This is sooo wierd!

My aunt has a teenage daughter w/ a man (for lack of a better word) who owns w/ her the house they live in. They are not married and their relationship has always been rocky. He sleeps there the majority of the time.

No one in our family likes him, he is not considered a part of the family even though my aunt has been with him as long as I can remember. There are other issues (sexual abuse) within the family that also encourages our dislike of him.

I knew he had been married and has a son my age with a family of his own. That is all I knew.

The other day I asked my mom about it, it just clicked. My mom told me that aunt and this guy were dating when his XGF came back pg. They split up and he married GF. THEN my aunt started dating him again saying MM never loved W, only married because of pg.(hmmmm....doesn't that sound familiar?)

ALL this time, w/ what I am going through, how could she think she was NOT one of "them"? Listening to me and seeing my pain? but disassociating from somehow that she is different? That is so wierd.

I started to read this book called, "Infidelity, the forgiveable sin". I thought it would be helpful but it was more psycho-babble for my taste. It focused on infidelity within families and how you can trace your patterns of infidelity to your own family and that usually your own parent was the perpetrator of infidelity or a victim of it and usually their parnet too blah blah blah!

So I thought it was hog wash since neither my parents or in laws have ever done anything like that. BUT...now w/ my aunt and the book said it could be considered if the spouse died (feelings of abandonement like A or something like that blah blah blah) Well, my grandmother's H died very young (mom's side) and grandfather left (dad's side), same types of things on in laws (w/ grandparents) side too.

I don't really buy into this but what do you think?

I still can't believe my aunt. I THINK the "guy" is divorced now but we really don't know since he has never married my aunt. And my aunt says the BS STILL calls her and harrasses her to this day! Is that where us BS are headed? Trying to prove ourselves to OW for the rest of our lives?

I just find this new revelation of information interesting, if nothing more.

My aunt has proved that she has no back-bone already so I am not that upset by her because I know I can't expect more from her. I am not trying to excuse it. I think she has done worse and allowed worse to happen so this is nothing new to me.

Thats so weird. Just this weekend me and a friend where talking about my SIL and she said the reason she was standing up for the OW is that my SIL was seeing a MM years ago when we worked together. I had heard she was but never talked about it w/ her. And they said they saw her the other day w that MM. She is D now but she has been married for 6 years I think. So that would explain her in taking and talking to the OW. Don't you think? Oh she lost her job where I worked becauce of it.

kt,
Kinda doubt you were affected just by one unpopular aunt but do you wonder if there's more infidelity you don't know about? It's usually so secret, we don't know!

Psychobabble gets old, but I DO think secrets in the family affect us.

H was told a bunch of infidelity stuff about his parents AFTER his A! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Do I think it affected his upbringing even though he didn't know? YES! Do I think he would not have had A if he'd seen he was repeating a pattern? Maybe.

I did a family tree project once where I color-coded all the dysfunction I could find for 4-5 generations of my family: any form of addiction, any known abuse, any known A/OC, all divorce, any huge parenting gaps [ex: grandma's mother died when she was young; she spent the rest of her childhood keeping house for dad/sibs instead of attending school; as adult, she left her kids with her H, moved to another state!].

I found all dysfunction repeated in the tree, sometimes with a twist, like skipping a generation, marrying into it, or overcompensating (workaholic rather than alcoholic, overparenting vs. underparenting).

When we recognize the patterns, we're more likely to think/chose vs. re-act. Common topic in counseling.

This is why my kids will know about OC even if we never have contact~! Not early, because that's robbing of innocence and confusing, but before adulthood. Hopefully they'll avoid a repeat!!!

I talked to a friend last night, he said his father had 7-OC ! His mom and the OW did divorce him but he always cheated and had 7 OC. And the funny thing is they are all boys and all of them have his name, all first and last names are same. He was sooo mad at his dad because he never knew them. They all found out when they where in their teens. Dad is long gone, in another state and all the boys are here and are close. Some party! But they all have the same first and last names. His dad was wacked! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ok now THAT is just plain ANIMAL behavior. Nothing like, "spreadin' your seed" to preserve the family line. I thought only sports stars named all thier children after themselves.

On my H side, the grandparents, it's a bit wacky too. H's dad grew up thinking his SISTER was his MOM, she told him on his wedding day! (both of FIL bio parents were gone, I think mom died and then dad left so oldest sister raised H's dad since he was the youngest!)Or some craziness like that. H's mom' dad (H grandpa)dies when she was a teenager and then her mother died when my H was 10 or so.

According to this book, unless these "issues" are recognized and dealt with, history will continue to repeat itself. I don't buy into that. It's all a choice. History will repeat itself if you let it, but only if you let it.

Interesting all around though.

My aunt is not "unpopular". She's always around just not "loser guy". The last few months we have all made it clear (a little too late) he is not welcome in any of our homes for any reason.

What can you do? Maybe someday she will wake up-----before it's too late!

You know going though this I've realized how many people I know that have this in their family somewhere. Thought how wacked and how can BS stay w/ these poeple? It's one of those "can't happen to me" things. I'm wondering if I get out now how much am I going to have to deal with ? Or do I stay and deal w/it? what is the lesser of the two?

After this all blew up in my life i realized that my Aunt had a "son" who would always visit, he lived in Chicago & I can remember him being around sometimes during my childhood when I would play with my other cousins, now that I am older I realized that my "cousin" was OC from my Aunt's H!
My Aunt loved & accepted him as well as the rest of the family, of course he didn't live with them, OC &OW in another state so that made things a lot easier.

Last year I found out my brother has an son, now 5 yo w/ a married woman, he has nothing to do w/ the child & had DNA done - it is his! My family is upset that we have a nephew, grandson, etc. out there that we want to know, the woman passed the child off as her H's for awhile, then came clean later. As far as I know the H left the woman so this means this poor kid has no father figure at all, that we know of anyway. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

My brother pays CS, but won't even let us pick up the boy & let him know his other family. I think it is really sad for the kid, but that is life.

BabyGirl,

I am not being antogonistic here, just trying to figure things out. Are you saying that your family feels they have a right to contact with your brother's child? Is your brother married to anyone? Was she his wife when the little boy was conceived? If so, she is a BW and we have (almost all of us) maintained that a BW should not have to accept contact with an OC if it is beyond her capabilities.

Do you think that your H's family has a right to demand that they get to know his OC? Even if you (and your H) don't want it?

I ask because that is apparently what my in-laws think. They are going to forge some kind of relationship with H's OC even when we were not decided if we were going to have contact. We are continuing contact but very sporadically--Precious lives 2,000 miles away. However, it is still blood-stopping chilling to walk into one of my sisters-in-laws houses and seeing photos of the child born of my H's affair. I am not sure why no one understands that this is the most hurtful thing that has ever happened to me and my in-laws have chosen this relationship with a child they have never seen over my own ability to feel close to them and feel safe bringing my children to visit their aunts, uncles and grandparents. Ooooh, I had better end this as I am getting quite steamed at them. My stewing about this does no good for anyone, but I certainly wish that they would follow our lead on this and not forge out on their own.

MJ

MJ

I am not being antogonistic here, just trying to figure things out. Are you saying that your family feels they have a right to contact with your brother's child?
******************************** I guess I wasn't clear here, my family wants to have contact with the child yes but we respect his right to say no so we know the child exists but that is as far as it will go.

Is your brother married to anyone? Was she his wife when the little boy was conceived? If so, she is a BW and we have (almost all of us) maintained that a BW should not have to accept contact with an OC if it is beyond her capabilities.

******************************** No my brother is not married to anyone he had A w/ a MW. I am not sure how MW felt about contact w/ my brother or our family, my brother says she is crazy & lied to him during A, told him she was D.


Do you think that your H's family has a right to
demand that they get to know his OC? Even if you (and your H) don't want it?
********************************** I don't get this question? My H's family knew about OC way before me & embraced her, my family on the other hand wants me to have nothing to do OC & they don't want to either who knows what will happen in the future though.


I ask because that is apparently what my in-laws think. They are going to forge some kind of relationship with H's OC even when we were not decided if we were going to have contact. We are continuing contact but very sporadically--Precious lives 2,000 miles away. However, it is still blood-stopping chilling to walk into one of my sisters-in-laws houses and seeing photos of the child born of my H's affair. I am not sure why no one understands that this is the most hurtful thing that has ever happened to me and my in-laws have chosen this relationship with a child they have never seen over my own ability to feel close to them and feel safe bringing my children to visit their aunts, uncles and grandparents. Ooooh, I had better end this as I am getting quite steamed at them. My stewing about this does no good for anyone, but I certainly wish that they would follow our lead on this and not forge out on their own.
*********************************MJ that is wrong, wrong, wrong. yes if my H wanted nothing to do w/ OC & MIL, SIL etc. try to push for contact & did things like your in-laws yeah I would be pissed beyond belief as you should be.

No my family would never go against my brothers wishes & seek out this child & have him be part of our family. I only mentioned this because it was related to this particular thread & I do feel bad for my nephew, who I will most likely never meet, but I hardly lose any sleep over it, my plate is FULL. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I did a family tree project once where I color-coded all the dysfunction I could find for 4-5 generations of my family: any form of addiction, any known abuse, any known A/OC, all divorce, any huge parenting gaps </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I've done some digging in my family. My dads part of the family there isn't much. Mental illness is about all. No affairs that I could find. In fact my dads only sibling is still single and as far as I know never dated.

Now my mothers side is a different story. My grand mother told me her H cheated on her many times. She had found letters to my grand father and even talked with the OW. But back in the old days it was more commin for a woman to take all the stuff the man did. Out of my moms 3 siblings my Uncle has cheated. He is womenizer, and a drug addict. My mother has also cheated. I think she was a sex addict. When I was a teen I learned of her doings through my boyfrineds she was trying to pick up. Her affairs on my father and some threesomes. She did have an OC with a MM, I guess he was a one night stand.

I vowed never to be like my mother, never to have an affair. When I made that choice to have one you have no idea how it killed me knowing I let myself down ( this on top of the other guilts I had stemming from the affair).

Only one of my sisters has followed in my mothers footsteps. She had an affair within 3 months of her first marriage. She is also like my mother when it comes to being addicted to sex.

Hopefully I can teach my children differently. Yes, they know mom had an affair. They also know mom is embaressed about what she did, disappointed in herself and knows what kind of hell I have been through.