ON A REGULAR BASIS AS SOON AS I GET THE HANG OF NAVIGATING WITHIN THIS FORUM.

What is POJA and where do I find it on the site?

Thanks again

I'm sorry, POJA is Policy of Joint Agreement. If you go to the home page, I believe you can find links to it.

Yes, talking this out and setting boundaries now, from the beginning if C is decided, is good so that everything and everyone is clear how the "arrangement" will work.

Personally I am against C even though we are currently in the middle of it, which is WHY I am against it.

I really do not want to overwhelm you w/ advice and things regarding C w/ this child since it is all so new to you.

I think you should think about your marriage first and focus on you and your H.

You will be going through so many emotions from day to day and it will be hard to make any decisions right now. Which this site recommends against---no rash decisions, I think that would also include C or NC.

From one minute to the next you will be grieving, shocked, angry, and hurt. It is very a similar process that a person goes through w/ the death of a loved one.

That is why it is also important to take care of your self physically. Many BS (betrayed spouses) experience insomnia, loss of appetite, shaking or jittery feelings, anxiety, nausia, and mood swings whenever they think about the A and all that has transpired.

You are barely into this, only hours into it and you may just feel numb and shocked right now, not knowing what to think or how to react, who to believe and what to do.

For you, right now, I would suggest that you focus on your marriage, your H and yourself, don't think or worry about OC right now. You have plenty of time for that later. (@ least 18-21 years)

This is not the end of the world, although I know it feels like it. IT is only 1 part of the very big picture.

As far as talking it all out w/ H....I am going to strongly suggest that you get couseling. AND I will strongly suggest that you resist the urge to know every last detail of the A. You know it happened, if you need to ask general question like how they met or how long the relationship was ect.....go ahead but the nitty-gritty, nasty details...AVOID.

You do not need permament pictures running through your head of thier time together. This will only bring you torture and unecessary pain.

Take care of yourself.

Thank you for your words of wisdom. We are in counseling. However, I am still in shock but having moments (when the crying stops) of extreme anger, disillusionment and not sure how I can see a future without the trust that has been lost. Do you know what the recidivism rate for A is?

Again, thank you for you support. Your responses and knowing I am not alone and have support group was the first light I have seen and I turned a corner towards recovery whatever that might be.

I am totally feeling your pain, & I am in the same boat as far as having no children w/ my H.
It is a blessing that you are in counseling & that you found this site right away.

You have gotten some good advice here already, I can't add much other than to say that i feel your pain more since I have no children w/ my H, so that puts us in a little different category. Take things slow, as far as trying to solve the C or N/C issue right now. You & H need to decide what you are going to do about your marriage.

A lot of people will tell you that since you have no children you should forget it & go on with your life, of course I totally disagree with that. It won't be easy, I am going on 2 years of dealing w/ this & there have been many times I was ready to give up, saw lawyers, the whole nine, but I am still here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Do what you need to do legally, such as CS for OC but first & foremost keep communication open w/ your H, & if you believe in the power of prayer - PRAY!!!!.

You can get thru this!

I am praying for you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

First I am sorry to hear that you had reason to find us.

You have gotten some great advice. So, slow down, take a cup of tea, (caffiene free, since you don't need anymore adrenalin), and read around this site. You are going to find just about any scenario you can imagine, with a ton of different outcomes.

One thing to know, noting has to be decided immediately. You are childless at this point, so you don't need to worry about their well being as you process this.

You need to read around and imagine every possibility and scenario and how you will feel. You sound like you want contact. Let me explain that I am anti-contact for lots of reasons. However the most important has always been I don't believe in upsetting the children of the marriage. Since you and he do not have children, that argement is obviously a moot point.

So, I would advise you to read around and keep a journal of your thoughs and questions. You are probably in shock right now and you seem to have made some quick decisions. Calm down. Learn. Educate yourself.

First. Until a DNA test is done, do not just assume this child is his. You would be surprised at how many times it turns out to not be. And, if your husband gives her money, pre DNA, it will be considered a gift. He owes her nothing until it is proven. Even then, itis 50% of the cost. Not 51%. There are lots of tricks the courts do to breeze through these cases.

If you and your husband are going to work out the marriage, no contact with ow is paramount. This puts her firmly in her place as interloper, and allows you and him the time to talk this out and see where you are at, without her yapping in the background.

You say you can't respect a man who will turn his back on his child. Ok. So you stay, how are you going to feel with oc at your house every-other weekend? How are you going to explain oc to your friends and neighbors? You need to be completely honest with yourself. Are you ok with all of that? What about holidays. Are you going to feel fine with having oc at your family gatherings? You really need to think and work this out completely.

What about your husband? How is he with all of this? Does he want contact? Does he expect you to have contact, no dicussion at all? Just as you can't say "either oc or me" nor can he say "contact or me" You both have to do some deep and honest soul searching before you can make a decision like this. What may seem politically correct today, could be the nail in the coffin later. Rememeber the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Slow down.

Your marriage can survive and thrive. But you are headed down a road that has more twists and turns then you can imagine.

What about ow. If you choose contact, are ready to have her jerk your chain for the next 18-21 years? Is she using oc to try and get your husband to leave you?

So you need to keep a journal and get into some counseling. But just slow down and take your time. All the decisions need to be addressed and thought out. Then of course the DNA.

No matter what, any/all contact with ow is totally unnecessary. There is no reason to speak at all. The DNA will give you the paternity answer,and you can go from there.

Good luck to you.