Hi everyone,
I have been separated for 8 years because wife did not like my country and because we have been arguing quite often about stupid things. Wife and son have since been living in another country.We used to talk on the phone everyday and they used to visit 3-4 times a year ,3-4 weeks on each occasion on my expences. We loved each other and were trying to make things work.A year ago and only a month after the last visit, wife got herself a lover who lived with her for 2 months and she fell pregnant. She only told me that when she was 3,5 months pregnant and after OM had of course left her.Also said that she thought she loved OM.Now she says she is sorry ,that she loves me and that she wants to be with me.She refused to abort and now she has a 2 month baby.I feel betrayed by her actions and also by the fact that my son , aged 12 did not say a thing about OM when he visited 11,9 and 6 months ago.My son did not even protest against having OM in the house.My instinctive reaction is that I dont want to see ,talk or hear about them again. Any advice?

Wow, I realize you are upset with your wife but PLEASE keep this anger directed at the person who had the affair...that is your WIFE. Your son is a CHILD and children are not, should not and cannot be held responsible for stopping or even telling about an affair.

You have no idea if your wife told your son 'don't tell dad' or anything like that.

It's human to look for someone to blame in these circumstances - I know I did...however the blame for this affair rests solely on the shoulders of your wife and her other man.

My thoughts are with you because I cannot imagine trying to rebuild a marriage from an affair and oc in completely different locations - part of Harley's plan includes 15 hours a week of time together doing 'marriage' things and you mentioned you only see each other 3-4 times a year. Wow, that must be tough on the both of you.

I encourage you to read this entire site - more so the principles and foundations that Harley has set here.

Good luck to you.
A

miko...

there is a continent and an ocean between my husband and i... we embarked on a plan to relocate a few years back... the last two years my husband has spent 90% of his time there... i've had hopes of being able to move at the end of this school year...

five months ago i discovered via a letter from the dept of child support services that my husband had possibly fathered a now 2 year old child... husband says this is the first he's heard of the child... needless to say this was not welcome news...

initially the distance between us was good thing... communication between us is difficult, so clarity is of utmost importance... five months in, being in two locations has become an impediment...

what state was the marriage in prior to this affair?... why have you two allowed this separation to continue?... did you have any plans of reuniting or were you planning to live in two countries indefinitely?...

for my husband and i, as well as for you and your wife, i think it's going to be most difficult to put the marriage back together without being under one roof...

forgive your son, for he is just a child... you have not shared a household with him for 8 of his 12 years... does he even remember living with you?... i heard my 8 year old tell one of his friends last night that it was like his dad and i were divorced and i was the one with custody of him... this from a child whose lived with this arrangement for just two years...

my only advice... if the marriage is what you and your wife truly want, do everything within your power to unite your household once more...

oaktown...

<small>[ March 21, 2004, 12:33 PM: Message edited by: oaktown ]</small>

I want to thank both angelies and oaktown for finding the time to think about my problems and post a reply. My son phoned me this afternoon to say that he plans to visit soon. He sounded so excited and I could not say no although this is not what I want at this moment.The wife also called to say she loves me.I answered that of course she loves me and of course she respects me and that was why she honoured our marriage in the only way she knew . Of course I regreted for talking like that but I am still very upset . I need to find a way to calm down . Will again have to do a lot of thinking . Thanks again

I really don't want to offend you but let's take a look @ this from your son's POV.

Dad is in an entire different country, son only gets to "visit" when it is convenient to mom and dad. Dad is not in the home but hey, here comes a male figure who is. Someone to "play daddy" with. That must have felt good to him and made him feel somewhat protected, normal and not so alone. This OM was giving him DAILY attention not just every few months.

What did you expect? How dare you be mad @ your son when YOU and your WIFE chose this life for him. IF you wanted loyalty from him why weren't you loyal to your relationship to him by staying in HIS home instead of allowing him to move an entire country away?

Ok, if you aren't totally turned off by me and are still reading.....You can be mad @ your wife for "betraying" you but it sounds like your marriage was not doing very well to begin with, if you guys were separated for such long lengths of time.

That is usually the case anyway, someone is not getting their needs met and then get them met by someone else, there is no excuse but it is explainable.

If you really want your wife back and want a real marriage......GET BACK TOGETHER! living in the same house, in the same country!

Try to separate the anger and betrayal you have for your wife from your son, this is not HIS fault, he was just a victim of 2 selfish parents who did not care what was best for him but what they wanted!

I'm sorry and I am sorry for the hurt you are feeling as you must have thought you and wife had some sort of mutual agreement since there was no divorce and for that I am sorry for your betrayal.

If you want a real marriage it is very possible and it can get even better. The distance between you 2 both physically and emotionally can be shortened and you can once again have a healthy and happy marriage, although this might also mean a bigger family w/ new baby.

This sight is full of great advice on how to meet each others needs and how to have a fulfilling marriage. It would behoove you read all you can and encourage your wife to read everything also.

Is your wife willing to move back with you to have the support she needs and also to work on yoru marriage? Do you even want her too?

If you have any doubts you should also contact an attorney because, I don't know what country you are in but in the US, a child born during the marriage is considered a product of the marriage and your wife can sue you for child support for this other child. IF you do not want to stay in this marriage then you need to also protect yourself financially and should not be held responsible for a child that you have no legal obligation too.

If you take on the fatherly role to this OC then in the courts you will automatically be declared the father if you were ever to be sued for child support of this child.

I am sorry for you, your son, your wife and this new child. These situations are so ugly and everyone gets hurt! Really I am very sorry for all this pain on your entire family.

Dear ktbunch,
Any opinion is welcome. I do not feel offended by what you have stated as it holds some truths.I do not know what to do and that is why I entered this discussion forum . Things are a lot more complex that they initialy appear .I live in a beautiful country where others pay lots of money to visit or come here as tourists. At the same time people here have a much more austere view on matters of family honor and faithfulness .Wife says she wishes this baby was mine . I only wish she could either hold her standards and vows or part in a decent humanlike manner if she met somebody who loved her. Who could have stopped her? In any occassion she did not need to act like she did .I have a divorse from the state issued before oc was born but I do not have a divorse from the church authorities.

So you are legally divorced but not religiously?

Did you and W then consider yoursleves divorced or still married w/ expectations of faithfulness?

It sounds liek W still loves you and wants you to be part of her life, including baby. What do you want?

What do you want FOR your son? What kind of life do you wnat for all of you? Is your W willing ot return to your country to live a life w/ you if you decide that is what you want?

I know how you feel. All of us "wish" our spouses would have acted honorably. Or at least show enough respect to either tell us they were hurting and wanted MORE or tell us they wanted OUT but not deceive us like they did and then create such a big mess.

This is very hard on everyone invloved.

We both considered ourselves to be married.Both my W and son were with me just 1,5 months before she met OM. We looked and behaved like a fully functional family,meeting with mutual friends ,going out and having a good time.I dont know whether our society here will ever accept us if we decide to be together.My guess is that everybody will avoid meeting with us and point a finger.Relatives will not want to know us, as this kind of actions insult and dishonor the whole family .This kind of behaviour is not acceptable here. We will be put in complete isolation.
On the other hand I do not trust her enough to decide to move to where she lives.Even if I did I could not stand to ever see OM who is trash from what my inlaws are saying who will probably ask for visiting rights , or most propably money.Inlaws said that he was financially draining my wife's bussiness for those two months and she had to sell it in the end.On the other hand moving to my W's country would mean that I should give up my current job that it finally became rewarding and try to start over again.At least here I know I can easily support a family.Now about OC.How can I live by seeing a constant reminder of W infidelity? How can I touch her again? Has anyone had similar experience you people? How did you survive it and made it work?I am saving for my son's education but this has nothing to do with emotional support.Of course I want the best for him but I am in a pit.I dont know what to do.

Why did you 2 get divorced if you still considered yourselves married?

Yes, there are many here in your situation, mostly wives who have OC in thier lives from thier H but there are a few H w/ OC from thier wives. I do not want to discount their feelings and pain but I think it is easier to deal w/ when the child is in your home all the time in a H case w/ W infidelity.

Yes, you will be able to love and touch her again, as many BS will testify. It takes time but it is easier when the spouse is willing to help you along in your healing and recovery.

Why would this guy get $$$ from you! IF it is his child then he would most likely be paying your W for CS. Unless your country does not do it that way.

Or some how you could go after him legally to sign away his rights and you adopt the child as YOUR own and then he could no longer be a part of your lives. It is hard to give that kind of advice because of not knowing how things are in your country.

So I can only give you emotional advice and encouragement. IF you both want your marriage to work, then it will. Everything here on this sight will point you to the way how to do it. Read around as much as you can. I don't know how it can be possible if you two are not living together.

As far as your job goes, it will be dependant on what you want more. A marriage and family intact OR a rewarding fulfilling job? It is up to you and whatever you find more important in your life right now. That choice is completely up to you.